Having problems dealing with dads death
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Having problems dealing with dads death
I think it has been about a year since my dad ODed on heroin. I have known most of my childhood my dad was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs. He managed to be sober when me and my brother visited him on weekends, there is only even one time I can remember seeing him drunk.
My dads addictions without a doubt have had a large impact on my life. My parents were divorced when I was young age due to this. Also my brother and I have also both managed to never drink or do any kinds of illegal drugs. I think my main reason for doing this was my anger I had towards my father. Over the years I stayed in touch with my dad but I used college as an excuse to see him less frequently towards the end. His last attempt at AA we actually did have one real conversation about his drug use but I found this just made me more upset and angry ... but I tried to be as supportive as I could
Then a few months after I graduated from college my uncle found my dad dead in his house oded, he had been there for about three days.
fixing up my dads house to be sold is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And the housing market had just started going south so it took a while for us to sell it. The estate ended up not being settled for 4-5 months at least. This took a toll on me, I just wanted everything to be done with but we had to wait and sell the house to pay for the lawyers, the funeral etc.
So now almost a year later I have tried crying, I have tried releasing my anger towards my dad through meditation and exercise, I have tried telling myself that he is in a better place now, I have tried talking to my mom about it ... I still end up with this anger towards my dad and depression caused by what I am not sure. My mom did explain to me that there were support groups for family members of addicts but I can't convince myself that it would be worth going
How do people deal with their family members deaths?
My dads addictions without a doubt have had a large impact on my life. My parents were divorced when I was young age due to this. Also my brother and I have also both managed to never drink or do any kinds of illegal drugs. I think my main reason for doing this was my anger I had towards my father. Over the years I stayed in touch with my dad but I used college as an excuse to see him less frequently towards the end. His last attempt at AA we actually did have one real conversation about his drug use but I found this just made me more upset and angry ... but I tried to be as supportive as I could
Then a few months after I graduated from college my uncle found my dad dead in his house oded, he had been there for about three days.
fixing up my dads house to be sold is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And the housing market had just started going south so it took a while for us to sell it. The estate ended up not being settled for 4-5 months at least. This took a toll on me, I just wanted everything to be done with but we had to wait and sell the house to pay for the lawyers, the funeral etc.
So now almost a year later I have tried crying, I have tried releasing my anger towards my dad through meditation and exercise, I have tried telling myself that he is in a better place now, I have tried talking to my mom about it ... I still end up with this anger towards my dad and depression caused by what I am not sure. My mom did explain to me that there were support groups for family members of addicts but I can't convince myself that it would be worth going
How do people deal with their family members deaths?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 72
I honestly have no experience with death in the family. What I personally can relate to is the anger you have towards your father. It's perfectly natural for you to feel this way, as he was an addict. I'm sorry for your loss. To me it sounds like your mom is doing a great thing by advising you to go to addict groups. It sounds like you would very much relate to others in the group whether you think it's worth it or not. And really, what do you have to lose? It's only an hour, you can walk out if it's that bad, and you are not obligated to do anything at those meetings. Also, you could try individual counseling. That is my personal preference. Maybe try a grief counselor at first? Or a therapist who specializes in adult children of alcoholics. No matter what you decide to do, you already have realized that you have issues you want/need to work through. You deserve to find some sort of tranquility for your situation.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Etryter, and welcome to our quiet little corner of recovery 
When that happened to me it was "grief". A very short word for a very long pile of emotions.
My father was an alcoholic. As far as I know he didn't do drugs, but I drifted away from his after college the same way you described. Supposedly he got into AA, but the few times I contacted him he was the same arrogant, abusive and condescending bully that I knew as a child.
I got stuck settling the estate, same as you. As I was going thru the paperwork I discovered that my father had another wife in a different part of the country that nobody knew about. He'd kept up that double life for some 20years. I discovered a couple step brothers and a step sister. Step mom is a very sweet lady, but also incredibly enmeshed in co-dependency. After all, she put up with my father for 20 years, that's the definition of "sick"
Me too. In a very big way. If you look at the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum you will see some lists of exactly how we are affected. I had most of those when I first got into recovery. A lot of "12 step" work and a couple good therapists have cleaned out almost all that "baggage".
When my father passed away I still had some of that baggage left over. His death meant I would never have any kind of in-person closure over those issues, so they all came bubbling up to the surface.
What I had to do, thru recovery and therapy, was chip away at all the fantasies I had created around that drunk. All he was in reality was the biological accident of my conceptions. The "sperm donor", as some people have shared here. He never was any kind of "Dad", or "mentor". Not even a friend.
In reality, the fact that he was dead didn't make any difference. I could have picked out any other drunk off the street, stuck him in the same role and had exactly the same results.
It was only in my fantasies that I imagined someday he would apologize, someday he would appreciate what harm he had done, that he would give me some kind of recognition. Any kind.
