tjp613

My 15 y.o. (almost 16) daughter confronted her dad (my ex) about his drinking last June and their relationship has suffered greatly because of it. If you go back a bit farther in history she had asked him not to drink when she's around (he binges) and he complied for awhile, but then started up again with a few glasses of wine or more... I have no idea really. the point is that she had repeatedly complained of his drinking and he basically ignored her. Well, she finally had "enough" and has chosen not to visit him anymore. He's all in denial and has been for 25 years and thinks that I am somehow turning her against him...but I'm not. I AM however supporting her. I have also tried mediating some kind of resolution between them but he's acting like a 10 year old who's pouting because his feelings got hurt. It's a bunch of BS. She is acting like she's just greatly relieved that she doesn't have to talk to him or see him and seems quite content without his presence in her life.

She has just started seeing a psychotherapist because I really don't want her to just stuff these issues and she does have a bit of a problem with depression but it's getting better.

Any words of advice? Should I just let the two of them work it out on their own? I feel like I don't have much choice in the matter... If I told him the steps he needed to take to heal the relationship, he wouldn't hear me because it involves admitting that he has a drinking problem. I honestly think she could go a LONG time w/o talking to him but I don't think that's healthy.

I'm posting here because I'd like the perspective of ACOA's who have maybe gone through something similar. Thanks in advance for sharing...

Live

I would honor her wishes in the matter.
If he wants to heal things with her...it would have to come from him, and I wouldn't hold my breath.
Or perhaps when she is older, she may choose to see him.
You never know..and at this age, they have enough things going on....
I would just sit back, wait, let nature take it's course.
I know my daughter's thinking matured tremendously between 16 and 20, and gosh now at 27 she even agrees with me about some of the things she thought I was being a "drag" about! LOL

Live

PS I realize you are talking about relating to an adult addict....you know some of my story...and you can guess that my daughter had problems with her father.
I have also sat back and witnessed a young gal who came into my life when she was 4 and is now 18 and her way of seeing her dad, an abusive alcoholic.
It would be nice if your daughter had a healthy uncle or someone like that to relate to as a male figure..or teachers...but I just can't see pushing her to see her dad if she doesn't want to.
That is one of HIS consequences. sigh.

tjp613

Thanks for validating what I was thinking already. That's always reassuring.

Her stepfather is a wonderful male role model -- I'm very lucky that way

dothi

Hi tjp613

I can give you the perspective of a 20-something y.o. daughter who has made the same decision as your daughter. I've also tried many times to confront my alcoholic father on his drinking. He is not ready to admit that his drinking has played any role in where he is in his life now. His is defensive and uses guilt to keep from being confronted. I've come to look at my relationship with him like any other relationship in my life - I shouldn't stay in it if it's unhealthy.

Something that was essential to freeing myself from the pain of that relationship was having the support of my mother. Initially there was pressure to love my dad cause "he's the only one I've got." THANK GOD he's the only one I've got because I don't know if I could have survived with another one like that! If my mom has refused to support me, quite frankly, I would have estranged from her as well. The sheer pain of having a toxic parent in my life was too great to subject myself to anymore. When my mom (long-time codependent) turned around and said she supported me, that alone gave me tremendous strength to move forward.

For myself, that is what I had to do - move forward. I had to move forward past the pain and disappointment of having a dad who was never going to be the father I needed. As I imagine it is for your daughter, this wasn't a light decision. You do only have one dad, and so it is really REALLY crappy when that one doesn't work out.

But believe me, your daughter's biological dad isn't the only source of dad-type nurturing out there. As you've mentioned, your daughter has other role models in her life.

Plus livewyred is right - this is one of HIS consequences, and not something for you to take responsibility of. Besides, who knows what the future holds and whether your daughter will change her mind or your ex will take steps towards recovery. None of that is under your control.

I think you're already doing all the right things in letting her know that you support her and that she is responsible AND capable of making her own decisions regarding this matter. Do what you're doing - and stay out of it. My mom knows not to meddle in the relationship between me and my dad. Ah, let me clarify that: my mom knows what the consequences are if she meddles. Meddling would be a boundary-crosser for me, because it would show me that she values the appearance of a functional family more than a genuine family - warts and all. It would also show me that her support is just lip service, since her actions would be showing me otherwise. That's just my embittered perspective. FWIW I wish my mom would have shown me this support when I was 16 instead of waiting 10 years. It would have helped me avoid a lot of depression-driven holidays and guilt-fueled decisions that I feel I literally lost years of my life to. I am thankful now to have freedom from that.

tjp613

Hi Dothi-

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. You've really clarified what my position should be and I appreciate it. I'm just gonna butt out and let him sink or swim.

That sure feels good to cross off my list! Thank you!