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I am new here...I have always known something wasn't right with me. I have severe trust issues among other things. I always make sure everyone else is happy and don't care about myself as much. I am constantly not finishing things I start...I don't think I have ever followed through with anything. I know my father is an alcoholic. Always has been, he was in and out of my life from the age of 7. Mostly out. I reconnected with him with the hopes of finding some kind of closure but it didn't help. He is still the POS I have always remembered him to be. Now, I have realized how much my mom and step father drink. I never realized it before, I knew they drank, but had no idea the extent. I don't have very many memories of my home life before about 16. I'm only 24, I can remember somethings from when I was 3 but very little between 3-16. Is that normal?
At first when I started to come to realize something was wrong with me I just thought it was because of my father taking off when I was little. Thought I just had abandonment issues, then one day I was searching the internet and came across ACOA characteristics and they are almost all me, I couldn't believe it when I read it. It was a relief to know that what I'm feeling isn't crazy. I bought an ACOA book and can't believe how much of myself I see in the book, it's amazing.
I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, we have quite the history together. I need help, I know I need help. I am codependent and I am going to ruin my relationship. He has done really well with his drinking, though sometimes I think he forgets how serious the situation once was and downplays it. I just really need to do something before I destroy what I love. If I could afford to see someone I would, without a doubt. I am a psych major (HA!) and plan to open up my own substance abuse treatment center in hopefully the near future. I know I need help. I don't know where to turn so I googled ACOA forums and it brought me here.
Anyway Thanks for listening or reading anyway, I just really need to talk.
At first when I started to come to realize something was wrong with me I just thought it was because of my father taking off when I was little. Thought I just had abandonment issues, then one day I was searching the internet and came across ACOA characteristics and they are almost all me, I couldn't believe it when I read it. It was a relief to know that what I'm feeling isn't crazy. I bought an ACOA book and can't believe how much of myself I see in the book, it's amazing.
I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic, we have quite the history together. I need help, I know I need help. I am codependent and I am going to ruin my relationship. He has done really well with his drinking, though sometimes I think he forgets how serious the situation once was and downplays it. I just really need to do something before I destroy what I love. If I could afford to see someone I would, without a doubt. I am a psych major (HA!) and plan to open up my own substance abuse treatment center in hopefully the near future. I know I need help. I don't know where to turn so I googled ACOA forums and it brought me here.
Anyway Thanks for listening or reading anyway, I just really need to talk.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi brity,
This is a great place to talk. People "get it" here and they know exactly what you're feeling, so I'm glad you found us.
If you're in college, there is a better-than-average chance that your campus offers free psych services. Also, there are free CODA groups all over the country (see http://www.codependents.org/ ), and tons of therapists who offer their services on a sliding scale.
I say all of that because it wasn't until I started actively working with a counselor that I really started to move the big rocks of my codependency and my ACoA legacy. I refused to do it for the longest time -- I've had a psych background too and it seemed ridiculous -- but when I did, the ice finally started to break up and I started making real progress. Consider examining your finances and seeing where you could free up enough money to spend even an hour every other week with a counselor. (My breakthrough came when I realized that if I added up all my tall lattes over two weeks, I could've spent that on a counseling session instead)
You may be shocked at how much it helps, over and above the "book work" you're doing. Welcome to SR - keep posting!
(you may also find good support over at the Friends & Family of Alcoholics board on this forum.......those folks have a ton of experience living with codependency and alcoholism in all its forms)
Hugs,
GL
This is a great place to talk. People "get it" here and they know exactly what you're feeling, so I'm glad you found us.
If you're in college, there is a better-than-average chance that your campus offers free psych services. Also, there are free CODA groups all over the country (see http://www.codependents.org/ ), and tons of therapists who offer their services on a sliding scale.
I say all of that because it wasn't until I started actively working with a counselor that I really started to move the big rocks of my codependency and my ACoA legacy. I refused to do it for the longest time -- I've had a psych background too and it seemed ridiculous -- but when I did, the ice finally started to break up and I started making real progress. Consider examining your finances and seeing where you could free up enough money to spend even an hour every other week with a counselor. (My breakthrough came when I realized that if I added up all my tall lattes over two weeks, I could've spent that on a counseling session instead)
You may be shocked at how much it helps, over and above the "book work" you're doing. Welcome to SR - keep posting!
