My Mom's Personal He$$
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 72
My Mom's Personal He$$
So I've posted here off and it's helped in the past. I usually write novels here, so my apologies. Here's the situation:
I'm 19 years old and in my second year of college, my brother is 17 and still living with my parents. Thankfully he's got a loving girlfriend whom he adores to help him through everything. My parents, and especially my mom, are what I call night drunks. My dad binge drinks around 4 nights a week (his days off) but becomes a jolly and very stupid drunk. My mom on the other hand becomes... what I call "evil-mom" and drinks about 7 beers/night 6 days/week.
She and my dad have had problems since I can remember and she's finally divorcing and kicking him out. My dad comes from a very decent and loving family--a normal family--and although he has made horrible decisions and is rather lazy, he's a pretty stable person, by far the stronger of the two. My mom comes from a family of crazy drunks. From over-hearing conversations from my cousins/aunts/etc., my grandparents were at one point swingers, and gloated about it to their kids, my aunt was molested by her uncle and they did nothing once they found out years later, my mom was hit by a car at age 16 and they did nothing. You get the picture. I can't help but hate the whole lot of her family (besides one of her sisters, the abused one, who is a great person). I just don't think some things should be forgiven, especially when they do not repent at all (I'm not religious). And on top of everything, they demean her every time they're around her and couldn't care less. I've seen it for about three years now and I'm considering cutting off all contact with them.
My grandparents check up on their two other daughters, but not on my mother. Even now, when in the moment of her crisis, of this divorce, they are siding with my father. What the hell kind of parents do that? I'm pretty angry at my mom right now for divorcing my dad and screwing over my brother's soon-to-be last year of high school, but what is that? I do think often about myself and how my childhood has been affected, but I can't help but think about my mom when these situations arise. I talked her into therapy, told her about how horrible I think her family is, and what does she do? Talks only about how "horrible" my father is. I doubt she'll ever seek the help she needs. I've given up hope for quite some time now, but still I can't help but be angry about so many things, about her life being so wrecked. Is this normal? Should I be focusing on her this much, especially when I know how much I need to work through?
Back to my brother. The poor kid is going through a lot right now. He doesn't know what he wants to do in life, he's trying to help his girlfriend with her family problems (the dad is craaazy), and my dad wants nothing more than to help keep his life as normal (meaning, as regular) as usual. My brother will be living in the house I grew up in with my mom, and my dad will be in town for about 6 months until he retires. He always talks to me, and generally laughs about things and blows them off. We help each other. He won't talk to me. He says he's done talking, done. My dad says he still studies as hard as ever, so I'm glad about that. But I'm scared for him.
And then there's my dad! He seems like the victim in this and all he's done is try to be there for my mom, and believe me, he's put up with a lot of crap from her. And he's a people-person and is already going to miss being around everyone.
This can't be healthy for me... but it always happens. I can't just focus on my own problem and how I'm doing throughout this situation. I suppose I'm the mediator... anybody have any suggestions?
I'm 19 years old and in my second year of college, my brother is 17 and still living with my parents. Thankfully he's got a loving girlfriend whom he adores to help him through everything. My parents, and especially my mom, are what I call night drunks. My dad binge drinks around 4 nights a week (his days off) but becomes a jolly and very stupid drunk. My mom on the other hand becomes... what I call "evil-mom" and drinks about 7 beers/night 6 days/week.
She and my dad have had problems since I can remember and she's finally divorcing and kicking him out. My dad comes from a very decent and loving family--a normal family--and although he has made horrible decisions and is rather lazy, he's a pretty stable person, by far the stronger of the two. My mom comes from a family of crazy drunks. From over-hearing conversations from my cousins/aunts/etc., my grandparents were at one point swingers, and gloated about it to their kids, my aunt was molested by her uncle and they did nothing once they found out years later, my mom was hit by a car at age 16 and they did nothing. You get the picture. I can't help but hate the whole lot of her family (besides one of her sisters, the abused one, who is a great person). I just don't think some things should be forgiven, especially when they do not repent at all (I'm not religious). And on top of everything, they demean her every time they're around her and couldn't care less. I've seen it for about three years now and I'm considering cutting off all contact with them.
My grandparents check up on their two other daughters, but not on my mother. Even now, when in the moment of her crisis, of this divorce, they are siding with my father. What the hell kind of parents do that? I'm pretty angry at my mom right now for divorcing my dad and screwing over my brother's soon-to-be last year of high school, but what is that? I do think often about myself and how my childhood has been affected, but I can't help but think about my mom when these situations arise. I talked her into therapy, told her about how horrible I think her family is, and what does she do? Talks only about how "horrible" my father is. I doubt she'll ever seek the help she needs. I've given up hope for quite some time now, but still I can't help but be angry about so many things, about her life being so wrecked. Is this normal? Should I be focusing on her this much, especially when I know how much I need to work through?
