Psalm12140

Hello everyone:

I'm not sure where to start - or rather what to save for other postings, I suppose; this is my first experience with any kind of online support group.

Alcoholic mother, died shortly after I proposed to my fiancee. Only just now seeing the depth of the dysfunction in my choices in how I live life even though I've done couseling on/off for years. While I am experiencing some real hope and progress, what has come under the magnifying glass recently is my
deficiency in making a plan in realistic goals, committing to it and carrying it through - basic organizational life skills. This is essential as my wife and I are both striving to move forward professionally and as I drop the ball, it causes deep pain and mistrust. I've been so use to living life from one escape to the next- in essence, dealing only with the present circumstances with no vision for the future and diving into the latest SF novel on coffee breaks.

Can anyone else relate? I'm very interested in hearing other stories as to strategies people use to stay engaged in the present, staying organized, making sure they do what they say they're going to do.

LaDita

Welcome Psalm 12140!



This is a great topic! I have alot of difficulty in follow-through myself. I try to think of the rewards of following through with something over my usual M.O. of procrastinating. It just feels so much better afterward once you have done something you've been putting off/ignoring/escaping from. Even if the results aren't what you were expecting or wanting, at least you did it! I find that once I do something I've been putting off, it makes it easier to keep going forward and you eventually gain some momentum.

I hope this helps!

guiab

Welcome to SR, Psalm12140
If you read through the stickies at the top of this forum you may get some insight. The 'Characteristics of ACOA's' sticky has one identifying characteristic as the inability to follow through on commitments.
I have been going through the 12 steps in a Al-anon group and have gotten more insight on my procrastination (among other issues - both parents were alcoholic). I am getting some help by focusing on the present and not being distracted by my thoughts, as they tend to drift into the future, the past, and to rewriting the script of the present. In the present is where, for me, God's will can be found. God's will is that I get done what is best for me to get done.
Full disclosure: This technique and my recovery are a work in progress. You are doing well to see your problem and seek help.

jenn03

I agree with Grewupinabarn. You have to try and change things one step at a time. You have identified the problem - that is a GREAT step and you should be proud. Now start trying to change things little by little. Add one new "habit" into your daily life that will help you avoid procrastination or plan for the future and practice that until you have it down. It could be as small as making sure you sort through your mail each day. Or sit down and reflect on the day and plan tomorrow. Just add in one organizational/goal focused thing at a time and you will be amazed how much progress you will make quickly! I am still working on it, but I have used this "method" for about a year now and have come a LONG way!

GiveLove

Hi Psalm,

In addition to being ACoA (and perhaps examining how much of this comes from that condition) you might also think about your own personality type.

Have you ever done the Myers-Briggs type indicator? If you learn about it, you'll see that there are some types that are simply better at being "go-getters" than others, some that are good at starting things and some that are only good at finishing, some who are content to be quiet and some who have to keep pushing and pushing professionally.

Before you condemn yourself as being broken, it's worth exploring whether this is just the way you are. I know that I have no desire --- NONE whatsoever --- to climb the corporate ladder, or to fill all my time with advancement-creating activities. My life is slower than most, and I take a lot of time to think, to explore, to understand myself, and yes, to escape. I do just fine financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually --- it's just how I am. I would be a terrible fit for someone who was constantly expecting me to drive, drive, drive.

I enjoy the things I do, and I do the things I enjoy, and that keeps me interested in the present. Forcing myself to live someone else's idea of a productive life makes me bury myself in escapism - picture me hiding in a quiet cave somewhere, waiting for them to leave

When I want to move toward something different (like growing my small business, or making more money, etc.) I have to do it in small, carefully-considered steps that fit my style and that can be made FUN. And I get there. And I love my life.

What are the GOOD things about your life, and about the way you are? Tell us THAT story.

dolce7dolore

I think what Give Love said is very helpful and hopefully is for your situation.

My personality is the hero type. I live (working on making that lived) for my work and professional life. I am very good at planning for financial things far in the future and I have so many lists about different aspects of my life that many times they are on every paper. These are the very things that I am working on right now, so I don't know how much advice that I have to give. All I can say is that so far by understanding where my problems stem from, talking about it, seeking help, is helping me to make progress. Obviously you have been seeking help and are coming to realize how it effects your life and I do believe that you are taking the first steps in solving those aspects.

However, my follow through for personal and self-rewarding experiences, are very few. I love reading and it is something that I'm passionate about. More than half of my favorite books that I've begun I have never finished. It's sad really. I tell the few friends that I have that I will hang out with them a week from now and often do not follow through. These are the very things that I am addressing and working on right now, so I don't know if I have much advice for you. Hoping it helps you to know that you are not alone in these feelings. What I have found is that by acknowledging and understanding the problem, by talking about it, has helped me so far. Obviously you have acknowledged the problems and are talking about it, so I think you are making the necessary steps in recovery.

Psalm12140

Thanks, everyone, for your responses.

