anger issues with drunk dad
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
anger issues with drunk dad
I have been recognizing a lot of anger towards my father and had about a month ago really told him off. I told him he had irrepairably damaged our relationship...it was a moment of truth for me though. Since I had moved on with my life after divorcing the alcoholic husband.....and finding a sweet wonderful loving man.....when I hear the same kind of abusive language I was so used to hearing with the ex, it kind of surprises me to hear it and then astounds me that I am no longer willing to accept that type of behavior towards me. I also realized when I was telling my father off-that he and my ex were very very much alike in that respect and I had never put that together. Even though I had known most of my life that dad's behavior was wrong, could be i was never willing to accept it. I preferred to just avoid it.
He crossed the line this time and I in no uncertain terms told him. I also told him that (as I was coming to that realization while speaking to him) that it was no wonder why I married the A- cause he was just exactly like him. I attribute his behaviors to his alcoholism, and he is not getting any better and he is just as abusive to his girlfriend as he was my mother.
On top of all this he is to have quadruple heart surgery in about a week. and I just keep hoping he just drops dead.
I know it is about forgiving and understanding and all that for my own sake, but the difficulty now lies in when I even remotely think of him or what he did or didn't do, this rageful anger comes leaking out of me. It's like I wish he would ******* die so that I can get him out of my head and move on with my life-without this spillover which I know is directly related to him.
The sticky at the top about removing your family from toxic relationships no matter what, may have been a catalyst for me. At least I am pretty sure I feel more comfortable about not allowing my children to be around him anymore. They seem to be a LOT less aggressive too.
I come to find out after I cut him out of our life that when they would spend the night there, in the mornings he would be blasting his girlfriend with language he would never admit to using....but in spite of the fact that my children were there hearing it! That really put the final nail in the coffin.
I am not sad. I am better than ok without him and his constant "all about me" haranguing. But i would like to be over the anger that I don't even feel (at least I don't consciously feel) which resides in me. Thanks for letting me rant.
He crossed the line this time and I in no uncertain terms told him. I also told him that (as I was coming to that realization while speaking to him) that it was no wonder why I married the A- cause he was just exactly like him. I attribute his behaviors to his alcoholism, and he is not getting any better and he is just as abusive to his girlfriend as he was my mother.
On top of all this he is to have quadruple heart surgery in about a week. and I just keep hoping he just drops dead.
I know it is about forgiving and understanding and all that for my own sake, but the difficulty now lies in when I even remotely think of him or what he did or didn't do, this rageful anger comes leaking out of me. It's like I wish he would ******* die so that I can get him out of my head and move on with my life-without this spillover which I know is directly related to him.
The sticky at the top about removing your family from toxic relationships no matter what, may have been a catalyst for me. At least I am pretty sure I feel more comfortable about not allowing my children to be around him anymore. They seem to be a LOT less aggressive too.
I come to find out after I cut him out of our life that when they would spend the night there, in the mornings he would be blasting his girlfriend with language he would never admit to using....but in spite of the fact that my children were there hearing it! That really put the final nail in the coffin.
I am not sad. I am better than ok without him and his constant "all about me" haranguing. But i would like to be over the anger that I don't even feel (at least I don't consciously feel) which resides in me. Thanks for letting me rant.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there escape artist 
I think you're doing a great job protecting your kids and yourself from your father's alcoholism. I did the same thing with my own alcoholic parents and it worked great for me.
I also had that anger towards my parents that you describe. In my case it was all the resentment I had "buried" for so many years that came bubbling out when I got into recovery. I did several things to help it "burn off". I used it to drive me when exercising, and sometimes I even took a broomstick to a punching bag in the garage. That always gave me some relief for a day or two.
A good therapist did me a lot of good. Gave me a lot of writing exercises to help me "connect" with all the feelings I had stuffed. What did me the most good was to work out my boundaries with that therapist and stick to them. The more I was able to protect myself and my family the less anger I felt towards my parents.
What I discovered is that most of my anger was caused because I had been hurt. Once I was able to _prevent_ getting hurt there was no source for the anger.
A few years ago my father passed away from the consequences of his drinking. I felt no anger at all, no satisfaction in revenge. What recovery gave me was the ability to feel _sad_ for him, that he died still lost in his disease and was never able to find a happy, healthy life like I have.
Working the 12 steps on my ACoA "stuff" and a couple good therapists is what gave me that freedom. From what you have shared it sounds to me like you're on your way to that same kind of recovery too.
Mike
I think you're doing a great job protecting your kids and yourself from your father's alcoholism. I did the same thing with my own alcoholic parents and it worked great for me.
I also had that anger towards my parents that you describe. In my case it was all the resentment I had "buried" for so many years that came bubbling out when I got into recovery. I did several things to help it "burn off". I used it to drive me when exercising, and sometimes I even took a broomstick to a punching bag in the garage. That always gave me some relief for a day or two.
A good therapist did me a lot of good. Gave me a lot of writing exercises to help me "connect" with all the feelings I had stuffed. What did me the most good was to work out my boundaries with that therapist and stick to them. The more I was able to protect myself and my family the less anger I felt towards my parents.
What I discovered is that most of my anger was caused because I had been hurt. Once I was able to _prevent_ getting hurt there was no source for the anger.
A few years ago my father passed away from the consequences of his drinking. I felt no anger at all, no satisfaction in revenge. What recovery gave me was the ability to feel _sad_ for him, that he died still lost in his disease and was never able to find a happy, healthy life like I have.
Working the 12 steps on my ACoA "stuff" and a couple good therapists is what gave me that freedom. From what you have shared it sounds to me like you're on your way to that same kind of recovery too.
Mike
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