Trying.

HI, I in my attempt to beat the powerlessness I felt growing up within my dysfunctional family, I find myself repeating it. I am drawn to people who remind me of my FOO and then cause myself more harm by trying to do what I couldn't do as a small child, I find myself standing my ground just that bit to much and jsut that bit to quick to point out others failings. At the time I feel justified, I mean don't these people deserve to be told?? Its only afterwards that I slowly begin to "come too" and realise that perhaps my actions regardless of theirs were a little bit OTT (over the top) and if these people are as dysfucntional as I feel they are, why not just walk away? Because there is no satisfaction in that? I'm not sure, I certainly feels like compulsion to repeat. I want to break three of my own cycle but right now not sure what to replace it with, if that makes sense. I feel if I don't stand up for myself I will be that small child again and I dont want to be her. Anyone relate?

dothi

You are certainly not alone. I find myself feeling this way often - especially with men who remind me of my AF. Understanding why you're acting a certain way with people is a start, because you can catch yourself and stop before you're doing it. But that alone doesn't fix what you as a child are still struggling to contend with.

Are you seeing anyone such as a counsellor? Attending Al-anon. I recommend counselling partially because it hit the spot for me, and because it's a much more customized, Trying-tailored approach to unravelling your personal ACOA mysteries. Counselling has re-directed my dothi-child's beliefs, particularly those in which I convince myself that if I do it right with this person, it will make up for my failures with my AF. Learning to find closure outside of fixing those old problems has been key to letting go of bad ACOA habits.


Because inside you are assuming that walking away from them will hurt them like it would hurt you. But the thing part of what makes dysfunctional people dysfunctional to begin with is their inability to empathize with those around them, including acknowledging/respecting the feelings of others. It sounds to me like you feel responsible for their feelings, when really they are responsible for themselves and you can only be responsible for you.

Also re: small child. Letting go of old ACOA bad habits is hard enough, but you also need to work on new life skills/habits to replace the old ones, i.e. "Trying the adult" life habits should be replacing "Trying the child" life habits. It's like throwing out your kid shoes without buying any new adult ones, and then wondering why your feet aren't feeling better What are you doing to learn healthier life habits?

GiveLove

When I first became serious about my own recovery from my FOO, I saw that same tendency. I know what you're saying perfectly.

I would NEVER suffer a slight, no matter how small.
I could NEVER be seen as weak or powerless, even when it was best to let someone else shoulder the burden for a while.
I took offense easily, and lashed out with a viciousness that was WAY overkill for whatever the person had done.
I created a barbed wire fence around myself with words, tough talk, swagger.
I thought that, because of all I'd been through already, I had a right to have life easy and without threat or challenge.
And most disturbing of all, I ceased to be interested in the pain of others, because, d@mn it, I had SUFFERED more than they had. They didn't KNOW pain like I'd had.

Trying, I think it's really a huge, huge breakthrough that you're recognizing your version of this overcompensation, and recognizing that you would like to do things differently.

Do you remember - have you heard - the little story below? See if you can find yourself on the street. 3? 3-1/2? I guarantee you it's in a better position than you were in a year ago, and if you keep working at this, I guarantee that next year you'll be doing even better. We really CAN heal ourselves.


1.
I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.


2.
I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.


3.
I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.


4.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.


5. I walk down a different street

Trying.

Thank you for the replys, I got a lot from both. I think right now I am some sort of flashback, its beginning to ease and reality is beginning to edge its way back in again. The acting out I feel I've just done is so similar to the drunk. This time though I am feeling the pain of my own behaviour, they say we keep on repeating until we've learnt the lesson. I hurt and I don't ever want to put myself in this painful place again.

dothi

Make sure you know how to recognize the lesson. I agree that we keep repeating mistakes until we finally learn. However, the spectacular ACOA tools of avoidance and denial can prevent us for seeing a lesson for what it is. That's why it takes SO LONG for some of us to learn, or re-learn rather, how to replace our unhealthy life skills.

Think of how many times you've seen an alcoholic in your life be confronted with one of life's lessons, only to see them turn away in denial. Ask yourself is this one of the unhealthy coping skills that you may still be using? Do you know what a healthy coping skill would look like? Or are you still modelling what you learned growing up?

FWIW, I learned to be a victim from my AF. When things didn't follow my plan, I tended to get overwhelmed and withdrawn - helpless. My AF had modelled helplessness for me, refusing to take responsibility for any part he might have in unfortunate events (e.g. in his case, crashing vehicles many times on the way home, forgetting special occasions, etc.) AF's golden line when I've confronted him over how hurtful his behavior has been, "how can I be held responsible for what I don't remember?"

This is NOT a good character trait to bring to work. At work the whole, "it's not really my fault" doesn't fly too far.

Working with a counsellor helped me to learn to critically assess my role in mistakes and to take responsibility without feeling personally attacked. I would have never learned these skills on my own as I never saw them and could not recognize them in other people.

Just give it some thought, Trying. The healthy people in my life are often asked, "was there a better way for me to deal with that?"

Trying.

Doth, I come from a dysfunctional foo or orgin not alcoholic, I was an alcoholic and have been sober 6yrs, I never say its not my fault, the majority of my life is balanced, its just a certain group of people that triggers me i seem to be projecting my foo on to them infact I do it whenever in group setting, I seem to get to overwhelmed in group. I am in therapy and have been for 5yrs, have made progress in some areas and in others the feelings are only now begining to come consicious hence my pain over the knowledge that I am acting out my own dysfunctional rule I held within my foo. My work like is fine, my family life is fine I seem to act out in areas where lets say, of little importance to me, but I am no longer happy doing this. I don't think there is a switch that we can flip to keep us in the here and now, I think acting out and flashbacks will gradually decrease the further I get into therapy, but I believe I will be in therapy for a very long time.

guiab

You have it truly right - there is no magic spell. Healing takes work but it is worth it.
You started a really valuable topic. Thank you! I have always gotten great advice here, especially from GL and Dothi, and this thread has been very timely.

Make sure you know how to recognize the lesson. I agree that we keep repeating mistakes until we finally learn. However, the spectacular ACOA tools of avoidance and denial can prevent us for seeing a lesson for what it is. That's why it takes SO LONG for some of us to learn, or re-learn rather, how to replace our unhealthy life skills.

I need to chisel this into stone somewhere (grazie Dothi)
Or maybe a shortened version-
We should act like adults now. And we will be happier for it!