Helping or enabling?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
Helping or enabling?
I could really use some help. I am an adult daughter of an alcoholic mother.
My mother has been drinking for more than 40 years, but only recently found her way all the way to the bottom. On her way to the bottom, she married an unemployed marijuana addict. They live a long distance from me, and I unknowingly assisted their slide to the bottom by helping pay some large bills for them. It makes me sick to realize that I contributed to their decline--that my money helped buy their booze and pot.
My mother was hospitalized and nearly died. She now tells me that she will never drink again. I have never heard her admit to being an alcoholic before. I want to believe she could change. Her husband has quit his addictions cold turkey. They are in really bad shape financially. It is adding a lot of stress to their already difficult recovery. Am I hurting or helping if I assist with money now? I am so angry over the prior abuse of my funds, that I don't want to help more, but I understand that they are in a bad spot, and I can afford to help. What should I do?
My mother has been drinking for more than 40 years, but only recently found her way all the way to the bottom. On her way to the bottom, she married an unemployed marijuana addict. They live a long distance from me, and I unknowingly assisted their slide to the bottom by helping pay some large bills for them. It makes me sick to realize that I contributed to their decline--that my money helped buy their booze and pot.
My mother was hospitalized and nearly died. She now tells me that she will never drink again. I have never heard her admit to being an alcoholic before. I want to believe she could change. Her husband has quit his addictions cold turkey. They are in really bad shape financially. It is adding a lot of stress to their already difficult recovery. Am I hurting or helping if I assist with money now? I am so angry over the prior abuse of my funds, that I don't want to help more, but I understand that they are in a bad spot, and I can afford to help. What should I do?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Your situation is probably one of the toughest ones to be in. You want to believe that they are sincere about their intentions to go clean, but at the same time desperate people say and do some pretty desperate things to get what they need.
I never wanted to believe that my AF would have used me and my sister like that, but that was exactly what he did for years. He never really hit bottom, because we always cushioned it right before he hit. We just kept believing he would only need our help for a little bit longer, just out of this one last jam, this one unexpected expense. (He is also a distance away, so we have no idea what he is actually doing on a daily basis) It made it so easy for him that he didn't even work anymore. They can be very convincing when they need to be, especially from a distance, and especially when they know you've given in the past.
Are they in any sort of therapy, AA or NA meetings? How are they trying to pay their bills on their own? Lets be honest here, if they aren't getting help, are they really serious about recovering? Are they doing whatever work they can to make their own money? I know it's hard to 'turn your back' on someone you love, but I'm learning not to look at it that way, which is really hard. I'm not turning my back , I'm letting him experience the repercussions of his actions for the past 16 years. That's all part of hitting bottom. Unless they are devoted to fixing themselves, they will eventually go back to their old ways. My AF started recovery a year ago, and isn't serious about it at all... doesn't go to meetings anymore, I don't even think he has a sponsor anymore. And he believes he is cured... even though he is comfortable being around beer, using it to cook with, etc etc... He hasn't recovered, he's just not drinking right now.
After a bad experience, everyone says the same thing... "man, I'll never do that again" but it's amazing how quick the bad memories fade, and we return to whatever it was we swore we would never do, especially when we are in denial of our problem in the first place. Whether it's an addiction to drinking booze, taking drugs, or even an addiction to "helping others" (that's my problem, codependant, like it's my responsibility they can't take care of themselves). I promise myself "this time will be different, I know what I'm doing now", but it never turns out that way.
I do hope your mother and her husband are serious about their desire to live sober, just as I hope every day that my father wants the same thing as much as I do. But that is something that only they know, there is no way you will know what the future holds until you see it in their actions.
Just wanted to share my personal battle with the exact same question you have, since I was asking it about 3 weeks ago. And since I am so early in _my_ recovery, I still don't have an answer. Alanon can help, I highly recommend going to a meeting.
Good luck and God Bless!
I never wanted to believe that my AF would have used me and my sister like that, but that was exactly what he did for years. He never really hit bottom, because we always cushioned it right before he hit. We just kept believing he would only need our help for a little bit longer, just out of this one last jam, this one unexpected expense. (He is also a distance away, so we have no idea what he is actually doing on a daily basis) It made it so easy for him that he didn't even work anymore. They can be very convincing when they need to be, especially from a distance, and especially when they know you've given in the past.
Are they in any sort of therapy, AA or NA meetings? How are they trying to pay their bills on their own? Lets be honest here, if they aren't getting help, are they really serious about recovering? Are they doing whatever work they can to make their own money? I know it's hard to 'turn your back' on someone you love, but I'm learning not to look at it that way, which is really hard. I'm not turning my back , I'm letting him experience the repercussions of his actions for the past 16 years. That's all part of hitting bottom. Unless they are devoted to fixing themselves, they will eventually go back to their old ways. My AF started recovery a year ago, and isn't serious about it at all... doesn't go to meetings anymore, I don't even think he has a sponsor anymore. And he believes he is cured... even though he is comfortable being around beer, using it to cook with, etc etc... He hasn't recovered, he's just not drinking right now.
