Mandjas

Ok latest saga! Short story version: sent mom email, she replied saying how it breaks her heart not to see my son and she stayed away to respect my wishes and how devastated she is that we are leaving ect etc. I replied with:

I don't have a problem with you, I love you. It's the drinking and the behaviour that comes with it that we aren't comfortable with because it's always there in the background and although varying in degrees it doesn't appear to really, truly get any better.

Of course I know that not seeing Sammy would upset you but in fairness the last few times Sammy was over at you place, I knew you had been drinking heavily and I chose to ignore it and then we find ourselves in the situation again. We were put in to a difficult situation and were forced to make a difficult decision. I only stipulated that "As a result while you are drinking, we are removing ourselves from the situation and choose to have no contact". Not that we didn't want to see you, so I am sorry if that was the impression I gave you.

I guess I wouldn't have believed you no, you are right that is a fair call. I hope you can accept that the trust has been badly damaged around this situation BUT it's not beyond repair. I don't need proof, all I need is honesty from you both, honesty to tell me you're not able to have him when things are bad or to say no to us if you have been drinking or to make sure you do not have a drink on the days you know you are seeing him - that is all.

Sammy has been asking about you both and I'm sure he misses you as well. While there are doubts in both of our minds, visits will involve us being there.

When you are feeling up to seeing us, just let me know and we'll come over.

So I was very firm in my boundaries and this is the email I got today:

I know the answer will be no

But is there any chance at all that your dad could collect Sammy from school tomorrow and bring him back here for a couple of hours


I think at the moment there are too many ‘open wounds’ between us and if we were all together the atmosphere wouldn’t be good for any of us especially Sammy

I feel so angry and have resisted emailing her back at this stage (thanks to ala-non).

In my heart I feel like telling her that she has to face up to her actions and if it means her being uncomfortable with the situation then so be it! The reason we got to this stage is because of her out of control habit. If she hadn't been off her face last time she saw him then we woudln't be in this mess in the first place! It so obviously clear she has no interest in seeing me - it's all about her grandson! How dare she completely ignore my wishes for her own comfort!

BUT I know that's not constructive and will 'poke the mad bull with a stick'.



I know I need to calm down!

Iwanttoheal

Well done, step away, don't escalate the game.

IWTHxxx

Mandjas

Believe me I was furious but I thought 'let it pass' and it did. I chanted to myself in the car on the way home that just for today I am not going to respond with anger and I haven't.

I am just annoyed now and will just re-iterate my boundaries to her, if she chooses to not want to have supervised visits then that is HER decision not mine!

I know they must think I am being unreasonable now (as afterall it wasn't that bad?!?) but I am getting stronger snd stronger and I know I am doing the right thing for ME and MY family.

reverse

Remember---its not about what THEY think. Focus on what u think. It is obvious that what u think is not their concern. Not only that, but she is only going to try to get you to give in to her and force you to go along with everything just so she can have her cake and eat it too. Don't let her stomp on ur emotions and disrespect your wishes. Stand ur ground, stick to the facts, and don't bend. You are sober-minded; obviously she is not.

Wascally Wabbit

Well, I have to applaud you for not falling victim and giving in to the "poor pitiful me" she's dishing out.
You made your decision. You have every right to make that decision. It is a good decision, and yes, it is quite fair.

Drinking is one of those things I have no room for in my life. It only brings chaos, anger, fear and general BS. Who needs it? I know I don't.
Best of luck to you. You sound very strong.

Goldberry

I too am glad you are stronger and will not let your mom disregard your wishes. She is trying to pretend they don't exist. Stay firm! You are doing what is best for your son. Being with grandma who is drinking is not in his best interest and could be potentially dangerous as you have stated already. I thank you for your strength! It gives me hope and strength too.
May God give you continued courage to love your mom but keep your boundaries intact.

Mandjas

Thanks guys

I have resiste dthe urge of replying, although I did draft 4 different replies yesterday but did not send them. The first one was crazy mad, the second one was still angry and spelt it out again to her, the 3rd less angry but a bit patronising and the 4th annoyed but still a bit patronising.

I have woken up this morning and have decided to just say

No that won't be possible. Why don't you come and watch him play soccer on Saturday morning.

I can really see the benefit of ala-non now - before she would have got an angry response very quickly.

Breathe Amanda breathe

coffeedrinker

If you can continue to state the condition of your son visiting his grandma, my opinion is that would be best. hard as it is, it's not our role to tell them what to do. but it is our job to set boundaries, which you have done. Every time she asks to see him, you can tell her that she will be able to have a relationship with him, and with you, when she gets sober. if that's too harsh, then she can see him at your home, and your home only. she comes intoxicated, then the deal's off

LeeRoy

Good for you for not blowing up. It seems that she doesn't want to "hear" what you are really saying and is manipulating her "understanding" of it to make it seem as though you offered something you did not. My mom does this often. I have found that "No. Thank you." is about all I can say that will not be twisted to suit her liking. Feel free to borrow the phrase

tromboneliness

I like the way coffeedrinker put it: just restate the conditions, like a broken record if necessary:

"Show up sober, see your grandson. No, you cannot take him to your place."

She has made a decision: booze is more important than you and your boy. She can try to spin it all she wants, to make it look as though you're "refusing" to let your son see her -- but that is not true. She just prefers the booze (because it's a disease, yada-yada, usual disclaimers apply). Hard to accept, but that's how it is.

If it helps any, I'd be pretty certain that none of her BS is fooling anyone in your family -- they know you haven't cut her out, just told her "no booze." The alkies' nonsense generally doesn't fool anyone but themselves.

T

Mandjas

The next chapter takes a turn for the better. My mom and dad came to soccer to watch my son play. She was sober and straight and it was a very enjoyable morning. The mother I know and love came out to play

After soccer I went back to her house with my son for a few hours. I took my laptop and thought I'd just do some work while she was playing with my son but to my surprise she satyed with me the whole time??? We talked and looked at some Xmas presents on the internet. It was a good morning! BUt I know I can only take it one day at a time because tomorrow may be a different story. I can only live in hope!

She hasn't asked to get Sammy from school again this week, so that leads me to believe that she gets my boundaries now.

For once a good story to share.

reverse

YAY...Good for you! I'm so excited to hear this! I hope you will have more moments with her like this..and if she opposes you...keep sticking to those boundaries.

Much love and thx for sharing!