Might be unrelated?

Old 04-06-2009, 10:29 PM
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Might be unrelated?

I don't really know why I'm posting this, I think I just need to get it out. Tonight my dad was emailing me about going out to my aunt and uncle's this summer. As I wrote a response to him, I was surprised at how emotional I became. Here's the back story on my Aunt and Uncle, might be a long one.

They're both Catholic and extremely conservative. My aunt has this judgmental way about her which probably comes from her very toxic parents. She has always commented about how disrespectful to my parents I am (which in some ways was true) and was always going on about how I whined. All she did was complain about my whining and mock me in front of everyone since I can remember. I have a brother and two male cousins and they would constantly gang up on me and make my life miserable when I was around them. And last but not least, my uncle. He takes great pride in being an a$$hole and in saying blunt truths. Since I became a teenager, all he has done is make comments about my weight. Let me first say this, I am 5'2" and weigh 120 lbs. He once said that I am "a fat girl waiting to happen," and on my visit after my first year of college, made a snide comment about how I was getting chunky. I fully believe that he was testing me, like he's always trying to see how hard he can push before I break. I have never granted him the slightest hint.

Anyway, fast forward to tonight. Now I have no doubts about just how much my Uncle's behavior has affected how I see myself, however, something new struck me tonight as I was emailing my dad. He was going on about how my uncle is family, that he really does have a great heart, just doesn't "know how" to treat women and that I just have to take him with a grain of salt. What struck me is the fact that my father, who has really never done anything to hurt me in the way my uncle did, never once stood up for me. Neither did my mother or my other relatives. They have witnessed everything that was said to me, sometimes even smirked along with the comments. I've been telling my parents for the last couple of years just how much it has affected me. They know this, and yet they do nothing. I always had to stand up for myself and never even hoped for anyone's help. I never saw that this could be wrong until tonight. It's no wonder that I never expect help from anyone, no wonder that I never trust that anyone will actually care or be there for me.

I think I already have my answer, but does this sound like a normal situation? Is it 'normal' for parents to sit by and watch as their child is humiliated? My brother was never taunted by any of them, I guess I was just lucky. I just feel so betrayed. I knew my Uncle never loved me and that's fine, whatever, but how could my parents just stand aside, especially my father? I don't want to see those people this summer and I can't bring myself to go out there and visit them. They have always treated my mother badly as well and it hurts to see that too. Am I so wrong to not want to put myself in that hole again, where I'm told I'm not good enough?

Sorry if this has turned into a whining rant, I'm just so confused and I don't trust my judgment. Sometimes I think I'm just overreacting.

Last edited by dolce7dolore; 04-06-2009 at 10:56 PM.
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Old 04-07-2009, 02:26 AM
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(((Dolce)))
You are not wrong to refuse to put yourself into a toxic situation once more.
As a child, you had few choices and fewer resources.
Today, that's not the case.
And you have no obligation to feed yourself to the lions, so to speak.

Whatever happens between your mom and her BIL,
is between them.
It sounds very disfunctional,
and like a classic case of msogyny,
the way uncle treats you and mom,
but, not brother and dad.
He's sick. Let him stew in his own illness.
You don't have to be part of it.

It must hurt very badly still.
And I'm sorry.
Please try and get some assistance to get over this pain.
You didn't deserve it then,
and you don't deserve it now.

And if your dad continues to support his brother,
Just realize that life is not always fair.
But, that *you* can move on
ANd break this cycle of abusive behavior
By refusing to accept it anymore.

I wish you well.
Please let us know how it goes.

Shalom!
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Old 04-07-2009, 05:17 AM
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I think it's normal in families that are used to pitting kids against each other and establishing that social hierarchy, so to speak. Your uncle wants you to know your place in the family that he thinks you fit best because it's convenient for him.

Not starting an anti-men hate-rant here, but I have noticed in my own family not only a disrespect for women but more like a genuine hate... like the men are angry to see the women do well. I guess because if/when their wives and daughters get healthy, they instinctively know their abuse will no longer be tolerated. That little hierarchy they're worked so hard to manipulate and maintain might collapse. It's like they can't be happy with anything less than sitting at the top in total control of those around them. Since they seem forced to recognize and respect other men, they vent their various frustrations on the women. I have even seen one father-daughter dynamic where all the daughter has to do is walk in the room and he'll start yelling at her - just constant yelling and degrading. Why?