After a bad experience, everyone says the same thing... "man, I'll never do that again" but it's amazing how quick the bad memories fade, and we return to whatever it was we swore we would never do, especially when we are in denial of our problem in the first place. Whether it's an addiction to drinking booze, taking drugs, or even an addiction to "helping others" (that's my problem, codependant, like it's my responsibility they can't take care of themselves). I promise myself "this time will be different, I know what I'm doing now", but it never turns out that way.
I do hope your mother and her husband are serious about their desire to live sober, just as I hope every day that my father wants the same thing as much as I do. But that is something that only they know, there is no way you will know what the future holds until you see it in their actions.
Just wanted to share my personal battle with the exact same question you have, since I was asking it about 3 weeks ago. And since I am so early in _my_ recovery, I still don't have an answer. Alanon can help, I highly recommend going to a meeting.
Good luck and God Bless!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Hi Usedkid,
It´s a very difficult situation indeed. I would make sure the money would go where it´s intended. Is there any way you can make sure of that?
I think it´s clear that they need to earn your trust. Is your mother making everything in her power to turn her life around, attending meetings, working, like KittyKitty asked?
Best of luck,
It´s a very difficult situation indeed. I would make sure the money would go where it´s intended. Is there any way you can make sure of that?
I think it´s clear that they need to earn your trust. Is your mother making everything in her power to turn her life around, attending meetings, working, like KittyKitty asked?
Best of luck,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
Thank you to all of you who have responded. It has been an enormous help to read more.
I have given my mother and her husband information on AA meetings in their area. They took the information, but have made no apparent attempt to attend. They are too far away for me to know if they use or not.
I have arranged to assist my mom with her bills for a little while to take some financial pressure off of them while they are "supposedly" in recovery. Payments will be made directly to the sources. If my mom and her husband are not using, this will give them an opportunity to save money. If they end up back in financial trouble again after a few months, it will let me know the truth about what is going on.
I need to find the strength to be clear that my assistance is only temporary and then there will be no more. I don't know how I will be able to do that, but it isn't fair to my husband and kids to throw our savings into their black hole.
I have given my mother and her husband information on AA meetings in their area. They took the information, but have made no apparent attempt to attend. They are too far away for me to know if they use or not.
I have arranged to assist my mom with her bills for a little while to take some financial pressure off of them while they are "supposedly" in recovery. Payments will be made directly to the sources. If my mom and her husband are not using, this will give them an opportunity to save money. If they end up back in financial trouble again after a few months, it will let me know the truth about what is going on.
I need to find the strength to be clear that my assistance is only temporary and then there will be no more. I don't know how I will be able to do that, but it isn't fair to my husband and kids to throw our savings into their black hole.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Usedkid,
I believe you´re doing the right thing and you´re doing great.
You´ve resolved this matter diplomatically and backed it up with action. Now you just have to make it clear to your mother and her husband that this arrangement is temporary.
I know how hard this can be and in France we have what we call mediators. When there is an emotionally charged situation, a outside person can intervene and talk to both parties. Maybe you can find an outside person to help in your state to consult with, or someone with the social services?
Be kind to yourself, build up strength and then you might call your mother, ask her if she´s attending AA and tell her you can only help for a short period of time. Be clear and to the point and urge her to look for work. You might even suggest something to her.
The point of the matter is, you have your own family and you didn´t cause your mother´s problems. She did it for herself and help is available to her, AA meetings, social securites, therapy and work if she so chooses.
Good luck.
I believe you´re doing the right thing and you´re doing great.
You´ve resolved this matter diplomatically and backed it up with action. Now you just have to make it clear to your mother and her husband that this arrangement is temporary.
I know how hard this can be and in France we have what we call mediators. When there is an emotionally charged situation, a outside person can intervene and talk to both parties. Maybe you can find an outside person to help in your state to consult with, or someone with the social services?
Be kind to yourself, build up strength and then you might call your mother, ask her if she´s attending AA and tell her you can only help for a short period of time. Be clear and to the point and urge her to look for work. You might even suggest something to her.
The point of the matter is, you have your own family and you didn´t cause your mother´s problems. She did it for herself and help is available to her, AA meetings, social securites, therapy and work if she so chooses.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by usedkid 
I could really use some help. I am an adult daughter of an alcoholic mother.
My mother has been drinking for more than 40 years, but only recently found her way all the way to the bottom. On her way to the bottom, she married an unemployed marijuana addict. They live a long distance from me, and I unknowingly assisted their slide to the bottom by helping pay some large bills for them. It makes me sick to realize that I contributed to their decline--that my money helped buy their booze and pot.
