hiding

It was suggested somewhere that an introduction can be a good idea. There are a lot of fears and worries listed in my post. The first is the fear that my post is too long, you'll be bored or think I'm being silly or petty or random. That perfectly demonstrates one of my bigger problems – I assume that people won't like me.

I am 32 and AF is 59. The first time I tried to write this it was all about AF but I'm sure his story will come out over time. For once, this is about me. I want to change my life and break away from the influence he holds over me. He's never going to change. My mum tries not to be but she's codependent. She's so isolated that I'm the only person she can talk to about him. Honestly, I'd say my relationship with her is codependent. He never beat any of us but the emotional abuse is more than enough to deal with. He used to be successful but finds it hard to get work now. He starts drinking by 12 every day and is so angry and bitter that this comes out in his business dealings. Unfortunately, his age means that he can justify his inability to work as being a choice to retire.

I have had a few problems with drink over the years but I think it was mostly because I had no other coping mechanism. All I knew for dealing with death, breakups and other more minor problems was drinking. A few years ago I started to deal with my grief in a more healthy way and stopped using alcohol that way. I've gone from heavy drinking alone, binge drinking with friends to being able to stop drinking before I'm drunk. Not every time but most of the time. I never drink alone these days. I figure that makes me pretty normal but I know I'm at risk.

I came first in my graduating class at university (so did my brother). I studied law and am a solicitor (a profession well known for its drink and drug problems, as it happens) but I haven't really met my potential. That's partly because of physical problems - I coped with back pain for as long as I could (because I thought it was 'normal' to be in so much pain so often) but eventually it got too bad to ignore – and partly because I don't have the maturity to cope in the workplace and don't feel worthy of a better job, even though I know that intellectually I deserve more.

I've always had self destructive tendencies. I smoke and put things that I ought to do off because it gives me something to feel guilty about. I don't let other people down though. If I commit to do something at work or for a friend or for the charity I volunteer for, I do it. I only hurt myself. It's usually in silly ways – putting off the ironing, that kind of thing – but it's sometimes in bigger ways. After surgery I'm still building my strength and trying to put my body back together. I know it sounds silly but driving straight past the pool when I need to swim is seriously self-destructive for me. If I slide backwards, I won't even be fit to work part time.

AF's been running me down for as long as I can remember. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter to him. If I'm in the room, he'll be disagreeing with me. About 10 years ago he took me to one side after I had been out late the night before. He was in the garage getting a beer when he told me that I had been nothing but trouble from the day I was born and that I had been wrecking his marriage from that very day. I finally told my mum about that recently. Even after everything he has said and done to all of us she was stunned by that one. He's said plenty of similar things since – I think what shocked her most was the age I was when he said it and the fact that he said that my whole life had ruined his.

I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and I worry that I can't have a healthy one so I don't bother looking to meet anyone. If I did have children, I would let AF near them but I worry that I shouldn't because I could turn out like him. He hasn't spoken to his own father in years and I worry about the pattern repeating over yet another generation.

I hide from people. I stay at home and read books alot. Physical pain provides a good excuse to curl up in bed with a book and the cats. I don't reach out to my friends when I'm having a hard time because I don't like to bother them. I find it really hard to make the effort to meet new people. I don't really know how to deal with them. Unlike my dad, I believe that most people are good, honest and kind. It's not that I'm unfriendly and people tend to think I'm charming at first but I constantly worry that when people really get to know me, they won't like me. . I never feel as if I fit in and, at best, I worry other people think I'm strange. At worst, I worry that they'll see something rotten inside me and am always surprised if people seem to like me

I fear that my mum will die, my brother will move on and I'll be expected to pick up the pieces and care for AF. He'd expect it. He'd think I owe him and, as a woman, I'd have to be his skivvy, just like mum is now.

My biggest fear, above all of the others, is that I'll end up like him. Bitter and twisted. To me, the drinking is just a symptom of a much deeper darkness within him.