I see this in my own AF. His daughters have "abandoned" him by finding their own way in the world, and his wife now has a job and her own vehicle (and boy did he work to sabatoge her in the name of "support"). I can see that he's miserable because he's not in control, but is unwilling to change his definition of what happiness and success look like for him. He doesn't yell at us, but uses a lot of manipulation to try and convince us of how we "should" do things. He treats our independence like a personal betrayal.

I wonder how many times your uncle has picked on you because he's pissed off or felt his own power threatened? Seriously, how many times has it had absolutely nothing to do with you?


Family is not a license for abuse.
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:48 AM
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Thanks for the responses, they really do help. I can see myself becoming healthier as I realize just how wrong some things were, but it's nice to get reassurance that I'm not just crazy

What's funny is that my uncle is not my dad's brother. It's actually my mom's sister, so my dad's relationship is only through marriage. Now that my parent's marriage has recently ended, they decided to still have a relationship with my dad. Which is great, except for the fact that they have turned their backs on my mom and blame her solely for the divorce. It's rather sad.

I wrote my dad an email last night after writing this. I just couldn't stop myself. I asked him why no one ever stood up for me, why they laughed along, why they just watched me being treated so badly. He hasn't responded. I don't like laying the guilt on my father, he never treats me the way my uncle did, but I guess I just feel betrayed and I'm looking for answers. Maybe answers that I'll never have. I just feel some sort of injustice when he asks me to go out there again, tells me that my uncle is family and deserves my respect.

It's funny because as I'm reading all of this ACoA material, they say that fear is the core emotion. That's what I felt last night when I had a break down. I've never felt fear before, not about my family and I know it's necessary, but I didn't expect it to come from situations that didn't involve alcohol.

I keep adding to this post, but I just have a hard time understanding my dad. My mom, well, my brother calls her a broken person and it's true. She had a terrible past, bla bla, her family still treats her terribly today and she doesn't have a clue on how to stand up for herself. So it's not surprising to me that she never helped me. Doesn't make it right, but I understand it. My dad on the other hand comes from a great family, a family that I realize he's kept me away from by telling me "you shouldn't worry Granny about those bad things or your problems." That's been ingrained for so long now that I don't know how I could talk to her or anyone on that side of the family. I know now that they're there though. Anyway, it's hard for me to understand my dad's behavior and I can't explain why he never stood up for me.
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Old 04-07-2009, 11:13 AM
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Dolce,

Stay away from those idiots! (Your aunt and uncle.)

I feel your pain.

There's an old biddy who was married to one of my late uncles who always treated me like crap. My mother would just sit there and let her do it. She only picked on me. Once, when I was 15 years old, Aunt Biddy started complaining that I was too old to be calling my mother "Mama." My older sister was TWO YEARS older than me and Aunt Biddy never said one word about her. That woman just wanted to pick on ME.

My mother's family were wimpy like that, and my uncle that was married to this woman was totally henpecked. This woman could act all nicey-nice when everything went HER way; when it didn't, her horns came out.

I believe she always hated me. She doesn't like other women at all. I haven't seen her since my mother's funeral, and it hasn't been long enough.

"tells me that my uncle is family and deserves my respect. " Your dad is wrong; he doesn't deserve your respect.

Take care of yourself; you deserve better than this.
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Old 04-07-2009, 11:33 AM
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Originally Posted by dolce7dolore View Post
I wrote my dad an email last night after writing this. I just couldn't stop myself. I asked him why no one ever stood up for me, why they laughed along, why they just watched me being treated so badly. He hasn't responded. I don't like laying the guilt on my father, he never treats me the way my uncle did, but I guess I just feel betrayed and I'm looking for answers. Maybe answers that I'll never have. I just feel some sort of injustice when he asks me to go out there again, tells me that my uncle is family and deserves my respect.
I think you did the right thing. I understand why you feel bad about challenging your dad but it seems as if his ignoring the situation hurts more than your uncle's behaviour. You've got an opportunity to try to deal with it and it's great that you were brave enough to take it.

I can't say why your dad did it but my guess is that he decided a long time ago to treat bullying as teasing because it was easier for him that way. My fingers are crossed that your email to him will wake him up and stop him from taking the easy way out and ignoring the pain you're in. :ghug3

You could always ask him if he would have stood by when you were a kid if a playground bully was saying the same things to you. A kid wouldn't get away with that kind of thing. What makes your dad think an adult should?

