9th step... Ammends
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
9th step... Ammends
Do them. Get all of them done.
When I'm in ammends, my spiritual advisors and fellow AA members ask me one thing when they see me; "Done with your ammends yet?" Bstards.
But... it feels good to get em' done.
I agree with other experiences in here. Sometimes there's a lot of grace. But don't count on it.
But if it's there, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Once the ammend is done, shut up and walk away. Let them chill. Clean off your side of the street. Be brief, be brilliant, be gone.
Don't ever bring up their part. If they bring up their part and ask for my forgiveness, I've always let by-gones be by-gones. If they forgive me, I figure it's icing on the cake.
I state why I'm there and say something about doing this to stay sober, I state the harm I've done and am direct and specific about it (get clear on the harm beforehand!), then I ask "Do you need to tell me how this has harmed you?" or "Would you add anything here?", then I say that I want to set right the wrong... maybe give them something I would do to set right the wrong, depends on the circumstance.
In one with an ex-girlfriend, she accused me of owing her $1200.00. I didn't think it was fair, but agreed to pay it back, arranging the best deal. Years later, she came to me and made ammends. At the end, she reiterated that she thought we were square monitarily. I didn't bring it up. I just told her to go well and stay in AA and stay sober. (In God's world this is possible) The Universe probably recompensated me in some way.
But to mess up an ammend is no fun. Don't share a trivial feeling with the person. I did this with my mom once and caused more harm. Lesson learned.
This time through the work, I made a huge mistake. I have someone I work with and hate or at least dread being around. He's rude, petty, doesn't clean the toilet after himself, smokes cigars, burps over the phone when talking to customers, and he's a dork. Well, I thought since I hate him so much, I just won't write about him and not get resentful. Two years later, we took each other's inventory. He started it. He emailed certain people in the company all of my faults. I emailed back and did 3 times as much inventory about him, and sent it to "Staff". That's everybody in our company.
We didn't talk for about a week, but my boss came out to Colorado to settle the air. We eventually had a company meeting over Christmas break and the 1st agenda was he and I communicating.
I started the ammend of with this line, "Well so-n-so, you probably hate me, but..." Then we had it out and made ammends to each other. But his wife works there too, so my ammend to her was even bigger. She said that once he and I fought, I stopped saying "Hello" and "Good bye" to her and she missed that.
If there's a way to screw these up, I'll find it.
When I'm in ammends, my spiritual advisors and fellow AA members ask me one thing when they see me; "Done with your ammends yet?" Bstards.
But... it feels good to get em' done.
I agree with other experiences in here. Sometimes there's a lot of grace. But don't count on it.
But if it's there, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.Once the ammend is done, shut up and walk away. Let them chill. Clean off your side of the street. Be brief, be brilliant, be gone.
Don't ever bring up their part. If they bring up their part and ask for my forgiveness, I've always let by-gones be by-gones. If they forgive me, I figure it's icing on the cake.
I state why I'm there and say something about doing this to stay sober, I state the harm I've done and am direct and specific about it (get clear on the harm beforehand!), then I ask "Do you need to tell me how this has harmed you?" or "Would you add anything here?", then I say that I want to set right the wrong... maybe give them something I would do to set right the wrong, depends on the circumstance.
In one with an ex-girlfriend, she accused me of owing her $1200.00. I didn't think it was fair, but agreed to pay it back, arranging the best deal. Years later, she came to me and made ammends. At the end, she reiterated that she thought we were square monitarily. I didn't bring it up. I just told her to go well and stay in AA and stay sober. (In God's world this is possible) The Universe probably recompensated me in some way.
But to mess up an ammend is no fun. Don't share a trivial feeling with the person. I did this with my mom once and caused more harm. Lesson learned.
This time through the work, I made a huge mistake. I have someone I work with and hate or at least dread being around. He's rude, petty, doesn't clean the toilet after himself, smokes cigars, burps over the phone when talking to customers, and he's a dork. Well, I thought since I hate him so much, I just won't write about him and not get resentful. Two years later, we took each other's inventory. He started it. He emailed certain people in the company all of my faults. I emailed back and did 3 times as much inventory about him, and sent it to "Staff". That's everybody in our company.
