Pearl of The Day....
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Pearl of The Day....
I thought it would be fun and Helpful to share one's own personal Pearls of Wisdom...
Todays Pearl for me is........ I have spent so much time trying to be what OTHERS wants me to be that I have No idea of Who I AM
Todays Pearl for me is........ I have spent so much time trying to be what OTHERS wants me to be that I have No idea of Who I AM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
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Hi Kendra-
May I help you continue your thought process on your "Pearl of the day?"
I too have spent so much time trying to be what OTHERS wants me to be - maybe today I should set a kitchen timer - for 5 minutes maybe - and spend 5 minutes on *myself* about who *I* am and what *I* want to be...
Then maybe tomorrow I could do the same thing.
See if you can catch yourself sometime today being what someone else wants you to be - than think back to what you thought while the timer was ticking away...
Mike
May I help you continue your thought process on your "Pearl of the day?"
I too have spent so much time trying to be what OTHERS wants me to be - maybe today I should set a kitchen timer - for 5 minutes maybe - and spend 5 minutes on *myself* about who *I* am and what *I* want to be...
Then maybe tomorrow I could do the same thing.
See if you can catch yourself sometime today being what someone else wants you to be - than think back to what you thought while the timer was ticking away...
Mike
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Hey Kendra, just wanted to share. I found that once I let go of what other people wanted me to be, I really started to shine as a person. But at first? Heck, I didn't even know myself - what do I like? What are my hobbies? What makes me tick? It was scary because it felt like I should know, but honestly I had no clue. It would have been much easier to slip back into what other people wanted me to be. Afterall, they were doing all that thinking for me, right? 
Now I'm more adventurous - not sky diving adventurous, but brave enough to try a class or talk about my genuine interests. Instead of prioritizing other people's ideals, I learned to prioritize my interests. For example, I love comics like Calvin and Hobbes and Dilbert. If I want to take 10 min in the evening and flip through one, why the heck shouldn't I? The old me would have avoided that and instead tried something new to please someone else's expectation of me. When I "failed" I would have felt more upset that I let them down than myself. But now instead of seeing failure, I take what I like and leave the rest. (this forum's great motto) In my case, it also helps to remember that I don't have to excel at everything I try.
My own personal pearl: love/family is not a license for abuse.
Now I'm more adventurous - not sky diving adventurous, but brave enough to try a class or talk about my genuine interests. Instead of prioritizing other people's ideals, I learned to prioritize my interests. For example, I love comics like Calvin and Hobbes and Dilbert. If I want to take 10 min in the evening and flip through one, why the heck shouldn't I? The old me would have avoided that and instead tried something new to please someone else's expectation of me. When I "failed" I would have felt more upset that I let them down than myself. But now instead of seeing failure, I take what I like and leave the rest. (this forum's great motto) In my case, it also helps to remember that I don't have to excel at everything I try.
My own personal pearl: love/family is not a license for abuse.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Bullhead City, Arizona
Posts: 89
Hi Kendra-
I do something a little different. And it changes a little every several months or so. My parents weren't alcoholics, just abusive - but in my therapy I realized that I had subconsciously looked to other people (mostly adults but also some teenager / relatives who were older than I) - and I had adopted some of their good traits but repressed them. I can't tell these people how much they helped me - most have passed away.
So, right now on top of my computer monitor, I have the phrase: "I can honor their presence in my life by straightening myself out."
You need to find what works for you, and, for a lot of us here, that's difficult because we have been "trained" to take care of other people first, which also means that we often internally hear how the abuser would like us to take care of "ourselves." (And all that does is help the abuser...) :-)
I hope I'm making sense with my "dry" humor.
Mike
I do something a little different. And it changes a little every several months or so. My parents weren't alcoholics, just abusive - but in my therapy I realized that I had subconsciously looked to other people (mostly adults but also some teenager / relatives who were older than I) - and I had adopted some of their good traits but repressed them. I can't tell these people how much they helped me - most have passed away.
So, right now on top of my computer monitor, I have the phrase: "I can honor their presence in my life by straightening myself out."
You need to find what works for you, and, for a lot of us here, that's difficult because we have been "trained" to take care of other people first, which also means that we often internally hear how the abuser would like us to take care of "ourselves." (And all that does is help the abuser...) :-)
I hope I'm making sense with my "dry" humor.
Mike
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Originally Posted by MikeH 
So, right now on top of my computer monitor, I have the phrase: "I can honor their presence in my life by straightening myself out."
Mike
Nice one Mike!! I too have lost some very important people in my life that taught me so much!!!
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I think you have heard my pearl several times, Kendra (heaven help you, you're stuck with me here 
)
but this is on my computer desktop:
"We all do the best we can with the light we have to see by at the time."
I also subscribe to daily encouraging - and funny! - messages from the universe through tut.com . I love getting those things.
by the way, I love this new little guy:
) but this is on my computer desktop:
"We all do the best we can with the light we have to see by at the time."
