What about the kids? Have a question
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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What about the kids? Have a question
I posted this in another thread but also wanted to post here.
Hi everyone,
I am myself a recovering addict with 9 months clean.
I am also a child/adult of an alcoholic/addict.
I usually post in the substance abuse forum but thought I should come this way and ask a question.
I abused pain pills for around 3-4 yrs. I have 2 small children. My youngest is only 3 and really doesn't remember some of the things i did. But my oldest is 7and she remembers. She doesn't bring it up a lot or remember a whole bunch but she does ask me questions about why did I do this or that and they are very random and at really off the wall times. Now she does not know about addiction for obvious reason (she is so young) but she does know that mommy was "sick"
I had a seizure in front of her and ended up in detox & hospital
I have no desires or cravings to use and I am sooo grateful for being able to get into active recovery and I really am optimistic and hopeful for the future of myself and my family.
It just hurts so bad when she asks me why I did certain things or she questions me about things that happened when I was using..like falling asleep on the couch or saying stupid things that did not make sense and much worse things I don't even want to get into right now. I know this hurts her as well and I have told her many many times that she can always talk to me about it. Now of course because of her age I won't divulge to much info to her about why I did what I did.
I guess my question is...What DO I tell her? How do I help her cope with these confusing memories she has and help her process them in a healthy way so that they don't haunt her forever?
I remember thinking these same thoughts and having these same questions about my mom when I was a kid. I was really never able to process them appropriately and this horrible cycle HAS to end now.
Also, when these things come up, I have so much guilt, shame and horrible feelings that they are overwhelming at times that I really beat myself up.
I don't know, I guess I feel like..Why should she forgive me when I cannot even forgive myself?
Sorry for rambling here I just thought thay maybe someone could help me along here. My recovery is coming along absolutely wonderfully but I just have so much shame and guilt.
Thank you
Hope
Hi everyone,
I am myself a recovering addict with 9 months clean.
I am also a child/adult of an alcoholic/addict.
I usually post in the substance abuse forum but thought I should come this way and ask a question.
I abused pain pills for around 3-4 yrs. I have 2 small children. My youngest is only 3 and really doesn't remember some of the things i did. But my oldest is 7and she remembers. She doesn't bring it up a lot or remember a whole bunch but she does ask me questions about why did I do this or that and they are very random and at really off the wall times. Now she does not know about addiction for obvious reason (she is so young) but she does know that mommy was "sick"
I had a seizure in front of her and ended up in detox & hospital
I have no desires or cravings to use and I am sooo grateful for being able to get into active recovery and I really am optimistic and hopeful for the future of myself and my family.
It just hurts so bad when she asks me why I did certain things or she questions me about things that happened when I was using..like falling asleep on the couch or saying stupid things that did not make sense and much worse things I don't even want to get into right now. I know this hurts her as well and I have told her many many times that she can always talk to me about it. Now of course because of her age I won't divulge to much info to her about why I did what I did.
I guess my question is...What DO I tell her? How do I help her cope with these confusing memories she has and help her process them in a healthy way so that they don't haunt her forever?
I remember thinking these same thoughts and having these same questions about my mom when I was a kid. I was really never able to process them appropriately and this horrible cycle HAS to end now.
Also, when these things come up, I have so much guilt, shame and horrible feelings that they are overwhelming at times that I really beat myself up.
I don't know, I guess I feel like..Why should she forgive me when I cannot even forgive myself?
Sorry for rambling here I just thought thay maybe someone could help me along here. My recovery is coming along absolutely wonderfully but I just have so much shame and guilt.
Thank you
Hope
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 163
You probably should take the kids to family therapist, but I'll tell you what I do with my kids. I try for rigorous honesty with them. *Especially with them.*
When I'm out of line, I apologize and say "Mommy was wrong. Mommy did X and she should not have done that. I'm sorry. I will try very hard not to do that anymore."
If whatever was going on was scary or upsetting (ie. my husband and I had a fight), I also tell them that I know that they were scared or upset, but that it's okay now.
The reason I do that is so that I can model a person who is reflecting on her own behavior and working on correcting their own behavior. They know that they're sometimes wrong and have to work on their behavior. I don't think it hurts them to know that grown-ups are wrong and are also working on their behavior. It also gives them learn what is good behavior and bad behavior for adults.
