Can't take it anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 2
Can't take it anymore
Hi, I'm new on here.
I decided to join today as a way to express what I am feeling because I have no one else to talk to.
My father was adopted. His adoptive father was a war vet and used to beat him every day with a belt. He eventually ran away from home when he was 14 and travelled the world as a hippy, living in squats, buses, beaches and doing lots of drugs and partying.
At 34, he got my mother pregnant (she was 20 years old) and I was born, a year later she gave birth to my sister and they got married.
Their marriage was always rocky, we didn't have very much money, and my dad never seemed happy. He worked 14 hour days as a general contractor, running his own business fixing up houses while my mom stayed at home with my sister and I.
About five years ago, he left us.
My mother did not have an education, a job, or any way to support herself. She was bitter about how her life panned out and took most of her aggression out on my sister and I. My dad dissapeared for about 6 months.
My birthday passed, Christmas passed, no word from my father. My mother was broke and angry. I was in therapy and suicidal at sixteen. My sister was numb and doing a lot of Ecstasy and mushrooms and smoking a lot of pot.
Finally, I heard from my dad. I got a drunken message in the middle of the night with him slurring and swearing about my mother. I had never heard my dad drunk before, I had never seen him take a single drink of an sort of alcohol, I was confused and hurt. My mom told me he had been a severe alcoholic before she married him and that he had been sober for the 16 years they were together but he must have started drinking again.
I finally spoke to my dad about two weeks after the call. He looked really rough. He was living in the boiler room of an abandoned warehouse in a sketchy neighbourhood on the east side of the city. He had somewhat converted in into a home but it was nothing pretty. He told me he had received a $250,000 inheritance from his adoptive mother (my grandmother who I had loved very much) who had recently passed.
This made me so happy, I wouldn't have to worry about money for school anymore, my dad could buy himself a nice house and start a fresh life. I remember crying with happiness.
However, things didn't turn out that way.
My father would eventually gambled and drank away all that money.
Things with my mom were awful, she was angry and resentful of my sister and I. She was working three different jobs and was dwelling on the past. She would rub our dad's alcoholism in our faces. I got to the point where I couldn't stand living with her anymore. I decided to move in with my dad at the warehouse to see for myself where he was at.
BIG mistake.
I lived with my dad for about six months. I was in high school at the time, grade 12, but I had failed most of grade 11 the previous year due to depression. We didn't have any groceries, a kitchen or a proper bathroom. I ate takeout Chinese food almost everyday. My dad never left the warehouse. He drank, smoked hash, gambled online and played guitar. He didn't work. I would dread night time, he would get wasted every night and scream at me about my mom and how awful she is and how I am turning into her. He would blame the world for his problems and his drinking but he never looked at himself. Most nights I wouldn't fall asleep until 4:30 am, and then get up for school 3 hours later. He would drunkenly lecture and yell at me, forcing me to stay up and listen until I passed out from exhaustion.
One night I had a friend over, it was really late and I decided to go to sleep, leaving her and my dad alone, drinking and talking, telling her his stories from his hippy days. When I got up the next morning my friend told me that my dad had tried to have sex with her, that he was really persistent and insisted I wouldn't be able to hear anything from my room.
The next night I had a big confrontation with him. I decided not to sit passively and listen to his ******** anymore. I yelled and screamed 'you are an alcoholic!' he tried to throw several rolls of coins at me and scared me to the point that I grabbed as much of my stuff as I could and ran out of the warehouse, spending the night at my friend's place.
The next day I went back to my moms and she drove me to the warehouse to grab the rest of my stuff. She was angry that she had to do so. Angry at me for living with my father, angry at me for choosing that circumstance over her house, angry at me for feeling upset when I put myself in that situation in the first place. Her view was 'you went to therapy you should be okay and I shouldn't have to listen to your problems'
I didn't talk to my father for a year and a half after that night.
My sister in the meantime was in denial. She had never lived with my father and didn't know the extent of his addiction. She was proud to have a 'cool dad', one she could get pot from for her friends, one that would buy her beer and listen to cool music with. She didn't see the dark side.
