Burning Mad!
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Burning Mad!
To make a long story short....my grandmother would call me over the summer and whine about how bored she was. She relied heavily on the family to entertain her and take care of everything for her. There is a place in her building that does taxes, but she wanted my mother to do it for her. She starts whining about how bored she is, so I find an exercise class in her building and am told that she is too old by my family. The class is in an elderly building! I highly doubt they would have aerobics for seniors. I was going to Alanon meetings and realized I was placing her first and that myself and my HP needed to be there. So, I start taking care of myself. I go to pick her up to take her to my mother's house and the passive aggressive behavior comes out! I waited a half an hour for her. I can't leave because I would be the bad guy for not waiting. I've never seen this side of her until I changed my behavior for the first time. I was told she has dementia. I don't think it's dementia, but the dysfunctional alcoholism family crap going on with her. My mother calls me and tells me she is in the hospital and that it doesn't look good. I go to the hospital and the nurse says, "She's fine". I felt like I got broadsided by a bus. My mother came down to take her for the week, so my mom starts saying she looks really gray and that she can barely get up the steps and that she is going to get kicked out of her place because of the drama that goes on at her place. I've been duped before, so I'm not buying it. It's always poor her...blah,blah,blah. I get the "Come visit me before I fade away or she's not going to last much longer". The guilt trips make me feel angry, not compassionate. I would NEVER think of laying guilt trips on my kids when I am old. I guess I am the cold and uncaring person in the family. I don't care anymore! I feel like screaming, "Shut up and just die since that is what you obviously want, and make everyone feel guilty because you are elderly!" Some people would be grateful to live a long life, not her! I guess I am just a B****! 
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
From this thread: But YOU'RE the bad guy because you made Princess Psycho cry!
I completely understand the anger at having everyone push, shove, try to jump over or go around your boundaries. I know (oh, believe me, I do know) how difficult it is to maintain those boundaries when all the pushing and shoving starts happening.
Perhaps it's time to take a "mini-vacation" from your family? Don't answer the phone if you have caller ID and you know it's one of the perpetrators calling - that's what voice mail is for. Only call them back if you're feeling well prepared to hold your ground. Let things settle out in your own mind for a couple of weeks.
If she dies during those two weeks, well, not to sound callous, but it's not like you seeing her would have kept her alive, and she won't care if you see her when she's dead. Although from what you describe, it doesn't sound likely anyway.
And sometimes a good scream doesn't hurt either, as long as you don't aim your venom at any single person. If you are going to aim it at someone, I usually try to not hit the innocent bystanders
I completely understand the anger at having everyone push, shove, try to jump over or go around your boundaries. I know (oh, believe me, I do know) how difficult it is to maintain those boundaries when all the pushing and shoving starts happening.
Perhaps it's time to take a "mini-vacation" from your family? Don't answer the phone if you have caller ID and you know it's one of the perpetrators calling - that's what voice mail is for. Only call them back if you're feeling well prepared to hold your ground. Let things settle out in your own mind for a couple of weeks.
If she dies during those two weeks, well, not to sound callous, but it's not like you seeing her would have kept her alive, and she won't care if you see her when she's dead. Although from what you describe, it doesn't sound likely anyway.
And sometimes a good scream doesn't hurt either, as long as you don't aim your venom at any single person. If you are going to aim it at someone, I usually try to not hit the innocent bystanders
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Boundaries, worthy - where are your boundaries?
Your family isn't the only family like this, where someone feels their serving was short on life, and compensate by having a strong sense of entitlement. Whatever it is your grandmother feels she is owed, it is NOT your job to re-pay this debt. It's a deal she's made with everyone, without asking for consent. Effectively you know this isn't fair because you're trapped in a bargain you never agreed to.
Start with simple boundaries, worthy, as in, "if you're more than 10 minutes late, I will leave." And then leave. Would any friend of yours be so disrespectful? Would any stranger even think to be so disrespectful? So why is it okay for your grandmother to be so disrespectful? When they call you the bad guy, point out your boundary and don't bother trying to rationally explain it. If your grandmother was a rational person, she wouldn't treat you like this. All she needs to know is what your boundaries are.