DesertEyes

Hello there hiding, and pleased to "meet" you

wow, there's a lot of differences in your story from mine, but that last line is _me_ exactly. I spent every moment of my day desperately struggling to be _different_ than my alcoholic parents.

I was succesful at being _different_, but unfortunately I was just unhealthy in a different manner. It wasn't until I got into recovery that I learned how to be _healthy_

Not here in this little corner of recovery. And the reason is that we all have pretty much the same feelings. I also assumed that people wouldn't like me, and the reason for that was that I saw nothing likeable _in_ me. My parents had never liked me, why would anybody else. It has taken me some work, but today I like who I have become. I like the person I have built using the tools of recovery.

awesome!!! congratulations for that !!!!

I _so_ agree with that. I got both physical and emotional abuse. The physical was so easy to heal from. The emotional is the one that stayed inside of me and just ate up my soul long after I was away from them.

You know, I see a lot of healthy self-awareness in those phrases. It took me a _long_ time in recovery before I had the level of understanding you are showing there.

Oh goodness so have I. Not all the same as yours but self-destructive just the same.

That is _exactly_ me. That is why I didn't have any kids of my own. Once I got thoroughly into recovey I helped raise one that came pre-installed with my wife, but I'm glad I didn't have any of my own when I was young.

Makes perfect sense. I have all kinds of health problems and skipping my yoga is just as self-destructive to me. I skip it because I don't feel I'm worth it, and that's just me having a "slip" in my ACoA program.

That's exactly what happened to me. Except I had enough recovery to tell him he was a grown man and could take care of himself. He went and found another codie to look after him and I didn't have to deal with it.

Hiding, welcome again to our little corner of recovery. Thank you for sharing your story with us. It helps me to see that I am not alone in my feelings, that I am not weird and strange. I am just an injured little boy learning how to be a grown up. Something my parents should have taught me but never did.

Mike

hiding

Thanks for the reply Mike. I guess we all have different stories but it's the similarities which bring us together and, hopefully, mean we can provide advice and support.

That's such a great way of putting it. I want to be different, I just don't quite know how to be healthy yet.

That's the same way I feel. It helps to hear how far you've come. I've read some of your posts in other threads and you and others like you are an inspiration. It's hard to believe in fixing thoughts somehow – hard to deal with the idea that my personality's been messed around by outside influences. Fixing my body's been hard enough and the thoughts have made it harder but seeing other people who feel the same way and are prepared to work for the same goal is such a help. I know one thing though. I'm stronger than AF. I have to be to have come this far so I just have to keep faith that I can go further still.

I think I've been coming to this point for quite a long time. I knew there were two major problems – AF and family life in general the one hand and all the ways it had affected me on the other. I'd been feeling helpless and frustrated about both for a long time. I just hadn't managed to make a connection between the two things. I was trying to think round how I behave at work (for the nth time) and it just suddenly hit me. What if it's about my need for approval and attitude to authority? What if it's connected to AF? Over 10 years of thinking it over and it finally hit me! That got me look at other things. I'd had no idea that the social anxiety problems I'd been having might be connected to it all until I came here. Just goes to show.

I think that's part of the reason why it's been building in me. At my age, kids are on my mind. My gut says I desperately want a happy relationship and kids but, rather than believing in that and opening myself up to a real relationship, I hide away and settle for a daydream. You're showing me that this is beatable and that the future could be better than the future I've come so close to settling for.

I'm the same with pilates, which is more important than the swimming but less enjoyable for me. I do it to please my instructor because I know she'll notice if I don't, rather than because it's vital to my own health. I know that's not healthy but I keep skipping it anyway. Another thing to work on!

You must've come a long way to reach that point. I'm not sure I'll ever find the strength to actually talk to him about it. I just want to be as far away as possible if it ever comes to that. Right now, what I need is to try to work with my mum so we both find the strength to tell AF that we want to spend time together but he's not welcome. I haven't been able to say that to her yet but I think she knows the time's not far away.