We didn't talk for about a week, but my boss came out to Colorado to settle the air. We eventually had a company meeting over Christmas break and the 1st agenda was he and I communicating.I started the ammend of with this line, "Well so-n-so, you probably hate me, but..." Then we had it out and made ammends to each other. But his wife works there too, so my ammend to her was even bigger. She said that once he and I fought, I stopped saying "Hello" and "Good bye" to her and she missed that.
If there's a way to screw these up, I'll find it.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 10
I am the father of two sons who have an alcoholic mom. As my ex-wife, I still have to deal with her and habitual falsehoods. She is allegedly on a 12 step AA walk stopping long enough at step 9 to say "I am making amends. Sorry about that. See ya." She abandoned the children when they were 6 and 8 year old boys. She wrecked our home physically and stole property. She owes over $10,000 in loans for taxes and unpaid bills. $60,000 in child support goes unpaid and unrecognized. She gets a AA coin and moves on. We are left with the broken pieces and economic calamity.
Step 9 is an amusing concept to us. It's as if she is establishing cred with her AA pals while continuing to dump on her children.
I wonder what she is telling her sponsor and AA group? I hear she is running a group.
I do not drink or do drugs, so I do not get it. I know for the grace of God, I would be an addict. So, I do not condemn at risk of being condemned. But, this step 9 just seems like some "you done well lying to yourself and others. Here's a coin. Go to step 10."
Step 9 is an amusing concept to us. It's as if she is establishing cred with her AA pals while continuing to dump on her children.
I wonder what she is telling her sponsor and AA group? I hear she is running a group.
I do not drink or do drugs, so I do not get it. I know for the grace of God, I would be an addict. So, I do not condemn at risk of being condemned. But, this step 9 just seems like some "you done well lying to yourself and others. Here's a coin. Go to step 10."
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
Wow! If I were in your shoes, I'd probably have a resentment myself.
She doesn't seem like a beacon of spirituality just yet. That's the perfect example of a line in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 82;
"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man (or woman, my addition) is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, 'Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin.?"
So, if she's still a tornado, I'd distance myself and family from her as best as possible, but, I'm no parent. I only have an opinion on that.
I don't know how long she's been sober, but clearing up the wreckage of our past can be like peeling an onion. Her awareness may not be all that and a bag of chips just yet.
If she stays on this path and if it takes and she truly recovers... and there's any hope that God will do for her what she cannot do for herself, then if she's slick enough to tear it down, she'll be slick enough to help build it back. Or, she'll stay sick and die someday... probably sooner than later.
But in the meantime, you can get free of your pain and resentment to her and I suggest you do JUST THAT for you and your children, not her.
Do you agree with that?
When I make ammends to someone, I say something to the effect; "I've done this, this, this, and this to you. Do you need to express to me how this has harmed you? What would you add that I might have ommited? What can I do to set these matters straight?"
I don't remember using the word "sorry" in an ammend. I do, however go to the person with contrition and sorrow.
If she didn't do this, it was a pretty lousy ammend. But regardless, you can get free of her if you want to. If you really want to, you'll do something really strange for her. You'll pray that she finds all the peace, happiness, joy, and yes...abundance, that you would hope to have in your own life.
You do that for her, everyday for 14 days straight... and see if a miracle doesn't happen. Don't do that though, if you don't want her to get well. It's a weird paradox. If you don't believe in God noway nohow, do it anyway. What do ya got to lose?
In the meantime, check this out; Just bear through the 1st five minutes of it before you judge it, please.
She doesn't seem like a beacon of spirituality just yet. That's the perfect example of a line in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 82;
"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man (or woman, my addition) is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, 'Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin.?"
So, if she's still a tornado, I'd distance myself and family from her as best as possible, but, I'm no parent. I only have an opinion on that.
I don't know how long she's been sober, but clearing up the wreckage of our past can be like peeling an onion. Her awareness may not be all that and a bag of chips just yet.
If she stays on this path and if it takes and she truly recovers... and there's any hope that God will do for her what she cannot do for herself, then if she's slick enough to tear it down, she'll be slick enough to help build it back. Or, she'll stay sick and die someday... probably sooner than later.
