I am not alone anymore

Old 02-06-2009, 07:52 PM
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I am not alone anymore

Hi everyone

After reading many wonderful, honest and sometimes very painful posts I don't feel so alone. For years I tried to heal myself. I have had wonderful therapists but I wasn't ready to face the demons in my closet. At 33 I am ready now. I do know I can't do it alone. So here I am.

My father is an alcoholic. I am the middle daughter and the one who seems to not "get over" the past according to my sisters and mother. My mother would prefer I never talk about the past. I used to think it was because it was too painful, now I realize it's because if I talk about the way it really was she will have to admit to her role in the chaos that was my life.

I have accepted that my father made choices and he has to own that, not me. I have choosen to have minimal contact with my dad because that was the right choice for me at the time. It took me years to realize that it is not the alcohol that was the problem but the players.

Like most alcoholic families silence and shame were the main themes. My mother the "martyr" is the tie that binds. She is not a positive person. She is able to tear you down and then act surprised that she hurt you. If it really is an act. My older sister is the "good girl" She is responsible, reliable and is controlled by my mother. She seems to enjoy that role. She was my fathers favourite and always wanted my mothers love and approval. She is still waiting.

My younger sister is angry, hurt and will not accept that these feeling do not go away until they are dealt with one way or another. She doesn't believe it stems from an alcoholic home life. My mother has told her many times she just a jealous bitch.

Now me....I was the middle child but wanted to be the baby. Up until a few weeks ago I called my mom "mommy" I wanted to be special to my mom. I wanted her to love me because I was a wonderful, successful, daughter who made some mistakes but turned out ok, not because she felt guilty for the neglect and abuse I was subjected to during her evenings out. Those evenings out usually resulted in her coming home drunk, having a few more with my father and then fighting until 3 am. I would beg her to come up to bed. When she finally did my father was right behind her. We would sleep in the closet while he would sit on my dresser in his underwear with the lights on yelling and screaming. At 12 and 13 I was the protector, and no one was protecting me.

I am tired of pretending it "wasn't that bad" or hearing "it could have been worse." I recognize that I can't change the past but does that mean I am suppose to bury it to be happy? What if I don't want to anymore? What is wrong with accepting that your past influences your present and future decisions? I am not sure where I go from here. I guess this is where you all come in. I am not alone anymore.
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Old 02-06-2009, 11:52 PM
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:ghugjety75, I am so glad you found this board, there is so much you can learn from others here.I was the one in my family that wanted to talk truth and caught hell for it every single time. No one ever wanted the real story told, that Is the hardest part of living with a family that wants to live a lie. I hope you keep posting and I hope all good things come your way, hang in there.
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Old 02-07-2009, 08:56 AM
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Hello there Jety, and welcome to our little corner of recovery

Originally Posted by jety75 View Post
... I am tired of pretending it "wasn't that bad" or hearing "it could have been worse." ...
Yes, it _was_ that bad. And no, it could not have been worse.

It was _horrible_ because we were children, and children don't yet have the skills or knowledge to deal with such terrors. "Worse" doesn't apply, because there is no way to "measure" the pain a child feels. So welcome to a place where we understand what you say because we have all experiened it in our own lives.

Originally Posted by jety75 View Post
... What is wrong with accepting that your past influences your present and future decisions? ...
Nothing wrong at all. In fact, that acceptance is what makes me free of the influence of the past. When I know the reasons why I react in certain way I become able to choose a different reaction, or to not react at all.

Originally Posted by jety75 View Post
... I am not sure where I go from here. ...
Start with the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. There's a recent one about the "roles" that we develop in order to survive the insanity of our childhood. You'll see terms like "hero child" and "lost child" that fit the roles you described from your family. As you go thru the stickies a number of questions will pop up, so toss them here and we'll all contribute our personal Experience, Strength and Hope.

Grab your phonebook and go exaine a few meetings of Al-Anon. Each meeting has it's own flavor, and many of them are very helpful to us Adult Children of Alcoholics. I love my Wednesday meet, almost everybody there is an ACoA.

There's tons of great books written about us. My fav are the classics by Claudia Black.

That should get you started. Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike
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Old 02-07-2009, 08:57 AM
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Hi jety,

I'm so glad you found us. I remember the first time I started to work with my adult child issues and met others in the same soup.....I thought I would cry, I was so relieved.

I know these were probably rhetorical questions but I thought I'd tell you my feelings on the matter, in case it might help:

I am tired of pretending it "wasn't that bad" or hearing "it could have been worse." I recognize that I can't change the past but does that mean I am suppose to bury it to be happy? What if I don't want to anymore? What is wrong with accepting that your past influences your present and future decisions? I am not sure where I go from here. I guess this is where you all come in. I am not alone anymore.
It WAS that bad, for you. That is your truth, your reality, and you don't have to listen to any of the denial any more.

