Patk

Hi Everyone,

I am rereading the book " The Complete ACOA Sourcebook" by Janet G. Woititz and there is something she wrote that I cannot understand. It is the following passage:

"Since ACOAs have difficulty with boundaries, they have difficulty maintaining an appropriate and comfortable social and emotional climate with their supervisor and peers. The relationships are unclear because the ACOAs swing between trying to parent their supervisors and being enabled by their peers." (page 280)

I cannot understand what the author means by parenting supervisors and enabling peers. I am positive I have exhibited certain ACOA behavior in the workplace, and I am trying to figure out how I might have unknowingly interacted with former supervisors and coworkers in an unhealthy manner.

Thank You,


Patk

worthyoflove

I have found in jobs that my boss will ask me for ideas, opinions, and am doing their work while my colleagues start doing the administrative stuff for my job. I am actually the boss and my colleagues are my employees. Of course, this does not happen with pay!!

GiveLove

Truthfully, I don't quite get that either. I have certainly reversed their order: parented peers and enabled supervisors.

What are some of the things that have happened in the workplace for you, as a result of ACOA tendencies? That would be far more telling than what Janet Woititz has to say (love her, but it always helped me more to examine my own situations & roles, and learn from them how to do things differently in the future)


GL

discontentmiser

well,

For people in authority, I try to make sure everything works out for them and they're comfortable and listen to all their concerns, I guess it's kinda trying listening seriously to a four year old, attentive for any pleas for pity, etc.

So you act like a parent in that sense that you try to arrange everything around what you believe to be their needs (both emotional and literal job requirements) and it takes up your life babying them.

I don't know if that makes any sense. I just wrote what came to mind.

after reading the quote the first things I thought were:
"that's so true" and "I totally do that"

then I thought "but what is it actually talking about?"

so I'm not sure but I'll have to do a lot of hard thinking on it

DM

maybe I'll be back

Brazil

I'm no longer in a job with direct authority figures, but in the past it was a disaster for me. I would never want to let them down; I felt like I had no life, no room for error, and subsequently got burned out in every case. I would often assume the role of co-dependent, waiting and reacting to every whim or demand of the job (and specifically my boss). On the flip side, as is often the case with codependency, this sense of powerlessness angered me - even though it was of my own creation. I began detaching, not caring, and being self destructive in an attempt to regain control. I've quit or been fired from every good job opportunity I've ever had, because I couldn't overcome this vicious cycle. I envy those who can find a decent place of work and just live their lives comfortably within its parameters, neither allowing themselves to be devoured by it nor having to devour the job itself just to stop facing this struggle.

guiab

I can't say anything to decipher Woititz's statement. But I can say that ACOA habits don't help one relate well to supervisors OR co-workers.

I have found that I am pleasant and agreeable with supervisors but my behavoir and body language speaks a very loud passive aggressive message of 'I don't like you and I will resist you' far too often. Very much like my behavior with AF.

I have had a number of situations where the clients where thrilled with my work and the supervisor absolutely despised me. And it was not entirely the supervisor's bias - I know I pissed them off.

But I will spend hours and hours and and hours at work to finish a job so it is just right, or I have put in so many unpaid hours that I am exhausted. Wait - doesn't passive aggressive mean you resist???
:wtf2
With my co-corkers I tend to be a real people-pleaser, occasionally a doormat, except for the male who exhibits the closest resemblance to my AF. With him (and in one case her) I become very passive aggressive yet again. And with anyone there is the stream of resentments and anxiety of what they are saying or thinking, or might think, or may perchance to think.

(I recently back-traced to Step 1&2, and can state with certainty that I am powerless over Effects of Alchohol, but the good example of my alanon group and the ACOA gang at SR can restore me to sanity.)
Sooooo..... what I am saying is that ACOA habits do us harm in the workplace, but the actual damaging behaviors vary.

Patk

Hi Grewupinabarn and GiveLove,

Thanks for your replies. Grewupinabarn, I can really relate to the passive aggressive thing. GiveLove, to answer your question about was my behavior at work, well I would say it was similar to how Grewupinabarn described his/her relationship with the boss. I always thought I was terribly respectful with my immediate superviosr, always trying to be the consummate team player and not complaining. However, I end of resenting these people along with colleagues later for 'taking advantage of me.' I have been told by any people that I am passive aggressive. I am not sure if this is true, but I do know for certain I am scared and intimidated by angry people, and even more terrified of my own anger. As a teacher I am always worried I will lose my composure in the class, and just have all my pent up emotions/anger/frustration errupt. Maybe this is why I have had a history of anxiety and panic attacks in class.

I find it very very difficult if not impossible to be assertive. When I do not act assertively with supervisors or coworkers, I end up harboring a grudge and nursing a resentment for far too long. Often the way I deal with an colleague who has treated me badly, or so I believe, I give them the silent treatment.

I have read a lot of books about assertiveness and communication skills. For example, I have read that when you want to discuss a problem with someone to avoid "You" statements, but instead use "I feel" so as to be less threatening and accusatory. I tried this with my former supervisor at the job I got fired from two years ago. I was blamed for something that was not my fault, so I went to see her to discuss the matter. I said, ' Joan I am not very happy about what happened...I feel...." She did not take this well. She immediately comes back saying "well were not too hapy either..." and before you know it, I am on the defensive backpedalling.