Please don't let yourself be conned into accepting the old arguments dolce. Respect should be earned. AF demands respect without doing anything to earn it. The same thing goes with your uncle. Having spent more years on this earth than you doesn't entitle him to respect. Has he ever done anything to earn your respect?

Last edited by hiding; 04-07-2009 at 11:34 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 04-07-2009, 12:39 PM
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Dolce,

Wow, your post brought up some bad memories for me. Not complaining here, mind you, but...

For example, I carried a LOT of anger toward my father for a long time because he tolerated how his new wife (after my mom's death) treated his kids that remained at home. One by one they all moved out before they hit 17 yrs old because they couldnt' take the criticism and antagonism. She really did want to get rid of us so that she could have her "own" kids with my father.

He never stood up for me against her. For years he stood by and supported her while she established a college fund for "her" kids but told me I was out of luck; stopped giving Xmas and birthday gifts when I was 14 but bought herself furs and fancy furniture; criticized me for reading so much, for not being very social, for my weight, everything.

Before you think this is another one of my "....and then some time passed by and I eventually forgave him....."

I didn't, not really. I DID eventually realize that he was a flawed person, just like I'm a flawed person. His weakness was not having the courage to make waves, for fear she would leave him, which would be catastrophic because he was an alcoholic and codependent and needed his enabler. He was always in conflict about his kids, but always gave in to her so he wouldnt' be alone. He was terrified of being alone.

That doesn't mean it's okay with me. But I no longer spend any time on it.

It also helps to know that if anyone ever treated me like that again, I would and could make them wish they were never born - I don't tolerate that treatment in my life any more, and can be viciously articulate in my self-defense. My inner kid is safe now. She can breathe and relax.

Somehow, that makes things that happened in my childhood not quite as horrible as they were before, when I might still be a victim to them.

Don't expect too much from your dad. In a way, I'm glad you voiced your opinion to him. Sometimes it hurts more to keep it inside than just let it out.

I'm always so proud to hear about the work you're doing. You 're well on your way to being your inner kid's bodyguard too.
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Old 04-08-2009, 06:49 PM
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it's funny that i have a sister like that to my daughters. when the oldest was very young maybe four or five, my sister started criticizing her about her unkempt hair. I couldn't believe what i was hearing! How this fully grown woman would verbally attack my daughter right in front of me!! I said to her directly, "if you have something to criticize my daughter about, you can say it to me and not her". She never did that again. Of course, I don't see her too much anymore. I just figured it was another caustic relative in our dysfunctional setup.
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Old 04-09-2009, 07:54 AM
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Good for you taking up for your daughter!
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Old 04-10-2009, 11:05 PM
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I'm honestly surprised (but in a good way!) that this topic of mine has generated so many responses on advice and personal experiences. I thought it might be a little out of place as it really has little to do with the alcohol itself, but I'm very glad I posted this anyway.

I've read each response probably three times and this is helping me very much. I just wanted to comment specifically on a few of those.

Hiding:

"I understand why you feel bad about challenging your dad but it seems as if his ignoring the situation hurts more than your uncle's behaviour."

I was just going to ask if you were British since you spelled behavior with a u, then looked back and saw that you are from the UK. That-is-awesome. Anyway, this line perfectly describes my situation. I mean, I've been living and acknowledging my Uncle's bad behavior for years now, but it wasn't until the other night when I realized that what hurt most was the lack of care/intervention on my parent's part. Especially from my dad. It's funny because I spoke to my mom about this the other night. It's like talking to a wall sometimes. All she ever says is "well, I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say..." it's very annoying that she never has any insight/advice. Whatever. Something she did say repeatedly was that she always thought those comments were jokes, that it was teasing, nothing dysfunctional about it. Ugh, I just wanted to scream at her "what is wrong with you??" Thankfully I didn't.

GiveLove:

Thank you so much for sharing that experience with me, and the comment about how you've never fully forgiven your father. It really helps to know that my situation isn't unheard of.

Escapeartist:

It was nice to hear about how you stood up to your daughter, good for you! Reading that help to assure me that what I'm feeling, especially after talking to my mom, is right. That what happened to me and the fact that my parents never did anything wasn't right or functional.
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Old 04-10-2009, 11:34 PM
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d7d:

I'm glad you wrote your post recently. I've just recently logged back on (and thanks to the site for keeping my profile!!) after being 'gone' for more than a year.