(you may also find good support over at the Friends & Family of Alcoholics board on this forum.......those folks have a ton of experience living with codependency and alcoholism in all its forms)
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Welcome to SR, brity2701! Feel free to talk. You're not alone 
My reply also addresses what you posted in "memories - can anyone relate?"
I second finding the time/fiances for a counsellor. I always wanted to put some healthy space between me and my slowly toxifying family (AF, codie mom, lots of drinking-related drama). But I could not envision how I would even start. First I had to deal with the heavy baggage holding me in my place with the family dynamics. I had to realize how *I* was contributing to my own current state.
My mom also told me I was like my father when I was a kid, and I also hated it because I didn't know what I was doing to be like the man she was always angry at. I guess it justified when she took her anger out on me. I know she did try to talk to him about how his drunken weekend-long absenses frustrated her, but he would deny that he was doing anything wrong in "relieving all the stress" of his life that apparently suffered unparalleled difficulties. So I remember growing up in an environment where my dad was absent and my mom's explosive temper could snap anytime.
Recently I have made some steps to really *change* myself in relation to my family; one action was to physically distance myself. Like you, I am DONE playing the parent to two adults locked in their whirlwind of dysfunctional dynamics. I am done being called to come home on a bus and mediate fights. I've also found that since I moved, memories are coming back to me now in full colour. These memories used to be more like observations. Sure I remember being beaten by my mom, but I never connected the pain, vulnerability, and frustration I felt because I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. I am still *realizing* just how my AF's drinking truly impacted me.
I started seeing a counsellor long before the plan to move away was realized. She picked up on my guilt issues immediately, and helped me reason through them (as it was my ACoA guilt that kept me immobilized from making real change). It also helped tremendously just to talk face-to-face with someone about how much pain I was holding in (without feeling like I was burdening someone; she was there for me to talk to exactly this, and having that permission helped). This was pain that (like you and trying to find closure with your father) I was constantly waiting to be relieved by a big "sorry" from my dad.
In my last emotional conversation with my AF, as I tried to explain to him that I need him to be sorry so that I can let go of my anger/resentment/pain, he asked me verbatim: "how can I be responsible for what I don't remember?" As far as he's concerned, because he doesn't remember driving me home while drunk, or blurting out embarrassing stories to visitors during family gatherings, he's not responsible for how that made me feel. He's also not responsible for listening to my emotional woes; he only ever wants to hear about my success, so he can believe in his triumphant success as a father (so very ironic! I don't even own my own success in my family - I owe it all to him). His denial just made me ever sicker inside - to the point where I could not physically handle being in the same room with him without struggling to not explode. I really had to learn to find closure outside of him, because clearly he was not capable of giving it to me.
I think your childhood memories are there, buried away. But I think some will surface once you're in a place where you can cope with them. You're still just realizing that your experiences are not entirely unique; that other people has suffered similar setbacks and coped similarly. You're probably still assessing how your family is having an impact on you now; how you've been shaped by their behavior. This will take some time, especially as you continue to read. If you haven't seen them yet, the "The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love" and "Perfect Daughters" may be very helpful for you.
When you're ready, please feel free to elaborate on your story. What is your relationship with your mom and step-dad now? Posting your ideas/revelations/stories here will be very helpful for other people reading here and going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing already
My reply also addresses what you posted in "memories - can anyone relate?"
I second finding the time/fiances for a counsellor. I always wanted to put some healthy space between me and my slowly toxifying family (AF, codie mom, lots of drinking-related drama). But I could not envision how I would even start. First I had to deal with the heavy baggage holding me in my place with the family dynamics. I had to realize how *I* was contributing to my own current state.
My mom also told me I was like my father when I was a kid, and I also hated it because I didn't know what I was doing to be like the man she was always angry at. I guess it justified when she took her anger out on me. I know she did try to talk to him about how his drunken weekend-long absenses frustrated her, but he would deny that he was doing anything wrong in "relieving all the stress" of his life that apparently suffered unparalleled difficulties. So I remember growing up in an environment where my dad was absent and my mom's explosive temper could snap anytime.
