shanela

My father was an alcoholic.He was in denial,never accepted that he had a drinking problem,and I doubt that it ever crossed his mind that other people suffered from his actions as well. I never knew that I had all the symptoms of a child of an alcoholic,all I knew was I was sad and depressed all the time,and I felt I couldn’t trust anyone,and I couldn’t depend on anyone.As a child I grew up with the feeling of being abandoned, as I watched my father choose alcohol over me each day,I couldn’t turn to my mother coz I was angry,confused for her decision not to try to help my father,not loving him enough,not being there for him instead choosing to leave him to drown in his own sorrows,therefore causing a rift between me n my mother.Her failure to recognize my bottled up emotions and the pain behind my silence ,angered me.Besides, she was immersed in her own issues. Yes I had food on the table,a roof on top of my head,I went to school,got an education,but I didn’t have soul to turn to.I grew up feeling insecure,I didn’t believe in myself,as I didn’t have people believing in me and I never allowed to get myself to get too close to anyone.Fear of abandonment crippled my ability to love freely.
Over the years,time did heal some wounds,.I have friends,I love them,but sometimes I still find this voice in me saying that they will leave too, thus leaving me with the feeling that I could only depend on my self.I still find the child in me yearning for her father’s love,seeking for him to recognize her existence,her pain,even after 9 years since his death.

dothi

Hey shanela, welcome to SR! And thank you for sharing your story. Your story is very similar to mine (alcoholic father and emotionally unavailable mom). I also grew up feeling very isolated from people, and spent many years not understanding why I felt SO depressed ALL THE TIME. A huge lightbulb when off in my head when I found information on ACOAs. It was finally a real start to learning that my life didn't have to be full of this depression and frustration anymore.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? Try reading through some other people's posts here. Many of these stories share common themes, and reading how other people dealt with their situation has often been the best insight for me in figuring out how to move forward, out of the chaos of all the negative feelings I had at home. It's also helped me figure out how to reconcile how my father could behave the way he did - and hurt me in that unusual way alcoholics do - and yet NOT recognize or understand that he was even hurting me to begin with.

Honestly, reading has helped me tremendously with processing these heavy feelings - including the part of me that wishes deep down my dad would call, say that he's sorry, and just be my dad and recognize and love me for who I am. If you have time, see if you can find any of these books at your local library. In the meantime, welcome again! And please feel free to post more about your story. It would be great to know what prompted your post to begin with

The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love by Janet Woititz and Robert Ackerman.
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward and Craig Buck

Wascally Wabbit

Hi,
I grew up with an alcoholic mother. My father died when I was 13. It was a nightmare.
I am learning to have peace about myself, and my life. You can too.
Keep posting. I love this place. It has helped me grow. The people here are fantastic and caring.

discontentmiser

you're not alone

Up untill last summer my mom was absent from my life
she commuted, was only home some weekends and enjoyed getting away from the noise, the mess, my dad

she's not the alcoholic, so I had to go to him forever for help.

now I feel alone a lot, but ACOA alanon meetings help

I'm still terrified of abandonnment, that I'm not important/good/whatever enough for people to stay

keep coming back

-hugs to all

kudzujean

Welcome. You told my story. My father died ages ago. My mother was emotionally unavailable.

I'm still so fearful of abandonment I usually abandon others before they can abandon me.