And so the "detox" begins... again...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 25
And so the "detox" begins... again...
I got a call Saturday from my grandpa saying that my mom needed to go to the ER... "She's ready to get help. I've talked her into going. You need to take her because I'm out-of-town." Initially, I thought it was "the call"... you know the call to tell me that she was in the hospital or dead because I've been expecting it. Needless to say, I was petrified.
I go over to her house. I go upstairs to find her lying in bed, curled up in a ball. She didn't even know who I was until I got to her. Her face was so bloated that it didn't look like she had any teeth. Her eyes were yellow. Her body is so small compared to her head. It killed me just to look at her. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said yes. I tried to get her up to get dressed, but she couldn't even stand... couldn't even put her own pants on. I had no choice but to call an ambulance.
The ambulance arrives and they ask what's going on... my mom is an alcholic. She's been drinking for the past six days. Does she take any medications? I don't know. I know that she takes sleeping pills. How long has she been drinking? Ten years.
They go upstairs to her, rouse her and ask her what's going on. She says she doesn't know. They ask her if she needs to go to the hospital and she says no, she's fine. She refused to go. They couldn't do anything. They couldn't take her against her own will. Basically, they tell me to watch for signs of withdrawal... tremors, hallucinations, seizures and then call. They can come and get her then... when her organs fail and she's about to die.
I go back upstairs to talk to her (or at least try to) and she starts in on the whole "you don't love me and you hate me" and all that other STUFF. She was trying to hide her bottle when I came back upstairs. I told her it was too late. I ask her if she wants me to pour the rest of her bottle out and she tells me no. I ask her if she's ready to stop drinking and get help, she tells me no.
I had a very tough choice to make... stay there and listen to her wallow in her sorrows, hold her, let her cry, be the daugther that she wants me to be, listen to how no one loves her, she's alone, she's sick or leave. Leave her there with the possibility of her dying.
I left. That was by far one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. If she died, would I be okay with the decision of leaving her? Yes. In my eyes, my mom died a long time ago. The shell of the woman that is left is no longer my mother, my friend or my confidant. I called her a few times later that evening to check on her and was relieved every time she answered the phone.
She's at my step-dad's house now, detoxing, where he can keep a watchful eye on her. She's miserable today. He coddles her, enables her and gives her a place to run to when things that too bad. She has an escape instead of the brick wall that she needs to hit. I stopped being there for her a while ago. I've only seen her twice this year (I usually see her every weekend) and my boundaries are fully in place, but I fell for it this weekend. I thought this time might just be "it" and this would all end. She was finally ready to get help.
Things with her won't change. Sure, they'll be fine for a while, but eventually this will happen again. I always wonder if "this time" will be it. If this will be the last round of binging that she goes through before she dies. I'm numb to it now. I'm just coasting through. I don't have hope anymore. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The weird part about all of this is that I'm okay with it. I'll be okay if she dies. I've made the decision to move on with my life and continue my journey but it still hurts like hell. I'm just exhausted... mentally, physically, emotionally.
I go over to her house. I go upstairs to find her lying in bed, curled up in a ball. She didn't even know who I was until I got to her. Her face was so bloated that it didn't look like she had any teeth. Her eyes were yellow. Her body is so small compared to her head. It killed me just to look at her. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said yes. I tried to get her up to get dressed, but she couldn't even stand... couldn't even put her own pants on. I had no choice but to call an ambulance.
The ambulance arrives and they ask what's going on... my mom is an alcholic. She's been drinking for the past six days. Does she take any medications? I don't know. I know that she takes sleeping pills. How long has she been drinking? Ten years.
They go upstairs to her, rouse her and ask her what's going on. She says she doesn't know. They ask her if she needs to go to the hospital and she says no, she's fine. She refused to go. They couldn't do anything. They couldn't take her against her own will. Basically, they tell me to watch for signs of withdrawal... tremors, hallucinations, seizures and then call. They can come and get her then... when her organs fail and she's about to die.
