03fifteen

(this is from my journal today)

All the things that are going on. And theres no one to talk to. There may be a lot of people on my friends list on IM but no one there to talk to. Seriously, This week. Mom has been in here every morning every day talking to me about something or other. You need more people to rely on. I do too. But stop dumping it on me. And dad. Get your act together! You're the father! You're the head of the house! Mom, you're my mom, you're supposed to help me!

its so aggravating! I want to tell her to talk to someone else. Shut up! I need my own time alone! (i'm afraid if i tell her to talk to someone else she wont talk to anyone)Yes i can't close my door cause of all the junk in front of it. (dad's junk) But that doesn't mean you can just come in! Seriously!

I haven't eaten yet. The house is a mess from last night. (the mouse problem). I have to make sure i have everything to go camping cause I'm leaving tonight. I still have to do my bible study. I have to shower. My bed isn't comfy. I haven't been sleeping well lately cause i haven't been breathing well. ARGH!!!!!!


I know it isn't healthy but i feel like hurting myself. I can't handle mom and dad's problems and my own! I worry about everybody and everything. And i can't stand it. I haven't hurt myself yet. Nor do I plan to. I need to find a good way to get rid of these feelings. I'm angry and upset and I just want to get out of here. I wish i were leaving now. (i've decided to take a walk)

~03fifteen

03fifteen

A friend of mine who read this got really concerned that i felt like hurting myself (i haven't). But it's still a concern. (it's all stuff from back in the day. i haven't talked about it yet).

takincareome

It's so hard when your parents dump their problems on you. You feel like you have enough to deal with, without their grown-up issues too. My mother's done that to me my whole life. I'm so sorry.

Taking a walk is good. Getting out of the house and going camping is good. Maybe meditation can help you escape when you can't physically leave, or help center yourself. Please don't hurt yourself. That's not the answer.

Remember that the ONLY person you are responsible for taking care of is YOU. And then do it. Take care of you. Do something nice for yourself.

Sending you big hugs and love.

Iwanttoheal

Sending you (((hugs))) and best wishes.

Is there anyone you could talk to about this, maybe a school teacher?

I remember thinking as a teenager that I could never talk to anyone about what was happening in my life, never mind an adult. But you know, some of us adults are ok when you get to know us.

Please take care of yourself.

03fifteen

Thanks Iwanttoheal. I'm trying to find people to talk to. Its tough also cause i've always been stuck in my own head I dont really talk that much in the first place.

leelee5675

When I was 17, I caught my father at our house with another woman when my mother had taken a trip out of town. He cried to me and begged me not to tell my mother. So I didn't. Then he broke down a couple of weeks later and told her. She came to me and chastised me for not telling her as soon as she got back from out of town. She told me I was supposed to be her friend and she couldn't believe I had betrayed her like that!

I remember thinking, "I'm 17!! I'm your daughter...not your friend. You're supposed to be guiding me into my adult life...not leaning on me. So I know how you feel.

I know it's not the same as having someone face-to-face, but you always have the people here to talk to. You don't always get an immediate response like you would if there were someone sitting right there to talk to. But PLEASE, if you feel like hurting yourself and you have nowhere else to turn, come here and let it out. It will help.

I don't think I have missed a single post of yours and what I see is a strong and wise person, especially for your years, who is being pushed to the limit alot. I don't at all see a person who deserves to be hurt physically. You are hurting enough emotionally, don't take it physical, too.

Hang in there and read all the responses to your posts, if you can. Sooner or later you will find a solution to your situation that will work for you.

Thoughts, prayers, hugs, and caring. Stay in touch.

03fifteen

Thank you Leelee. More and more I see how my parents are both codependent. And it aggravates me. Cause I know I can't really do anything about what then do and how they act. My sister is really getting on my nerves right now. My whole family. Ugh. It's very.... hard to be here.

Mom even said how he manpulates things so that they aren't his fault or things like that. Like today. This evening in fact. We were supposed to go to work. And i just so wanted to be home after a weekend of camping and a day of hiking (and there not my jobs anyway) and my sister is all angry about how I dont want to go and then my dad says "well i dont want to force anybody if they dont want to." and then when we get home and they're leaving I said i'm sorry, and dad's like "im sorry too." in a way like "i'm hurt that you dont want to work with me." like its my fault that you dont have yoru work done and you've had like all weekend to do so even an extra day. Ugh! >.<

But this weekend camping has helped me figure out some things in myself. Like I realized while I may be (as some say) "wiser than my years" I also know I'm very immature in other aspects of my life. I don't know the boundaries of certain situations. I don't know how to act in certain situations.

leelee5675

"But this weekend camping has helped me figure out some things in myself. Like I realized while I may be (as some say) "wiser than my years" I also know I'm very immature in other aspects of my life. I don't know the boundaries of certain situations. I don't know how to act in certain situations. "

And that's exactly what you can learn here...how to set boundaries for yourself and how to react in certain situations that will be comfortable for you.

You are young in relation to a lot of us here. You realize that things are not right for you and you're reaching out and seeking answers and solutions. That's what I admire about you.

Stay with us. We really do care.

03fifteen

I'm glad you do care.
I'm realizing more and more how this place, this environment is just so toxic for me. It's not the best place for me to be. I got my book in the mail today "The new Codependency". I can't wait to start reading it. It'll help me. And all of you i'm sure will help me too.