But in the meantime, you can get free of your pain and resentment to her and I suggest you do JUST THAT for you and your children, not her.
Do you agree with that?
When I make ammends to someone, I say something to the effect; "I've done this, this, this, and this to you. Do you need to express to me how this has harmed you? What would you add that I might have ommited? What can I do to set these matters straight?"
I don't remember using the word "sorry" in an ammend. I do, however go to the person with contrition and sorrow.
If she didn't do this, it was a pretty lousy ammend. But regardless, you can get free of her if you want to. If you really want to, you'll do something really strange for her. You'll pray that she finds all the peace, happiness, joy, and yes...abundance, that you would hope to have in your own life.
You do that for her, everyday for 14 days straight... and see if a miracle doesn't happen. Don't do that though, if you don't want her to get well. It's a weird paradox. If you don't believe in God noway nohow, do it anyway. What do ya got to lose?
In the meantime, check this out; Just bear through the 1st five minutes of it before you judge it, please.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Hi all. Well, I started Step 9 on Friday.
I started with an easy one (my little brother). I only had to make a general amends to him and apologize for the concern he must have had over my drinking and if I had embarrassed him at some point. He is also an alcoholic but is VERY high functioning and still enjoys his drinking. I did have to listen to a couple drunk stories about myself. This is still painful for me but I did feel a LOT better after it was done.
I made amends to my husband yesterday. Boy, THAT was hard. And I was pretty raw for the rest of the evening but I feel sooo much better today. Tonight I plan on making amends to my son. This will also be a hard one. I have lunch plans on Wednesday to meet with my Mom. I actually am so glad to be at this step when I have been dreading it for 11 months!
My sponsor has asked me to write an amend letter to myself. I feel I will get a tremendous amount out of that!
Wish me luck as I trudge the road of happy destiny
I would like to get my amends completed by my year birthday (May 9th) so that I can move on to the maintenance steps!
I started with an easy one (my little brother). I only had to make a general amends to him and apologize for the concern he must have had over my drinking and if I had embarrassed him at some point. He is also an alcoholic but is VERY high functioning and still enjoys his drinking. I did have to listen to a couple drunk stories about myself. This is still painful for me but I did feel a LOT better after it was done.
I made amends to my husband yesterday. Boy, THAT was hard. And I was pretty raw for the rest of the evening but I feel sooo much better today. Tonight I plan on making amends to my son. This will also be a hard one. I have lunch plans on Wednesday to meet with my Mom. I actually am so glad to be at this step when I have been dreading it for 11 months!
My sponsor has asked me to write an amend letter to myself. I feel I will get a tremendous amount out of that!
Wish me luck as I trudge the road of happy destiny
I would like to get my amends completed by my year birthday (May 9th) so that I can move on to the maintenance steps!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
Ah! Guess what?! I think there's a little AA loophole that will enable you to do steps 10, 11, and 12 right now!!
How exciting for you! After you've made your 1st ammend, I do believe you are elgible for further action! When have you finished a tough step in the BB, only to find that you've only made "a beginning?"
"This thought brings us to Step Ten."
What thought might that be? Finishing the rest of our Ammends!
You're there! You will be amazed before you are halfway through! You may be amazed now! You may have been amazed shortly after that ammends with you DH! Think about it. You may need the power in steps 10 and 11 to finish off 9. I don't see how it could hurt!
You have entered the World of the Spirit. Your next step is to grow in understanding and effectiveness, is it not?
Would you not recoil from liquor like a hot flame? Did you do this yourself, or did God do for you what you could not do for yourself?
I hope you get done with your ammends soon and have an awesome b-day!
7
How exciting for you! After you've made your 1st ammend, I do believe you are elgible for further action! When have you finished a tough step in the BB, only to find that you've only made "a beginning?"
"This thought brings us to Step Ten."
What thought might that be? Finishing the rest of our Ammends!
You're there! You will be amazed before you are halfway through! You may be amazed now! You may have been amazed shortly after that ammends with you DH! Think about it. You may need the power in steps 10 and 11 to finish off 9. I don't see how it could hurt!