I go back upstairs to talk to her (or at least try to) and she starts in on the whole "you don't love me and you hate me" and all that other STUFF. She was trying to hide her bottle when I came back upstairs. I told her it was too late. I ask her if she wants me to pour the rest of her bottle out and she tells me no. I ask her if she's ready to stop drinking and get help, she tells me no.
I had a very tough choice to make... stay there and listen to her wallow in her sorrows, hold her, let her cry, be the daugther that she wants me to be, listen to how no one loves her, she's alone, she's sick or leave. Leave her there with the possibility of her dying.
I left. That was by far one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. If she died, would I be okay with the decision of leaving her? Yes. In my eyes, my mom died a long time ago. The shell of the woman that is left is no longer my mother, my friend or my confidant. I called her a few times later that evening to check on her and was relieved every time she answered the phone.
She's at my step-dad's house now, detoxing, where he can keep a watchful eye on her. She's miserable today. He coddles her, enables her and gives her a place to run to when things that too bad. She has an escape instead of the brick wall that she needs to hit. I stopped being there for her a while ago. I've only seen her twice this year (I usually see her every weekend) and my boundaries are fully in place, but I fell for it this weekend. I thought this time might just be "it" and this would all end. She was finally ready to get help.
Things with her won't change. Sure, they'll be fine for a while, but eventually this will happen again. I always wonder if "this time" will be it. If this will be the last round of binging that she goes through before she dies. I'm numb to it now. I'm just coasting through. I don't have hope anymore. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The weird part about all of this is that I'm okay with it. I'll be okay if she dies. I've made the decision to move on with my life and continue my journey but it still hurts like hell. I'm just exhausted... mentally, physically, emotionally.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
littlebrr,
Hugs to YOU as you go through YOUR "detox."
That must have been a really toxic experience, and your whole body (body, spirit, mind) must be reeling. Like being around toxic fumes...it takes a lot out of you, and we need fresh air and rest to recover.
Very good decisions you've come to....I understand that place of detachment too well. Sad, but very clear. Really - you have done all you could, and now you need to turn your focus back to YOU.
Can you take good care of yourself over the next few days? Can you take some time away from your mom's chaos and drama completely, and do only things that make you feel good about yourself and your hopes & dreams? It seems like your spirit really needs rest.....would you be willing to let it have it, just take break from everything stressful for a while?
It may take not answering the phone, not following up, none of that stuff.
Hugs,
GL
Hugs to YOU as you go through YOUR "detox."
That must have been a really toxic experience, and your whole body (body, spirit, mind) must be reeling. Like being around toxic fumes...it takes a lot out of you, and we need fresh air and rest to recover.
Very good decisions you've come to....I understand that place of detachment too well. Sad, but very clear. Really - you have done all you could, and now you need to turn your focus back to YOU.
Can you take good care of yourself over the next few days? Can you take some time away from your mom's chaos and drama completely, and do only things that make you feel good about yourself and your hopes & dreams? It seems like your spirit really needs rest.....would you be willing to let it have it, just take break from everything stressful for a while?
It may take not answering the phone, not following up, none of that stuff.
Hugs,
GL
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
littlebrr,
My heart ached as I read how you walked out the door. But you are doing, this is almost hard to type, the... right ....thing.
I have this memory now of my mother, lying on the couch drunk, blankly watching the TV, as I try to talk to her. She is puffy and just - I hate typing this - pathetic. There just isn't any other word. I am maybe 15 or so. I ask her if there is anything that could help her. She just sighs and says 'no - nothing will help me'. I have no idea what to do. Of course there was nothing I could do, or should have done. Every picture of her from that time just looks sad. One part of me says she was suffering, and a more rational part of me says that she made that choice to stay stuck.
Keep walking that path to recovery. I am walking that way too.
((((littlebrr))))
My heart ached as I read how you walked out the door. But you are doing, this is almost hard to type, the... right ....thing.
I have this memory now of my mother, lying on the couch drunk, blankly watching the TV, as I try to talk to her. She is puffy and just - I hate typing this - pathetic. There just isn't any other word. I am maybe 15 or so. I ask her if there is anything that could help her. She just sighs and says 'no - nothing will help me'. I have no idea what to do. Of course there was nothing I could do, or should have done. Every picture of her from that time just looks sad. One part of me says she was suffering, and a more rational part of me says that she made that choice to stay stuck.
