orphaned by choice...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: my own world USA
Posts: 55
orphaned by choice...
i posted this on another thread but some members felt i could get additional support by posting here.... thanks...
I'm new to this and not sure if I'm posting this in the right spot but I am desperate for some advise or insight from others. A little background on me. I am a 35 yr old single mother of a 6 yr old boy.
I was raised by my mother as my father is an addict. My moms dad was a raging alcoholic who abused her and my grandmother in everyway.
i have an older brother and we grew up in a dont speak act like nothings wrong household. I left home at 17, moved 3000 miles away and went to college,, First one in my family to ever go to college.
It seems like I came out of my mothers stomach screaming "what the heck is going on here"... I was always silenced... called the trouble maker ect. Even as a young child my dysfunctional family seemed foreign to me.. its seemed wrong and no one was interested in fixing anything.
i got my degree in social work and came back to my family in 2000. the dysfunction was even MORE obvious now that I was educated.. I slowly slid back into the role of ingoring the obvious and keeping my mouth shut about anything and everything.. went back to Not being able to express myself at the threat of my mother that if i said anything it would be my fault.
I ended up getting pregnant and having a child soon after my move back home. his father turned out to be an addict too... AMAZING how this cycle thing works.... so I've strictly limited my sons contact with his father and his family due to EXTREME dysfunction, some abuse and dangerous living environment.
last year i had finally had it.. my brother did something that "hurt my feelings" and i wanted to let him know. i sent him an email expressing my hurt. he flipped out and called me everyname in the book.. this of course lead to many more emails of us bashing eachother.
since the day my son was born he has grown up with my niece and nephew.. they are all a year apart and have basically been raised as siblings.
Due to our fight my brother decided my son, was no longer allowed to see his cousins... My son cried everyday begging me to take him to play and i had to make stupid excuses to try and lessen the pain. my mother's response was "Well what did you expect him to do with the way you acted?" my resonse.. " I thought we would talk it out like adult and him not take out his fit on a 5 yr old boy".... My family has not spoken since. I was not allowed to tell anyone about this...per my mom... cause I would be starting drama.. after a year.. i had some ppl like my aunt and gpa asked why things were stressed.. NOthing had been said in a year.
I finally started to reach out to my father, my grandma, and an aunt about what my brother had done,,, my mother has supported,, and the pain my son has endured... at that time they all said they supported me. next thing i know they talk to my mom and now they are on her side..
ITS ALL MY FAULT FOR TEARING APART THE FAMILY... I need to appoligize and fix things.. I dont know how many times i can say I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG!! it is not a crime to express my feelingss.... well it is in my family obviously...
its been over a year and me and my son have been taken in by Wonderful friends of mine.. my son has NO biological family connections.. in a way it breaks my heart yet my Brain tells me they are toxic and I am saving him from the same drama i grew up with..,
My family would never appoligize or change there thinking...so thats not an option.. ive basically decided to move on and accept the fact that we are orphans..
What do you guys think??
I'm new to this and not sure if I'm posting this in the right spot but I am desperate for some advise or insight from others. A little background on me. I am a 35 yr old single mother of a 6 yr old boy.
I was raised by my mother as my father is an addict. My moms dad was a raging alcoholic who abused her and my grandmother in everyway.
i have an older brother and we grew up in a dont speak act like nothings wrong household. I left home at 17, moved 3000 miles away and went to college,, First one in my family to ever go to college.
It seems like I came out of my mothers stomach screaming "what the heck is going on here"... I was always silenced... called the trouble maker ect. Even as a young child my dysfunctional family seemed foreign to me.. its seemed wrong and no one was interested in fixing anything.
i got my degree in social work and came back to my family in 2000. the dysfunction was even MORE obvious now that I was educated.. I slowly slid back into the role of ingoring the obvious and keeping my mouth shut about anything and everything.. went back to Not being able to express myself at the threat of my mother that if i said anything it would be my fault.
I ended up getting pregnant and having a child soon after my move back home. his father turned out to be an addict too... AMAZING how this cycle thing works.... so I've strictly limited my sons contact with his father and his family due to EXTREME dysfunction, some abuse and dangerous living environment.
last year i had finally had it.. my brother did something that "hurt my feelings" and i wanted to let him know. i sent him an email expressing my hurt. he flipped out and called me everyname in the book.. this of course lead to many more emails of us bashing eachother.
since the day my son was born he has grown up with my niece and nephew.. they are all a year apart and have basically been raised as siblings.