Recently I have made some steps to really *change* myself in relation to my family; one action was to physically distance myself. Like you, I am DONE playing the parent to two adults locked in their whirlwind of dysfunctional dynamics. I am done being called to come home on a bus and mediate fights. I've also found that since I moved, memories are coming back to me now in full colour. These memories used to be more like observations. Sure I remember being beaten by my mom, but I never connected the pain, vulnerability, and frustration I felt because I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. I am still *realizing* just how my AF's drinking truly impacted me.
I started seeing a counsellor long before the plan to move away was realized. She picked up on my guilt issues immediately, and helped me reason through them (as it was my ACoA guilt that kept me immobilized from making real change). It also helped tremendously just to talk face-to-face with someone about how much pain I was holding in (without feeling like I was burdening someone; she was there for me to talk to exactly this, and having that permission helped). This was pain that (like you and trying to find closure with your father) I was constantly waiting to be relieved by a big "sorry" from my dad.
In my last emotional conversation with my AF, as I tried to explain to him that I need him to be sorry so that I can let go of my anger/resentment/pain, he asked me verbatim: "how can I be responsible for what I don't remember?" As far as he's concerned, because he doesn't remember driving me home while drunk, or blurting out embarrassing stories to visitors during family gatherings, he's not responsible for how that made me feel. He's also not responsible for listening to my emotional woes; he only ever wants to hear about my success, so he can believe in his triumphant success as a father (so very ironic! I don't even own my own success in my family - I owe it all to him). His denial just made me ever sicker inside - to the point where I could not physically handle being in the same room with him without struggling to not explode. I really had to learn to find closure outside of him, because clearly he was not capable of giving it to me.
I think your childhood memories are there, buried away. But I think some will surface once you're in a place where you can cope with them. You're still just realizing that your experiences are not entirely unique; that other people has suffered similar setbacks and coped similarly. You're probably still assessing how your family is having an impact on you now; how you've been shaped by their behavior. This will take some time, especially as you continue to read. If you haven't seen them yet, the "The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love" and "Perfect Daughters" may be very helpful for you.
When you're ready, please feel free to elaborate on your story. What is your relationship with your mom and step-dad now? Posting your ideas/revelations/stories here will be very helpful for other people reading here and going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing already
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 4
Thank you both for responding. I have read the sourcebook and am looking at getting the perfect daughters next.
As far as elaborating...here goes, but it may be long. My relationship with my mom and my step father (who I will in here and always do refer to as "my parents") is OK. I live in GA and they in NC but before that they lived in MD and I in GA. I haven't lived with them in or even in the same state with them for 6 years. I moved out shortly after turning 18 and stayed in MD for a short period in time and then moved here to GA. So I don't have to deal with it on a day to day basis, which is probably what makes the relationship decent.
I always knew something wasn't right with me. I could see how different my emotions were from my friends. I grew up at a very young age. I learned very young to stay away from drugs and alcohol because I saw the effects. When I was really young I just thought alcohol makes your father leave. Very young I vowed to stay away from that stuff. I drink every once in a blue moon but not often, I don't ever want to chance myself going down that same path. My mom worked in a methadone clinic when I was around 10 or 11 or so and she would take me in there on my days off from school. I saw the effects that heroin and other drugs have. Those two things kept me in line throughout life.
I also always knew that my abandonment issues and trust issues were probably a product of my father taking off. And although I have only a few memories of my father actually drinking in front of me (really I only have a few memories of my father in general) I know he is an alcoholic. I thought that because my father was so absent most of my life that I couldn't have any issues from him drinking when I was younger. I never made any connection really until I read the Sourcebook. It's like someone took my entire emotional make-up and wrote it in a book. It was as if someone took my actions, my emotions, my feelings, my entire being and stuck in right in a book for everyone to read. I was amazed, and felt like maybe there was a reason I felt so screwed up inside.
I wrote about what happened as far as my father being around off and on in another thread in family and friends about writing a letter to him.
Ugh, getting off track here...my parents. My step father started out really great. When his father died in 1998 he just changed almost overnight it seemed. He became cynical, angry, mean, sarcastic. Him and I didn't get along much after 1998 until now. He is back to who he was prior to 1998. We have a decent relationship. My mother and I are on good terms now. There was a period of time a few years ago where she wouldn't speak to me for months because I wasn't doing exactly what she wanted me to do. I wasn't with the man she thought I should be with and wasn't living my life the way she thought was the right way. She has always been that way. If it made her happy it was ok and she was great. If it was something that made me happy she was not supportive and just critisized me.