I also subscribe to daily encouraging - and funny! - messages from the universe through tut.com . I love getting those things.
by the way, I love this new little guy:
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I just acquired a new one, "resistance is anything we do (individually or collectively) that enables us to envision (or remember) that a different life is possible" . From a class discussion about the Holocaust, but I've been letting the non-parenthesized parts help me with the guilt about all the things I "should have" done. And to see what I did do in a different light.
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Great thread !!!
The smilies come courtesy of Morning Glory, our resident artist
My fav pearl is an adaption of the serenity prayer (I'm a compulsive adapter, which comes from being compulsive over-perfectionist; there's nothing in the world that I can't think up some way to "fix it". Oh yeah, and I'm also a compulsive rambler )
HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change,
the courage to change the future I can,
and the wisdom to start today.
Mike
The smilies come courtesy of Morning Glory, our resident artist
My fav pearl is an adaption of the serenity prayer (I'm a compulsive adapter, which comes from being compulsive over-perfectionist; there's nothing in the world that I can't think up some way to "fix it". Oh yeah, and I'm also a compulsive rambler
)HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change,
the courage to change the future I can,
and the wisdom to start today.
Mike
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Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
"The only thing that is constant in this world is change." - Buddhist proverb
So even if you do nothing, things will change around you. Those who seem to experience the most problems in our life are the ones who do not change as the world changes around them.
If left to its own devices, the world will always change, and not always for the better. I find it's best to put a little of my own influence into the change rather than sitting back and allowing the change to happen to me.
So even if you do nothing, things will change around you. Those who seem to experience the most problems in our life are the ones who do not change as the world changes around them.
If left to its own devices, the world will always change, and not always for the better. I find it's best to put a little of my own influence into the change rather than sitting back and allowing the change to happen to me.
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I don't have a new saying but I now believe the term More Will Reviled ... (sp)
My mind has been racing (more then usual) this morning.. My thoughts woke me up. I have been focusing on others. I know, a real shocker..:rotfxko However, when I woke up my part became painfully clear. So now my codie wants to negatively contract with someone by no longer looking at there stuff as long as they don't bring up mine. All man, I got some serious work to do....
My mind has been racing (more then usual) this morning.. My thoughts woke me up. I have been focusing on others. I know, a real shocker..:rotfxko However, when I woke up my part became painfully clear. So now my codie wants to negatively contract with someone by no longer looking at there stuff as long as they don't bring up mine. All man, I got some serious work to do....
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Is that all you want out of a relationship, K? A truce?
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It seemed like you were talking about your relationship with your distant BF. Am I right?
In all relationships, we have agreements. In my marriage, for example, we have a ton, but a basic one is: I am honest, respectful, and supportive toward you, and you are honest, respectful, and supportive toward me. If something hurts either one of us, we put our heads together and fix it so no one's hurting, no one's hiding.
What I meant by "a truce" is that it appears your relationship is built on: "I won't drag you through the mud if you don't drag me through the mud." He has done some hurtful things -- recently -- and the reason you keep going back to it is that he agrees not to bring up things that you did long ago (things you can't go back and change anyway...what's done is done). You appear to stay with him because he agrees not to push your buttons and make you face the fact that you weren't an angel all your life. But he still continues his hurtful behaviors....unless he's become an angel in the past couple of weeks?
We have all made mistakes. They shouldn't be used by others to emotionally blackmail us, or to excuse current and ongoing bad behavior.
That would seem like settling for much less than you deserve. You're a good person who is trying hard to become even better by focusing on you, and fixing what's damaged. Personally, I think that's the minimum you should accept from someone else in a relationship too.
Just my two cents' though.
In all relationships, we have agreements. In my marriage, for example, we have a ton, but a basic one is: I am honest, respectful, and supportive toward you, and you are honest, respectful, and supportive toward me. If something hurts either one of us, we put our heads together and fix it so no one's hurting, no one's hiding.
What I meant by "a truce" is that it appears your relationship is built on: "I won't drag you through the mud if you don't drag me through the mud." He has done some hurtful things -- recently -- and the reason you keep going back to it is that he agrees not to bring up things that you did long ago (things you can't go back and change anyway...what's done is done). You appear to stay with him because he agrees not to push your buttons and make you face the fact that you weren't an angel all your life. But he still continues his hurtful behaviors....unless he's become an angel in the past couple of weeks?
We have all made mistakes. They shouldn't be used by others to emotionally blackmail us, or to excuse current and ongoing bad behavior.
That would seem like settling for much less than you deserve. You're a good person who is trying hard to become even better by focusing on you, and fixing what's damaged. Personally, I think that's the minimum you should accept from someone else in a relationship too.
Just my two cents' though.
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My two personal pearls of wisdom that help me get through are:
"Pain is inevitable but misery is an option" (from my very first Al-Anon sponsor, who suffered from invasive cancer)
"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water." (from Eleanor Roosevelt, a woman who really knew how to flourish under stress)
Hope they help someone!
"Pain is inevitable but misery is an option" (from my very first Al-Anon sponsor, who suffered from invasive cancer)
"A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water." (from Eleanor Roosevelt, a woman who really knew how to flourish under stress)
Hope they help someone!
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