At 19 I got my own place away from my mom and dad. I didn't have any money for school but I had full time jobs at an art supple store and eventually a gallery and had enough for rent and food. I had minimal contact with either of my parents.
I just turned 21, and the situation has worsened. My father doesn't have any money left, I still don't have any financial support from either of my parents, and now my father is trying to sue my mom for spousal support because she kicked my sister and I out of the house without reason and that didn't fit with their seperation agreement. My mother did kick my sister and I out of the house but it wasn't like my dad had a safe and happy home for us to go to. Once again, my sister and have been thrown in the battle between my mother and my father. Manipulation from both sides has my sister and I constantly fighting about who is right and who is wrong, even though we both know they are equally abusive and equally in the wrong.
My sister is in complete denial about my dad. When something happens like a drunken phone call from my dad she will not allow me to call her and talk about it with her. She doesn't think I have the right to be upset and she thinks that by me getting upset and talking to her about it I am 'talking **** about him behind his back'. I tried to explain to her that we have to work together to help him but she doesn't think he needs help and she thinks there is nothing we can do and that we shouldn't 'gang up on him'.
We are his only family members. He doesn't have anyone else in the whole world. We are the only ones that can help him.
He blames my mother for everything. He can't get over it. Whenever I have brought up his drinking he claims I have been brainwashed by my mother and I'm stupid. He keeps talking about how he is going to 'get her', how he will bring justice. I have no idea what he means but he acts psychotic.
His alcoholism has affected every part of my life. I am emotionally unbalanced, financially unstable, I am untrusting of everyone. I project alcoholism onto my friends and my boyfriend. I have panic attacks regularly and I am extremely bitter.
I have yet to go to school though I would love to. I am scared to take out a loan and I don't know how I will be able to afford to support myself while I pay for classes. My friends are all graduating from their programs this year, most of them had their tuition paid for them as well as their apartments, most of them have stable family lives and are able to go out and have fun as well as have happy holidays.
I feel like an outcast of society. I feel like I was never meant to be born, be happy and be safe. I find most of my happiness through art and the art community, but I still feel isolated and not confident enough to put myself and my work out there, because it is all I have and if things don't work out, I don't think I could deal with it.
I wanted to join this forum and tell my story just so I don't feel so alone.
Thanks for listening,
B
I decided to join today as a way to express what I am feeling because I have no one else to talk to.
My father was adopted. His adoptive father was a war vet and used to beat him every day with a belt. He eventually ran away from home when he was 14 and travelled the world as a hippy, living in squats, buses, beaches and doing lots of drugs and partying.
At 34, he got my mother pregnant (she was 20 years old) and I was born, a year later she gave birth to my sister and they got married.
Their marriage was always rocky, we didn't have very much money, and my dad never seemed happy. He worked 14 hour days as a general contractor, running his own business fixing up houses while my mom stayed at home with my sister and I.
About five years ago, he left us.
My mother did not have an education, a job, or any way to support herself. She was bitter about how her life panned out and took most of her aggression out on my sister and I. My dad dissapeared for about 6 months.
My birthday passed, Christmas passed, no word from my father. My mother was broke and angry. I was in therapy and suicidal at sixteen. My sister was numb and doing a lot of Ecstasy and mushrooms and smoking a lot of pot.
Finally, I heard from my dad. I got a drunken message in the middle of the night with him slurring and swearing about my mother. I had never heard my dad drunk before, I had never seen him take a single drink of an sort of alcohol, I was confused and hurt. My mom told me he had been a severe alcoholic before she married him and that he had been sober for the 16 years they were together but he must have started drinking again.
I finally spoke to my dad about two weeks after the call. He looked really rough. He was living in the boiler room of an abandoned warehouse in a sketchy neighbourhood on the east side of the city. He had somewhat converted in into a home but it was nothing pretty. He told me he had received a $250,000 inheritance from his adoptive mother (my grandmother who I had loved very much) who had recently passed.
This made me so happy, I wouldn't have to worry about money for school anymore, my dad could buy himself a nice house and start a fresh life. I remember crying with happiness.
