NOLAGirl

My mom is terminal. She is dying from advanced liver failure. She entered the hospital on March 3rd and stayed most of the month, almost slipping into a coma twice. For awhile it was very touch and go, with no promises she would survive. She was finally released the end of March. She was sober for at least a month to a month and a half while her health was still tentative. My mom made all types of claims and promises revolving around her being a "changed" person, that this was a " new beginning" in which alcohol would no longer be part of her life. She even went as far as to tell my sister and I that she was going to remain sober so as to live for us with what time she had left.

The last month we have been suspecting that she relapsed and sure enough today she admitted she has been drinking since the middle of April. Tonight she was drunk enough to be slurring and threatening to stop her medication that is regulating the ammonia levels in her body.

If my mom continues to drink she is going to lose (and we are going to lose) whatever time she had left to spend with us. Now, I know I want to do something and feel I have to do something, but what that something is I can't seem to decide. I would like to stage an intervention, but at this point I realize she hit rock-bottom a long time ago, with no change. I don't think we have anything to leverage over her in an intervention - In the past I decided to let her go from my life while she continued to drink; it did not seem to phase her one bit. Even my sister thinks that if both of us were to cut her from our life if she did not seek rehab, in the end it would be detrimental to us because we have such little time with her as it is. My mom knows she is terminal and really sees no point in becoming sober if she is already dying.

I am really lost.

CarolD

I'm so sorry to know this is happening to your Mom
your sister and yourself. Prayers for comfort going out.

When my Mother was diagnosed with cancer
she decided to not go thru treatment that offered very
little hope for success. My brother and I did not
argue with her decision. She called the local Hospice
for information and assistance. They were marvelous....
and she was not ever in pain....her biggest fear.

During her final month...she did move into my brothers home
His wife is an LPN...my daughter an RN and I am a CNA.
We took turns watching over Mom's death.
Mostly we talked about good times ...kept her comfortable
finaly my brother and I sat with her telling her she
had done all she needed to do here....and it was ok
to leave us. She died 2 days later...with dignity and peace.

Sooo....that is my experience with losing a Mom.
It's a very difficult time but a part of life.

I suggest you ask Hospitce for help.

Blessings to all of you....

dothi

Hate to repeat the mantra, but it's the most reliable truth you have: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NOLAGirl

Now, I know I want to do something and feel I have to do something, but what that something is I can't seem to decide.

Fix, right? Any chance it's that good ol' ACoA compulsion to fix? Stage an intervention? Secure a sober moment with your mom and a chance for hope - for love, forgiveness, and closure - in what little time that is left? To repeat another ol' mantra: past behavior is often the best indicator of future behavior. You've seen her behavior so far; what can you possibly do to change any of it at this point?

NOLAGirl, you don't have to do anything right now. Just be. Be upset. Be hopeful. Be bitter. Be heartbroken. Be enraged. Be devastated. Grieve. Just be.

That, and (just like any other time in dealing with an A-parent in your life) take care of yourself during these tough days. Call on friends. Journal. Make plenty time for yourself to process what you're going through right now, and be patient with however you deal with this. Start googling the stages of grief. Prepare yourself for what is going to be a difficult journey. Take care of you because you are the only thing you can control right now... same as before.

I hear your pain, I really do. Just a few years ago my AF was diagnosed with lung cancer, after 40+ years of smoking. He made all the terrible heart-wrenching promises that I hear your mom making now (he was going to quit smoking, a new man, going to start looking after himself, that if he came out of this he would not take the time he had left here on earth for granted ever again, etc.). As a child I remember crying to him to quit smoking because I didn't want him to die. To see him today, back to smoking a pack+ per day is maddening. And nevermind how, although his body doesn't take it as well anymore, he jumps at any opportunity to still drink his brains out. I see your shoes coming for me in the future sometime. If the cancer doesn't do it, drinking-related health complications will. It's a matter of time; it always has been.

If you're anything like me, you've already spent a long time grieving the relationship you deserved with your A-parent but never had. But for you, years of paranoia/fear/anger/loneliness/love/grief are mounting on you now. It's a tremendous load, so don't underestimate how much support and self-care you need these days. Continue to take care of yourself, and still honor your mother by doing good by you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NOLAGirl

Even my sister thinks that if both of us were to cut her from our life if she did not seek rehab, in the end it would be detrimental to us because we have such little time with her as it is.

Just remember that even if you give her 100% love/support/forgiveness, engaging with your mom can still be detrimental to you now. I'm not saying you have to cut her out of your life. Just take care to make sure that YOU are also taken care of during these times.

CarolD

BTW.....
My brother and I are AA members...my daughter is in both AA & NA
my SIL and Mom ..never drank.

My brothers concern was that Mom would be addicted to the
ever increaseing strengh of her pain meds.

