Making amends for a resentment?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: up north
Posts: 102
Making amends for a resentment?
How do I go about making amends for a resentment?
(or do I?)
I have a friend that I really resented due to certain beliefs she holds. I don't believe she has any idea of my resentment towards her, as we are still friends, and a long time ago just agreed to disagree on that one certain issue.
Still, while I was drinking I used to resent her beliefs like crazy. Not sure why, but it used to REALLY bother me...Interestingly enough, those beliefs don't bother me nearly as much any more.
Do I make amends to her for a resentment she didn't know I held?
If so how would I go about doing this?
Thank you in advance for any advice you may have on this subject.
(or do I?)
I have a friend that I really resented due to certain beliefs she holds. I don't believe she has any idea of my resentment towards her, as we are still friends, and a long time ago just agreed to disagree on that one certain issue.
Still, while I was drinking I used to resent her beliefs like crazy. Not sure why, but it used to REALLY bother me...Interestingly enough, those beliefs don't bother me nearly as much any more.
Do I make amends to her for a resentment she didn't know I held?
If so how would I go about doing this?
Thank you in advance for any advice you may have on this subject.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Amends are all about harm. We make amends for harm we have caused to others.
In inventory, after you place this person's name in the first column: specifically what it is that you resent about this person in the second : how it affects you in the third column, you arrive at the fourth. The fourth column puts the other person out of mind completely and becomes "What has this attitude I carry caused me to do, to this person or others".
More than likely, especially people we hold resentment against because of their belief's - some action has been taken that requires ammends. Snubbing them, saying negative things about them behind their back...not letting ones self get to truly know this other for who they are when blocked by resentment.
I tend to follow the directions laid out in the book.....
In inventory, after you place this person's name in the first column: specifically what it is that you resent about this person in the second : how it affects you in the third column, you arrive at the fourth. The fourth column puts the other person out of mind completely and becomes "What has this attitude I carry caused me to do, to this person or others".
More than likely, especially people we hold resentment against because of their belief's - some action has been taken that requires ammends. Snubbing them, saying negative things about them behind their back...not letting ones self get to truly know this other for who they are when blocked by resentment.
I tend to follow the directions laid out in the book.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
Agreed.
A doing of the steps in order would seem paramount so as to bring about why you might owe an amend for the harm you've done if any in step 9, a realization of that harm and a willingness to make the approach in step 8, because back in step 7 you asked God to remove the shortcoming within you that was revealed in the matter, because in Step 6 you became entirely willing to remove the defect of character, because in step 5 the sharing of your inventory you saw that the way you viewed her in the 2nd column and the way you viewed yourself playing God in the 3rd column and your views about the role God plays in both of your lives was a lie to begin with, because in the 3rd step, you made a decision to take responsibility to for your life as God's child, agent, employee, because in step 2 you opened up the door to seek a new experience of God and/or became willing to operate on the belief that God is everything, because in step 1 you saw what your life is based on self and your own power and that in that state you will drink booze again and die/go insane/get locked up.
Something like that. So, if you can look at that and find the harm you've done... it may be something as simple as you denying God for yourself and for her and like sugErspun said, you snubbed her or something... then yes, you own her an amend.
But I would approach the amend such that I don't cause further harm or tell her you think she did anything wrong if she didn't do anything wrong.
Here's a basic amend I would make or use as a starting point.
"I am setting out to repair the damage that I've caused as this is what I need to do to stay sober. I've harmed you and this is what I've done to cause you harm... What can I do to set this right? I will do this and that and/or I will intend this or that in the future and I wish you well." Or you may ask something like "Is there anything you would add to this?" or "Would you like to tell me how this has affected you?" But some of those need to be done with great caution. It can be so easy to be misunderstood or to cause further harm in an amend.
I like the technique described in the saying, "Be brief, be brilliant, be gone."
A doing of the steps in order would seem paramount so as to bring about why you might owe an amend for the harm you've done if any in step 9, a realization of that harm and a willingness to make the approach in step 8, because back in step 7 you asked God to remove the shortcoming within you that was revealed in the matter, because in Step 6 you became entirely willing to remove the defect of character, because in step 5 the sharing of your inventory you saw that the way you viewed her in the 2nd column and the way you viewed yourself playing God in the 3rd column and your views about the role God plays in both of your lives was a lie to begin with, because in the 3rd step, you made a decision to take responsibility to for your life as God's child, agent, employee, because in step 2 you opened up the door to seek a new experience of God and/or became willing to operate on the belief that God is everything, because in step 1 you saw what your life is based on self and your own power and that in that state you will drink booze again and die/go insane/get locked up.
Something like that. So, if you can look at that and find the harm you've done... it may be something as simple as you denying God for yourself and for her and like sugErspun said, you snubbed her or something... then yes, you own her an amend.
But I would approach the amend such that I don't cause further harm or tell her you think she did anything wrong if she didn't do anything wrong.
Here's a basic amend I would make or use as a starting point.