I did a really stupid thing in moving back in with my parents last summer - it was only supposed to be for the summer, and only until I got divorce finalized, name off mortgage, etc...and I'm still there.

I went into the whole thing with a positive attitude, hoping that since I had gone through so much recovery and changes (books, websites, counseling, 12-steps, etc.), that things would be better - that I'd be able to help prove to them that I'm not a scumbag / loser / hateful witch.

On the first full day of my being there, my sister (who is 43 and still living at home, and always will) came home in a violent rage, pissed that supper wasn't ready on the stove for her, and that my mother and me were lazy (expletives) waiting for the sister to wait on us.

That set the tone for the rest of my time. I hate it. I've grown to hate them (the two women), as I feel they have hated me (and then emotionally abusively calling their hateful acts 'love' and trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty because they are family!!Bleah!!). Gee, no wonder I've always equated 'love' with pain.

I'm (partially) thankful for the experience, because I had never really come to terms with the effect they had on me - I always wanted to blame it on the men and the crummy girl-friends I had in my life....
But after a few months of being here, I felt like I was acting like a surly teenager walking around like a ghost, trying to avoid "getting picked up by the radar" like I was in high school - and realized that it was because it all felt the same. Nothing had really changed.

I've tried to keep my chin up, and avoid them at all costs, and from time to time slightly stand up for myself (which ends in getting screamed and cursed at)...and now, "the stars have finally lined up" in my life, so I can finally make a move on buying a house for myself and my girls. I'd live in a damn tent right now, except I'm in MN (brrrr).

That's the part that really sucks - I don't like the influence they have on my daughters, but at the same time, I feel obligated to allow my children to see their family - my girls are so full of love.... And I put on my best face and try to do well, but it's like everything I say is interpreted as a put-down or angry gripe...I don't even tell jokes or involve myself in group conversations when my father or brothers are around...I just want to be "left alone," another long-familiar attitude I recognize from my youth.

Well, I probably sound like a cry-baby (ACOA talking, there??), but just wanted to let you know that I can relate (oops!). It's when you come to that realization that you start to really heal, because then you can see why you did so many other F-d up things in life (for me, anyway).

I've blabbed on long enough, I think.

Take Care,
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Old 04-11-2009, 01:42 AM
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I don't feel like posting yet another thread, so I think I'll try this here. If possible, I would just like some thoughts on what to do, or what others would do in my situation.

I'm supposed to go and see my family this weekend. The good family, like my grandparents who are great people, my aunt and uncle, my gorgeous cousin, for Easter. But I don't know if I can. Also, my dad is going to be there and right now I'm not too excited to see him. Those family members have always been good to me. They of course know nothing of my pain, but I don't blame them for that, how could I? I'm a great pretender. I've just been so emotional lately and I really don't know if I can act around them this time. I don't think I can keep it up. But I can't just bring up all of my problems... it's Easter. I can't just ruin a decent holiday for all of them. They wouldn't understand it, especially since it would come out of nowhere for them. I don't want to be forced to act though. Also, I feel like if I don't go, I'll be pushing them away and isolating myself. For me, right now, it's an impossible situation, and I'm merely trying to weigh the outcomes and choose the one least likely to hurt as much.
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Old 04-11-2009, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by dolce7dolore View Post
it's Easter. I can't just ruin a decent holiday for all of them.
Is it just me or does it seem like holidays are often an excuse for permitting inexcusable behavior? Don't make waves; make sure everyone else is having a good time. "Oh, you know [uncle's name], he's just like that..." That sort of thing?

dolce, what about a simple boundary? If the negative behavior comes out, verbalize your boundary (e.g. I find it very disrespectful/hurtful when you say things like that. I would appreciate it if you would stop.). If it comes out again, repeat (If you can't find a more respectful way of talking to me, I will leave.). Then finally, if your boundaries are ignored, follow through, (Excuse me, but I'm not willing to listen to this anymore.)

You may just want to leave the room or leave the party altogether, depending on how badly your tolerance feels breached. Keep in mind that just standing up to him with a calm, clear tone may be enough to turn the pressure on him to behave. It may or may not get to the point where you feel you have to leave.

Otherwise don't react. Don't engage. Just shut down and leave. You don't have to get angry to make your point, or "ruin Easter" for everyone. If family mollycoddles you into staying, repeat the boundary (I already explained that I don't want to listen to such negative comments anymore.). Practice saying these lines with a friend, so you can know how it will sound coming from your mouth.