My fantasies never came true, and his dying was the ultimate "reality check" that forced me to recognize they were just fantasies. I had been focusing on my past, and living in a fantasy future that would never happen.
When I was finally able to recognize that, thru working a "fourth and fifth step" in ACoA, all the grief and pain just vanished like a fog. I saw my father as he really was for the first time in my life. A sad, broken man who never worked up enough courage to straighten out his own life. He lived off the manipulation of frightened women and never experienced the wonders of a sane, happy and productive life.
That was a few years ago. All those feelings of grief, confusion and overwhelming loss are gone. My past is, well, past. I have a bright and wonderful lif that I deeply enjoy every day . I keep my own recovery alive and vibrant every single day to insure that my future remains as bright as my present, and does not become my fathers life.
All us AcoA's go thru very similar paths, Etryter. We find some form of recovery, whether therapy, 12 step or whatever. We face the pain of the various forms of injury that were done to us, we heal, and we build for ourselves a life that is truly happy, joyous and free. I'm glad you have decided to join us.
Mike
Originally Posted by Etryter 
... I still end up with this anger towards my dad and depression caused by what I am not sure.....
My father was an alcoholic. As far as I know he didn't do drugs, but I drifted away from his after college the same way you described. Supposedly he got into AA, but the few times I contacted him he was the same arrogant, abusive and condescending bully that I knew as a child.
I got stuck settling the estate, same as you. As I was going thru the paperwork I discovered that my father had another wife in a different part of the country that nobody knew about. He'd kept up that double life for some 20years. I discovered a couple step brothers and a step sister. Step mom is a very sweet lady, but also incredibly enmeshed in co-dependency. After all, she put up with my father for 20 years, that's the definition of "sick"
Originally Posted by Etryter
... My dads addictions without a doubt have had a large impact on my life. ....
When my father passed away I still had some of that baggage left over. His death meant I would never have any kind of in-person closure over those issues, so they all came bubbling up to the surface.
What I had to do, thru recovery and therapy, was chip away at all the fantasies I had created around that drunk. All he was in reality was the biological accident of my conceptions. The "sperm donor", as some people have shared here. He never was any kind of "Dad", or "mentor". Not even a friend.
In reality, the fact that he was dead didn't make any difference. I could have picked out any other drunk off the street, stuck him in the same role and had exactly the same results.
It was only in my fantasies that I imagined someday he would apologize, someday he would appreciate what harm he had done, that he would give me some kind of recognition. Any kind.
My fantasies never came true, and his dying was the ultimate "reality check" that forced me to recognize they were just fantasies. I had been focusing on my past, and living in a fantasy future that would never happen.
When I was finally able to recognize that, thru working a "fourth and fifth step" in ACoA, all the grief and pain just vanished like a fog. I saw my father as he really was for the first time in my life. A sad, broken man who never worked up enough courage to straighten out his own life. He lived off the manipulation of frightened women and never experienced the wonders of a sane, happy and productive life.
That was a few years ago. All those feelings of grief, confusion and overwhelming loss are gone. My past is, well, past. I have a bright and wonderful lif that I deeply enjoy every day . I keep my own recovery alive and vibrant every single day to insure that my future remains as bright as my present, and does not become my fathers life.
All us AcoA's go thru very similar paths, Etryter. We find some form of recovery, whether therapy, 12 step or whatever. We face the pain of the various forms of injury that were done to us, we heal, and we build for ourselves a life that is truly happy, joyous and free. I'm glad you have decided to join us.
Mike
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Etryter, I have lost a number of family members to addictions and to the repercussions of them.
My first experience with it as an adult was when I was 22 and my sister committed suicide. She had been a heroin addict whose addiction had grown from using once or twice a month to the selling-everything phase. She had gone through rehab several times, but could never manage to stay clean. The frustration and self-loathing grew until she took her life with a gun.
A year after her death, I was still quite numb from the whole thing. A heavy depression settled over my life like a dark, heavy fog.
Two years after her death, the fog was gone but I was in the anger stage, furious with her weakness and with the fact that she'd left my little niece behind.
Three years after her death, I just didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't angry any more, I could feel my feelings, but I avoided the topic because I wanted to forget it all happened.
I went through some counseling to really understand what I was feeling, and to get some concrete steps I could take to let her go. Then things started to really get better.
Now, many years later, I can talk about her with anyone who asks. I can tell them about her - that she was a bright, hilarious, fierce, beautiful, strong woman who unfortunately took a very, very wrong turn in life when she took the needle up for the first time. I can say with absolute honesty that I love her even though I hated her choices. I no longer cry. I'm not mad any more. I've let her go on to wherever we go next after this life. I'm sorry she's gone and I miss her, but it doesn't run my life any more.
When I find myself thinking about her and feeling the old pain, I try to do something nice like come out here on SR and talk with the family & friends of addicts, try to ease their pain a little. And ease my own in the process. It's a little like karma, you know?
