My Story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
My Story
I started writing a chapter in my book about my relationship with my mother this morning and then I came here and decided that maybe it's time to tell my story. I've been focused on my own sobriety so much lately, that I guess I put the childhood stuff on the back-burner but I think I'm ready now.
My parents were never married, they met at a crazy dive bar and had a tumultuous violence-ridden 'relationship' for six months until my dad (who was addicted to cncaine at the time) went to prison for five years for holding up a grocery store. I didn't meet him until I was five years old. Even as my five-year-old mind could tell, there was something 'not right' about this man.
At that time my mom was drinking heavily, getting into all kinds of dysfunctional short-term relationships with men and coming home so drunk she couldn't even walk to the front door of our house.
My older sister (from a previous marriage my mom had) had to pull her inside and put her bed and put a pan down by the bed almost nightly.
I can't imagine what that must have been like for an eight year old.
Now that I look at it, I think my sister repressed alot of that.
My mom was basically incompetent, too sick and hung-over to take us to school so my older sister pretty much raised us. Often times we didn't go to school at all, and just hung out in our pajama's all day, watching TV and fending for ourselves.
My dad had gotten a good job and was trying to get his life back together and at one point decided he wanted full custody of me, especially with what he knew about my mom.
So when I was nine, I went to visit him over the holidays and on the last day of my visit he decided that I wasn't going back and so he met with a lawyer.
I ended up living with him for a year and half while he and my mom were fighting for custody of me, halfway across the country from each other. My life with my dad wasn't better than living with my mom, but it wasn't worse. It was just a different kind of dysfunction. While he made sure I had food, clothing and a solid education, I regularly had to hear him beating up his girlfriend in the other room.
My mom went to treatment as part of the conditions for having me back, and a judge decided that based on my dad's criminal history that he wouldn't get any thing more than a phone call from me once every two weeks.
So I was back with my mom and two older sisters and everything was supposedly going to be great from then on.
When I returned, my mom was poor and living in a relatives home. We lived like that for about a year until my mom got a job and we got our own place. By that time, my sister's were living with their dad who had a good paying job and was able to bring them up in a stable environment.
I don't know if my mom had undergone a personality change while she was fighting for custody of me or if she was always this way, but her sober self was quiet, inward and apathetic. She seemed overwhelmed by me, and often I was taken to someone else's home to stay for a few days.
I had alot of resentment towards her, for allowing us to be poor and for being so 'self-centered'. After lots of bouncing around homes, I started to get in trouble by age 12. I started stealing my mom's cigarettes and pot and hung out with the 'bad crowd' at school, skipping school often and developed obsessive behaviors. I wasn't mean or 'bad' to anyone, just very self-destructive.
Meanwhile, my sister's were on their own, working and financially supporting my mom. My mom complained alot about me to them and exaggerrated alot of stuff and they started treating me badly.
When I was fifteen, my mom relapsed. The only other time I had seen her drunk was when I was five, and she was being taken away by paramedics because she was having a psychotic breakdown.
Needless to say, seeing her drunk with 'fresh eyes' was terrifying. I hoped it was just a one time deal but it was not. She began getting drunk regularly and bringing home an assortment of creepy men home. She lost jobs because she was often too hung-over to go to work. A couple of times she made sexual advances to male friends of mine. She picked fights and became violent with anyone who was around, and at one point I became her main victim. I would be asleep in my room and suddenly the light went on and pots and pans were being thrown at me, or I was being pulled by the ankles from my bed and told to get out.
There were times I called the police or had to run off in the middle of the night to stay at someone's house. Upon returning to our house, my mom said she didn't remember any of it and it would always start up back where it left off.
What's worse about this was she was telling relatives and family friends of ours (even our neighbors) that it was all my fault. She was so convincing and good at playing the victim, that all of them believed her and I was this bad terrible and 'ungrateful' daughter. My sister's were apathetic, they simply scolded me for not 'knowing better' and that I should have left the house and been on my own already. At FIFTEEN?
I had no job skills, I wasn't even old enough to graduate from high school yet, I had a disability that I was often discriminated against....and somehow I was supposed to have some good paying job and my own apartment at fifteen.