The beauty of boundaries is that you don't have to be hostile in order to use them. It is calming just knowing that what you are doing is helping you disengage from the toxic behavior. It doesn't have to be vindictive or bitter. It is simply you standing up for you.

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Old 04-11-2009, 09:43 AM
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Thanks so much for the advice, however, my uncle won't be there. That probably was misleading because I said something about my aunt and uncle being there, but I meant the nice ones, lol. That not so nice uncle is not on my dad's side of the family. I just mean that I feel like I'm going to explode with everything that's going on; my parent's alcoholism, how irresponsible they are with my brother lately, and my uncle problem. I'm just so tired of faking it all the time and acting like I'm ok. I'm not ok lately.
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Old 04-11-2009, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by dolce7dolore View Post
... For me, right now, it's an impossible situation,...
One of the "brainwashings" that was forced upon me by my toxic family was to see my choices in black and white. Either I played into their dysfunctin, or they would make me very unhappy.

As an adult in recovery I have learned that there are many, many other choices.

You can show up early and leave when your father arrives.
You can show up late and only stay a little while.
You can call in sick (just don't say you are sick _emotionally_ ) and show up the next day. Or the next weekend.
You can see each family member on a different weekend.
and on and on.

Whatever you choose, it's just for today. By this time next year you will be _so_ much stronger and you will be able to see them for Easter and have a good time.

Originally Posted by dolce7dolore View Post
... They of course know nothing of my pain, but I don't blame them for that, how could I? I'm a great pretender .....
Someday you will have the strength to share a _little_ of your pain with them. Just a little. And later you will have more strength, and over time you will eventually share it all. Just for today, I think it shows great strength, love and compassion that you are willing to _not_ bring it up during a family gathering.

Mike
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Old 04-11-2009, 10:42 AM
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Wow, this sounds like it's going to be quite the heavy, emotional trip for you. Good for you for thinking ahead of how best to handle it.

What is the bare minimum time you have to be there? What are some valid excuses if you have to leave early? Why can't you just say you're feeling under the weather this weekend and regretfully decline? Choose your battles. Will the benefit of going to this family get-together really outweigh the strain put on your emotional psyche?

dolce, the further I got in recovery as an ACOA the less I could physically stand to be around my family, particularly my AF. The intensity of this feeling was too much to communicate to anyone at the time. There was no point in trying to raise the issue any further because I was not in a place to deal with it comprehensively anyway. I just had to get out. Staying close was not helping me or my family anymore anyway.

End point: this "sacrifice" of your time and emotional well being probably isn't going to change the dysfunction for better or worse anyway. Let go of the guilt for not being okay. You ARE not okay right now, and that needs attention.

Though not necessarily the attention you're going to get if you *explode* (so to speak) on your family. Either through journalling, more posting, or counselling. Right now you need new life skills that you're not going to find at home. Your ACOA life skills have finally become too obselete for you to use anymore. Are you doing anything else in addition to posting here to deal with the growing pains of recovery?

FWIW, you are going to look back and realize you deserve an emmy for all the strained holidays you've survived by performing through.
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Old 04-11-2009, 10:58 AM
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Hi Dolce.

Tough call. If it was me.. I'd weigh up the pro's of having fun with the people you love versus the cons of trying to get through the day with a smile on your face when you're so raw inside. Do you get many chances to see your grandparents etc or is this the only time you'll see them for ages? Faking it with your parents will be miserable but could seeing the others make up for that and make you feel better than you would otherwise?

Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
As an adult in recovery I have learned that there are many, many other choices.
You can show up early and leave when your father arrives.
You can show up late and only stay a little while.
You can call in sick (just don't say you are sick _emotionally_ ) and show up the next day. Or the next weekend.
You can see each family member on a different weekend.
and on and on.
I've been doing this kind of thing for years - especially making my excuses to leave early. I hope next year will be different but I agree that they can help.

Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
Someday you will have the strength to share a _little_ of your pain with them. Just a little. And later you will have more strength, and over time you will eventually share it all. Just for today, I think it shows great strength, love and compassion that you are willing to _not_ bring it up during a family gathering.
I decided not to do Easter this year. I had an excuse on my lips when my mum said she understood I've got a lot to work through right now. Even after I've shared a little of my pain, I still want to protect her by making excuses! I do feel guilty but I know this is what I have to do and I was relieved that she said that. I would like to see her but it would just have been the 3 of us and I really couldn't deal with that right now.