Keep walking that path to recovery. I am walking that way too.
((((littlebrr))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 7
Wow, your story and mine are so similar. My AM has been drinking for the past 20 years since I was a teen (maybe before). Sometimes, my Dad calls saying she is ready to get help (she never is). Why would she be when my Dad and her sisters enable her and don't let her hit rock bottom or give her a reason to change -- she has no need to get out of bed or stop drinking b/c everything is done for her.
I would've done the exact same thing as you, in the same situation. I too feel bad about the feelings I have that are similar to yours, in that, I feel like she died and gave up a long time ago, the person I see now is not my mother, so I am almost just waiting for "the call". While I feel bad, I often speak to myself rationally to force myself to realize that she has to be the one to change her life and she makes the choices to continue to live like she does, there is nothing I can do.
I am sorry you are so exhausted and drained and going through this, and I agree with GiveLove that you need to concentrate on yourself and I think do something nice for yourself. I am glad I found this board b/c I have found that my friends, while great people, have no idea what it is like to live with this, so here I find that I am not alone and I can learn about making myself a better person.
I would've done the exact same thing as you, in the same situation. I too feel bad about the feelings I have that are similar to yours, in that, I feel like she died and gave up a long time ago, the person I see now is not my mother, so I am almost just waiting for "the call". While I feel bad, I often speak to myself rationally to force myself to realize that she has to be the one to change her life and she makes the choices to continue to live like she does, there is nothing I can do.
I am sorry you are so exhausted and drained and going through this, and I agree with GiveLove that you need to concentrate on yourself and I think do something nice for yourself. I am glad I found this board b/c I have found that my friends, while great people, have no idea what it is like to live with this, so here I find that I am not alone and I can learn about making myself a better person.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
littlebrr - what you did took tremendous strength and will power. It was also the healthiest thing you could have done for yourself.
In rescue training for just about any kind of rescuer (firefighters, mountain rescue, coast guard etc) the first rule is Do Not Put the Rescuer At Risk. The reason for this rule is that if the rescuer risks themselves to save the victim, and fails, then there are two victims to be rescued.
You did the wise thing - you did not put yourself at risk. It is extraordinarily difficult to watch someone slowly kill themselves (rescuers go through all kinds of psychological training for how to deal with it when there is no way to save the victim). We all want the happy ending. We all want to save people. But it is better to lose one soul than to lose two.
It must have been gut-wrenching for you, but you did do right by yourself. I just wanted to state that, in case the little voices in your head are trying to make you think otherwise. You did right.
In rescue training for just about any kind of rescuer (firefighters, mountain rescue, coast guard etc) the first rule is Do Not Put the Rescuer At Risk. The reason for this rule is that if the rescuer risks themselves to save the victim, and fails, then there are two victims to be rescued.
You did the wise thing - you did not put yourself at risk. It is extraordinarily difficult to watch someone slowly kill themselves (rescuers go through all kinds of psychological training for how to deal with it when there is no way to save the victim). We all want the happy ending. We all want to save people. But it is better to lose one soul than to lose two.
It must have been gut-wrenching for you, but you did do right by yourself. I just wanted to state that, in case the little voices in your head are trying to make you think otherwise. You did right.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 25
I cannot even begin to describe how greatful I am for your support. While the decision was absolutely heart wrenching at the time, I'm feeling better about it and I do feel that I made the best decision for me and her.
Things are getting pretty scary... She called me at 2:15 am (I was sleeping and didn't hear the phone... thank God) and left a message saying something along the lines of "Call me. You are going to think I'm crazy, but it is absolutely true. PLEASE call me." I called her back this morning and apparently two guys broke into my step-dads house and were torturing her. Somewhere in there is a giant bunny, too. She called the police, who ended up waking the entire neighborhood up because they thought that there was a burglery in progress (or something). The "burglers" hid behind the curtain in the living-room so the police didn't find them. After the police left, they continued to torture her until daylight. So, she's showing classic symptoms of the DT's. I tried to tell her that she needed to go to the ER and told my step-dad the same thing. She refuses to go because she thinks that we are blaming all of this on her drinking (as in currently drinking) and because she can't afford it (she doesn't have insurance). I told her that I believed she hadn't been dreaming, but what she was seeing wasn't real. She didn't believe me and got really mad and aggitated at me. I told her that she needed to calm down and call me back when she did so.