As for the "not going to be around forever", NO ONE is going to be around forever. It's her choice to sit around waiting to die unhappy. It's still your choice to sit there with her, even if you don't want to. If you're not sure how to step out of this one, take some time and read some of the posts here. Learning to set limits, enforce limits, and cope with the aftermath is what this forum is all about.
Your family isn't the only family like this, where someone feels their serving was short on life, and compensate by having a strong sense of entitlement. Whatever it is your grandmother feels she is owed, it is NOT your job to re-pay this debt. It's a deal she's made with everyone, without asking for consent. Effectively you know this isn't fair because you're trapped in a bargain you never agreed to.
Start with simple boundaries, worthy, as in, "if you're more than 10 minutes late, I will leave." And then leave. Would any friend of yours be so disrespectful? Would any stranger even think to be so disrespectful? So why is it okay for your grandmother to be so disrespectful? When they call you the bad guy, point out your boundary and don't bother trying to rationally explain it. If your grandmother was a rational person, she wouldn't treat you like this. All she needs to know is what your boundaries are.
As for the "not going to be around forever", NO ONE is going to be around forever. It's her choice to sit around waiting to die unhappy. It's still your choice to sit there with her, even if you don't want to. If you're not sure how to step out of this one, take some time and read some of the posts here. Learning to set limits, enforce limits, and cope with the aftermath is what this forum is all about.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Glad you can vent here, worthy!!! We're good for that 
I second everything that's been said above me.
It's so funny to find this thread because I'm trying to work through something oddly similar right now. Not to hijack your thread, but maybe to help with a suggestion: My stepmother has chosen to isolate herself in her "old age" (she's only 63 but acts like she's 90...helpless...won't do anything for herself...)
I sent her a mother's day card and my best wishes, told her I was going through finals at school, small talk, etc. So when she gets it she calls and leaves a message. Wants to talk about the car she just bought for my stepbrother (I never got a car, by the way). Wants to talk about her new digital long distance service. Wants to talk about her new DVD player. And oh please, don't call during Dancing With The Stars. Oh, GOSH, it's been such a busy week for her!!!
Meanwhile, I've put in a 40 hour work week and my usual full-time schoolwork, AND it's finals, AND I'm finishing a 30-page research paper on EPA reporting methods.
So I don't return her call.
And I get another message.
And then another.
She wants to talk to me, tell me how terribly busy she's been lately. She sounds hurt, and increasingly drunk. She hasn't left the house in days, has chosen to have no social life, no exercise, won't go to the doctor, nothing.
I'll take Ginger's advice above: I need a mini-vacation from this, and I think you might benefit from one too. Nothing you can do will save her from herself, and nothing you can do will make your family behave properly. So let someone else chauffer her around for a while. Focus on your own life and tell them you're not going to answer the phone for a few days. They can leave messages.
It's hard. Don't I know it.
But I'll try it if you do!
I second everything that's been said above me.
It's so funny to find this thread because I'm trying to work through something oddly similar right now. Not to hijack your thread, but maybe to help with a suggestion: My stepmother has chosen to isolate herself in her "old age" (she's only 63 but acts like she's 90...helpless...won't do anything for herself...)
I sent her a mother's day card and my best wishes, told her I was going through finals at school, small talk, etc. So when she gets it she calls and leaves a message. Wants to talk about the car she just bought for my stepbrother (I never got a car, by the way). Wants to talk about her new digital long distance service. Wants to talk about her new DVD player. And oh please, don't call during Dancing With The Stars. Oh, GOSH, it's been such a busy week for her!!!
Meanwhile, I've put in a 40 hour work week and my usual full-time schoolwork, AND it's finals, AND I'm finishing a 30-page research paper on EPA reporting methods.
So I don't return her call.
And I get another message.
And then another.
