new here...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4
new here...
Hi. I've been lurking here for a while, and have drawn strength -and inspiration from the posts I've read here.
I'm the oldest daughter of a 70+ plus AM, who up until the past several years was a functioning AM. The wheels have come off that one, and I've been struggling with this for the past several years. She acknowledges she's an alcoholic, but she doesn't want to stop drinking. So I'm trying to learn to live with the 3 C's, and recognize that this is her decision. I have the Book about Co-dependant no more, and it has changed my whole perspective on this.
So why now, tonight? I had a gut wrenching conversation with my 29 yr old son about his AGM, and he's thinking that I've written her off the planet. But mom, she's so alone, and she feels as if she's fighting this on her own. He's well intentioned - and I am very proud of him, but it's messing with my head.
When she was released from rehab in May, I told her on that afternoon that she was released that I was done with cleaning up her messes. I drew a boundary, and she's continuing to drink - so yes, she's alone.
I'm having a hard time detaching from this for my own sanity, and yet continuing to love her. I feel I'm stuck - and for someone who doesn't cry more than once or twice a year, the tears are pouring down my face again tonight.
I went to 1 alanon meeting about 3 years ago - I sobbed for about the first 45 minutes before I began my introduction, only to be informed that I was an enabler, so that's what my problem is. Truthfully, that was a complete turnoff. (I don't even live in the same town as Mom, so how can I be an enabler???)
Any words of wisdom to share - I feel like I'm about 100 years old, and about 3000 lbs heavy.
I'm the oldest daughter of a 70+ plus AM, who up until the past several years was a functioning AM. The wheels have come off that one, and I've been struggling with this for the past several years. She acknowledges she's an alcoholic, but she doesn't want to stop drinking. So I'm trying to learn to live with the 3 C's, and recognize that this is her decision. I have the Book about Co-dependant no more, and it has changed my whole perspective on this.
So why now, tonight? I had a gut wrenching conversation with my 29 yr old son about his AGM, and he's thinking that I've written her off the planet. But mom, she's so alone, and she feels as if she's fighting this on her own. He's well intentioned - and I am very proud of him, but it's messing with my head.
When she was released from rehab in May, I told her on that afternoon that she was released that I was done with cleaning up her messes. I drew a boundary, and she's continuing to drink - so yes, she's alone.
I'm having a hard time detaching from this for my own sanity, and yet continuing to love her. I feel I'm stuck - and for someone who doesn't cry more than once or twice a year, the tears are pouring down my face again tonight.
I went to 1 alanon meeting about 3 years ago - I sobbed for about the first 45 minutes before I began my introduction, only to be informed that I was an enabler, so that's what my problem is. Truthfully, that was a complete turnoff. (I don't even live in the same town as Mom, so how can I be an enabler???)
Any words of wisdom to share - I feel like I'm about 100 years old, and about 3000 lbs heavy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Usedupdaughter, and welcome to our corner of recovery 
I'm sorry your Mother is so sick from this disease. It is _so_ hard to watch somebody you love self-destruct from alcoholism.
And I'm double sorry to hear about that alanon meet. Most of them are _not_ like that. The ones I go to are very supportive. I cried my eyes out at my first meeting too, and few more meets after that.
You can certainly continue to love your Mom, and also detach at the same time. In fact, it's usually called "detachment with love".
Now that you have read "Co-dependent no more" you can pick up some more. My favs are "Paths to Recovery" and "From Survival to Recovery". You can usually find a good used copy thru Amazon. I went shopping for a therapist, and over the years found two _really_ good ones that did me a world of good.
You can also check out our "neighbors" in this other forum
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
keep on reading and posting, this whole recovery stuff is hard to grasp at first, but once you get the hang of it you'll see that it gets easier.
Welcome again
Mike
I'm sorry your Mother is so sick from this disease. It is _so_ hard to watch somebody you love self-destruct from alcoholism.
And I'm double sorry to hear about that alanon meet. Most of them are _not_ like that. The ones I go to are very supportive. I cried my eyes out at my first meeting too, and few more meets after that.
You can certainly continue to love your Mom, and also detach at the same time. In fact, it's usually called "detachment with love".
Now that you have read "Co-dependent no more" you can pick up some more. My favs are "Paths to Recovery" and "From Survival to Recovery". You can usually find a good used copy thru Amazon. I went shopping for a therapist, and over the years found two _really_ good ones that did me a world of good.
You can also check out our "neighbors" in this other forum
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
keep on reading and posting, this whole recovery stuff is hard to grasp at first, but once you get the hang of it you'll see that it gets easier.
Welcome again
Mike
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Welcome usedupdaughter to our little corner.
The detachment process is difficult but neccessary. In alcoholic families the disease works itself into everyone around the alcoholic, making them into servants of addiction. What you are feeling is the addiction talking to you and working on your weak points, not your mom.
Have you taken your son along to Alanon meetings or asked him to read some of the books you have read? Since he is a family member affected by alcoholism he would gain much from attending a meeting or two. Maybe he should go alone so as to see for himself how others have learned to deal with addiction. Both he and you might also attend an Open AA meeting and see what the recovery process looks like from the inside. I attend one periodically and it strengthens my own recovery from growing up with 2 alcoholic parents.
Read through the stickies at the top of this forum to get some more info. I have also found it helpful to read some of the stickies and forums (here and other web sites).
Take care and remember progress takes patience.
The detachment process is difficult but neccessary. In alcoholic families the disease works itself into everyone around the alcoholic, making them into servants of addiction. What you are feeling is the addiction talking to you and working on your weak points, not your mom.
Have you taken your son along to Alanon meetings or asked him to read some of the books you have read? Since he is a family member affected by alcoholism he would gain much from attending a meeting or two. Maybe he should go alone so as to see for himself how others have learned to deal with addiction. Both he and you might also attend an Open AA meeting and see what the recovery process looks like from the inside. I attend one periodically and it strengthens my own recovery from growing up with 2 alcoholic parents.
Read through the stickies at the top of this forum to get some more info. I have also found it helpful to read some of the stickies and forums (here and other web sites).
Take care and remember progress takes patience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4
Thank you for the words of encouragement and welcome. I am going to spend some time with Co-dependant no more tonight, because tomorrow I'm slated to spend some time cleaning out her house for sale. It's sold, which is a good thing, but based on comments from my sister and my son, she's not doing much of anything. So not looking forward to this.
The conversation with my son covered a lot of ground, and I related my own Alanon experience. Whether he goes or not is his own decision. I'm not sure I'm going back myself.
I've also been reading the F&F forum, so I'm also gleaning new information there.
Onto the stickies...
The conversation with my son covered a lot of ground, and I related my own Alanon experience. Whether he goes or not is his own decision. I'm not sure I'm going back myself.
I've also been reading the F&F forum, so I'm also gleaning new information there.
Onto the stickies...
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