boiler24

Hello guys, I am new here but I am sort of depressed and bewildered and I could really use some friendly ears who are familiar with the kinds of issues I am facing.

I got married about ten months ago to a man I had been dating for about five years. We met early in our college careers and he is finishing up his graduate degree. I graduated last spring and am working in that area.

I knew from the start, or at least early on, that his dad was a semi-recovering alcoholic (i.e. sometimes he does somewhat better for a short or long time but then it just all drops again. Also he is bipolar. And creepy.).

So, I guess you can say I should have realized that this affected my husband, but I thought I did realize. But he had been in counseling and he was (and still is) nothing like his father, so, while I knew there would be problems I thought we could work through them.

Our relationship definitely had its storms but we weathered them and I felt we came out of them stronger and I was thrilled to be getting married. I am definitely a romantic and an idealist and no, I didn't think things would be perfect in that we would never fight but I did feel that there were some absolutes I could trust in--that he would never hurt me intentionally, that I could always count on his love for me.


However, over the course of events in the past few months, I have come to realize how much he only mimicked normal human emotions and didn't actually feel them. That, for example, it doesn't hurt him to hurt me (I mean emotionally I am not talking about physical abuse). He regrets my pain but it doesn't really get to him at all so if something he really wants to have or do would really hurt me he does it anyway and then explains how "logical" it was.

I didn't want to believe the obvious explanation... that when he said "I love you" he didn't mean the same thing I do, and I definitely didn't want to believe that hurting to me would almost not matter at all to him, but after recent events drove me to something of a breakdown he has (with great reluctance) actually started talking to me about some things and he has admitted as much... that he is unable to empathize with me, that he can't take me seriously when I'm upset about anything because everything is so "trivial" compared to what he has seen growing up, and that it doesn't really bother him to see me in pain or hurt me himself (preferentially he wouldn't but that is what it is... like not wanting to eat the chocolates with coconut in the middle).

We are seeing a counselor together and maybe that will help but I guess this has all just been a huge unpleasant eye opener for me. I never ever truly expected this and honestly I can't even really bring myself to think about it clearly. I mean... my husband, my newlywed husband doesn't really love me or care about me in anything close to the way that I thought that he did.

And I still love him so much, even as he is hurting me. I have been reading a little about children of alcoholics and he definitely fits into the "Family Hero" category, always trying to take care of his brother and mom, very smart and responsible, always gets good grades and tries to do the right thing.

I don't know... Any words of wisdom? Encouragement? Books I should read that will maybe help me understand? If not, thank you at least for reading this. I know it is a little disconnected but I really don't know who to talk to.

Wascally Wabbit

Getting through that first year of marriage is a real challenge. You seem to be going through some pretty heavy stuff right off the bat.
Do continue counseling.
Do not lose your self esteem. Alcoholism is the greatest threat to the self esteem of the victims.
Be prepared for a very rocky road. Prepare yourself by attending alanon meetings asap.
They keep you centered, help you cope, and if you work it, you will stay strong and find peace through any trial.
Others will be along to offer their thoughts.
Keep coming back and posting. It's so helpful.

GiveLove

Boiler, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending you a hug to start out:

I don't know of much that's worse than finding out someone doesn't love us the way we were SURE they did.

In terms of being an adult child of alcoholics, I too was the family hero for much of my life. But being a female - or maybe just being naturally empathetic - I would never consider the possibility that "I've been through so much worse that I can't take you seriously."

And it is possible that this has nothing to do with being ACOA. It is possible that your husband is just like this. There are certain personality types (do you know about things like the Myers-Briggs type indicator, or the Enneagram, or any of those systems?) that simply don't have the empathy that others do. There is nothing "wrong" with them, but they are a very poor fit for anyone who desires intimacy, trust, and support "in sickness and in health." My husband's father is like that -- he just has no way to deal with the difficult side of feelings, and doesn't see the need to learn. He's not a bad man. He's just not drawn that way.

I too would encourage you to keep exploring this with a counselor. It is the only way you'll be able to tell whether you're in a situation that might be fixed through specific practices, or in a situation that will be an unfulfilling uphill struggle for the rest of your life.

Either way, know that you are always welcome here. We understand adult children of damaged families, and can offer insights on that part of the equation at least...

Please take care of yourself. This is still your life, regardless of what your husband is/isn't capable of feeling, regardless of the choices he makes. It can be a joyous time no matter what happens.

Marigolds

Hi boiler, no advice, I'm still learning so much about all this stuff. My H's father was also an alcoholic. It is all so confusing.