She wants to talk to me, tell me how terribly busy she's been lately. She sounds hurt, and increasingly drunk. She hasn't left the house in days, has chosen to have no social life, no exercise, won't go to the doctor, nothing.
I'll take Ginger's advice above: I need a mini-vacation from this, and I think you might benefit from one too. Nothing you can do will save her from herself, and nothing you can do will make your family behave properly. So let someone else chauffer her around for a while. Focus on your own life and tell them you're not going to answer the phone for a few days. They can leave messages.
It's hard. Don't I know it.
But I'll try it if you do!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by worthyoflove 
To make a long story short....my grandmother would call me over the summer and whine about how bored she was. She relied heavily on the family to entertain her and take care of everything for her. There is a place in her building that does taxes, but she wanted my mother to do it for her. She starts whining about how bored she is, so I find an exercise class in her building and am told that she is too old by my family. The class is in an elderly building! I highly doubt they would have aerobics for seniors. I was going to Alanon meetings and realized I was placing her first and that myself and my HP needed to be there. So, I start taking care of myself. I go to pick her up to take her to my mother's house and the passive aggressive behavior comes out! I waited a half an hour for her. I can't leave because I would be the bad guy for not waiting. I've never seen this side of her until I changed my behavior for the first time. I was told she has dementia. I don't think it's dementia, but the dysfunctional alcoholism family crap going on with her. My mother calls me and tells me she is in the hospital and that it doesn't look good. I go to the hospital and the nurse says, "She's fine". I felt like I got broadsided by a bus. My mother came down to take her for the week, so my mom starts saying she looks really gray and that she can barely get up the steps and that she is going to get kicked out of her place because of the drama that goes on at her place. I've been duped before, so I'm not buying it. It's always poor her...blah,blah,blah. I get the "Come visit me before I fade away or she's not going to last much longer". The guilt trips make me feel angry, not compassionate. I would NEVER think of laying guilt trips on my kids when I am old. I guess I am the cold and uncaring person in the family. I don't care anymore! I feel like screaming, "Shut up and just die since that is what you obviously want, and make everyone feel guilty because you are elderly!" Some people would be grateful to live a long life, not her! I guess I am just a B****!
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~Cheryl
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by worthyoflove
To make a long story short....my grandmother would call me over the summer and whine about how bored she was. She relied heavily on the family to entertain her and take care of everything for her. There is a place in her building that does taxes, but she wanted my mother to do it for her. She starts whining about how bored she is, so I find an exercise class in her building and am told that she is too old by my family. The class is in an elderly building! I highly doubt they would have aerobics for seniors. I was going to Alanon meetings and realized I was placing her first and that myself and my HP needed to be there. So, I start taking care of myself. I go to pick her up to take her to my mother's house and the passive aggressive behavior comes out! I waited a half an hour for her. I can't leave because I would be the bad guy for not waiting. I've never seen this side of her until I changed my behavior for the first time. I was told she has dementia. I don't think it's dementia, but the dysfunctional alcoholism family crap going on with her. My mother calls me and tells me she is in the hospital and that it doesn't look good. I go to the hospital and the nurse says, "She's fine". I felt like I got broadsided by a bus. My mother came down to take her for the week, so my mom starts saying she looks really gray and that she can barely get up the steps and that she is going to get kicked out of her place because of the drama that goes on at her place. I've been duped before, so I'm not buying it. It's always poor her...blah,blah,blah. I get the "Come visit me before I fade away or she's not going to last much longer". The guilt trips make me feel angry, not compassionate. I would NEVER think of laying guilt trips on my kids when I am old. I guess I am the cold and uncaring person in the family. I don't care anymore! I feel like screaming, "Shut up and just die since that is what you obviously want, and make everyone feel guilty because you are elderly!" Some people would be grateful to live a long life, not her! I guess I am just a B****!
You know what? I don't care anymore either. I've gone to pen and paper contact only now. I hope you are able to find a happy medium to protect yourself from the feelings of guilt.
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