They know how your behavior made them feel. If you help them label those feelings and judgments with words, they'll be better equipped to handle those feelings.
When I'm out of line, I apologize and say "Mommy was wrong. Mommy did X and she should not have done that. I'm sorry. I will try very hard not to do that anymore."
If whatever was going on was scary or upsetting (ie. my husband and I had a fight), I also tell them that I know that they were scared or upset, but that it's okay now.
The reason I do that is so that I can model a person who is reflecting on her own behavior and working on correcting their own behavior. They know that they're sometimes wrong and have to work on their behavior. I don't think it hurts them to know that grown-ups are wrong and are also working on their behavior. It also gives them learn what is good behavior and bad behavior for adults.
They know how your behavior made them feel. If you help them label those feelings and judgments with words, they'll be better equipped to handle those feelings.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Kallista's response is really brilliant and I hope you can take it to heart. I also would suggest family counseling. They have ways of getting at things that may still remain buried. I wish my parents had done that for me.
This is what stuck out at me from your post, though:
What would have to happen for you to forgive yourself? What concrete, measurable thing could you do that would move you past this stalemate with yourself?
Self-hatred is something that, like it or not, intentional or not, you will teach your children if you don't solve it now. Healing yourself is in everyone's best interest, you know? Are you in counseling, tryin' ?
This is what stuck out at me from your post, though:
Why should she forgive me when I cannot even forgive myself?
Self-hatred is something that, like it or not, intentional or not, you will teach your children if you don't solve it now. Healing yourself is in everyone's best interest, you know? Are you in counseling, tryin' ?
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Hopefully tryin,
I applaud you for trying to do better by your kids, and for stopping the cycle of dysfunction.
The suggestions here are great, like counseling and honesty. And healing yourself. Have you attended alanon or acoa meetings?
If there is another trusted adult, an aunt or uncle, in your child's life, you could have them back up your honest statements and act as a sort of sounding board to help your child articulate their concerns. Sometimes that can reinforce the message that you are trying to send.
The shame and guilt are also things we have to avoid handing down. Keep working your program and remember the best way to make amends for past mistakes is good actions right now. And that is what you are doing - making good steps now.
I applaud you for trying to do better by your kids, and for stopping the cycle of dysfunction.
The suggestions here are great, like counseling and honesty. And healing yourself. Have you attended alanon or acoa meetings?
If there is another trusted adult, an aunt or uncle, in your child's life, you could have them back up your honest statements and act as a sort of sounding board to help your child articulate their concerns. Sometimes that can reinforce the message that you are trying to send.
The shame and guilt are also things we have to avoid handing down. Keep working your program and remember the best way to make amends for past mistakes is good actions right now. And that is what you are doing - making good steps now.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: A very HOT place, near the beach ;-)
Posts: 295
Thank you all sooo much. All of your suggestions are wonderful. I have been thinking that family counseling would be a great thing. My daughter is already a very very sensitive child. We do have a very open and honest relationship as of now. I also bought her a journal/diary a while back. I told her she can write anything she wants in it and that it will help her get her feelings and emotions out instead of keeping them inside. I also let her know it was OK to write things in it that she may not want to tell me. She does write in it everyday. Now she tends to write more about what she did that day but she has written about her feelings in it as well. It's a slow process but it seems to get better each day
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 74
Being she is soo young I would keep it vague and NOT try to overdo it explaining exactly what happened to you. It's too complex for a 7 year old. When she is around 10 or 11 start to explain to her the real truth honestly.......COMPLETELY honestly.
If she keeps asking I think the "mommy was sick" is perfectly acceptable and probably the most she can comprehend at the moment. But when she gets a bit older the whole honest truth is the only way to go. Otherwise she will most likely have trust issues. You don't want that because that's a 2 way street. If she thinks your keeping things from her shes going to most likely do the same to you and thats a battle no parent wants.
If she keeps asking I think the "mommy was sick" is perfectly acceptable and probably the most she can comprehend at the moment. But when she gets a bit older the whole honest truth is the only way to go. Otherwise she will most likely have trust issues. You don't want that because that's a 2 way street. If she thinks your keeping things from her shes going to most likely do the same to you and thats a battle no parent wants.
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