I bounced around other people's homes, and most were just as dysfunctional. Mostly other variants of my mom; Crazy and/or alcoholic, mean women.
At one point I ended up living on the streets and stayed in a couple of homeless shelters. My mom, my sisters, my extended family didn't bat an eye.
At every job I had or attempts to go to community college, I was too stressed and unable to concentrate to last longer than a month.
My family's reaction was that I was 'lazy'. I developed a hair-pulling disorder and OCD behaviors and I was labeled as 'crazy'.
At age twenty I got into drugs and got involved with an abusive alcoholic/addict and had a very crazy relationship with him that spanned six years. That part is such a big time in my life and a story of itself, and so I will not go into details and I risk my anonymity for doing so as some of it was on national television.
After I finally broke free from the guy, I kinda-sorta started to get my life together. I got a job, a crappy one, and my own place (also crappy - same one I live in now), but it was better than nothing.
My mom was staying at my sister's home and being financially supported by them. Anytime I saw her, she talked about herself or complained and most often it was as if I wasn't even there.
I started drinking heavily in my mid-twenties and kept it a secret from all of them. I spent my nights in bars and my days in bed. Just like my mom had for so many years. The only difference was (and the reason I didn't think I was an alcoholic for so long) is that I didn't get violent or psycho when I drank like my mom did.
Fast forward to present, I rarely speak to my mom or my sister's.
One of whom I just don't and will never get along with and it's best we just not have anything to do with eachother. The other and I are very superficial to one another and nothing ever goes beyond your basic small-talk, which works for now I guess.
My mom, on the other hand, is full of self-pity and uses me to complain about other people or brags about her latest craft project or something that she did for my neices and then gets off the phone abruptly when I talk to her.
She still drinks, I don't know how often or to what degree. Most of the time I either feel very angry with her or worried sick about her.
When I have tried to bring up the past to my mom, she gets very defensive and hangs up on me and so I have decided that it's probably never going to be resolved. She spends alot of time with one of my sisters and does alot for them and spoils her two granddaughters rotten. I have to admit, I am a little jealous and resentful but I know that that's just the way it is.
I realize now, was that my mother never liked me or knew what to do with me. I think at this point, I will probably never have any closure.
There have been many times I regretted coming back to live with my mom that day when I was ten and had tried to contact my dad for some kind of help but his paranoia and alcoholism made him hard to track down. I don't think he alive now. The last time I talked with him (eight years ago) he was in late-stage alcoholism and couldn't put two sentences together. The next day, his phone was disconnected and the letters I sent him were returned.
Sometimes I really want to find out where he is and if he's still alive, other times I don't want to know.
Trying to figure out 'the lesser of two evils' between my parents has been hard, and so far, life never gave me any other options.
Now that I'm an adult, it feels like I missed out on alot and experienced too much of what I shouldn't have. I wish there was some way I could 'make-up' for all of this.
Writing this was hard. But I'm glad I got it out and let SR know where I'm coming from.
Thanks for listening.
My parents were never married, they met at a crazy dive bar and had a tumultuous violence-ridden 'relationship' for six months until my dad (who was addicted to cncaine at the time) went to prison for five years for holding up a grocery store. I didn't meet him until I was five years old. Even as my five-year-old mind could tell, there was something 'not right' about this man.
At that time my mom was drinking heavily, getting into all kinds of dysfunctional short-term relationships with men and coming home so drunk she couldn't even walk to the front door of our house.
My older sister (from a previous marriage my mom had) had to pull her inside and put her bed and put a pan down by the bed almost nightly.
I can't imagine what that must have been like for an eight year old.
Now that I look at it, I think my sister repressed alot of that.
My mom was basically incompetent, too sick and hung-over to take us to school so my older sister pretty much raised us. Often times we didn't go to school at all, and just hung out in our pajama's all day, watching TV and fending for ourselves.
My dad had gotten a good job and was trying to get his life back together and at one point decided he wanted full custody of me, especially with what he knew about my mom.
So when I was nine, I went to visit him over the holidays and on the last day of my visit he decided that I wasn't going back and so he met with a lawyer.
