Denial or overacting imagination?

Old 08-04-2009, 12:53 PM
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Unhappy Denial or overacting imagination?

I am quite confused,

I'm used to repressing my negative emotions while beating my self up over negative thinking
and my brain is like a kingdom of interactive babushka dolls in a "fun house" mirrored maze

I don't have the luxury (does anyone? or is it a curse?) of being aware of an event/action of abuse

yeah, I have issues, but am uncertain of where my AF's involvement/intentions get mixed up with my fears/ not asserting boundries

one of my main character defects is that I can argues and figure out a way for any situation to be completely my fault.
(This hit me when I was trying to explain to my mom that the weather that day proved I was a "bad" person. needless to say, I can get far-fetched)

My default setting is that I'm not ____ enough (good, hardworking,etc.)
and I'm an extremely moral & judgemental person when it comes to myself.

anyway, my AF is gone on vacation and all this terror and revulsion of him is coming up
even though I was always the one to go to him when I was upset/needed help/ for comfort. like a sick 5 year old I'd go to his bedroom when I couldn't sleep or had a nightmare

Having an AF as a sole support and main influence,
who's also an ACOA and, well,

admits to liking and being attracted to my body, always wants hugs, I am unable to say no since I have always took his word as law and now I'm so terrified, but don't want to go to a social worker or anything since I don't wanna go to a group home and nothing actually happened, right?

does this sound familiar to any of you?
I have less than 2 weeks 'till I see him again and the dynamics will be twisted and
do any of you know anything I can do?!?

a plea for help
(and, to be honest, some "oh honeys" and "poor you"'s)
(and "help" as in your experience and advice, not like the time my sister entered a fictional story for a writing contest and someone called Children's Aid to investigate my family.)
discontentmiser is offline  
Old 08-04-2009, 03:46 PM
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While I can't specifically help you or tell you what to do when it comes to your dad, I can tell you from personal experience that I fully relate to the way you feel about yourself.
I've always had this strange tendency to compare myself to everyone in such a way that I always come to the conclusion that I'm inferior. I've always told myself that whatever bad things come my way is my fault because, just like you, I thought I wasn't good enough. BUT THAT ISN'T TRUE!!! I've learned that, however corny and spacey it sounds, we all have our own qualities. And just because you might not be the best-looking of all doesn't mean you're ugly. Just because you might not get the best grades doesn't mean you're dumb. It is your task to find the things you excel at. And I know how hard it is, I've only started looking for my good qualities less than a year ago. I found that I'm friendly and accommodating. I've even found out I'm a pretty good driver; you also have to praise yourself sometimes for the little things that may seem insignificant and give yourself a break! Ask your friends for their opinion!

Oh and the giving yourself a break part... I know how that sounds. My friends told me this many times and I always said to myself: how can I when I keep messing stuff up? But you will start seeing the good in yourself if you really want to. I've even turned from a tried and true pessimist to a slightly(!) optimistic person.

I hope that this helps..
All the best!
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Old 08-05-2009, 09:12 PM
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I'm assuming that you are still in school and at home from your post. I'd start advocating now for therapy if you aren't in it already to address your self-esteem issues.

I recognize the fear of being put in a home, yet hear you say how uncomfortable your dad's comments/actions make you. While my AF was blatantly inappropriate, making comments about my weight, etc (when I wasn't overweight, just not perfect amongst many other things) he never made me feel uncomfortable sexually - just as a person (*insert sarcastic smile*). If it is possible I'd set a firm line with your AF. Let him know how he is making you feel. I'm not saying it will fix it, but go from there if it doesn't. And no hugs if you aren't comfortable! Remind him of the rights that you have and the consequences that he could face, even if you have to hint at it. I'm not sure how much longer you have to go...

As a victim of sexual abuse though (not from my AF), if you think your dad is capable of it or has attempted it, please don't hide it. From personal experience (refusing to talk about my abuse) I know of at least three other people who were victims after me. I still struggle with that guilt.
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