Due to our fight my brother decided my son, was no longer allowed to see his cousins... My son cried everyday begging me to take him to play and i had to make stupid excuses to try and lessen the pain. my mother's response was "Well what did you expect him to do with the way you acted?" my resonse.. " I thought we would talk it out like adult and him not take out his fit on a 5 yr old boy".... My family has not spoken since. I was not allowed to tell anyone about this...per my mom... cause I would be starting drama.. after a year.. i had some ppl like my aunt and gpa asked why things were stressed.. NOthing had been said in a year.
I finally started to reach out to my father, my grandma, and an aunt about what my brother had done,,, my mother has supported,, and the pain my son has endured... at that time they all said they supported me. next thing i know they talk to my mom and now they are on her side..
ITS ALL MY FAULT FOR TEARING APART THE FAMILY... I need to appoligize and fix things.. I dont know how many times i can say I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG!! it is not a crime to express my feelingss.... well it is in my family obviously...
its been over a year and me and my son have been taken in by Wonderful friends of mine.. my son has NO biological family connections.. in a way it breaks my heart yet my Brain tells me they are toxic and I am saving him from the same drama i grew up with..,
My family would never appoligize or change there thinking...so thats not an option.. ive basically decided to move on and accept the fact that we are orphans..
What do you guys think??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi soulsurvivor! I'm glad you found us. If there were ever a group of people who understand exactly what you're going through, you'll find them right here.
I had to separate myself from my family of origin for all the same reasons. They are highly dysfunctional, don't talk to each other, tear each other apart with blame and drama, etc. etc. etc. You know the whole show. You're going through it right now. And just so you don't think it's something about you that's triggering them: I was the straight-A, never-get-in-trouble, never-raise-a-ruckus child that most parents dream of, AND I STILL GOT TREATED AS YOU ARE. In dysfunctional families, you can be a white sheep, pure as snow, and they'll still try their best to convince you you're black.
I moved far away, started screening my calls carefully, and built a new "family of choice" composed of people who truly care about me, instead of those who are supposed to love me because we have some biology in common.
It would be swell if everyone would change, sprout some courage, get compassionate, stop their chaos, and basically become the kind of person who doesn't make you insane to be in contact with.
But I finally realized that was never going to happen.
So I built a new family that means much more to me, and I am much happer and much closer with these people than I ever was with my Leave It To Beaver family. Counseling and journaling and Al-Anon helped me a lot to make that shift in perception....a shift it sounds like you're well on your way to doing as well.
I don't consider myself an orphan. I consider myself someone who discarded a family who only wanted to use me as a punching bad, and got myself a better one.
Hugs to you, to help get through this transition
I had to separate myself from my family of origin for all the same reasons. They are highly dysfunctional, don't talk to each other, tear each other apart with blame and drama, etc. etc. etc. You know the whole show. You're going through it right now. And just so you don't think it's something about you that's triggering them: I was the straight-A, never-get-in-trouble, never-raise-a-ruckus child that most parents dream of, AND I STILL GOT TREATED AS YOU ARE. In dysfunctional families, you can be a white sheep, pure as snow, and they'll still try their best to convince you you're black.
I moved far away, started screening my calls carefully, and built a new "family of choice" composed of people who truly care about me, instead of those who are supposed to love me because we have some biology in common.
It would be swell if everyone would change, sprout some courage, get compassionate, stop their chaos, and basically become the kind of person who doesn't make you insane to be in contact with.
But I finally realized that was never going to happen.
So I built a new family that means much more to me, and I am much happer and much closer with these people than I ever was with my Leave It To Beaver family. Counseling and journaling and Al-Anon helped me a lot to make that shift in perception....a shift it sounds like you're well on your way to doing as well.
I don't consider myself an orphan. I consider myself someone who discarded a family who only wanted to use me as a punching bad, and got myself a better one.
Hugs to you, to help get through this transition
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Welcome soulsurvivor, I too am glad you found us.
Your post resonated very, very strongly with me. I too grew up in an alcoholic family where denial ruled - say nothing, don't admit anything to anyone, things aren't that bad, look what a good life we have.