All I can say is to continue on the path you're on, and you WILL reach a place of peace about your dad eventually. Talk with a counselor if it helps. Journaling helped me a lot too - just pouring out those thoughts as they came, just as you've done in your post. I couldn't hurry up the process. It just had to unfold at its own pace.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's choices. But I'm glad you found us, and I'm glad you're thinking about what it'll take to get through this anger and depression. You'll be okay...just do your best to keep your focus on your own life, your own dreams for your life, and time will do the rest
My first experience with it as an adult was when I was 22 and my sister committed suicide. She had been a heroin addict whose addiction had grown from using once or twice a month to the selling-everything phase. She had gone through rehab several times, but could never manage to stay clean. The frustration and self-loathing grew until she took her life with a gun.
A year after her death, I was still quite numb from the whole thing. A heavy depression settled over my life like a dark, heavy fog.
Two years after her death, the fog was gone but I was in the anger stage, furious with her weakness and with the fact that she'd left my little niece behind.
Three years after her death, I just didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't angry any more, I could feel my feelings, but I avoided the topic because I wanted to forget it all happened.
I went through some counseling to really understand what I was feeling, and to get some concrete steps I could take to let her go. Then things started to really get better.
Now, many years later, I can talk about her with anyone who asks. I can tell them about her - that she was a bright, hilarious, fierce, beautiful, strong woman who unfortunately took a very, very wrong turn in life when she took the needle up for the first time. I can say with absolute honesty that I love her even though I hated her choices. I no longer cry. I'm not mad any more. I've let her go on to wherever we go next after this life. I'm sorry she's gone and I miss her, but it doesn't run my life any more.
When I find myself thinking about her and feeling the old pain, I try to do something nice like come out here on SR and talk with the family & friends of addicts, try to ease their pain a little. And ease my own in the process. It's a little like karma, you know?
All I can say is to continue on the path you're on, and you WILL reach a place of peace about your dad eventually. Talk with a counselor if it helps. Journaling helped me a lot too - just pouring out those thoughts as they came, just as you've done in your post. I couldn't hurry up the process. It just had to unfold at its own pace.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's choices. But I'm glad you found us, and I'm glad you're thinking about what it'll take to get through this anger and depression. You'll be okay...just do your best to keep your focus on your own life, your own dreams for your life, and time will do the rest
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Etryter
I lost my AM to a car accident when I was 18, in my second semester of college. She was in poor heath from the drinking and likely blacked out. She was the quiet depressed abused alcoholic, and a contrast to my father, who was the picture of the highly functioning but very very angry alcoholic. I had a lot of guilt issues from her death and they dragged on for years, and years. I never spoke about my grief to anyone for years and just held it in. And it ruined me. To some degree it is still handicapping me, almost 30 years later. Grief really really requires talking to others and writing.
I never really spoke to my dad about her death. When I tried to bring it up he'd say 'put it behind you, its past and done. She was a nice woman. Get over it.' Now I see he had a lot of guilt over her death.
Please, go to counseling and go to alanon/acoa groups. I tried to handle it on my own, but it DID NOT work. Even talking to understanding friends and family (aunts, uncles, cousins) can help.
Your dad is at peace now. You deserve to have some peace here and now on this earth.
I lost my AM to a car accident when I was 18, in my second semester of college. She was in poor heath from the drinking and likely blacked out. She was the quiet depressed abused alcoholic, and a contrast to my father, who was the picture of the highly functioning but very very angry alcoholic. I had a lot of guilt issues from her death and they dragged on for years, and years. I never spoke about my grief to anyone for years and just held it in. And it ruined me. To some degree it is still handicapping me, almost 30 years later. Grief really really requires talking to others and writing.
I never really spoke to my dad about her death. When I tried to bring it up he'd say 'put it behind you, its past and done. She was a nice woman. Get over it.' Now I see he had a lot of guilt over her death.
Please, go to counseling and go to alanon/acoa groups. I tried to handle it on my own, but it DID NOT work. Even talking to understanding friends and family (aunts, uncles, cousins) can help.
Your dad is at peace now. You deserve to have some peace here and now on this earth.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
I don't really have any advice... I'm kinda in the same boat except my dad was the enabler in my family. The day I found out my cancer moved to my lymph nodes is the day my dad had a massive heart attack and never work up. This was last year. Tears will run down my cheeks sometimes when I think of him... But I don't even think I have even began my grief journey...
My thoughts are with you.....
Be Well
My thoughts are with you.....
Be Well
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 13
For me, I know I'm still dealing with the death of my Mom and the death of regular relationship with my (still living) Dad. With Mom, the primary emotion I felt was relief that there would be no more "waiting for the other shoe to drop" - that there would be no more crises. More recently I've been able to remember the good things she contributed to my life, the things that were healthy - as well as feel deep anger at how I wasted huge parts of my life trying to extricate myself from her "stuff". Mostly, I really appreciate the posts others have shared. Thanks everyone. And best to you, Etryter, in journeying through this loss.
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