You are not supposed to bury the past...you've already TRIED that and you know it doesn't work. You are supposed to do exactly what you're doing: bring it all out into the bright light where it can't fester inside you any more. Piece by piece, you can examine it, figure out what hurts, and deal with it.

There is nothing at all wrong with accepting that your past influences your present and future decisions. That's the truth. YOU understand this. But your family is not ready to take this step yet. That cannot matter. You can't wait for them to catch up, or to "get it." You've got to move out into new territory yourself. It seems like you're waiting for your mom or your sister to catch up with you before you take the next step into healing......and I'm suggesting you may have to let them be whatever they are going to be, and move forward into a better life yourself.

It is hard hard hard to stop expecting them to understand. To stop expecting them to validate your pain, to apologize, to try to make you feel better. To stop wasting your energy trying to get them to see the light. I had a desire, for a long time, to hold up specific events and abuses and say "Look!! Look at this!! See what you did to me!! Why can't you admit it???" And I did.

But strangely, that never made me feel any better. They wouldn't, and if they did, it was just to shut me up. They didn't share my reality.

I realized too that I was hanging on to these events and abuses really tightly. They were so much a part of my identity, like a badge of honor: I have suffered, therefore I am. When I met people who had gotten past their childhoods and gone on to happy, mentally healthy lives, I was either contemptuous, disbelieving, or jealous as hell -- I didn't think I could ever get there. I didn't know if I WANTED to. Let go? How could I?

You are not alone. You have the services of therapists & counselors at your service, you have things like local meetings for ACOAs, Sober Recovery here, books about the issues of adult children and how to work through them, and so much else. You have people like Martha Beck and Barbara Sher and others who guide people to find stronger, more joyous lives. There's so much out there that we can shape into an Arsenal of Healing.

You may just need to decide that you want to be a thriving, strong adult no matter what anyone else has or hasn't atoned for, apologized for, or admitted. It's like packing your bag and going on your first trip to the other side of the globe...alone.

When I took that frightening step, it opened up a whole new world for me -- and I still sometimes have trouble believing how good things are, and can still be. My family is still in its dark hole of denial, and I send them my prayers and loving thoughts, but I can't go down there with them any more.

Hugs to you -- glad you joined us!!! :ghug3
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Old 02-11-2009, 08:07 AM
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GL,
I realized too that I was hanging on to these events and abuses really tightly. They were so much a part of my identity, like a badge of honor: I have suffered, therefore I am. When I met people who had gotten past their childhoods and gone on to happy, mentally healthy lives, I was either contemptuous, disbelieving, or jealous as hell -- I didn't think I could ever get there. I didn't know if I WANTED to. Let go? How could I?
I think I am still doing this. Thanks for spelling it out.
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Old 02-11-2009, 05:50 PM
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I have really been firm with myself about this in the past few years, because it was really running my life (and screwing it up) for a long time. I know people who are just aghast at this article, but when I was ready to accept it, it was just what the doctor ordered for me:

Yes, it was awful -- now please shut up - CNN.com

I'm still practicing saying, "Okay. Bad things happened. I've worked through it and I understand. Not going back there again. Moving along now." It may take the rest of my life
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Old 02-12-2009, 07:06 AM
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It is hard hard hard to stop expecting them to understand. To stop expecting them to validate your pain, to apologize, to try to make you feel better. To stop wasting your energy trying to get them to see the light. I had a desire, for a long time, to hold up specific events and abuses and say "Look!! Look at this!! See what you did to me!! Why can't you admit it???" And I did.
I told my sister a few days ago "just admit you and mom have created a situation for dad where you are the only ones capable of taking care of him" I wanted her to acknowledge the role of "hero" she has in the family. Instead she turned it around to say "no one else wanted to help dad so she had too." That night I read these posts again and it hit me.
But your family is not ready to take this step yet. That cannot matter. You can't wait for them to catch up, or to "get it." You've got to move out into new territory yourself. It seems like you're waiting for your mom or your sister to catch up with you before you take the next step into healing......and I'm suggesting you may have to let them be whatever they are going to be, and move forward into a better life yourself.
The truth is my sister also want validation for her "hero" role in the family. The difference between me and the rest of my family is I want my life to be different. It hurts too much the way it is and I can finally admit it. When I strip the anger away I revert back to the little girl who felt like she never really mattered. For so long I wanted to ask my mother and father "Why didn't I matter to you?" "Why didn't you make me feel important and loved?" Now the only question I have to ask is to myself " If I recieved answers to these questions today would it help?" The answer is NO. There will never be a good enough answer. I finally get that.
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Old 02-12-2009, 11:48 AM
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Okay. Bad things happened. I've worked through it and I understand. Not going back there again. Moving along now.
There is a thin line between 'moving on' and denial. In my family, there was a strong tendency to 'just put it behind you' and 'its water over the dam'.