I too have chosen go to no contact with my family of origin (alcoholic brother and codependent mother; AF died 21 years ago) - I finally reached the point where I didn't want the chaos and drama any more; I had had enough. I am at the very early stages of my own recovery but even a month along, I am healthier than I've ever been.
I have had to learn that I am unusual in my family of origin - I don't want to and won't deny things any more. I am not going to lie, pretend, ignore, or dissociate any more in order to enable two unhealthy relationships. I want more for me than that.
When you step out of role, in your case speaking out instead of keeping your mouth shut, you are punished. In my case, my punishment was viscious triangulation (family members talking about me behind my back) and the silent treatment (well she wanted no contact, so she can have it). My family are masters at passive agressive behaviours.
"If" I want to be admitted back into my family of origin - I will have to crawl on my belly, wear sack-cloth, heap ashes on my head, self-flagellate and then maybe, just maybe they will deign to let me back in. However, as I type this, I realise I don't want to be readmitted (woohoo, progress and moving forward) because the payback will never be what I want and need; and the cost will be yet more emotional damage.
I understand what you say about "knowing" intellectually but it breaking your heart at the same time.
I recently made a post about grieving - I am grieving my losses, grieving for the mother and father I never, ever had and the family life I will never get. I am waiting for my emotions to catch up with my head and guess what, they are - slowly, slowly.
I'm glad you are moving on, there's a couple of us on here on the same journey. Keep posting, I just come on here and waffle but there's always someone who gets where I'm coming from - it's a good feeling,
IWTHxxx
Your post resonated very, very strongly with me. I too grew up in an alcoholic family where denial ruled - say nothing, don't admit anything to anyone, things aren't that bad, look what a good life we have.
I too have chosen go to no contact with my family of origin (alcoholic brother and codependent mother; AF died 21 years ago) - I finally reached the point where I didn't want the chaos and drama any more; I had had enough. I am at the very early stages of my own recovery but even a month along, I am healthier than I've ever been.
I have had to learn that I am unusual in my family of origin - I don't want to and won't deny things any more. I am not going to lie, pretend, ignore, or dissociate any more in order to enable two unhealthy relationships. I want more for me than that.
When you step out of role, in your case speaking out instead of keeping your mouth shut, you are punished. In my case, my punishment was viscious triangulation (family members talking about me behind my back) and the silent treatment (well she wanted no contact, so she can have it). My family are masters at passive agressive behaviours.
"If" I want to be admitted back into my family of origin - I will have to crawl on my belly, wear sack-cloth, heap ashes on my head, self-flagellate and then maybe, just maybe they will deign to let me back in. However, as I type this, I realise I don't want to be readmitted (woohoo, progress and moving forward) because the payback will never be what I want and need; and the cost will be yet more emotional damage.
I understand what you say about "knowing" intellectually but it breaking your heart at the same time.
I recently made a post about grieving - I am grieving my losses, grieving for the mother and father I never, ever had and the family life I will never get. I am waiting for my emotions to catch up with my head and guess what, they are - slowly, slowly.
I'm glad you are moving on, there's a couple of us on here on the same journey. Keep posting, I just come on here and waffle but there's always someone who gets where I'm coming from - it's a good feeling,
IWTHxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: my own world USA
Posts: 55
I have had to learn that I am unusual in my family of origin - I don't want to and won't deny things any more. I am not going to lie, pretend, ignore, or dissociate any more in order to enable two unhealthy relationships. I want more for me than that.
"If" I want to be admitted back into my family of origin - I will have to crawl on my belly, wear sack-cloth, heap ashes on my head, self-flagellate and then maybe, just maybe they will deign to let me back in. However, as I type this, I realise I don't want to be readmitted (woohoo, progress and moving forward) because the payback will never be what I want and need; and the cost will be yet more emotional damage
a good friend of mine is a christian counselor and when i told her this.. she said i was grieving.. going through all the stages of a death. the death of my family.,. my hope that one day things will change.. that made me sadder because if i am grieving the "death" that means its REALLY over...
thanks..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Soulsurvivor,
Look down the list of discussion threads and find the one about grieving.....there's a great post by iwanttoheal about exactly what you're going through. Grief is such an important process to heal our wounds and make us stronger and saner...
Hugs,
GL
Look down the list of discussion threads and find the one about grieving.....there's a great post by iwanttoheal about exactly what you're going through. Grief is such an important process to heal our wounds and make us stronger and saner...
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
Hi soulsurvivor and welcome~!