On "work on one thing at a time" strategy, I have found that to be helpful already- current goals are keeping the kitchen clean and
flossing regularly (how's that for a mundane confession? ) and can attest to how good it feels.

Interesting experience the other day- I was working on a remodel, fitting trim to a window- very attention-to-detail, meticulous work. I was also stressed out at the time and kept making little mistakes. Between my determination to finish the project (to follow through on my commitment made to complete it) and my inability to focus on finishing it well, I wasted the entirety of the trim and naturally the project remains unfinished. What I found was that my anxiety prevented me on focusing but my stubbornness prevented me from stopping.

Has anyone else found this tension at work in them- trying to follow through, unable to do so well, but refusing to stop?

SuperTrucker65

When I get to Stressing... I try and stop what I'm doing, and get out of those feelings, by Talking to a Friend, and/or My sponser, or praying, or reading from recovery literature, or all of the above... otherwise, I find it'll just get worse and worse!!

I hope this helps You!!

~Rob~

GiveLove

I have had times like that, and they bug the heck out of me. It's a result of growing up in a situation where there was a lot of stress, criticism, and anxiety, and not having the power to do anything about it. It's like those rats in a box where they get an electric shock at random but are powerless to stop it. They quickly get lethargic and cease to care about life.

There are scientists who study the science of "flow", where you're immersed in something, it is going smoothly, you're really interested and involved and lose track of time because things are going so well.

These situations are the OPPOSITE of flow. You quickly realize you're not in the rhythm, you're tense, not enjoying yourself, and down on yourself as a result.

Based on personal experience, when these things come up, I'd try thinking about a couple of things:

1) Admit this isn't a Good Window Trim Day and just stop. Give it a name -- a bad day, a bad fit, something -- and just pull back and leave it for now. I find I do my best work (in work, in home maintenance, whatever) when I'm calm, focused, and I want to be there.

2) If it happens all the time in certain areas, consider that maybe this isn't ever going to be one of those things you're good at. My husband is constitutionally unable to do woodwork or anything that involves great patience and precision. That's just a fact, and is no criticism of him. He does great stone work and brews great beer. Find your areas of passion and let the rest go.

3) Take up an activity like meditation, which will help you to calm your nerves, clear your mind, and do slow, methodical, precise things better.

The Creator did not make us all good at every single thing. Let yourself off the hook here, psalm.

And good luck on the flossing......I used to forget all the time and had to put a reminder in my computer's calendar.....sigh.

Psalm12140

Thanks, folks. It feels good to be empathised with! And yes indeed, not stopping when you need to makes it worse and worse.

I appreciate the comments about "flow", too. I feel the thing I need to practice is the art of stopping before I get locked in.

Psalm12140

PS - (As it happens, when I am in the flow, I'm perfectly decent at window trim days. Making it all the more maddening when something I'm good at is melting down around me. )

GiveLove

I know just what you mean.

Sometimes I just have to look at myself as I'd look at a kid - a good kid, a smart kid, who's trying her best to do things right.

If she's frustrated, nervous, angry with herself, keeps messing something up, I don't stand over her with a 2x4 forcing her to keep her nose to the grindstone. I don't call her lazy, stupid, or unmotivated. And yet I'll do those things to myself in a heartbeat.

When I am kind toward myself, I can see that there are just going to be some days where even the best I have to offer isn't going to cut it for some tasks, and the world is not going to come crashing down on me if I save it for a better time. I can smile at my best intentions, pat myself on the back, and send myself inside to float some Chips Ahoy in milk.

Small, measurable improvements, psalm. That'll get you there.
:ghug

Psalm12140

Hi y'all!

I've enjoyed some exchanges with other post-ers about struggling with anxiety when you're trying to get something done, and have really appreciated feedback about knowing when you need to step back. I'm curious about anything that's worked for people in the way of daily rituals for keeping oneself emotionally centered, dealing with anxiety before you get into a situation where you're in the "negative zone" of just plowing through something and reacting to everything around you.

For me, the closest I've gotten is trying to take a self-inventory during lulls in the day as they arise- self-examination, "is there anything I'm worried about?"
before stepping into whatever's coming next.

bragi

Well, I can tell you that perfectionism and procrastination are, I believe, very common features of ACoA life.

I know I've had a long history of starting projects excitedly, only to abandon them when they seem less "exciting," or lose some of their mystique or "sexiness of being new." Can you relate to that?

What I do that helps is to just pick something, and decide that I will complete it. Now, this isn't easy, and many times you'll question whether it's worth it to stick to something, and many times it won't feel "exciting," (we ACoAs love drama and emotional excitation, probably due to our chaotic households) but following something through to completion gives you a satisfaction that you just don't get anywhere else. It makes you a more solid, fleshed out person.

There's a kind of great emptiness in procrastinating and not following things through. Even if it's something you're annoyed with, if you stick to your commitment to completing it, the satisfaction you get from doing it - from saying "I did that, and I stuck to my word" - is unmatched.

bragi

I think that's actually a really good point, and remembering it, I believe, is one of the most powerful tools for getting through procrastinating.