However, things didn't turn out that way.
My father would eventually gambled and drank away all that money.
Things with my mom were awful, she was angry and resentful of my sister and I. She was working three different jobs and was dwelling on the past. She would rub our dad's alcoholism in our faces. I got to the point where I couldn't stand living with her anymore. I decided to move in with my dad at the warehouse to see for myself where he was at.
BIG mistake.
I lived with my dad for about six months. I was in high school at the time, grade 12, but I had failed most of grade 11 the previous year due to depression. We didn't have any groceries, a kitchen or a proper bathroom. I ate takeout Chinese food almost everyday. My dad never left the warehouse. He drank, smoked hash, gambled online and played guitar. He didn't work. I would dread night time, he would get wasted every night and scream at me about my mom and how awful she is and how I am turning into her. He would blame the world for his problems and his drinking but he never looked at himself. Most nights I wouldn't fall asleep until 4:30 am, and then get up for school 3 hours later. He would drunkenly lecture and yell at me, forcing me to stay up and listen until I passed out from exhaustion.
One night I had a friend over, it was really late and I decided to go to sleep, leaving her and my dad alone, drinking and talking, telling her his stories from his hippy days. When I got up the next morning my friend told me that my dad had tried to have sex with her, that he was really persistent and insisted I wouldn't be able to hear anything from my room.
The next night I had a big confrontation with him. I decided not to sit passively and listen to his ******** anymore. I yelled and screamed 'you are an alcoholic!' he tried to throw several rolls of coins at me and scared me to the point that I grabbed as much of my stuff as I could and ran out of the warehouse, spending the night at my friend's place.
The next day I went back to my moms and she drove me to the warehouse to grab the rest of my stuff. She was angry that she had to do so. Angry at me for living with my father, angry at me for choosing that circumstance over her house, angry at me for feeling upset when I put myself in that situation in the first place. Her view was 'you went to therapy you should be okay and I shouldn't have to listen to your problems'
I didn't talk to my father for a year and a half after that night.
My sister in the meantime was in denial. She had never lived with my father and didn't know the extent of his addiction. She was proud to have a 'cool dad', one she could get pot from for her friends, one that would buy her beer and listen to cool music with. She didn't see the dark side.
At 19 I got my own place away from my mom and dad. I didn't have any money for school but I had full time jobs at an art supple store and eventually a gallery and had enough for rent and food. I had minimal contact with either of my parents.
I just turned 21, and the situation has worsened. My father doesn't have any money left, I still don't have any financial support from either of my parents, and now my father is trying to sue my mom for spousal support because she kicked my sister and I out of the house without reason and that didn't fit with their seperation agreement. My mother did kick my sister and I out of the house but it wasn't like my dad had a safe and happy home for us to go to. Once again, my sister and have been thrown in the battle between my mother and my father. Manipulation from both sides has my sister and I constantly fighting about who is right and who is wrong, even though we both know they are equally abusive and equally in the wrong.
My sister is in complete denial about my dad. When something happens like a drunken phone call from my dad she will not allow me to call her and talk about it with her. She doesn't think I have the right to be upset and she thinks that by me getting upset and talking to her about it I am 'talking **** about him behind his back'. I tried to explain to her that we have to work together to help him but she doesn't think he needs help and she thinks there is nothing we can do and that we shouldn't 'gang up on him'.
We are his only family members. He doesn't have anyone else in the whole world. We are the only ones that can help him.
He blames my mother for everything. He can't get over it. Whenever I have brought up his drinking he claims I have been brainwashed by my mother and I'm stupid. He keeps talking about how he is going to 'get her', how he will bring justice. I have no idea what he means but he acts psychotic.
His alcoholism has affected every part of my life. I am emotionally unbalanced, financially unstable, I am untrusting of everyone. I project alcoholism onto my friends and my boyfriend. I have panic attacks regularly and I am extremely bitter.