The rest of us did not worry over this....
as long as she was comfortable...without pain
who the heck cared about addiction at that point?

guiab

NOLAGirl, you have my prayers and sympathy.
Dothi described the situation well: You cannot control your mother's actions, yet you can control your actions and reactions.
While the rest of the world (TV, movies, news) would have us believe that we can force a change, the bitter truth of experience tells us that the A's fate is in their hands.
And all humans deserve the dignity, odd as it may sound with an A, to be allowed to decide, and drink, their own fate.

My AM knew that her drinking-induced diabetes was causing random blackouts, but she kept drinking and got into a car anyway and died after hitting a tree. I felt the same horrible feelings as you are going through, except it was all in guilt-drenched hindsight. I should have done this or that - definitely not 20/20 hindsight, more like 20/2000.

Carol's experience with her mother's cancer, and my experience with my brother's cancer, are applicable. We can't control a terminal cancer or the alcoholic. We can show love and respect. We are not responsible for the disease. Only a higher power can deliver a cure, if any, but it is better to prepare oneself for the likely outcome. As much as I felt it was incredibly unfair that a healthy 48-year old man with a wife and 2 children succumb to a rare cancer, in the last months I had really accepted that I only had a little more time to see my brother alive.

Grieving is not really about the loved one, it is a process where we take care of our own emotions.
When I took care of my brother's yard, I felt I was nurturing my self with weeding and planting as much as I was just helping him out.

Everything you have read about in this forum regarding detachment and love for an A and caring for oneself applies as much now as any other time. Love must not come at the expense of one's own sanity.
Take care.

tromboneliness

Intervention, done right, can work.

This is one of the paradoxical things about alcoholism and the 12-step program that I don't really understand -- or even pretend to understand -- but intervention can work, despite the fact that it seems to go against all the "don't try to fix, powerless over people/places/things, didn't cause, can't control, can't cure" dogma we tell ourselves all the time in Al-Anon and ACoA. (And which, I might add, is true -- we didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure, someone else's alcoholism. We can't fix them. Yada-yada-yada. I agree this stuff is true -- that's why I keep coming back and have a medallion that says XIII in my pocket to prove it!)

What, then, is an intervention? Is it an attempt to do the impossible -- fix someone else's uncontrollable behavior? I don't know. I'm not sure. But I can tell you that in May of 1996, a group of us descended upon a hospital room and, in the space of 10-15 minutes or so, persuaded someone who had almost died to go to treatment. It worked, and thirteen years later, she's in good shape.

Did we "fix" her? Naaaah -- she said afterwards that she wanted to get well, but that it was too scary to do on her own. So although we made it easier, by showing up at the hospital with a suitcase full of clothes and a plane ticket to "Minnesober," it was not OUR doing, that the subject in question decided to get healthy. She was still the one who made it happen.

In this case, I don't know what to tell you -- it sounds pretty end-stage to me. But who knows? I don't have any advice, other than do the best you can, with the time you have left.

T

Freedom1990

I'd like to think if I were ever pronounced with a terminal illness that I would want to remain sober regardless.

I can't imagine the fear and hopelessness that she is most likely trying to blot out with alcohol.

I'm sorry you are all going through this. :ghug :ghug

NOLAGirl

Thank you, to everyone for your thoughts and kindness.

I've determined I'm helpless to affect her situation.

And as Dothi said I should focus on my own well-being; it's the one thing I can control.

I ordered some books on Amazon that were suggested on this forum. I've been corresponding with my sister and trying to be supportive. I'm going to ask my mom that we only speak while she is still sober. I will refuse to speak to her when she is intoxicated.

I feel like educating myself, staying close to my family, and setting up these boundries is my best choice at the moment.

Charmie

thank you for your share nolagirl.it has helped me after what has been a tough day.my prayers are with you.take care of you.:praying

Prozac

I'm sorry for your pain NOLA. I can only imagine (although such a situation probably isn't that far away in my future).

As a person who treats those who suffer from substance abuse problems and specializes in engagement (hence tries to meet them where they are at and tries to look through their eyes...), I'm not sure there is much you can do.

I'm assuming your mom has liver failure due to drinking. And I'm assuming that she put drinking ahead of everthing/everyone for years. And now she is dying from it. Why the heck wouldn't she drink? (I'm not saying this is right, but putting myself in the addict shoes...). I've known many individuals in recovery who use what we call "adaptive denial" by telling themselves that they can/will use on their deathbed (for them this really means never, they assume they'll go in their sleep or won't get the chance, but in the day by day, step by step never say never this is what they say to get through...).

From a daughter standpoint, if/when you can have a sober moment with her, I'd point out your concern. That you'd like these last days/months/years to be happy times to get to know her NOT using, you have experienced enough of that already. It is her choice though, remember that. No matter what she chooses, it is her choice.