Back to my brother. The poor kid is going through a lot right now. He doesn't know what he wants to do in life, he's trying to help his girlfriend with her family problems (the dad is craaazy), and my dad wants nothing more than to help keep his life as normal (meaning, as regular) as usual. My brother will be living in the house I grew up in with my mom, and my dad will be in town for about 6 months until he retires. He always talks to me, and generally laughs about things and blows them off. We help each other. He won't talk to me. He says he's done talking, done. My dad says he still studies as hard as ever, so I'm glad about that. But I'm scared for him.
And then there's my dad! He seems like the victim in this and all he's done is try to be there for my mom, and believe me, he's put up with a lot of crap from her. And he's a people-person and is already going to miss being around everyone.
This can't be healthy for me... but it always happens. I can't just focus on my own problem and how I'm doing throughout this situation. I suppose I'm the mediator... anybody have any suggestions?
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 163
Oh, dear.
My family is sort of similar to yours (alcoholic/addicted mother), father who spent too many hours at his business and not enough with the family, insane and addicted families, sexual abuse, mental health problems, etc. My parents divorced when I was 17.
Here's what I learned about my parents' divorce: My mother is an alcoholic/addict and behaved very badly. My mother's family sided with my father in the divorce, mostly because of their own alcoholic/addict dramas. They behaved badly and I don't excuse them for it. The important lesson for me in that was to know that I can't trust these people and they'll never have my back in a crisis. My father wasn't completely innocent, either, however. He was definitely more interested in taking care of his business then taking care of his family. He also behaved badly. She had some legitimate complaints about him. I love him anyway, but he didn't really do a good job as a parent or a husband. I mostly have "no comment" when my parents talk about each other. They need to vent sometimes, and do it at me, but it's not really appropriate to put me in the middle like that, so I stay out of it. I can't choose my mom over my dad or my dad over my mom, no matter how big an addict she is.
I also learned that it does me no good to mediate between a parent and one of my brothers. I just get upset and I really can't help much. All I can do is give the most fair advice I can to both sides and then stay the hell out of the way while other family members work it out. I give advice to my younger brothers, but then I let them decide to take it or leave it. It's not my job to run their lives or find solutions for them. If I have ideas, I contribute them, and then let them figure out their own solutions. I had to learn that what seems like a great solution to me, might not be the best solution for my brother, because they have concerns that I'm not aware of.
Good luck.
My family is sort of similar to yours (alcoholic/addicted mother), father who spent too many hours at his business and not enough with the family, insane and addicted families, sexual abuse, mental health problems, etc. My parents divorced when I was 17.
Here's what I learned about my parents' divorce: My mother is an alcoholic/addict and behaved very badly. My mother's family sided with my father in the divorce, mostly because of their own alcoholic/addict dramas. They behaved badly and I don't excuse them for it. The important lesson for me in that was to know that I can't trust these people and they'll never have my back in a crisis. My father wasn't completely innocent, either, however. He was definitely more interested in taking care of his business then taking care of his family. He also behaved badly. She had some legitimate complaints about him. I love him anyway, but he didn't really do a good job as a parent or a husband. I mostly have "no comment" when my parents talk about each other. They need to vent sometimes, and do it at me, but it's not really appropriate to put me in the middle like that, so I stay out of it. I can't choose my mom over my dad or my dad over my mom, no matter how big an addict she is.
I also learned that it does me no good to mediate between a parent and one of my brothers. I just get upset and I really can't help much. All I can do is give the most fair advice I can to both sides and then stay the hell out of the way while other family members work it out. I give advice to my younger brothers, but then I let them decide to take it or leave it. It's not my job to run their lives or find solutions for them. If I have ideas, I contribute them, and then let them figure out their own solutions. I had to learn that what seems like a great solution to me, might not be the best solution for my brother, because they have concerns that I'm not aware of.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by Kallista 
I had to learn that what seems like a great solution to me, might not be the best solution for my brother, because they have concerns that I'm not aware of.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by Kallista
I also learned that it does me no good to mediate between a parent and one of my brothers. I just get upset and I really can't help much. All I can do is give the most fair advice I can to both sides and then stay the hell out of the way while other family members work it out. I give advice to my younger brothers, but then I let them decide to take it or leave it. It's not my job to run their lives or find solutions for them. If I have ideas, I contribute them, and then let them figure out their own solutions. I had to learn that what seems like a great solution to me, might not be the best solution for my brother, because they have concerns that I'm not aware of.
Good luck.
Good luck.
I also have a good relationship with my 16 year old brother, and we talk amidst ourselves. I do it sometimes in fun ways, i.e. suggesting ways to butter mom and dad up to get what he wants. Without lecturing, I also let him know some of what I learned the hard way. I'm still young enough that I'm not "old and don't know what I'm talking about." Depends on your relationship with your brother, but no matter what your relationship with your parents, you can still be a support to him. Especially given how close you are in age.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
