Mom of 2 little ones and Wife of a alcoholic - Need advice.

Old 08-07-2009, 06:47 AM
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Mom of 2 little ones and Wife of a alcoholic - Need advice.

Hello, I have been married for almost 7 years and have to young children (14months old and a 3 1/2 year old). My husband is in his terms a "funcitional alcoholic". He isn't abusive physically. I don't know if I can say if he is or isn't mentally. For the past 7 years his problem with drinking has progressed. He went from drinking a few nights a week 4-6 beers to know drinking 7 days a week 8-12 beers.
I started going to counsleing on my own to try and become healthy. I have made great improvement, but at this poing I am at a standstill. I am at the point where I have to make the descison to either tell him he has to choose, it's either his drinking or me and the kids. What really pushed me to this point is my concern for the impact it is making on the children. They see him drink every night. They are going to grow up thinking it is the norm. JUST AS MY HUSBAND DID...HIS DAD DRINKS EVERY NIGHT TOO!
Our typical day is he comes home from work, helps with dinner, and kids, while already drinking a beer (he usually starts drinking as soon as he gets home). Once dinner is over he sits down in his recliner drinks and watches TV until he either goes to bed or passes out in his recliner. He usually falls asleep with a beer in his hand that I have to take so he doesn't spill it. There are other times he goes straight to the neighbors drinks a few with them and then comes home and does the same routine of drinking in the recliner, or he might go to the bar for a few (going to the bar isn't as common). He seems to prefer to drink at home.
I've approached him about his drinking several times and his response is "deal with it or leave me"
He also thinks that since he is "funcitonal" meaning: he gets up, goes to work, has a house, and takes care of the "basics" he is fine. He says his dad does the same thing and he has a good job, nice house, boat...So he says it isn't that big of a deal.

I feel diferently.
I guess why I am tyeping this is I really need to have someones imput that is going through or has went through a similar situatiion. I have talked to my counsler and girlfriends about it, but it's hard for them to understand because they are not in the situation. One of my best friends reccommend I joing a support group online...so this is what I am trying.

Anyone out there have info or advice? I'd really apprecite it.
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Old 08-11-2009, 07:40 PM
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Honestly, you are the person who knows him best.

I come from both sides of the fence. As a child who'd dad's alcoholism "wasn't that bad" and was damaged. Although, my dad's drinking wasn't what damaged me, his immaturity did. The fact that not only was I placed in unrealistic roles due to his alcoholism, but that he didn't recognize it. For him, it made sense for his 8 year old kid to be telling him common sense. Because even then, I could see it clearly.

I also fell in love with a man who drinks more than the "norm." From the culture we come from, it's not that outside of the box, but I made him wait 6 years still. And no kids yet because I'm not sure. Honestly, for me, having kids would mean only occasional alcohol use - but those are my fears - and knowing that my husband shares/understands my values (while being invalidating as you can see from my other post(s)).

Even if I did have a child know, my husband is 100% more mature than my dad ever will be. He's 21 (as I say) to my dad's 12. My husband puts children first, even when they obviously aren't his. He is the #1 babysitter amongst my friends.
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Old 08-12-2009, 01:07 AM
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CAAW,

You have to do what you feel is right for the children. Personally, I would have been a lot happier (and less depressed) growing up if my father had left my alcoholic mother (She was completely functional just like your husband by the way).

Personally, my mother's addiction to alcohol has actually turned me off from drinking (too afraid to follow the same path) though I have developed my own coping mechanism (overeating)

Also, if you do decide to stay with him, make sure that you are ALWAYS there for your kids. No matter what.
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Old 09-05-2009, 10:08 PM
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SIMILAR situation

We have been married 5 and a half years, together 10. Our 2 kids are 21 months and 3 1/2. I am also at my breaking point. My husband doesn't drink daily. Instead it's Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Sometimes Monday, and any other day he can find a good excuse for. it is usually close to an 18 pack per night. My husband prefers to drink at home and also considers himself functional.
I share the same concerns with my kids. They see him doing this all the time. It is not ok with me either. He has been being more verbally aggressive lately and tonight, he started to yell at me in front of the kids. I feel bad for them as I am sure they are portraying it as their fault. I am not sure what to tell them as they get older.
I saw a counselor about 18 months ago. I keep thinking I need to go back. My most recent outlet has been to start writing in a journal. I don't write in it everyday, but at least 3 days per week. I think it is helping a little. I have also been trying to detach my emotions from it more (not working well at all); and trying harder to focus on my kids. If you find anything that helps, let me know.
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Old 09-06-2009, 05:38 AM
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I am hoping that one or more of the mods will come along and reply to this post in the wonderful way that they have with words.

