Trying.

I was walking along a busy shopping area yesterday. Along comes one of those people that are trying to interest, sell, beg or borrow from you and I just smiled and nodded no and continued on my way. I don't think I even missed a beat as I done this.

As I carried on walking, I heard the person who had try to "get" something from me, continue to try and "Get" something from me I suppose by turning to another one of this "Street muggers" and say in a loud voice, no doubt for my delicious benefit, "Have you noticed how no one even looks at you". At first I felt that old familiar rage well up inside of me, and I wanted so bad to turn and say something, but instead told myself I would be "playing" into her shame/guilt/feelings of rejection and just walked on. Yes within seconds I felt better for having found my own center and not allow someone Else's bad day to effect mine. But its hard, its something that I'm not used to, being responsible for how I react to someone. Growing up we were like a sack of potato's given Min's to evacuate the sack or risk being roasted, so we'd all fight to survive, so I'd never learnt how to take my time, weight options up. I guess what I felt yesterday was the realization that there are so many people out there that are just like I was and can be sometimes if I'm not alert, wanting to push peoples buttons so you can get rid of your unwanted feelings...I was hoping there was a magic button I could push for myself that would make me better in an instant, but practice and awareness everyday seem to be the only REAL tools we have.

PS, just for fun I may go back and walk past these 2 women again today LOL!!!!

DesertEyes

Hi there, Trying

Sounds to me like you are doing some awesome growth in your recovery.

I used to feel much the same way you described, and yes it still takes practice and awereness to keep my emotions "centered". Thank goodness for recovery, or I would never have gotten myself out of my "emotional pit".

Thanx for sharing your good day, and your example of how to grow in recovery

Mike

Wascally Wabbit

Good job. You have found your way to the peaceful path.
One important thing I learned is NEVER to make EYE CONTACT with anyone you do not want to have conversation with.
Don't look at them. Put on an ipod (or at least just the ear plugs, lol) and walk on by.

Trying.

I lately seem to be very aware of the urge inside I have to push peoples buttons. I do see a therapist and find myself feeling intense inner rage when I can't get the reaction I want from her. Yet when I ask myself why would I want her to react the way I am feeling I want her too, I can't find the answer. Its like her calmness at times makes me even more aware of my own anxiety and it becomes like an itch that I need to scratch, by pushing someone elses buttons, by getting them to I guess act out my own inner confusion. But why?? It makes no sense. Its like I don't know how to soothe myself in any other way but by being able to pass my anxiety over to someone else then walking away with that BS superior feeling of having remained calm why I annoyed someone else. Or something like that. Its like being addict to chaos, unyet who would want ot be???

GingerM

You ask a very good question Trying. Have you considered telling this to your counselor/therapist?

What you describe is a great example of what I used to call "I do things that I don't like in myself, but I don't know why and I can't seem to stop". The therapist is there to help you sort through the why. Once you know the why, you will be able to work through the stopping behaviors.

dothi

If you grew up in an environment with unpredictable (possibly angry and explosive, or even just irritable) people around you all the time, it's no surprise you might feel uncomfortable around someone who doesn't need to be pushing/controlling/competing with/belittling you all the time. If this is how you're used to people expressing themselves, well, that's what therapy is for: to re-define a healthy new normal that works for you.

Think of this response as an old ACoA tool you were taught as a child and are used to using for everything (probably as you saw your role models using). Therapy is all about developing new tools to add to your toolbox, so you're not using that same old one anymore. It doesn't work so well in adult life anyway

It sounds to me like you're doing really well. Self-awareness of the behaviors (i.e. old tools) that are holding you back as an adult is a HUGE step!