I am so confused about my childhood and what makes me the way I am today because I am missing so much of my memories. I know now how much my parents drink. My grandfather is very much against drinking as his father was an alcoholic, drove drunk, crashed and was in the bed for 6 months. My grandpa had to drop out of school at 17 to care for his parents and his 7 brothers and sisters. So when my mom goes to visit my grandparents she stays in a hotel so that she can bring her vodka and go back to the room and drink. She stayed with me for a few months, worked nights at the hospital. She would come home at 8am after working 12 hours and driving an hour home from work and have a screwdriver...because she needed to relax so she could get some sleep. When she doesn't have it she is angry. I think she's drunk every night, I know she drinks every night but I don't know how much. My oldest daughter loves her to death, thats her favorite person in the world. I trust my mom with my kids, she wouldn't ever do anything to hurt them, but I will tread carefully as they start getting older.
I don't know how much my parents drank when I was growing up. I remember being on vacation more than once and them drinking at like 8 or 9 in the morning saying oh we're on vacation it's ok. I think my mom's favorite saying is "it's five o'clock somewhere." I also remember spending a lot of time in my room with the door closed. Not interacting very much with them. Other then that I don't remember much about my home life with them. I wish I could remember more, I know there's more memories in there.
As far as my father is concerned now, I am done with him. I am done with his lies, his tears, his empty promises and words. I am done with it. I am past caring what happens to him or where his life leads. I know I will never get anything from him that I need. I looked for closure but didn't get it, and that's ok because I wasn't expecting it from him. He has been gone enough for me to not get my hopes up about anything. I told him never to contact me again for anything in June of 2008, so far I haven't heard from him.
Now I am at a point where I know there's something wrong. My husband isn't perfect by any means and he has his problems as well but I am going to be the one to ruin this relationship. He has lied to me, the big thing he lied about was almost 3 years ago now, and I still don't trust him. But I think after 3 years I should be able to move on. I always think he is going to hurt me, cheat on me, or leave. I am constantly worried about things like that. It's not just him I don't trust, I don't trust anyone. If he's not happy, I'm not happy. I do so much to make sure everyone is taken care of and don't do anything for myself. He'll ask me if I did something small and stupid and I'll say yes even if I didn't so I don't upset him. I have serious abandonment issues, I start freaking out if I don't hear from him when I should. I HATE change especially when I wasn't a part of the decision that led to the change. I get really angry and upset when I probably shouldn't, things that other people just let roll off their backs. I need reassurance constantly, with out it I don't feel like I'm doing things right.
I guess that's it for now, I don't even know if my rambling rant makes any sense. I just have so much I need to get out. I need to talk so badly.
I will see about seeing someone if I can. Finances are tight not only because of the economy but because our youngest is 2 months old and I am a stay at home mom. I do go to college but I go online. My University is in Maryland, so I can't go there.
As far as elaborating...here goes, but it may be long. My relationship with my mom and my step father (who I will in here and always do refer to as "my parents") is OK. I live in GA and they in NC but before that they lived in MD and I in GA. I haven't lived with them in or even in the same state with them for 6 years. I moved out shortly after turning 18 and stayed in MD for a short period in time and then moved here to GA. So I don't have to deal with it on a day to day basis, which is probably what makes the relationship decent.
I always knew something wasn't right with me. I could see how different my emotions were from my friends. I grew up at a very young age. I learned very young to stay away from drugs and alcohol because I saw the effects. When I was really young I just thought alcohol makes your father leave. Very young I vowed to stay away from that stuff. I drink every once in a blue moon but not often, I don't ever want to chance myself going down that same path. My mom worked in a methadone clinic when I was around 10 or 11 or so and she would take me in there on my days off from school. I saw the effects that heroin and other drugs have. Those two things kept me in line throughout life.
I also always knew that my abandonment issues and trust issues were probably a product of my father taking off. And although I have only a few memories of my father actually drinking in front of me (really I only have a few memories of my father in general) I know he is an alcoholic. I thought that because my father was so absent most of my life that I couldn't have any issues from him drinking when I was younger. I never made any connection really until I read the Sourcebook. It's like someone took my entire emotional make-up and wrote it in a book. It was as if someone took my actions, my emotions, my feelings, my entire being and stuck in right in a book for everyone to read. I was amazed, and felt like maybe there was a reason I felt so screwed up inside.
