Ann

I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.

When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.

Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.

When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.

An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.

That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.

We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.

I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.

As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”

Hugs to each one of you

lightseeker

so beautifully said Ann. I love my meetings because there is no cross talk and it's a place where I am able to speak my truth and simply be heard. No one ever tells me what to do but they do share their experience, wisdom, strength, and hope.

I'm learning that opinions can be uncomfortablely close to judgements....not a good place for me to go. Even when I have one it's best kept unsaid. There are times that my opinion is asked for but even then I am really working hard to check my motives before I respond to even asked for opinions.

I'm glad that you wrote this and hope that it will be considered to be one of our "stickys". I know that when I first came here I did not know the best way to post sometimes (and probably still don't) and your wisdom on this is very helpful.

Thanks!

Ann

We recently passed 125,000 posts on this forum. What new members don't know is that we had a huge crash a few years back and the entire FFSA forum and all it's history was lost...and that was about another 400,000 posts.

So we're about half a million posts here and I think we do pretty well.

GoodKarma

Thank you Ann for this wonderful post. Sometimes I'm afraid to post here when I am really hurting and want to say something. There have been times when I really needed help and a few people have kinda yelled at me and made me feel bad, so I started keeping things inside in order to not look stupid when I really needed help.

It would be nice to just get some feed back without feeling someone is going to judge you. Sometimes we don't know what to do and just need advice.

imallright

Ann... what a great reminder. This forum has saved my life. Coming here and knowing that I have people like you to listen and support me has been a God send. Supporting doesn't mean "blowing smoke... it means offering love, options and empathy to help move forward. This site....many tears and many meetings have made life not only bearable, but good.... thanks

Ann

I don't know a member here who "means" to judge anyone but I understand what you are saying, and that is why I posted this.

Something we codies tend to do is repeat ourselves. An oldtimer called Just Tired/JT once told me that to say something once is to pass information, to say the same thing twice is a codependent way of trying to drum our opinion into an unaccepting mind that is not ours to change.

Let me say, sometimes I see a poster who is emotional (as we all are sometimes) who takes what is said in a different context than it was intended.

That's why I need to remember that we cannot see each others faces or hear the tone in our voices so it is important that we choose our words carefully and remain supportive and respectful

I have sat on my hands lots of times because I knew if I posted it just would not come out right and betray my own frustration.

I also remind myself that we are each in a different place in our recovery...some new, some 6 months, some a year and some several years...and we cannot expect anyone to be in the same place that we are. So I listen carefully to my elders in recovery, and learn from each newcomer walking in the door and that helps me grow.

imallright

You are an inspiration and a beautiful person. Thanks for sharing.

greeteachday

One of my very first recovery lessons (and the one that opened my mind to the fact that even though I am a pretty quiet, peacable and non-assertive person, I had huge control issues) was "Say it once, it is expressing an opinion; more than once, I am trying to control the person or situation."

Another thing that my Naranon group has taught me well is that if I hear the words "you should" or "why are you doing..." coming from a member, no matter how many years in the program, that person doesn't quite "get it" yet.

How lovely it is to come read a post that reminds me of good recovery and doesn't make me tense.

cece1960

When I first arrived here, I knew that I had a lot to learn. And I knew that there were those here who had found something I wanted. I didn't want to live their lives, I wanted to be comfortable in my decisions, and happy with my life.

I found out quickly that it took a lot of work, and a lot of that work brought pain along the way.

What I also learned is that I was better to latch on to those just "ahead" of me...those that had learned some hard lessons and could teach me, and that I couldn't simply step to the front of the line.

I think of it like a ladder. We are all here supporting it, and the best we can do is grab on tight to the one just ahead, and lend a hand back to those who are struggling. We are all linked, but may be on a different rung of the ladder...for now.

Thank you for a wonderful reminder (((Ann)))

cessy68

Thank you Ann, I want to rush off to a meeting after hearing your kindness comming across my screen.

I wish I had someone in PERSON, to talk to, face to face - about these issues.

There isn't much around me, and I enjoy comming to SR.

This has been a haven for me- the past 8 months--- I need to get it out.

I'm glad people like you, and the others here , have been able to listen to me, and help me through this hellish journey.

I'm sure there is a beautiful lesson yet to be learned.

Thank you again.
Love,
Cess

Ann

After many years of recovery, I am grateful for the lessons I am still learning. Each one is a gift that leads me to even more happiness and inner peace.

Hugs

marle

My daughter recently had an experience at one of her AA groups that made her feel very uncomfortable. The person was putting a judgement on her rather than helping her. I had to remind her that we are all still "sick" people trying to get better. But her experience was a reminder to me that my words can often hurt people if I am not careful of how I say something. This post is also a very good reminder. We often forget that others are not quite at the point in their recoveries that we are. And that each person is still an individual. Thanks Ann for the reminder. Hugs, Marle

frankly

I also have the control issues. Hey ask my kids, they will tell you! LOL I found early in my recovery, that when I found something that worked for me after trying everything else that didn't work, I wanted to jump in and shout to the world, no no no, if you do it this way, then you can just skip right past all that pain. Wrong. Sometimes going through the pain and even making choices that weren't good for me, were the very things that brought me further along in my recovery. If I hadn't done it, and done it my way, I never would have grasped the lesson.

Each person may have similar stories and situations, but each of us have our own path to walk, seperatly and togeather. Even though I may have learned how to cut the poison ivy back on my path, someone else may be working on getting kudzoo cleared on theirs, my remedy could just make their problem grow. (Remember when I got covered in poison ivy?) My advice could really get you in trouble. (-:

Compassion, not control.

Hugs Ann, Your work here is a gift, thank you.
B

breakingfree88

Thank you for the loving reminder. I agree with everyone up here. Its easy to forget how helpless we felt just a short time ago and when we find something that works we want to shake everyone who is still hurting and say do this! But when I have that feeling I need to realize that that frustration is directed at the "old me". I wish that I could go back and say that to myself. But I cannot, and whoever I am speaking to has a different path than I. Everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason and it is not my job to "guide" them where they need to go.
Thanks and many hugs and much love to you. You're a beautiful person.
Love,
Holly

hope213

we all here are a family. we r here to help & not judge. i agree with all you say ann. we can only tell what we have experienced & what we have learned. i remember when i first came i could not understand how any mother could put their child on the street. i have learned so much here & i am gratiful for all of these wonderful people here. thanks for posting this.

BayAreaPhoenix

Thanks Ann!

winnie12

One of the biggest traits of a codie is telling other people how to fix things - get a bunch of us together and its bound to happen - i know i have to stop myself sometimes but we're all learning together. Thanks for the reminder that we have to accept everyone for who they are and respect each persons decisions that they make for themselves - we do all need to be free to make our own choices.

PeaceTrain

Thank you Ann for your post. Sometimes I am appalled by the answers that I read to some posts. "Who Cares" that was one answer that I could not believe. However, most posts are helpful and genuine. Those of us who love an addict are the walking wounded - for some of us our journey has just started, for others it has been long. We can all benefit by kindness and enlightenment - ESH -- experience, strength and hope..

MrsMagoo

Good thread. I've been trying to express the same thing but did not have the eloquent words.

GiveLove

Ann,
I thought of your thread today as I sat on the phone with a friend whose (addict) mother is dying. She emailed me a couple of nights ago asking for help, and evidently other friends had been heavy on the advice, light on the support. Her words really touched me, and made me think of our work here:

It's a great reminder that sometimes, we don't need to give people instructions on building a boat. Sometimes they just need a life ring (and, she mentioned later, some cheesecake)

Thanks for this thread.

:ghug