I am going to answer this as an ACAO. Please forgive my clumsiness and any roughness in my words, I am not attacking you.

You are right to feel these concerns for your children. Please, please listen to yourselves. Never underestimate the damage that living in an alcoholic home can do to children. It is the behaviour of the alcoholic and the behaviour of the person who lives with the alcoholic that does the damage. It is a 50:50 responsibility. You have responsibility towards your children, please accept that responsibility.

I am 44 years old, I lived in an alcoholic home until I was 18, I was damaged, badly damaged. It has taken me 44 years to recognise this and to start on my own journey of recovery.

I feel sad because I know you may find this painful to read but it is the truth.

Please take care of your children.
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Old 09-06-2009, 06:58 AM
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You described my father to a T, only he drinks bourbon instead of beer. But the drink of choice doesn't matter.

My father started out this way, but as his addiction grew worse (and it does) he lost jobs over his drinking and got a DWI.

Alcoholism in a home will damage your family relationship and it will damage your children. I know you love them and you will do whatever you can to protect them, even being both mother and father if you can, but no matter what you do this will affect your children. I'm sorry to have to tell you that but I'm an ACOA too.

I think seeing a counselor is a good idea. I would also suggest that you start attending al-anon meetings. People here have varying degrees of endorsement for the program but at this point it honestly can't hurt. When your children are old enough, they can attend ala-Teen as well.

Whether or not you should leave your husband is a decision only you can make, and I would never presume to tell you to end your marriage. I know plenty of people in al-anon who have stayed with their alcoholic/addict spouses and just learned to take care of themselves and their children as best they can. Speaking from experience, I might have been happier if my mother had left my AF when I was growing up, but my mother is so needy and codependent anyway, I might not have.

I would like to encourage you to learn all you can about this disease so you can make an informed decision on what's best for you and the kids. I'd also encourage you to keep posting here, and to make TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF a priority.

Sending you good wishes and hugs.
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Old 09-06-2009, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by takincareome View Post

I might have been happier if my mother had left my AF when I was growing up, but my mother is so needy and codependent anyway, I might not have.

Thankyou takincareome. I'm going to take that comment and obsess (tee hee) on it for a while.
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Old 09-06-2009, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by CAAW View Post
He also thinks that since he is "funcitonal" meaning: he gets up, goes to work, has a house, and takes care of the "basics" he is fine. He says his dad does the same thing and he has a good job, nice house, boat...So he says it isn't that big of a deal.
I'm also going to speak as an ACOA. That reminds me of my AF - didn't listen to what you had to say either. His feelings had the highest priority in the house. He figured if he was happy, then everyone else should be happy. If not, it was your problem.

Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal
Never underestimate the damage that living in an alcoholic home can do to children. It is the behaviour of the alcoholic and the behaviour of the person who lives with the alcoholic that does the damage. It is a 50:50 responsibility. You have responsibility towards your children, please accept that responsibility.
Seconding this. I say this as an ACoA who no longer talks to her AF and is considering going no-contact with her codie mother (currently we speak twice a month on the phone). What's the point? His behavior doesn't change. Neither does hers. She still complains about living with him, and then makes excuses for staying. Since she doesn't do anything to change it, I can only presume this is the life she's happy with. I am considering cutting her from my life for a while because it's too pointless for me to feel how hard my heart gets when I talk to her, and am reminded of how much more important it is to her to have my father in her life instead of me (god forbid she make the effort to spend any time with me, because she's too "afraid" to say to AF, I want to visit dothi today). That's just my two cents.

It's not only your relationship with your husband on the line here. Your children will grow up.
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