GL, reading that wonderful article gave me an insight into the difference between 'moving on' and denial - before we move on, we have to ask if we have learned anything. We all accept that bad things happen to good people and that suffering, pain, and horror can provide us, and maybe are intended to provide us, with important lessons.

Act 1) This is what happened to me.
(note that it doesn't require admission of guilt/complicity by others)
Act 2) What have we learned here? What lesson do we bring forward?
(I am powerless when I try to quit, try to change them, try to __________)
Act 3) We move on, with the lesson and not the guilt, anger, confusion, ect.
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Old 02-12-2009, 02:05 PM
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Brilliant thinking there, barn. I never thought of it that way!! It's like a three-act play. In my situation, the first act would be a tragedy, the second act would be a mystery (is she going to figure out how to become well?) and third act a triumphant love story with myself.

Still working on that third act.....LOL

Jety, these are really important steps you're taking. Trying to make sense of your family members' behaviors and judgments is like bashing your head against a wall. The wall is fine, but you end up hurt and bruised. What would it feel like to decide they're not worthy of this attention & importance you're giving them, and stop talking to them about it?

:ghug3
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Old 02-13-2009, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by jety75 View Post
I told my sister a few days ago "just admit you and mom have created a situation for dad where you are the only ones capable of taking care of him" I wanted her to acknowledge the role of "hero" she has in the family. Instead she turned it around to say "no one else wanted to help dad so she had too."
IMO getting her to acknowledge a role is too far a step at this point. It would strip away and belittle her hard work too fast. You could have asked her, "Why is it your job? There are so many people in the world who can take care of themselves. When will it be your job to take care of you?"

I've been in your older sister's shoes, and believe me when I say the GUILT is so great that to even think of wanting something for herself will make her feel like she is betraying your parents. Your parents have worked their charm on her, and have convinced her that if she ever leaves (or even changes her role) that it will all come crashing apart AND it will ALL BE HER FAULT. How can anyone live with something like that? She still trusts your parents to give her what she deserves - whether it is fair or not. And when it's unfair, she feels too selfish to speak up about it.

I have to say, what a lovely system of self-blame in your family

If you ever chat again, help her gain perspective. Acknowledge that she does work hard to keep the family going. But help her step outside the box. Afterall, it's her job because she was oldest and was born first right? How would she feel if YOU had been born first, thus taking over her job? How would her life work? Where would she fit? What would happen to her sense of identity - which right now is firmly entrenched in, "if I do this, my parents will love me." Maybe even acknowledge that it's not fair that she has to work so hard to feel loved. Ask her what would be fair? These are all things running in her subconscious that she probably hasn't even thought about. And believe me, your sister doesn't know how to think for herself. Try asking her, if mom and dad weren't around, what would you do/want? She won't know.

As for your younger sister, I bet each time she seeks to deal with her anger she's met with denial/resistance by the rest of her family - which really limits her ability to get out. Has she ever considered counselling (under the guise of helping her anger/depression)? A good counsellor will peel away those barriers of denial and help her get to the stem of her anger problems. I feel really sorry for her. Because of your toxic mom, I'm sure she believes that she is a jealous bitch and deserves her unhappiness. Her needs as a child to simply be loved have been long twisted into convincing her that those feelings are selfish and unnecessary. No wonder she hurts so much.

Try leaving her a copy of "Toxic Parents". If she's resistant, simply ask wouldn't she try anything - even something so simple as a book - to deal with her anger?

Stop me if I'm preaching too much here. I'm not trying to suggest that YOU can absolutely bring change into your sisters' lives. But I do believe you can leave doors open for them. After that it's up to them to make the choice to take the next step.
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Old 02-15-2009, 03:20 PM
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I've been in your older sister's shoes, and believe me when I say the GUILT is so great that to even think of wanting something for herself will make her feel like she is betraying your parents. Your parents have worked their charm on her, and have convinced her that if she ever leaves (or even changes her role) that it will all come crashing apart AND it will ALL BE HER FAULT. How can anyone live with something like that? She still trusts your parents to give her what she deserves - whether it is fair or not. And when it's unfair, she feels too selfish to speak up about it.
Are you sure your not my sister?...LOL
Thank-you for your insight. I needed to be reminded we are all victims of abuse. We just deal with it differently. I will buy the book and give it to my sister.

I have to say, what a lovely system of self-blame in your family
You have no idea. Actually I forget most people here do.
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