can you change the legacy of a broken childhood?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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can you change the legacy of a broken childhood?
Hi, i found this site while wandering the internet and it all made sense to me. although my parents would die rather than admit it, they drank heavily all my childhood. i just accepted that it was normal to have parents who couldnt function after five oclock at night, and used to walk home alone when everyone else got picked up by their parents.
my mums stopped drinking nowand lives for cleaning instead, but my dad still lives for the witching hour - if you drink before five you have a problem, but you can shovel down as much as you like after five and apparently that doesnt count, even if you do shake and throw up the rest of the day because of it. i never realised how different my childhood was to other peoples, and how, pretty much, i brought myself up - cooking, buying my own food and stuff, living on a pocket money budget from age 10ish to buy my own toothpaste and clothes etc.
But im left with the usual scars - including total lack of trust in anyone, inability to form relationships, a strange ability to pick the only drunk/abusive man out of a room of many who arent, codependency, and fierce independence that i cant seem to shake off. id like to be able to have what other people have - the family, the loving husband, etc etc, but the last one to bite the dust says that because of my problems that isnt possible. does anyone have any hope for me? I'm feeling pretty low at the moment, being dumped on Christmas day, even by someone whose been pretty horrible in the past, isnt the best. Is it possible to work through the way you are becasue of your childhood, and stop the patterns? or are you stuck with being like that forever?
my mums stopped drinking nowand lives for cleaning instead, but my dad still lives for the witching hour - if you drink before five you have a problem, but you can shovel down as much as you like after five and apparently that doesnt count, even if you do shake and throw up the rest of the day because of it. i never realised how different my childhood was to other peoples, and how, pretty much, i brought myself up - cooking, buying my own food and stuff, living on a pocket money budget from age 10ish to buy my own toothpaste and clothes etc.
But im left with the usual scars - including total lack of trust in anyone, inability to form relationships, a strange ability to pick the only drunk/abusive man out of a room of many who arent, codependency, and fierce independence that i cant seem to shake off. id like to be able to have what other people have - the family, the loving husband, etc etc, but the last one to bite the dust says that because of my problems that isnt possible. does anyone have any hope for me? I'm feeling pretty low at the moment, being dumped on Christmas day, even by someone whose been pretty horrible in the past, isnt the best. Is it possible to work through the way you are becasue of your childhood, and stop the patterns? or are you stuck with being like that forever?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there VintageRose, and pleased to "meet" you 
Your story sounds a lot like mine. I had a younger brother to raise, and my dad drank _any_ time of the day, but otherwise we could trade parents and never know the difference.
That was me too.
yes, as a matter of fact. Take a little time to read thru all the posts here and you will see the all those "usual scars" can be healed. In my case it took a couple good therapists and a lot of 12-step meetings. The damage done by a "toxic childhood" is well understood in the therapeutic community, as as are the specific actions we need to take to recover from it.
That sounds like a very common ACoA "brainwashing". It is common for an ACoA to feel _less_ than the toxic partner we choose, that is our brainwashing. The truth is that we are _better_ than the partner we picked. That is one of the common "symptoms" of an ACoA, picking partners that are sicker than us.
You didn't get "dumped". He ran away because he realized _you_ are healthier than him. It's like saying you feel pretty low becuase bug and other slimy things do _not_ like you. Really, that is a _good_ thing.
Yes it is. Get some of the books recommended by the members here. I love Janet G. Woititz and al-anon's "From Survival to Recovery". Check out a few meetings of al-anon, shop for a good therapist. It takes a bit of time to get familiar with the "lingo", and get comfortable with the concepts, but once you get the hang of it you'll see that you really can build a healthy life for yourself.
I'm glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Originally Posted by VintageRose 
... i never realised how different my childhood was to other peoples, and how, pretty much, i brought myself up - ...
Originally Posted by VintageRose
...But im left with the usual scars - including total lack of trust in anyone, inability to ...
Originally Posted by VintageRose
... does anyone have any hope for me? ...
Originally Posted by VintageRose
... being dumped on Christmas day, even by someone whose been pretty horrible in the past, isnt the best....
You didn't get "dumped". He ran away because he realized _you_ are healthier than him. It's like saying you feel pretty low becuase bug and other slimy things do _not_ like you. Really, that is a _good_ thing.
Originally Posted by VintageRose
... Is it possible to work through the way you are becasue of your childhood, and stop the patterns?...
I'm glad you decided to join us.
Mike
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hi VintageRose, and welcome
Absolutely yes! But it does take time and practice. Practice learning how to use new tools instead of the handful you were taught during childhood, and time to get comfortable using unfamiliar tools.
For example, learning to speak up for ourselves did not come easy in an alcoholic home. If A-parent forgot to pick us up and we confronted them, often we were rebuked, or ignored, or even blamed for not appreciating what we had. We learned to blame ourselves for not figuring out how to be happy when the people we loved let us down because we never got to hold the people in our lives responsible for how they let us down. It was just something we didn't learn. Yet we know it exists, because we can see other people do it and do it well.
I have to suspect that DesertEyes - chances are you weren't dumped. Chances are this unhealthy person left because it was easier than getting healthy and being with you.
The problem is that you're probably using an old tool to deal with this problem - that if this person let you down, it is your fault for not figuring out how to be happy with what little [support, intimacy, etc.] they were giving you.
A new tool might suggest that if this person let you down, it may be because they were not capable of giving you the healthy supportive relationship you need.
Read that again: they were not capable of giving you what you need.