I am praying with every ounce of my soul that she'll go to the hospital because I know how serious this is. At this point though, there is absolutely nothing I can do to get her there. She is conscious so she'll refuse if an ambulance comes. She doesn't have a doctor so I can't get her involuntarily committed. The only thing I can do is wait for her to surrender and hopefully it isn't too late.
Things are getting pretty scary... She called me at 2:15 am (I was sleeping and didn't hear the phone... thank God) and left a message saying something along the lines of "Call me. You are going to think I'm crazy, but it is absolutely true. PLEASE call me." I called her back this morning and apparently two guys broke into my step-dads house and were torturing her. Somewhere in there is a giant bunny, too. She called the police, who ended up waking the entire neighborhood up because they thought that there was a burglery in progress (or something). The "burglers" hid behind the curtain in the living-room so the police didn't find them. After the police left, they continued to torture her until daylight. So, she's showing classic symptoms of the DT's. I tried to tell her that she needed to go to the ER and told my step-dad the same thing. She refuses to go because she thinks that we are blaming all of this on her drinking (as in currently drinking) and because she can't afford it (she doesn't have insurance). I told her that I believed she hadn't been dreaming, but what she was seeing wasn't real. She didn't believe me and got really mad and aggitated at me. I told her that she needed to calm down and call me back when she did so.
I am praying with every ounce of my soul that she'll go to the hospital because I know how serious this is. At this point though, there is absolutely nothing I can do to get her there. She is conscious so she'll refuse if an ambulance comes. She doesn't have a doctor so I can't get her involuntarily committed. The only thing I can do is wait for her to surrender and hopefully it isn't too late.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm sorry you're still going through this.
Sounds like it would be good to turn your phone off EVERY night. Logic? There is nothing you can do in the middle of the night that isn't better handled by an ambulance or a policeman. You can face things in the light of day when you can better deal with them.
My alcoholic brother went on an extended bender after my sister's suicide and funeral. He tried to convince us that she was murdered by a pimp, a giant black man in a rainbow-colored suit carrying a sword. I know what this is like for you, and can only advise you to keep as much distance as you can possibly manage.
You cannot control her choices. Guilt should not play into this - you've done all you could. Love her from your safe distance, and hope for the best. It's no longer in your hands (it never was, but that's another story entirely...)
Sounds like it would be good to turn your phone off EVERY night. Logic? There is nothing you can do in the middle of the night that isn't better handled by an ambulance or a policeman. You can face things in the light of day when you can better deal with them.
My alcoholic brother went on an extended bender after my sister's suicide and funeral. He tried to convince us that she was murdered by a pimp, a giant black man in a rainbow-colored suit carrying a sword. I know what this is like for you, and can only advise you to keep as much distance as you can possibly manage.
You cannot control her choices. Guilt should not play into this - you've done all you could. Love her from your safe distance, and hope for the best. It's no longer in your hands (it never was, but that's another story entirely...)
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Bethany Beach, DE
Posts: 30
I have a similiar situation going on with my mom. Some days are so hard with the worry, maybe not so much worry, but the unknown of what's to come. I had my mom arrested last summer for breaking into my house, she was already on probation, so she ended up spending a few weeks in a womans prison, and oh yeah, sobering up for awhile. Now she's been 7 months, and I starting to get back to those ways again. Her side of the family is very supportive to her, and give me the why don't you help her treatment. Unfortuantely, I live next door to my mom. It's really hard to distance yourself from your mom. It kills me, but I also think there is certain level of "crazy" involved with her. It's hard to watch your mom do this to herself. I just don't get it myself.
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