I have yet to go to school though I would love to. I am scared to take out a loan and I don't know how I will be able to afford to support myself while I pay for classes. My friends are all graduating from their programs this year, most of them had their tuition paid for them as well as their apartments, most of them have stable family lives and are able to go out and have fun as well as have happy holidays.
I feel like an outcast of society. I feel like I was never meant to be born, be happy and be safe. I find most of my happiness through art and the art community, but I still feel isolated and not confident enough to put myself and my work out there, because it is all I have and if things don't work out, I don't think I could deal with it.
I wanted to join this forum and tell my story just so I don't feel so alone.
Thanks for listening,
B
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 2
I should probably mention some other details:
My father only has one friend, an artist who I have realised is using him and his loneliness as a way of financial gain. I believe he spent a lot of the inheritance money on her, buying her paintings and fixing up her house. She should know better than anyone about his addiction but whenever I talk to her about it she seems to glaze over and act as if nothing is wrong. I take comfort in the fact that my dad has someone other than my sister and I to spend time with and talk to but I feel sick at the thought of her using him and enabling him further. I don't think she would want him to get better because she benefits from his disease.
My mother has a boyfriend of about two years, she seems to have found herself an okay job and he has moved into the house. She has started a new life and is resentful of my sister and I because we represent her old life and her old problems. At family gatherings we feel out of place, we represent my father to them and all that happened with my mom and I feel like my grandparents and my aunt view us as ****-ups and lost causes. I feel no support from them and they only wish the worst for my dad, not caring about the consequences my sister and I have to face.
My father only has one friend, an artist who I have realised is using him and his loneliness as a way of financial gain. I believe he spent a lot of the inheritance money on her, buying her paintings and fixing up her house. She should know better than anyone about his addiction but whenever I talk to her about it she seems to glaze over and act as if nothing is wrong. I take comfort in the fact that my dad has someone other than my sister and I to spend time with and talk to but I feel sick at the thought of her using him and enabling him further. I don't think she would want him to get better because she benefits from his disease.
My mother has a boyfriend of about two years, she seems to have found herself an okay job and he has moved into the house. She has started a new life and is resentful of my sister and I because we represent her old life and her old problems. At family gatherings we feel out of place, we represent my father to them and all that happened with my mom and I feel like my grandparents and my aunt view us as ****-ups and lost causes. I feel no support from them and they only wish the worst for my dad, not caring about the consequences my sister and I have to face.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 4,037
Hi, I am glad that you are here and have an outlet to express your feelings. Sometimes that helps a great deal in sorting things out. I also suggest you find a ACOA meeting near you so that you can meet people who you can identify with and learn tools to help you live the life that you are worth of. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: East Cost
Posts: 10
Hey Grey!
Welcome. Believe it or not, getting it external is a really good step. When you live with an alcoholic/addict there is a basic set of rules (unspoken, of course) and that is: don't feel, don't tell, don't ask, don't talk about it...etc. They teach us that even if we do tell, people will think we're liars or crazy.
You've been incredibly brave to reveal such a vulnerable, painful side of your own life. You might think you feel powerless or hopeless, but you know, by opening up, you have just taken charge. And you have the power to heal. You are not doomed to live a life of pain and suffering. You will live the life you think you deserve, and that's where meetings and groups like this come into play. Maybe this is your way of 'prepping' yourself to take a risk on yourself and change! Only you know when you are ready to leave that life behind. I always imagine boxing up all of my hurt/anger/bitterness/etc. and piling it into a big basket underneath a hot-air balloon and then cutting the strings, letting it "go". I can only change the stuff that I do, I cannot try to fix my hurt by making other people well. They have the right to live a life of sickness, I wouldn't wish it on them, but I can't control that.
And sometimes change hurts, but where there is pain there is growth.
You sound like you have very clear goals for yourself. I know whenever I feel overwhelmed (when I get 'brave' in bursts and want to change everything at once) I have to write the things I want to do down, sleep on it, then come back to it the next day. Sometimes I don't always want to do what I think I want to do in them moment. This keeps me from "running away" and just creating more problems for myself. Think about 'attainable goals'. What can you do, just a little bit, to begin a new step towards a new life? how about going to a face to face?
