PoetryandHums

I am really having a hard time with my inner (unreasonable, just plain mean) critical voice recently, and especially today.
I guess the best example is that I handed in a draft of a paper with my OWN criticism on it because I was fearful of hearing/reading it from the professor.
I learned in my alcohol-affected family of origin to be really vigilant about myself to protect myself, but also that I was always screwing up, the bar was impossibly high, didn't deserve gentleness...I'm sure all of this sounds familiar! Right now, I'm criticizing myself for what I shared in an Al-Anon meeting! :wtf2 Talk about the thick of it. Any advice for how to quiet it down a little? I need a break.

evmdimples

On another forum I frequent, we tell the little voice to go back to it's room! I've heard that the idea is to get out of our own head because that's a dangerous neighborhood. What works for me: (re)read program material, watch a comedy, read something spiritual/uplifting, get active (endorphins!), get something done from my to-do list. As far as shares, I find that all shares are valuable and are a piece of the puzzle, mine or someone elses. At meetings, I've gotten so much from what others share or do (even when they get angry, or storm out, etc.!) You never know the positive effect your actions, words, gestures might have on someone else. I hope you find a way to quiet the infamous voice I myself know so well!

GiveLove

I have an inner critic that you would just not believe. Well, maybe you would LOL I've also written critical things on my own papers...!

I've done a lot of writing exercises (I'm a writer and writing student) around my inner critic, and it's helped a lot. I've even assigned him a visual, and can describe him in fine detail. I journaled extensively on where he came from, what voice I hear in my head, whose voice it is, etc. You'd be amazed at how effective an exercise that was. That was essential to me - to separate HIM from ME, because he's not me. He's a growth that I'm trying to remove...but he's not me, he's not right, and he has to play by the rules.

I don't think we want to silence all of our inner judgment - our inner critic has a function in your life. He helps us to get some things better, and/or helps us avoid discomfort and pain, and other corrective things. Roger von Oech describes the four parts of us - Explorer, Artist, Judge & Warrior - as all having their proper jobs. But when the critic (judge) gets meddlesome is when he thinks he owns the place, and just barges in whenever he wants, moves the furniture, messing with our serenity and self-esteem.

I can now metaphorically put him in his room, turn on the TV to TCM, and lock him in there while I write my papers, poems, and essays. He can come out when I need an editor.

Google "working with your inner critic" and play a bit. There's some really good information out there. If you're a writer, and even if you're not, Ann Lamott has a great chapter in "Bird by Bird" on her inner critic that makes me both think AND laugh my a@@ off.

All ACoAs have loud, loud inner critics. Putting them in their proper place is a skill we can all learn by practicing practicing practicing.

escape artist

when i found myself actually hearing my critic (sounds more like an mouthy teenager) going on and on most recently, another part of me told it to "Shut UP". I realized that I had been greatly influenced quite a bit by that part of me and was surprised that i actually told another part of myself to just shut it. it worked too. I guess i do let various parts of me have their turn to express themselves, but the critic was just gunning way too much. funny thing is once it seemed my critic had her way with things, she didn't have much to say about what to do next once she got me into my mess. I was happy to recognize it for what it is. I like to let the quiet one speak her mind but she seems alot like a doormat-.

GingerM

I know the inner critic's voice - it's the voice of one or the other of my parents (depending on what's being criticized). When that voice gets overwhelming, I use my own nurturing voice to talk to the "real" me. So I end up with 3 voices - the critic, the wounded and the nurturer.

The critic tells me I'm bad/stupid/incompetent/a waste of humanity
The wounded takes all this to heart
The nurturer tells the wounded that the critic is being completely unreasonable and I have every right to feel hurt, and that whatever that critic has just told me is their own issues shining through. The nurturer gives me strength.
The wounded then stops being a victim and starts fighting back, asserting herself and saying, The Nurturer is right! This is a completely unjust comment and it's wrong. So shove off you $&(@#&*$%^ Critic!

This is the general process (it doesn't take as much time or as many words anymore - though I will also say that I'm not always fully aware of The Critic either. Sometimes my husband ends up pointing it out to me. As the real me gets stronger, The Critic has become more stealthy).

CoDieNOmore

I really have nothing to add... I'm too new to all this..
I just needed to say What GREAT feedback....
:ghug

guiab

I concur - great advice.
Agghhh! I did the same thing on the way home from a meeting. I had mis-quoted Step 1 (left out the 'that' before 'our lives') and was getting a load of grief from one part of the brain and 'analysis paralysis' from another part (does the meaning change?). Waste of time and brain bandwidth.
I screwed up! But did I screw up?! Blaahhhhhhh!

Action, not analysis.
Compassion for self, not criticism.
We have to stop resentment of ourselves as well as others.

dothi

Remind yourself that your inner critic doesn't always know what they're talking about. Is your inner critic psychic? How does that lobe in your brain already know what your prof is going to think about your paper? That's one hell of a self-confidence bit a of brain matter there!

Like others here have said already, I often tell my inner critic to STFU. (personally find the f-word great for blowing off steam) This also gets easier when you imagine you inner critic is like a little monkey, still stuck in the cage of the environment you grew up in. It's bouncing around in there, expecting that the rest of the world is going to be as cruel and critical as your parents were. It's trying to protect you, but it can't understand that you don't live in the zoo anymore

GiveLove is right - our inner critic does serve a function and we can't shut it out completely. I've learned to ignore mine when it comes to my work and job performance because it just isn't well adapted to help me at work. But when I'm in family situations, I pay close attention. The more agitated my inner critic, the higher my anxiety, and the clearer it becomes that the situation is simply not healthy for me. lol, the monkey still does a good job when I'm in the zoo.

It's like a tool. I've learned where it works, and not to use it where it doesn't work. Where it doesn't work, I use my new life tools such as praise, confidence, and critical thinking (e.g. did I really fail miserably, or did I set myself up with an unreasonable expectation? hmmm, will learn for next time...) Self-awareness is a far more attractive quality to a boss/prof than self-criticism

Freedom1990

Holy cow, has this thread ever been useful for me! Neither one of my parents are alcoholics, but Dad is an ACOA with no program of recovery, Mom is a flaming codie with no recovery, and I haven't read a single thing in this forum I can't relate to!

I have a hard time with the inner critic too, and God forbid my mother should start in on me and then it really kicks into overdrive!