"I am setting out to repair the damage that I've caused as this is what I need to do to stay sober. I've harmed you and this is what I've done to cause you harm... What can I do to set this right? I will do this and that and/or I will intend this or that in the future and I wish you well." Or you may ask something like "Is there anything you would add to this?" or "Would you like to tell me how this has affected you?" But some of those need to be done with great caution. It can be so easy to be misunderstood or to cause further harm in an amend.
I like the technique described in the saying, "Be brief, be brilliant, be gone."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: up north
Posts: 102
Thank you both, sugErspun and McGowdog for your replies.
You have caused me to realise that I need to back up a bit and reexamine the way I did my 4th step. I am a beginner at this (2 months sober) and have been attending (aside from my home group meetings) a 'Back To Basics' meeting in which one is taken through all of the steps in a month of weekly meetings (plus, of course, work with one's sponsor).
Your replies have really helped to clarify steps four, eight and nine for me.
Thank you.
--Sphal
You have caused me to realise that I need to back up a bit and reexamine the way I did my 4th step. I am a beginner at this (2 months sober) and have been attending (aside from my home group meetings) a 'Back To Basics' meeting in which one is taken through all of the steps in a month of weekly meetings (plus, of course, work with one's sponsor).
Your replies have really helped to clarify steps four, eight and nine for me.
Thank you.
--Sphal
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Boston
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by sphalerite 
Thank you both, sugErspun and McGowdog for your replies.
You have caused me to realise that I need to back up a bit and reexamine the way I did my 4th step. I am a beginner at this (2 months sober) and have been attending (aside from my home group meetings) a 'Back To Basics' meeting in which one is taken through all of the steps in a month of weekly meetings (plus, of course, work with one's sponsor).
Your replies have really helped to clarify steps four, eight and nine for me.
Thank you.
--Sphal
You have caused me to realise that I need to back up a bit and reexamine the way I did my 4th step. I am a beginner at this (2 months sober) and have been attending (aside from my home group meetings) a 'Back To Basics' meeting in which one is taken through all of the steps in a month of weekly meetings (plus, of course, work with one's sponsor).
Your replies have really helped to clarify steps four, eight and nine for me.
Thank you.
--Sphal
Over ten yrs ago I did the same thing, quit drinking and launched right into the steps, there were voices that said don't change anything for the first yr.
But the old timers said the most opportune time for willingness was as soon as I quit puking. SO like yourself I worked the steps like my butt was on fire.
Its the best thing I ever did. I also attended back to basics meetings format, we used the big book and worked the steps without foot dragging.
Keep the faith.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
What did you do to her as a result of that hidden resentment? If nothing, no amends. IF something, make amends. Remember it's not about justifying your behaviour (sorry I kept on cutting you off for example, but it's because I was harboring a resentment) Rather it's I acknowledge I cut you off when speaking about x. I was wrong. Please accept my apology (apology is not an amend but rather an entry to an amend) How can I make it better? Or can I suggest that I do x to make it better. e.g. I commit to always hearing you out even if I disagree with you. That kinda thing.
This is such an INCREDIBLE PROGRAM!!!
Cathy31
x
This is such an INCREDIBLE PROGRAM!!!
Cathy31
x
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Robbie thank you! I've always found it rather easy to give advice LOL! 
Jokes, but at least in recovery I'm usually basing it on what I've been taught and what I've physically done!
We are so blessed!
Cathy31
x
Jokes, but at least in recovery I'm usually basing it on what I've been taught and what I've physically done!We are so blessed!
Cathy31
x
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Cathy31
Please accept my apology (apology is not an amend but rather an entry to an amend)
Originally Posted by Cathy31
How can I make it better?
lol.... still find myself having to swallow before I can get those words to come out of my mouth! lol
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Boston
Posts: 30
Theres nothing wrong with making an amend if there was no percieved harm done.
Theres nothing wrong with confessing resentment and asking " have I harmed you in any way"?
We might find there was indeed harm.!
Theres nothing wrong with confessing resentment and asking " have I harmed you in any way"?
We might find there was indeed harm.!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
as long as confessing to a resentment they never new you had doesn't harm them worse than not knowing.
I confessed to wronging someone once. I talked behind her back. She didn't know. The damage caused by the confession and request to make it right if possible exceeded the original damage by far.
Amends are tricky. I still don't have any sort of grasp on this step, but i did have that expereince.
I guess from the recieving end of an amends, I know that i am more hurt when someone tells me they did something i don't know about, or they felt some certain way (negatively) about me.
I'm ok with others being human and having those feelings and making those mistakes...But i really don't care to hear about it...why? so THEY can feel better...not the purpose of the step imo
I confessed to wronging someone once. I talked behind her back. She didn't know. The damage caused by the confession and request to make it right if possible exceeded the original damage by far.
Amends are tricky. I still don't have any sort of grasp on this step, but i did have that expereince.
I guess from the recieving end of an amends, I know that i am more hurt when someone tells me they did something i don't know about, or they felt some certain way (negatively) about me.
I'm ok with others being human and having those feelings and making those mistakes...But i really don't care to hear about it...why? so THEY can feel better...not the purpose of the step imo
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