Holidays can be hard - there is so much pressure to have a 'perfect' time. Since my grandparents died af's behaviour at holidays as got a lot worse. I think having an older generation there put the brakes on the control freak side of his behaviour - you know, 'I can do anything I want because I'm the head of the house' I'm so sick of it.

I have gone there when I haven't wanted to see af so that I can see aunts, uncles and my mum in the past. One of my aunts teases af (real teasing, not the nasty bullying your uncle does to you), actually teases a man I see as a bully and a control freak. I know that she doesn't know what goes on when she's not around, she's just having a joke at her big brother's expense. It's hard to describe this but it's oddly reassuring to see someone who doesn't tiptoe on eggshells around him and cares about him as the brother she knew in childhood, rather than the man I know now.

Weighing it all up I probably would go there if it meant I could see family I don't see often, even feeling the way I do right now. Quite apart from anything else, I always feel more comfortable accepting affection from my aunts and uncles and they're always happy to give it. That probably says quite alot!

Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
Whatever you choose, it's just for today. By this time next year you will be _so_ much stronger and you will be able to see them for Easter and have a good time.
Couldn't agree more and whatever you decide to do, make sure you eat some chocolate!
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Old 04-11-2009, 04:30 PM
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I keep repeating myself incessantly, but I do really appreciate all of the comments here. You don't know how much they help. On second thought, you probably do

Originally Posted by dothi View Post
FWIW, you are going to look back and realize you deserve an emmy for all the strained holidays you've survived by performing through.
LOL!

Currently, besides this website I'm not getting much help. I am reading self-help books (got several now, just that I have to actually finish them... obviously one of our fun little problems) so that helps. I was going to therapy here at my school, but between spring break and the fact that my counselor is pregnant and has now canceled two sessions and shown up late to others... it's been a month since my last time. I don't think she really knows much about ACOAs to be honest. I decided to call around town on Monday to find out if anyone specializes with adult children. Hopefully I can find someone.

I nearly opted out of going to my grandparent's house tomorrow, but then I found out that my brother and his girlfriend are going along with my dad. I called my brother and we decided to go to the mall (we have gift cards) which will be a great excuse to get away after lunch. I mean, it still won't be easy acting like I'm just fine in front of my family, but at least I know that I've got someone there who knows what I'm going through, one that I don't have to act around. And like, I think it was Hiding, said, it's good to be around people who are good and decent relatives. It is always a safe environment there and I don't have to worry about any criticism or negative teasing. I think I'll just avoid my dad... wish me luck!
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Old 04-11-2009, 07:03 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dolce7dolore View Post
He was going on about how my uncle is family, that he really does have a great heart, just doesn't "know how" to treat women and that I just have to take him with a grain of salt.
This really got to me. In my humble opinion, this Uncle is hurtful and mean. There is no "big heart" with someone who constantly belittles others. Sounds like dad is just making excuses for Uncle's behavior.

There is no way I would tolerate that from someone, no matter who.

My mother is an x alcoholic, sober 32 years now. Still goes to AA.
But, she has always been the belittling, scolding, critical person, and still is.
I had to tolerate it as a child, but as an adult, I do not have to.

When she starts in on me, I just tell her I am not going to listen. I could tell you my journey to get to the point where I finally realized it "wasn't me", but it would take a while. Just trust me, the more you learn through the steps, the more confidence you have, and the less you will tolerate ugly comments.
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Old 04-11-2009, 11:25 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Wascally Wabbit View Post
This really got to me. In my humble opinion, this Uncle is hurtful and mean. There is no "big heart" with someone who constantly belittles others. Sounds like dad is just making excuses for Uncle's behavior.
It means a lot to hear this. As I start to heal, I see myself recognizing bad behavior I never saw before, and this is one of those situations. However, it's really hard to be sure about it all the time. I fall back into those bad habits of thinking it wasn't so bad and that I shouldn't be complaining. When I briefly spoke to my brother today, he accidentally let it slip that my dad was saying the same old things like "she's just so negative all the time now. All she does is see the bad. You know, that's just the way [my uncle] is. You have to take him like that." Easy for him to say, since my uncle has never said a cruel word about him. After hearing about that, I second guess myself. Hearing that I am not wrong is against my family's rules and it feels good.
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