Thank you for sharing your story.
You've been incredibly brave to reveal such a vulnerable, painful side of your own life. You might think you feel powerless or hopeless, but you know, by opening up, you have just taken charge. And you have the power to heal. You are not doomed to live a life of pain and suffering. You will live the life you think you deserve, and that's where meetings and groups like this come into play. Maybe this is your way of 'prepping' yourself to take a risk on yourself and change! Only you know when you are ready to leave that life behind. I always imagine boxing up all of my hurt/anger/bitterness/etc. and piling it into a big basket underneath a hot-air balloon and then cutting the strings, letting it "go". I can only change the stuff that I do, I cannot try to fix my hurt by making other people well. They have the right to live a life of sickness, I wouldn't wish it on them, but I can't control that.
And sometimes change hurts, but where there is pain there is growth.
You sound like you have very clear goals for yourself. I know whenever I feel overwhelmed (when I get 'brave' in bursts and want to change everything at once) I have to write the things I want to do down, sleep on it, then come back to it the next day. Sometimes I don't always want to do what I think I want to do in them moment. This keeps me from "running away" and just creating more problems for myself. Think about 'attainable goals'. What can you do, just a little bit, to begin a new step towards a new life? how about going to a face to face?
Thank you for sharing your story.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I found a new family in AA, Alanon,& ACOA. You are in the right place. Stay in today.You are ok in this moment. Parent yourself.....The Buddha said a resentment is like holding a hot coal in your hand ready to throw it at someone. It hurts you. Detach with love from your family.Last summer I did 90 meetings in 90 days and it didn't hurt me. Try Alanon and ACOA. The past is dead. The future is a mystery. Wake up and think of 5 things you can be grateful for. Let go or be dragged. Apply for that student loan and follow your dream. Tell fear to take a powder and to stop abusing you. SR will teach you how to live in the solution instead of the problem.We aren't alone. Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 286
graygardens,
I'm glad you are here. You are not alone, in many ways. Many of us have had similar experiences. As I was reading your post, I was thinking it could have been my own writing. I (we) understand.
I hope you follow your heart with your art and don't let the fear of failing hold you back. You'll be another casualty if you do.
Welcome! and thanks for sharing.
I'm glad you are here. You are not alone, in many ways. Many of us have had similar experiences. As I was reading your post, I was thinking it could have been my own writing. I (we) understand.
I hope you follow your heart with your art and don't let the fear of failing hold you back. You'll be another casualty if you do.
Welcome! and thanks for sharing.
DDaniels
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Gilbert, AZ
Posts: 2
Hey grey,
I hear what you are saying . I can only say what has worked for me in the past which one of the 12 step meetings which is ACOA and ALANON. It has helped me in the past face some very very deep and painful issues. When I came into recovery many years ago, i found a family, a family I never had. It helped me to separate and step back, set boundaries, boundaries I could never ever set.
I wish you blessings, peace, and strength on your journey.
I hear what you are saying . I can only say what has worked for me in the past which one of the 12 step meetings which is ACOA and ALANON. It has helped me in the past face some very very deep and painful issues. When I came into recovery many years ago, i found a family, a family I never had. It helped me to separate and step back, set boundaries, boundaries I could never ever set.
I wish you blessings, peace, and strength on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Hi, GrayGardens,
It's amazing to read your story, which is so different from my own in details-- but identical in the broad sweeps. I have the alcoholic father and the mother who vented her frustration on me and my older sister. I was threatened so often with being kicked out of the house that I finally left on my own. I have younger sisters who no doubt think I'm crazy and a liar for saying he's an alcoholic. He himself has told me I'm imagining things such as his attempt to choke me. He blames other people (often me) for his problems.
I got through school with virtually no financial help from my parents. When he repeatedly threatened to kick me out, and I finally left on my own (to avoid living in constant fear of finding myself with no roof over my head), I went through a legal process to declare myself financiall independent so I could get financial aid based on my income. I had already done one year at my college, and they gave me both grants and loans based on my own income, once I was legally emancipated. It might be worth your while to look into that, for starters.
