Denial
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Denial
Drake78's post highlighted something I have been thinking about recently. What is the purpose of denial? What use is it?
I've noticed that denial permeates so much of my upbringing and interaction with my family of origin.
My codependent mother and alcoholic brother live in denial, about so many, many things:
My mother denies the past was that bad, denies that I had a "bad" childhood, denies that abuse and neglect took place, denies that she could have done anything to change matters. She denies that my life is good, that I am happy. She denies that she is a codependent.
My brother denies that he has a problem with alcohol, that his problem is as bad as my father's was. He denies that he puts his alcoholic weekends before his own kids. He denies that his colleagues are competent, that his doctor is competent, that a charity he had a recent involvement with was helpful.
Both of them deny that they are less than perfect - the problems always lie with other people.
Both of them deny my son has autism, deny that he has a disability, deny that the doctors are correct - they prefer to blame me. Why do they do this?
It seems to me they cannot tolerate the thought of anything less than perfection. They cannot be honest, cannot live in reality - my brother numbs pain or unpleasantness with alcohol, my mother simply denies anything she doesn't want to hear, completely ignores it, zones out anything unpleasant that she does not want to deal with.
Has anyone else come across this - not just with alcohol but permeating whole lives. My mother's whole life is like a carefully constructed house of cards that is not routed in truth or reality. My brother is following in her footsteps. I appear to be the odd one out - I seem to be the only one who lives their life warts and all.
Sorry - bit of a ramble this post - thoughts anyone??
IWTHxxx
I've noticed that denial permeates so much of my upbringing and interaction with my family of origin.
My codependent mother and alcoholic brother live in denial, about so many, many things:
My mother denies the past was that bad, denies that I had a "bad" childhood, denies that abuse and neglect took place, denies that she could have done anything to change matters. She denies that my life is good, that I am happy. She denies that she is a codependent.
My brother denies that he has a problem with alcohol, that his problem is as bad as my father's was. He denies that he puts his alcoholic weekends before his own kids. He denies that his colleagues are competent, that his doctor is competent, that a charity he had a recent involvement with was helpful.
Both of them deny that they are less than perfect - the problems always lie with other people.
Both of them deny my son has autism, deny that he has a disability, deny that the doctors are correct - they prefer to blame me. Why do they do this?
It seems to me they cannot tolerate the thought of anything less than perfection. They cannot be honest, cannot live in reality - my brother numbs pain or unpleasantness with alcohol, my mother simply denies anything she doesn't want to hear, completely ignores it, zones out anything unpleasant that she does not want to deal with.
Has anyone else come across this - not just with alcohol but permeating whole lives. My mother's whole life is like a carefully constructed house of cards that is not routed in truth or reality. My brother is following in her footsteps. I appear to be the odd one out - I seem to be the only one who lives their life warts and all.
Sorry - bit of a ramble this post - thoughts anyone??
IWTHxxx
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
I know how you feel IWTH. My AF denied his addiction and the verbal abuse, or would just say 'its water over the dam, forget it.'
(That was a real favorite saying, and it still annoys me. We went over that dam a bit too many times. grrrrr. )
In the big picture, nearly all spiritual traditions are based on the existence of good/evil, yin/yang, suffering/enlightenment, light/dark, or some other admission that we do awful things to those close to us and there is room for improvement.
In the little picture of my life, it just su***.
(That was a real favorite saying, and it still annoys me. We went over that dam a bit too many times. grrrrr. )
In the big picture, nearly all spiritual traditions are based on the existence of good/evil, yin/yang, suffering/enlightenment, light/dark, or some other admission that we do awful things to those close to us and there is room for improvement.
In the little picture of my life, it just su***.
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