And thank you for helping me see exactly the same thing. Well, except for being a girl.

DesertEyes

Hey there hiding

with me it wasn't my _thoughts_ that needed fixing, it's my _reactions_. My first reaction to a situation is whatever reflex I developed as a child. Something happens in the world, I have a reflex reaction, and then I run with it. That's unhealthy. What I do now is I _stop_ and examine the reflex, consider it against what I have learned in recovery, explore different _responses_ (instead of _reactions_) and then decide whether I'm going to deal with it right now or wait till after I go to a meeting.

This morning was a perfect example. I got a notice in my mailbox from the apartmet manager that somebody had filed a complaint against me cuz my guest had almost caused a traffic accident. I don't _have_ a guest, so clearly they got the wrong apartment number. My _reaction_ was to get angry (that attitude about authority that you mentioned), I made a whole plan in my head how I was going to call a lawyer, write some letters, take 'em to court.

eeeeesh.

I stopped. Read the notice carefuly, saw that there was _nothing_ I had to do _today_, and decided to deal with it tomorow or I would make myself late for work.

By the time I came home from work the _reaction_ was all gone. I was able to stop and chat with the security lady and calmly show her the letter. She was mortified and apologized profusely, said it was clearly a mistake in the original complaint and that she would take care of it.

There was nothing wrong with my thoughts, it's my _reactions_ that I have to stop. Once I can calm down and _think_ instead of react then everything works out fine.

We all have done exactly that, and we're cheering you on.

Ever is a _long_ time away in the future. What I have learned in recovery is to focus on what I can do _today_. Nothing more. Tomorow I will be a _little_ bit stronger and I can try something harder, but not today. That's where the "One Day At A Time" slogan comes from, it really works for me.

There you go. A perfect example of One Day At A Time. Look at all this recovery you got already

Mike

hiding

It's funny that you picked up on my saying 'thoughts'. That's my rationalising side coming out – thinking about your post, I realise it's the wrong word. It's instincts and deeply rooted ideas of who I am - the part of me that I feel like I have no control over. The only way I can think of is to say it's as instinctive as moving your arm to lift something – my conscious brain doesn't think about it, I just do it. Or, in other words, it's a reflex! Of course, once my conscious brain picks up on it, it starts knawing on why like a bone, which is where I am now.


I'm glad to hear that you've reached that point – sounds like exactly the right way to deal with the situation. Speaking as a lawyer you're now my ideal client - you stop to think before picking up the phone. If you'd rung me (that kind of thing happens more often than you'd think) I'd have tried to calm you down to deal with it yourself but offered to deal with it for you if you felt you couldn't for some reason. Begs the question - why is it that I stand up for other people every day and don't do it myself??

If that letter had come to for me, I'd have been angry and scared but I'd have carried on out the door to work. I would have told myself I'd deal with it later. It would have been on my mind all day, distracting me but when I got home and had time to think about I'd have probably put it on one side and avoided thinking about it if I was in the wrong. If I was in the right I'd feel the anger but bottle it up and avoid the situation - and think about it non stop until the next thing came along to take it's place.

Maybe the reason I get inappropriately angry but I internalise it and lie awake in bed with my heart pounding instead of doing anything about it is because I don't release a healthy amount of anger when it's deserved or necessary. More to think about.

Give Love was right about a journal. I don't need it to keep track of events (the literal side of me went straight to that when she first mentioned it) – I need it to keep track of all the thoughts spinning through my head or else they'll all end up coming out here instead in random waves which isn't particularly helpful for anyone.

True and it's a case of priorities too. I can't deal with my relationship with AF until I can deal with the effects it's had on me so far.


We did talk. It wasn't easy and maybe I shouldn't have spoken to her so soon when everything's muddled for me but she responded positively, even though I'm sure it hurt. She's ordered me a copy of the book she's found a big help for her to go with the acoa one I ordered myself. I haven't seen it on the forum so if it helps, I'll let everyone know!