I have felt that horrible feeling of social outcast, of not knowing how to relate to others-- and I understand now it was inevitable, when my father was constantly telling me everything I did was wrong. Of course I was scared to interact with other people, believing I'd always mess it up.
I think moving far away was the smartest thing I ever did. I foolishly moved back, thinking things had gotten better, and now it's worse than before. But it has helped me a lot to have sane friends, to have people who can look at it from the outside and say, "A man who chokes his daughter is not 'sort of' a tyrant, he IS a tyrant." Bit by bit, I feel I have learned, and am learning, what normal is.
I also spent a few months doing EMDR, which is essentially post traumatic stress therapy. I feel that helped a lot, along with the counselor pointing out that I simply have no trouble getting along with anyone outside my family, and enough friends pointing out to me that my family is not normal.
Also, don't be afraid of paying off the loans. Yes, it routinely takes ten years, but you will likely have a better job on which to do it.
It's amazing to read your story, which is so different from my own in details-- but identical in the broad sweeps. I have the alcoholic father and the mother who vented her frustration on me and my older sister. I was threatened so often with being kicked out of the house that I finally left on my own. I have younger sisters who no doubt think I'm crazy and a liar for saying he's an alcoholic. He himself has told me I'm imagining things such as his attempt to choke me. He blames other people (often me) for his problems.
I got through school with virtually no financial help from my parents. When he repeatedly threatened to kick me out, and I finally left on my own (to avoid living in constant fear of finding myself with no roof over my head), I went through a legal process to declare myself financiall independent so I could get financial aid based on my income. I had already done one year at my college, and they gave me both grants and loans based on my own income, once I was legally emancipated. It might be worth your while to look into that, for starters.
I have felt that horrible feeling of social outcast, of not knowing how to relate to others-- and I understand now it was inevitable, when my father was constantly telling me everything I did was wrong. Of course I was scared to interact with other people, believing I'd always mess it up.
I think moving far away was the smartest thing I ever did. I foolishly moved back, thinking things had gotten better, and now it's worse than before. But it has helped me a lot to have sane friends, to have people who can look at it from the outside and say, "A man who chokes his daughter is not 'sort of' a tyrant, he IS a tyrant." Bit by bit, I feel I have learned, and am learning, what normal is.
I also spent a few months doing EMDR, which is essentially post traumatic stress therapy. I feel that helped a lot, along with the counselor pointing out that I simply have no trouble getting along with anyone outside my family, and enough friends pointing out to me that my family is not normal.
Also, don't be afraid of paying off the loans. Yes, it routinely takes ten years, but you will likely have a better job on which to do it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by graygardens 
Hi, I'm new on here.
I decided to join today as a way to express what I am feeling because I have no one else to talk to.
I feel like an outcast of society. I feel like I was never meant to be born, be happy and be safe. I find most of my happiness through art and the art community, but I still feel isolated and not confident enough to put myself and my work out there, because it is all I have and if things don't work out, I don't think I could deal with it.
I wanted to join this forum and tell my story just so I don't feel so alone.
B
I decided to join today as a way to express what I am feeling because I have no one else to talk to.
I feel like an outcast of society. I feel like I was never meant to be born, be happy and be safe. I find most of my happiness through art and the art community, but I still feel isolated and not confident enough to put myself and my work out there, because it is all I have and if things don't work out, I don't think I could deal with it.
I wanted to join this forum and tell my story just so I don't feel so alone.
B
Oh and need I also mention that my sister (only sibling) and I have had a very difficult relationship as well--tho I have not posted much about it on this forum. She too is in denial of the situation and tries to still pull me in to all of the family drama--tho she creates a lot of the drama as well. This has been devastating to me but I am learning day by day to detach and move on. I only pray that some day she will be able to find the desire to recover from all of this vs. burying herself in school and work.
Blessings to you and thanks again for sharing. You are not alone. I am very glad you shared a piece of your life. It takes a lot of courage to not ignore it--as we have been taught.
Much love,
Amanda
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