You have entered the World of the Spirit. Your next step is to grow in understanding and effectiveness, is it not?
Would you not recoil from liquor like a hot flame? Did you do this yourself, or did God do for you what you could not do for yourself?
I hope you get done with your ammends soon and have an awesome b-day!
7
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Thank you SO much!
Yes, my sponsor said the same as you.
She said that she would like me to finish my immediate family amends and the letter to myself and then she will take me through 10, 11 & 12. Our goal is to get me through the steps in the next couple of weeks.
I am SO excited! Yes I know I will have more amends to do but it is a great start!
I had not considered what you said, that doing step 10 might be necessary to complete Step 9.
Funny that you said this "Would you not recoil from liquor like a hot flame? Did you do this yourself, or did God do for you what you could not do for yourself?"
because that is exactly how I feel about alcohol today. I do feel that I have a VERY healthy fear of it. It terrifies me how far down alcohol took me and what I allowed myself to become. I am SO blessed. (I think my HP is stronger than everyone elses, lol)
Yes, I am PROOF that there is a higher power and that it is so powerful to be able to save a wretch like me!
Yes, my sponsor said the same as you.
She said that she would like me to finish my immediate family amends and the letter to myself and then she will take me through 10, 11 & 12. Our goal is to get me through the steps in the next couple of weeks.
I am SO excited! Yes I know I will have more amends to do but it is a great start!
I had not considered what you said, that doing step 10 might be necessary to complete Step 9.
Funny that you said this "Would you not recoil from liquor like a hot flame? Did you do this yourself, or did God do for you what you could not do for yourself?"
because that is exactly how I feel about alcohol today. I do feel that I have a VERY healthy fear of it. It terrifies me how far down alcohol took me and what I allowed myself to become. I am SO blessed. (I think my HP is stronger than everyone elses, lol)
Yes, I am PROOF that there is a higher power and that it is so powerful to be able to save a wretch like me!
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
with my sponsee`s we cover the 8th step pretty good and then we move on to step 10 and 11 while they are doing their amends since amends can sometimes take many years to complete.TTOSBT,good job,you have come a long way.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
Well it sounds like you've got a good sponsor and hopefully you'll be sharing 9th, 10th, 11th step experiences soon...even 12th step experiences... in meetings!
You're in a good meeting when you're talking about your recent experience in pause, or ask or turn or "strength inspiration and direction" or praying for the right "thought or action" or intuition or "watch" or "the vision of God's will" or "world of the spirit..."
Not only do you have a healthy fear of alcohol, but you realize that sticking your hand on a hot stove is not such a good idea... when you're sober and recovered. But don't we do exactly that whenever we went back and took that first drink again? I don't know about you, but I didn't get and stay sober on the very first time the stove burned me, did you? I was stone cold sober right before that bourbon touched my tongue.
I don't have to run and hide from booze now, but we have to be careful and continue this work... The book says that I have but a "daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. "
You're in a good meeting when you're talking about your recent experience in pause, or ask or turn or "strength inspiration and direction" or praying for the right "thought or action" or intuition or "watch" or "the vision of God's will" or "world of the spirit..."
Not only do you have a healthy fear of alcohol, but you realize that sticking your hand on a hot stove is not such a good idea... when you're sober and recovered. But don't we do exactly that whenever we went back and took that first drink again? I don't know about you, but I didn't get and stay sober on the very first time the stove burned me, did you? I was stone cold sober right before that bourbon touched my tongue.
I don't have to run and hide from booze now, but we have to be careful and continue this work... The book says that I have but a "daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. "
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Originally Posted by McGowdog 
Well it sounds like you've got a good sponsor and hopefully you'll be sharing 9th, 10th, 11th step experiences soon...even 12th step experiences... in meetings!
You're in a good meeting when you're talking about your recent experience in pause, or ask or turn or "strength inspiration and direction" or praying for the right "thought or action" or intuition or "watch" or "the vision of God's will" or "world of the spirit..."
