ice17

Lastnight i had an amazing breakthrough with my dad. Recently i have been thinking about the issues that i have with him about his drinking and even when he stopped, he never talked about it. It was just as if it was forgotten. Last night i just had a moment where i told him everything. I told him how he was when he was drinking, how it affected me and everything else i was feeling. And he was really understanding. The problem is that now im feeling guilty. I know i hurt him by saying what i did, even though i needed to say it for me.

guiab

It sounds like you did the right thing!!
And you feel relived and your dad seemed to accept your viewpoint. He was not in denial, and you did not nag or attempt to change his viewpoint. This is real progress, for both of you.

I spoke to my dad once or maybe twice about his drinking, and I met a wall of denial and terse 'its water over the bridge' (basically, something was wrong with me for bringing it up - classic dry drunk thinking). I never brought it up with him again. Thankfully, you had a different outcome.

Letting the 'Elephant in the room' persist does not do us ACOA's any good. For my own recovery I had to at least expose it, tell it like it is, but then I regretfully accepted that some have a certain affection for pachyderms.

Working on changing myself is always the better choice than changing others.
Your dad knows where you stand now. Maybe the subject will come up again, and maybe not, depending on what you need and how hard it will be to work with any denial.

dolce7dolore

Congrats. It sounds like you spoke to him in a very mature and calm manner--can't say I've ever done the same. Your father probably is hurt by your words, but it is how you feel, and you had a right to say what you said. It's much easier said than done, but please do not feel guilty. You were in the right by speaking about what you feel, and not only that, but you broke the silence, which is one of the hardest things to get over. Good job.

Carol Star

You did fine. We don't cause it. It effects us. We aren't doormats. Nobody can walk on you unless you are already lying down. They need boundares. They can be selfish.We need to be selfish.

GingerM

What a wonderful (and rare!) outcome!

I imagine your dad did feel guilty. Wouldn't you? If you had caused so much harm to a person, and they finally bring it up and you have the recovery tools to be able to admit to what you did, wouldn't you feel pretty awful about yourself?

But! He did talk. He did feel. He didn't say it was your fault or hide in the booze. It sounds like you've both made progress. And it may have, a day or two later, made him feel better, as he was able to let you know (whether by words or behavior) that he isn't proud of what he did, and he isn't pretending it didn't happen anymore. Like when you have a big bad secret and you can finally tell someone about it.

I hope you will take with you your own recovery, and not carry any guilt about his recovery. Apologizing to those we wronged is part of that recovery, as is admitting to what we've done in our past and accepting the impact we've had on others. His recovery is his to own. Yours seems to be doing well!