littlebrr

My counselor suggested that I sit down and write my mom a letter. A letter that will be written, but never sent. After three attempts and much less anger, here goes...

Dear Mom,

I love you. I always have and I always will. You are and always will be my sun, my moon and my stars.

Sometimes I sit and try to remember the good times, happy thoughts and pleasant memories of you, but I can't. Those memories and thoughts started to fade a long time ago. I'm starting to forget what you were like before alcoholism consumed you. You were beautiful, vibrant, loving, happy and most of all, you were a mom. You were my mom. I'm starting to forget what your "real" smile looks like or what your laugh sounds like.

When I look at you now, I see a woman who is broken, a woman who no longer has a spirit or the will to live. I see you try to pretend that you're alright when we both know you aren't and you haven't been for some time. It breaks my heart into a million pieces to sit back and watch you slowly kill yourself. The hardest part to admit though... sometimes I wish that God would take you and your life would end so that you don't have to suffer anymore and so that I don't have to either.

My biggest fear as a child was the monster under my bed or the algebra test that I had coming up. My biggest fear as an adult is walking into your house and finding you dead. That's a reality for me and I accept that it might happen one day.

I love you, but I will not love you to death. You need help and until YOU decide to get that help I will no longer come to your rescue after you've had a "bad week." I will no longer make excuses for you. I will no longer accept calls from your boss asking if "she's having a bad week". I will no longer have the answers or excuses for your unaccountable actions. I will not see you, talk to you or be anywhere near you if you've been drinking or are drunk.

My future plans include a husband and children, your grandchildren. I so desperately want you in my life and in the lives of my future family, but until you get the help you so much deserve and need, you will not be included in those plans. I will never, ever let my children see, hear or witness some of things I've been subject to because of your drinking.

You've always been really good at putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own. For once, put yourself first and get help. You deserve a life that is full of happiness, love, warmth, family and friends. I believe in you. You've always believed in me and you always made me feel that I could single handedly conqure the world, well now, its my turn to cheer you on, but I can't do that until you're ready to get yourself some help. When you're finally ready, call me. I'll be there in a heartbeat to cheer you on.

I love you, mom. No matter what, I love you.

Love,

Kiddo

GiveLove

That's gorgeous, littlebrr.

Amazonqueen522

littlebrr:

All I would need to do is close my eyes and imagine my sons writing this letter to me. I want to thank you for your message it has opened my eyes as to what my sons must of been feeling everytime they saw me drunk or out of control. You cannot imagine how your message will help so many people, for me I can say it has, thank you.........

georgena

i am sat crying my heart out reading your letter im using drugs have been for 8 years my sons15 i guess he feels like you i try to block it out but i know im loosing him fast but dont thinkyour mum dosent love you because id die for my son but detox rehab is alot of moneu and if you havent got it youve got to struggle on no one can do it alone love always god bless x x x georgena

georgena

p.s i think your so strong wish i could give u a cuddle your so strong be brave take care of u dont hate your mum she never ment for this to happen

littlebrr

goergena (((BIG HUGS))) and thank you for sharing. I hope you get the help that you need and I will pray for you and yours every chance I get. I hope that your son also gets the help that he needs and releases all of his anger, hurt, frustration in order to be free.

I don't hate my mom. I love her with all my heart and soul. It kills me to watch her life deteriorate right before my eyes. I've concluded that I need to put boundaries in place and detach so that it's better for me in the long-run because when this disease finally takes her away from me, it won't hurt so much. It will hurt, no doubt, but I've accepted who she is and I just want her to know that I love her, no matter what. I tell her I love her every chance I get because that might just be the last time she hears it or that I get to say it. I've been through hell and back, but I won't let that be an excuse to ruin the rest of my life. I've found the love of my life, my soul mate, and it's made me realize that her situation was affecting me more than I realized. I so desperately want her to be a part of my future, but that's her decision. I am taking a proactive approach to heal my heart, my soul and my mind. The rest, is up to her.

jenn03

littlebrr... be proud of your self!! that letter is AMAZING!!! the choices you are making for you life are AMAZING!!! i am proud of you! (((HUGS))) i have been there. about 4 years ago, i made that same decision with my mom; infact your letter fits my past situation almost word for word. the drinking did finally kill her at 41 and i can honestly sit here and tell you i am at peace. of course it hurt, but i knew that i did all i could, and i let her live her life. i moved on with mine and started a family that knows nothing of that pain. i will miss her, i miss the mom she was before alcoholism took over, but i'm ok and will continue to be!! and YOU my dear, will be ok too, because you obviously have some AMAZING strength. may God continue to bless you as you take care of you!!!!

Kallista

AA, NA, Rational Recovery, Women for Sobriety, Secular Organizations for Sobriety are all free.

You don't have to live this way.

frances2

That is a very good letter and really reminds me of my very good friend and what she is dealing with. I have a question though - why won't/can't you send the letter? Is it just that you don't think it would make any difference? I said to my mother the other day (my friend's mom is a good friend of my mom) that maybe I would send my friend's mom a letter - I've not talked to her about her problem but of course my friend and my mom have. I don't know. I guess I'm just wondering if it could help. It is frustrating trying to figure out what "it" is that will do the trick and get her to stop drinking. She is killing herself and will surely die from this if she doesn't stop. But she is no longer the person we knew, just like you and your mom. My heart goes out to you (and my friend, and my mom who is going crazy trying to think of what she can do to help her friend)

tromboneliness

You don't send this type of letter -- you just write it, put it in a drawer or on your desk for awhile, then toss it in the shredder. That's because the "recipient" is not going to be listening.

My sister recently wrote such a letter to my Dad, an 89-year-old alcoholic raging control freak tyrant -- but unfortunately, she put a stamp on it and sent it. My Dad, predictably, reacted with a fit of rage. He got over it, but it did not change him in any way -- at least not for the better.

The whole thing about this program is that we are powerless over people, places, and things. We can change ourselves, but we can't change others.

If that sounds weird, I like to turn it around and ask myself, how many people are there who can change me, just by saying, "Hey, you should stop doing XYZ, and start doing ABC. You'd be a much better person if you did ABC, and we'd all like you better." Is there anyone who can do that to me? No way! So who am I to think I can write my Dad a letter and get him to give up booze, stop smoking, stop being such a *******, be nice to us, and be a good father all of a sudden at the age of 89?

T

littlebrr

Well, I didn't send the letter and I won't because at this point, I'm taking care of me. I wrote the letter to make myself feel better. Since she won't listen to me or hear what I'm saying, it's a sort of release to "own my feelings" and acknowledge that it's okay to feel this way. It's a way for me to "get it all out" and be done with it. Chapter closed, on to the next. I've said everything that's in that letter to her and nothing has changed. Plus, I don't want the disappointment if I did send the letter, hoping, praying that she'd finally listen when deep down inside I know she won't.

Aesakitty

I wrote a very similar letter to my mother a few months ago, except I sent mine. I wrote it as closure for myself. I sent it because it would be my last attempt to point out her issues to her. It was also my final good bye. I am really glad to read your letter, and see someone else with many of the same feelings I have delt with. Thank you for sharing.

dolce7dolore

This letter of yours really hit me. It has a lot of things in it that I am just starting to be able to feel and acknowledge. It actually really scares me. Thank you for posting this though, it helped.