If you can accept that sentence, you'll also notice that nowhere does it say that they left because or you, or that it was your fault. Yet I bet somewhere deep down inside you still suspect there is something you could have done differently to change it - that somehow, because you didn't figure it out, the failure of the relationship is your fault. And yet, it is not your fault.
Even in my own thinking I am still picking out old useless "tools" that I still tote around from childhood. I still slip into depression thinking that my accomplishments don't matter, I still focus on the negative, and I still sometimes feel like my A-parent's drinking is my fault because I didn't do enough. It takes a lot of work to break those old thinking habits and reinforce some new ones. It's hard because the new tools are only a couple years old and I'm still learning them. Whereas I have years of practice with the old tools.
What has helped me immensely was educating myself as much as possible about the effects of alcoholism on families, and reading the stories on this forum. It has taken a few years but my ability to cope with both my family and my own day-to-day life has improved tremendously. In fact it was a breakup from someone who ended up treating me very badly that prompted me towards recovery to begin with. I was asking what you are asking here: is it even possible for me to change? am I doomed to keep getting hurt by people like this forever? I was desperate to know because I could see the pattern, but I could not see how to change it.
Do read our stories. Browse through the posts. Continue to update, as it teaches others who will read your post. Many people here are working through different stages of learning new tools, sharing their discoveries, experiencing setbacks, and so on. We may struggle from time to time, but we are not stuck. Neither are you
Originally Posted by VintageRose
Is it possible to work through the way you are becasue of your childhood, and stop the patterns? or are you stuck with being like that forever?
For example, learning to speak up for ourselves did not come easy in an alcoholic home. If A-parent forgot to pick us up and we confronted them, often we were rebuked, or ignored, or even blamed for not appreciating what we had. We learned to blame ourselves for not figuring out how to be happy when the people we loved let us down because we never got to hold the people in our lives responsible for how they let us down. It was just something we didn't learn. Yet we know it exists, because we can see other people do it and do it well.
I have to suspect that DesertEyes - chances are you weren't dumped. Chances are this unhealthy person left because it was easier than getting healthy and being with you.
The problem is that you're probably using an old tool to deal with this problem - that if this person let you down, it is your fault for not figuring out how to be happy with what little [support, intimacy, etc.] they were giving you.
A new tool might suggest that if this person let you down, it may be because they were not capable of giving you the healthy supportive relationship you need.
Read that again: they were not capable of giving you what you need.
If you can accept that sentence, you'll also notice that nowhere does it say that they left because or you, or that it was your fault. Yet I bet somewhere deep down inside you still suspect there is something you could have done differently to change it - that somehow, because you didn't figure it out, the failure of the relationship is your fault. And yet, it is not your fault.
Even in my own thinking I am still picking out old useless "tools" that I still tote around from childhood. I still slip into depression thinking that my accomplishments don't matter, I still focus on the negative, and I still sometimes feel like my A-parent's drinking is my fault because I didn't do enough. It takes a lot of work to break those old thinking habits and reinforce some new ones. It's hard because the new tools are only a couple years old and I'm still learning them. Whereas I have years of practice with the old tools.
What has helped me immensely was educating myself as much as possible about the effects of alcoholism on families, and reading the stories on this forum. It has taken a few years but my ability to cope with both my family and my own day-to-day life has improved tremendously. In fact it was a breakup from someone who ended up treating me very badly that prompted me towards recovery to begin with. I was asking what you are asking here: is it even possible for me to change? am I doomed to keep getting hurt by people like this forever? I was desperate to know because I could see the pattern, but I could not see how to change it.
Do read our stories. Browse through the posts. Continue to update, as it teaches others who will read your post. Many people here are working through different stages of learning new tools, sharing their discoveries, experiencing setbacks, and so on. We may struggle from time to time, but we are not stuck. Neither are you
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I grew up in an alcoholic home. It took me a long time, but when I finally found alanon and really started working it, I got most of my sanity back.
It's a daily journey.
Hang in there, learn a lot and don't fear your future.
It's a daily journey.
Hang in there, learn a lot and don't fear your future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 3
Hi, ive been in tears reading this, as you all make so much sense. and Its wonderful just to know that I am not alone dealing with this, thank you. its been proving really hard unpicking the "truths" that i learnt to live by - first those of my family and then those of my ex partner - from everything else to come up with another version that doesnt make me an appalling person. i still really believe inside what they each individually told me - that I am worthless and incompetent and "should do the world a favour and just disappear" (quote from the ex on Christmas day - he's nothing if not good at picking his moments!) - but just hearing that there is another interpretation helps so much. i dont feel so trapped as i did before, and I'm beginning to think that he might, just might, not be right about everything! thank you.
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Tropical Island
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by VintageRose
Is it possible to work through the way you are becasue of your childhood, and stop the patterns? or are you stuck with being like that forever?
I have good days and I have bad days and because I know so much about myself today I am a lot better at hiding my emotions or working through them, but I dont know if I will ever get over my feelings of low self esteem or my deeply rooted distrust of people.
But it is like the old saying goes : ".......I may not be where I want to be , but at least I am not where I used to be...." (or somehting like that)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by VintageRose
...I'm beginning to think that he might, just might, not be right about everything! thank you.
Look at a newborn child, freshly delivered from God. That child is pure, beautiful and adorable thru and thru. All of us are born _exactly_ the same. Everything else is "stuff" we picked up along the path of life. Good, bad or indiferent.
What we do in recovery is carefuly examing all the baggage of life that we have accumulated. Toss out the bad, and keep the good.
Come join us on this path, VintageRose, it's filled with all the beautiful things that we missed out in our childhood, and it leads to a wonderful life that is happy, joyous and free.
Mike
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