I began my search for recovery for the first time ever.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I began my search for recovery for the first time ever.
Its been 2 years right around this time I joined SR.
I was at a cross road in my life for the first time ever.
I have been using some sort of a dryg since I was 12. Hard drugs since I was about 18.
Street life since I was like 21 or 22. I stayed in the streets for years. All I was about was getting high and getting money to get high. My life was run the streets for 5 or 6 days at a time and go home and sleep for 2 then back out. I did this for so many years. I am lucky I had a home to go to.
The chaos, risks, the things I have done and seen are indescribable.
I have sacrificed my moral values more ways than I can count.
Through all that I never thought to stop. I couldnt even tell you what recovery was or meant. Never even heard it before 2007.
When I found SR I was coming out of a serious binge where I once again lost my job for the 3rd time. Smoked so much cocaine it wasnt even funny. Got home from that binge and for the first time in my life seriously thought about and planned my own suicide. I was goin to lethal dose Heroin and just go to sleep forever. I was dead serious.
I have never IVed anything in my life.
I dont know why but I mentioned this to a famiyl member and they had me commited. They wouldnt take me because I didnt have any insurance. So I was released.
I then broke down crying the hardest I have ever cried in my life and begged for help.
I did end up attempting a very very serious attack on myself in May 2007. I had to have emergency surgery to repair internal damage done by my own hand. A week recovery in the hospital and a month of home recovery. I should be dead right now.
So we got me state insurance and called an inpatient treatment facility. I had to wait 2 weeks before a bed was available.
So someone mentioned looking for an online support group to keep me busy while I waited. And this wasnt the first one thtat came up in my search. It was a full on Christian forum. I wasnt with that. Then I found this one.
I joined immediately I believe. And I been here almost everyday since.
I had a really hard time at first. I rocked alot of boats and got into alot of confrontations.
I wasnt hearing anything. You couldnt tell em anything I already didnt know.
Funny how quick we find out we are so wrong.
I havent gotten more than a few months clean at a time since then. Never finished Inpatient. Been in and out of around 10 onstitutions since then. IOP probably 5 times that I never finish. Go a week and stop going. PSH..I am not really putting my all into this it looks like.
I have learned alot in my time here. This recovery thing is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. I could out run a bullet easier it seems.
I have been on this self destructive path for almost 15 years now. I am tired. I am so exhausted with the whole thing. Losing everything to have to start over and over. The money, jobs, legal problems, people I have seen lost to death and jails, The misery I cause myself and my family.
It stopped being fun a very long time ago.
This last run put me so low and I sunk so far into yself I didnt think Iw as going to make it out. Almost a month starit of self pity and loathing. No care or desire to even try. I had given up almost. Thats when I will be done. And thats when I will be in serious trouble. When I completely give up.
I crossed a line I never have before this last run. Involving my family. I cant go there. Never my family. I would kill and die for every single one of them.
I am paying a pretty hefty price right now. I dont really care about the job, the money, none of that. When my family detaches. Thats when I stand up and say enough. I am nothign without them. They are the reason I even care and try.
My grams is the reason I live and breathe.
So I am goint o put everything in my power to make this time the last.
2 years from the time I began this journey. Thats not long compared to the time I spent high.
But its long enough. Time to get real and get serious.
So when I came here. I was holding on by a thread ready to die any way possible. Now I am am still holding onto that same thread. But I am going to do everything in my power to grab that ledge. Climb back into the world and be what I know I can be. Which is a clean functionaing human being that can be trusted and relied on. Soemone who can be proud of themselves and not be a victim of my own doing.
I say I have come a long way. Even if I dont have ant real clean time.
I love SR. It has become a part of my everyday life. I have grown attached to some people here. I wouldnt be where I am today without the unconditional love, understanding and forgiveness of SR and everyone here.
May very well have saved my life. Now I need to do the rest and make a life.
I was at a cross road in my life for the first time ever.
I have been using some sort of a dryg since I was 12. Hard drugs since I was about 18.