I'm still going through the grieving process to this day. I haven't (yet) separated myself from my family of origin, but that's only because I've been able to put them where I need them: at arm's length. If they want to start making me crazy again, then I'll have some decisions to make.
You should be proud of yourself for making these tough choices and deciding you're going to stand up for what's right and healthy. It's not an easy road, but I've found loads of peace and serenity already -- and I'm not that far down the road yet!
We are here if you need us. I've found this place to be a great source of support. I'd also suggest checking out an al-anon or nar-anon meeting. Some of us swear by the program, others not so much. I'm still on the fence, but continuing to go. It couldn't hurt to try, right?
Much love to you. xoxo. Please keep posting here.
I'm still going through the grieving process to this day. I haven't (yet) separated myself from my family of origin, but that's only because I've been able to put them where I need them: at arm's length. If they want to start making me crazy again, then I'll have some decisions to make.
You should be proud of yourself for making these tough choices and deciding you're going to stand up for what's right and healthy. It's not an easy road, but I've found loads of peace and serenity already -- and I'm not that far down the road yet!
We are here if you need us. I've found this place to be a great source of support. I'd also suggest checking out an al-anon or nar-anon meeting. Some of us swear by the program, others not so much. I'm still on the fence, but continuing to go. It couldn't hurt to try, right?
Much love to you. xoxo. Please keep posting here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by soulsurvivor 
IM finally taking my stand because NOw its affected my son.. i dont WANT to go back to that...
My taking a stand and going no contact was also related to my son - it's funny how you can endure a lot yourself but when they attack your children... well, let's just say the lioness came out in me, I found strength I didn't know I had.
My two are 17 (son) and 14 (daughter) and I have kept them at arms length from their Nana and Uncle all through their lives. They don't know the "gorey" details of my past and I am happy to keep it that way. They have grown up with no addiction in their lives; no physical, verbal and emotional violence; no neglect and deprivation; and lots & lots of love and care in their lives. Not a perfect childhood but certainly a lot of progress has been made from the one I experienced.
When I went no contact I kept it very low key, I just explained that I was being bullied by their Nana and Uncle and that I had decided to stand up for myself, put a stop to it and would no longer be seeing them. They both took the news without missing a beat - my son's words were "Good for you, Mum"; my daughter was only bothered because she might not receive any more birthday or Xmas presents (lol). It speaks volumes to me about how little they appear to be affected - also it is good that the ripple effects of my actions appear to be minimal.
Glad you're with us soulsurvivor.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: my own world USA
Posts: 55
i agree.. some ppl have criticized me for telling my son my mom and brother hurt me.. but after a year what am i suppose to say.. OH there at work today.. that line works only so long..
I'm not gonna LIe and start the dysfunction all over with him.. NO i have not told him all the details..dont know that i ever will.. but for now he understands.. they did something wrong,, they need to acknowledge it, appoligize and do things differently.. THey havent done so..sooo things are at a stand still...
we've moved on with friends,.. we dont sit at home and cry all day, everyday..
I've taught him not to let ppl treat him badly, I wouldnt want him around ppl that treat him like my family has treated me and now him..
I wouldnt let a friend or boyfriend treat me the way my family has,, yet so many say I NEED to forgive and jump back into the fire when Nothings changed..
Im done beating my head against a brick wall.. I"m movin on.. I've accepted they are not going to change and have NO desire to do so.., so. I'm making the decision to move on. ....
I'm not gonna LIe and start the dysfunction all over with him.. NO i have not told him all the details..dont know that i ever will.. but for now he understands.. they did something wrong,, they need to acknowledge it, appoligize and do things differently.. THey havent done so..sooo things are at a stand still...
we've moved on with friends,.. we dont sit at home and cry all day, everyday..
I've taught him not to let ppl treat him badly, I wouldnt want him around ppl that treat him like my family has treated me and now him..
I wouldnt let a friend or boyfriend treat me the way my family has,, yet so many say I NEED to forgive and jump back into the fire when Nothings changed..
Im done beating my head against a brick wall.. I"m movin on.. I've accepted they are not going to change and have NO desire to do so.., so. I'm making the decision to move on. ....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal
My taking a stand and going no contact was also related to my son - it's funny how you can endure a lot yourself but when they attack your children... well, let's just say the lioness came out in me, I found strength I didn't know I had.
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