Not only do you have a healthy fear of alcohol, but you realize that sticking your hand on a hot stove is not such a good idea... when you're sober and recovered. But don't we do exactly that whenever we went back and took that first drink again? I don't know about you, but I didn't get and stay sober on the very first time the stove burned me, did you? I was stone cold sober right before that bourbon touched my tongue.
I don't have to run and hide from booze now, but we have to be careful and continue this work... The book says that I have but a "daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. "
You're in a good meeting when you're talking about your recent experience in pause, or ask or turn or "strength inspiration and direction" or praying for the right "thought or action" or intuition or "watch" or "the vision of God's will" or "world of the spirit..."
Not only do you have a healthy fear of alcohol, but you realize that sticking your hand on a hot stove is not such a good idea... when you're sober and recovered. But don't we do exactly that whenever we went back and took that first drink again? I don't know about you, but I didn't get and stay sober on the very first time the stove burned me, did you? I was stone cold sober right before that bourbon touched my tongue.
I don't have to run and hide from booze now, but we have to be careful and continue this work... The book says that I have but a "daily reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. "
I got clean and sober 14 years ago. But after 2 1/2 years clean, I decided that drugs were the problem, not alcohol. So, I started to drink again. I have never gone back to the drugs but alcohol brought me to my knees 11 months ago and I never want to go there again. It took a DUI and a car accident with my daughter in the car to hit bottom, hopefully for the last time.
But I stay vigilant and participate in my recovery every day. I have to, my life depends on it.
BB, thank you so much for those kind words. I do FEEL the change and it is good!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by McGowdog
In the meantime, check this out; Just bear through the 1st five minutes of it before you judge it, please.
Wish we could get away from the bizarro-world of my EX.
Thanks for your patience. It is appreciated.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Originally Posted by McGowdog
But to mess up an ammend is no fun.Lesson learned.
It started off well enough, but there's that part about "except when to do so would injure them or others". I failed to pay attention to that part. Turns out he was in her house at the time I was outside making the amends. She pulled the keys out of my vehicle, demanded that I make amends to him too. I didn't see that as being necessary.
What I should've done was to walk away and make the amends at a later date. What I proceeded to do.....was to drag him outside and beat the living daylights out out of him. Some amends, huh? In less than twelve hours I had an assault charge and a restraining order.
Lesson learned........God provides me with the opportunities to make my amends, ex-wife's included. It took a year for the smoke to clear and then I was able to make a proper amends to her.
And then there's that short little prayer the old-timers taught me.... God, please bless _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _ with a life beyond their wildest dreams and expectations, let them be happy, joyous, and free. That's what helped me to grow in understanding and effectiveness.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
the only amends I ever messed up was when I asked everyone but my sponsor-
I knew he would tell me the right answer which I wasn`t wanting at the time,it turned out a mess of course......
lesson learned on that one.......
I knew he would tell me the right answer which I wasn`t wanting at the time,it turned out a mess of course......
lesson learned on that one.......
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
My sponsor told me that as I made my amends, opportunities would present themselves so that I could make my amends.
Well, one of the amends I need to make is to my Mom. She lives about 45 minutes away from me and I was not sure when I would get to it. Well she called me this morning and asked if we could have lunch tomorrow! Wow.
Well, one of the amends I need to make is to my Mom. She lives about 45 minutes away from me and I was not sure when I would get to it. Well she called me this morning and asked if we could have lunch tomorrow! Wow.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Wanted to share this reading from Hazelden's Today's Gift daily email.......
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
Be careful with amends.
Hurting someone thoughtlessly just to lift our own guilt is not a proper Step Nine. Amends are for rebuilding the burned bridges in our lives. But if amends will hurt someone, we must decide if it's in that person's best interest to be told now. Oftentimes it's best left unsaid, but never denied to ourselves or to God.
Changing our behavior intentionally is one part of making amends, particularly to family members who may have heard us say "I'm sorry" far too many times. Repaying money, repairing damages, and making charitable contributions on behalf of the person we have harmed are all honest attempts to right our wrong. The point in every amends attempt is to take responsibility for what we did and express our regrets. Couple this with changed behavior, and our relationships will improve immediately.