My mother was hospitalized and nearly died. She now tells me that she will never drink again. I have never heard her admit to being an alcoholic before. I want to believe she could change. Her husband has quit his addictions cold turkey. They are in really bad shape financially. It is adding a lot of stress to their already difficult recovery. Am I hurting or helping if I assist with money now? I am so angry over the prior abuse of my funds, that I don't want to help more, but I understand that they are in a bad spot, and I can afford to help. What should I do?
My mother has been drinking for more than 40 years, but only recently found her way all the way to the bottom. On her way to the bottom, she married an unemployed marijuana addict. They live a long distance from me, and I unknowingly assisted their slide to the bottom by helping pay some large bills for them. It makes me sick to realize that I contributed to their decline--that my money helped buy their booze and pot.
My mother was hospitalized and nearly died. She now tells me that she will never drink again. I have never heard her admit to being an alcoholic before. I want to believe she could change. Her husband has quit his addictions cold turkey. They are in really bad shape financially. It is adding a lot of stress to their already difficult recovery. Am I hurting or helping if I assist with money now? I am so angry over the prior abuse of my funds, that I don't want to help more, but I understand that they are in a bad spot, and I can afford to help. What should I do?
Lots of alkies "quit cold turkey," but that's like Mark Twain said about quitting smoking: "It's easy to do -- I've done it many times." Call me cynical, but from your description, it does not sound as though they're doing what they need to do -- whatever that is, and I can't say, since I'm not an alcoholic. Just saying "I'll never drink again, that's it" is a line I heard any number of times, long before my qualifier actually got sober and healthy (which required several months of inpatient treatment). It's not like turning off a switch, and it's off for good -- it's a commitment they have to make, and stick to, one day at a time.
Paying their bills is probably not going to affect -- one way or the other -- whether they get, and stay, sober. Sure, if you don't pay up, they'll have a ready-made excuse for going back to the bottle: "Woe is me, my children don't love me, they won't help me, poor me, pour me a drink." Either they want to get sober or they don't -- but that's their decision, not yours, to make. If there were a way to make someone get sober, we'd be happy to share it (the admins would have it in one of those "sticky" messages at the top of the forum
) -- but there isn't.Anyhow, do go to Al-Anon, share your story, and listen to what others have to say. At any meeting, you're likely to find numerous people who have been and are still, in a similar situation to what you're going through.
T
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
Hi Usedkid!
Yes, Alanon, like Tromboneliness said, would be a great support group for you. They will teach you how to be strong and how to respond to your mom by how they have dealt with the same sort of issues. It has helped me to not take things so personally with my mom who is an alcoholic too. My mom is in her seventies and was not an alcoholic when I was growing up. It has only been the last 5-10 or? years or so that I have witnessed more and more of her disease as it is getting worse. She and my dad also live a few hrs away so it's hard to tell what goes on daily, like your mom's case. I just felt like when I was there and saw her drinking I was suppose to do something about it and either pour out her wine when she wasn't looking or confront her when she could barely stand and talk properly. It has only led to fights because she doesn't want my help. She wants me to leave her alone to drink herself to death. It's agonizing because she is really such a giving, loving person when she is herself. She is just is so depressed all the time. Alanon meetings and their literature have been so beneficial and have helped me realize that this is a family disease that affects the whole family wherever they live and that : I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. That's just one of their sayings.... There are many more along with how to set boundaries to help with your sanity and not make you an enabler.... Truly, try it out.
We can show God's love and be kind but not be a doormat. It sounds like you're onto a good start too. Alanon may make it easier.
Blessings and prayers.....
Yes, Alanon, like Tromboneliness said, would be a great support group for you. They will teach you how to be strong and how to respond to your mom by how they have dealt with the same sort of issues. It has helped me to not take things so personally with my mom who is an alcoholic too. My mom is in her seventies and was not an alcoholic when I was growing up. It has only been the last 5-10 or? years or so that I have witnessed more and more of her disease as it is getting worse. She and my dad also live a few hrs away so it's hard to tell what goes on daily, like your mom's case. I just felt like when I was there and saw her drinking I was suppose to do something about it and either pour out her wine when she wasn't looking or confront her when she could barely stand and talk properly. It has only led to fights because she doesn't want my help. She wants me to leave her alone to drink herself to death. It's agonizing because she is really such a giving, loving person when she is herself. She is just is so depressed all the time. Alanon meetings and their literature have been so beneficial and have helped me realize that this is a family disease that affects the whole family wherever they live and that : I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. That's just one of their sayings.... There are many more along with how to set boundaries to help with your sanity and not make you an enabler.... Truly, try it out.
We can show God's love and be kind but not be a doormat. It sounds like you're onto a good start too. Alanon may make it easier.
Blessings and prayers.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 3
Thanks for all your support. I will attend an AA meeting tomorrow. I found one near me. Things have gotten worse for my mom since I last wrote. She is doing well and not drinking, but her husband has relapsed. His behavior is very out of control, and possibly suicidal. I honestly don't know how to help her. I think I should go pull her out of the situation, but the last thing I need is her living with me. It's a terrible mess.
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