Street life since I was like 21 or 22. I stayed in the streets for years. All I was about was getting high and getting money to get high. My life was run the streets for 5 or 6 days at a time and go home and sleep for 2 then back out. I did this for so many years. I am lucky I had a home to go to.
The chaos, risks, the things I have done and seen are indescribable.
I have sacrificed my moral values more ways than I can count.
Through all that I never thought to stop. I couldnt even tell you what recovery was or meant. Never even heard it before 2007.
When I found SR I was coming out of a serious binge where I once again lost my job for the 3rd time. Smoked so much cocaine it wasnt even funny. Got home from that binge and for the first time in my life seriously thought about and planned my own suicide. I was goin to lethal dose Heroin and just go to sleep forever. I was dead serious.
I have never IVed anything in my life.
I dont know why but I mentioned this to a famiyl member and they had me commited. They wouldnt take me because I didnt have any insurance. So I was released.
I then broke down crying the hardest I have ever cried in my life and begged for help.
I did end up attempting a very very serious attack on myself in May 2007. I had to have emergency surgery to repair internal damage done by my own hand. A week recovery in the hospital and a month of home recovery. I should be dead right now.
So we got me state insurance and called an inpatient treatment facility. I had to wait 2 weeks before a bed was available.
So someone mentioned looking for an online support group to keep me busy while I waited. And this wasnt the first one thtat came up in my search. It was a full on Christian forum. I wasnt with that. Then I found this one.
I joined immediately I believe. And I been here almost everyday since.
I had a really hard time at first. I rocked alot of boats and got into alot of confrontations.
I wasnt hearing anything. You couldnt tell em anything I already didnt know.
Funny how quick we find out we are so wrong.
I havent gotten more than a few months clean at a time since then. Never finished Inpatient. Been in and out of around 10 onstitutions since then. IOP probably 5 times that I never finish. Go a week and stop going. PSH..I am not really putting my all into this it looks like.
I have learned alot in my time here. This recovery thing is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. I could out run a bullet easier it seems.
I have been on this self destructive path for almost 15 years now. I am tired. I am so exhausted with the whole thing. Losing everything to have to start over and over. The money, jobs, legal problems, people I have seen lost to death and jails, The misery I cause myself and my family.
It stopped being fun a very long time ago.
This last run put me so low and I sunk so far into yself I didnt think Iw as going to make it out. Almost a month starit of self pity and loathing. No care or desire to even try. I had given up almost. Thats when I will be done. And thats when I will be in serious trouble. When I completely give up.
I crossed a line I never have before this last run. Involving my family. I cant go there. Never my family. I would kill and die for every single one of them.
I am paying a pretty hefty price right now. I dont really care about the job, the money, none of that. When my family detaches. Thats when I stand up and say enough. I am nothign without them. They are the reason I even care and try.
My grams is the reason I live and breathe.
So I am goint o put everything in my power to make this time the last.
2 years from the time I began this journey. Thats not long compared to the time I spent high.
But its long enough. Time to get real and get serious.
So when I came here. I was holding on by a thread ready to die any way possible. Now I am am still holding onto that same thread. But I am going to do everything in my power to grab that ledge. Climb back into the world and be what I know I can be. Which is a clean functionaing human being that can be trusted and relied on. Soemone who can be proud of themselves and not be a victim of my own doing.
I say I have come a long way. Even if I dont have ant real clean time.
I love SR. It has become a part of my everyday life. I have grown attached to some people here. I wouldnt be where I am today without the unconditional love, understanding and forgiveness of SR and everyone here.
May very well have saved my life. Now I need to do the rest and make a life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Lancaster,CA
Posts: 24
I sure can identify with your story except I kept going back and forth for 10 years-I went into treatment over 2 years ago and havent had to use since--What I have done different this time is study the allergy of the body part as well as the unmanageability and the spiritual malady and made a committment to not make any reservations to drink or use. I made a committment to not drink or use NO MATTER WHAT. I always had an excuse before--I always expected sobreity to FEEL good at all times or ELSE I'll give up. It not easy to live life w/o the instant high but Its way better now. Thank God.
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