I will not shy away from any amends I need to make today, but I'll be careful not to hurt someone with information he or she doesn't need to know.
You are reading from the book:
A Life of My Own by Karen Casey. Copyright 1993 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
Be careful with amends.
Hurting someone thoughtlessly just to lift our own guilt is not a proper Step Nine. Amends are for rebuilding the burned bridges in our lives. But if amends will hurt someone, we must decide if it's in that person's best interest to be told now. Oftentimes it's best left unsaid, but never denied to ourselves or to God.
Changing our behavior intentionally is one part of making amends, particularly to family members who may have heard us say "I'm sorry" far too many times. Repaying money, repairing damages, and making charitable contributions on behalf of the person we have harmed are all honest attempts to right our wrong. The point in every amends attempt is to take responsibility for what we did and express our regrets. Couple this with changed behavior, and our relationships will improve immediately.
I will not shy away from any amends I need to make today, but I'll be careful not to hurt someone with information he or she doesn't need to know.
You are reading from the book:
A Life of My Own by Karen Casey. Copyright 1993 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
Either that or just do like it says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. There are fantastic directions laid out by the first 100 sober alcoholics that are just fine and I've even got many many of my own good and bad experiences with amends.
Just read pages 76 to 83!
Here's more of my recent experience. Maybe some of you will find something useful in this and maybe you can share your own recent experiences too!
When I go to make amends I'm very clear on the harm I did to them before I go and I notify them before hand if possible that I need to talk with them.
I state my basic reason for being there, which is that I'm in a 12-Step or Spiritual Program and my sobriety depends on it. I tell them that I'm there to set right the wrong.
I tell them what I did to harm them and either ask them if they need or want to tell me how that's affected them or I ask them if they have anything to add.
Then I listen to them.
Then I ask them what I can do to set right the wrong. If I owe them money, I've been known to fork over some cash right there and ask if I can pay some certain amount every month until it's paid in full. That has been very effective for me.
There are times when it's not as simple as owing money, but I may have something to offer them to set right the wrong, such as an intent to not do it again or if I gossiped to them, I've told them that I went back to all the people who I gossiped about them to and set it straight. Intuition and tact should be used here, so as to not just cause more harm. There can be a fine line to staying on your side of the street here. For example, to just go to someone and say "I told people you were a fat slob" would not be good. I once told someone in my AA group that I went over his head and questioned his actions to others and mistrusted him, but set it straight by going to the others and apologizing to them for putting them in that position and telling them it was my own anger that started the whole thing. That one worked well.
If they thank me for my efforts and/or forgive me, that's wonderful. Icing on the cake.
Then I leave them and go on to the next amend.
Thoughts? Experiences?
Just read pages 76 to 83!
Here's more of my recent experience. Maybe some of you will find something useful in this and maybe you can share your own recent experiences too!
When I go to make amends I'm very clear on the harm I did to them before I go and I notify them before hand if possible that I need to talk with them.
I state my basic reason for being there, which is that I'm in a 12-Step or Spiritual Program and my sobriety depends on it. I tell them that I'm there to set right the wrong.
I tell them what I did to harm them and either ask them if they need or want to tell me how that's affected them or I ask them if they have anything to add.
Then I listen to them.
Then I ask them what I can do to set right the wrong. If I owe them money, I've been known to fork over some cash right there and ask if I can pay some certain amount every month until it's paid in full. That has been very effective for me.
There are times when it's not as simple as owing money, but I may have something to offer them to set right the wrong, such as an intent to not do it again or if I gossiped to them, I've told them that I went back to all the people who I gossiped about them to and set it straight. Intuition and tact should be used here, so as to not just cause more harm. There can be a fine line to staying on your side of the street here. For example, to just go to someone and say "I told people you were a fat slob" would not be good. I once told someone in my AA group that I went over his head and questioned his actions to others and mistrusted him, but set it straight by going to the others and apologizing to them for putting them in that position and telling them it was my own anger that started the whole thing. That one worked well.
If they thank me for my efforts and/or forgive me, that's wonderful. Icing on the cake.
Then I leave them and go on to the next amend.
Thoughts? Experiences?
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