I wrote about what happened as far as my father being around off and on in another thread in family and friends about writing a letter to him.
Ugh, getting off track here...my parents. My step father started out really great. When his father died in 1998 he just changed almost overnight it seemed. He became cynical, angry, mean, sarcastic. Him and I didn't get along much after 1998 until now. He is back to who he was prior to 1998. We have a decent relationship. My mother and I are on good terms now. There was a period of time a few years ago where she wouldn't speak to me for months because I wasn't doing exactly what she wanted me to do. I wasn't with the man she thought I should be with and wasn't living my life the way she thought was the right way. She has always been that way. If it made her happy it was ok and she was great. If it was something that made me happy she was not supportive and just critisized me.
I am so confused about my childhood and what makes me the way I am today because I am missing so much of my memories. I know now how much my parents drink. My grandfather is very much against drinking as his father was an alcoholic, drove drunk, crashed and was in the bed for 6 months. My grandpa had to drop out of school at 17 to care for his parents and his 7 brothers and sisters. So when my mom goes to visit my grandparents she stays in a hotel so that she can bring her vodka and go back to the room and drink. She stayed with me for a few months, worked nights at the hospital. She would come home at 8am after working 12 hours and driving an hour home from work and have a screwdriver...because she needed to relax so she could get some sleep. When she doesn't have it she is angry. I think she's drunk every night, I know she drinks every night but I don't know how much. My oldest daughter loves her to death, thats her favorite person in the world. I trust my mom with my kids, she wouldn't ever do anything to hurt them, but I will tread carefully as they start getting older.
I don't know how much my parents drank when I was growing up. I remember being on vacation more than once and them drinking at like 8 or 9 in the morning saying oh we're on vacation it's ok. I think my mom's favorite saying is "it's five o'clock somewhere." I also remember spending a lot of time in my room with the door closed. Not interacting very much with them. Other then that I don't remember much about my home life with them. I wish I could remember more, I know there's more memories in there.
As far as my father is concerned now, I am done with him. I am done with his lies, his tears, his empty promises and words. I am done with it. I am past caring what happens to him or where his life leads. I know I will never get anything from him that I need. I looked for closure but didn't get it, and that's ok because I wasn't expecting it from him. He has been gone enough for me to not get my hopes up about anything. I told him never to contact me again for anything in June of 2008, so far I haven't heard from him.
Now I am at a point where I know there's something wrong. My husband isn't perfect by any means and he has his problems as well but I am going to be the one to ruin this relationship. He has lied to me, the big thing he lied about was almost 3 years ago now, and I still don't trust him. But I think after 3 years I should be able to move on. I always think he is going to hurt me, cheat on me, or leave. I am constantly worried about things like that. It's not just him I don't trust, I don't trust anyone. If he's not happy, I'm not happy. I do so much to make sure everyone is taken care of and don't do anything for myself. He'll ask me if I did something small and stupid and I'll say yes even if I didn't so I don't upset him. I have serious abandonment issues, I start freaking out if I don't hear from him when I should. I HATE change especially when I wasn't a part of the decision that led to the change. I get really angry and upset when I probably shouldn't, things that other people just let roll off their backs. I need reassurance constantly, with out it I don't feel like I'm doing things right.
I guess that's it for now, I don't even know if my rambling rant makes any sense. I just have so much I need to get out. I need to talk so badly.
I will see about seeing someone if I can. Finances are tight not only because of the economy but because our youngest is 2 months old and I am a stay at home mom. I do go to college but I go online. My University is in Maryland, so I can't go there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 14
You should be able to find a counselor that does a sliding scale. They will consider your income, how many people you have in the family, etc. I take my nephew who we are adopting and we pay only $15 a session. I would certainly suggest it! I too only started discovering the emotional scars I had when working with a counselor one-on-one. You're on the right path. You will not figure it all out in a day. And you won't find healing in a day, it is process. Your memories, understanding and steps in recovery will come, just give it time. Like I said, you are on the right path!
Welcome, I hope you find what you need here!
Welcome, I hope you find what you need here!
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