I ended up living with him for a year and half while he and my mom were fighting for custody of me, halfway across the country from each other. My life with my dad wasn't better than living with my mom, but it wasn't worse. It was just a different kind of dysfunction. While he made sure I had food, clothing and a solid education, I regularly had to hear him beating up his girlfriend in the other room.
My mom went to treatment as part of the conditions for having me back, and a judge decided that based on my dad's criminal history that he wouldn't get any thing more than a phone call from me once every two weeks.
So I was back with my mom and two older sisters and everything was supposedly going to be great from then on.
When I returned, my mom was poor and living in a relatives home. We lived like that for about a year until my mom got a job and we got our own place. By that time, my sister's were living with their dad who had a good paying job and was able to bring them up in a stable environment.
I don't know if my mom had undergone a personality change while she was fighting for custody of me or if she was always this way, but her sober self was quiet, inward and apathetic. She seemed overwhelmed by me, and often I was taken to someone else's home to stay for a few days.
I had alot of resentment towards her, for allowing us to be poor and for being so 'self-centered'. After lots of bouncing around homes, I started to get in trouble by age 12. I started stealing my mom's cigarettes and pot and hung out with the 'bad crowd' at school, skipping school often and developed obsessive behaviors. I wasn't mean or 'bad' to anyone, just very self-destructive.
Meanwhile, my sister's were on their own, working and financially supporting my mom. My mom complained alot about me to them and exaggerrated alot of stuff and they started treating me badly.
When I was fifteen, my mom relapsed. The only other time I had seen her drunk was when I was five, and she was being taken away by paramedics because she was having a psychotic breakdown.
Needless to say, seeing her drunk with 'fresh eyes' was terrifying. I hoped it was just a one time deal but it was not. She began getting drunk regularly and bringing home an assortment of creepy men home. She lost jobs because she was often too hung-over to go to work. A couple of times she made sexual advances to male friends of mine. She picked fights and became violent with anyone who was around, and at one point I became her main victim. I would be asleep in my room and suddenly the light went on and pots and pans were being thrown at me, or I was being pulled by the ankles from my bed and told to get out.
There were times I called the police or had to run off in the middle of the night to stay at someone's house. Upon returning to our house, my mom said she didn't remember any of it and it would always start up back where it left off.
What's worse about this was she was telling relatives and family friends of ours (even our neighbors) that it was all my fault. She was so convincing and good at playing the victim, that all of them believed her and I was this bad terrible and 'ungrateful' daughter. My sister's were apathetic, they simply scolded me for not 'knowing better' and that I should have left the house and been on my own already. At FIFTEEN?
I had no job skills, I wasn't even old enough to graduate from high school yet, I had a disability that I was often discriminated against....and somehow I was supposed to have some good paying job and my own apartment at fifteen.
I bounced around other people's homes, and most were just as dysfunctional. Mostly other variants of my mom; Crazy and/or alcoholic, mean women.
At one point I ended up living on the streets and stayed in a couple of homeless shelters. My mom, my sisters, my extended family didn't bat an eye.
At every job I had or attempts to go to community college, I was too stressed and unable to concentrate to last longer than a month.
My family's reaction was that I was 'lazy'. I developed a hair-pulling disorder and OCD behaviors and I was labeled as 'crazy'.
At age twenty I got into drugs and got involved with an abusive alcoholic/addict and had a very crazy relationship with him that spanned six years. That part is such a big time in my life and a story of itself, and so I will not go into details and I risk my anonymity for doing so as some of it was on national television.
After I finally broke free from the guy, I kinda-sorta started to get my life together. I got a job, a crappy one, and my own place (also crappy - same one I live in now), but it was better than nothing.
My mom was staying at my sister's home and being financially supported by them. Anytime I saw her, she talked about herself or complained and most often it was as if I wasn't even there.
I started drinking heavily in my mid-twenties and kept it a secret from all of them. I spent my nights in bars and my days in bed. Just like my mom had for so many years. The only difference was (and the reason I didn't think I was an alcoholic for so long) is that I didn't get violent or psycho when I drank like my mom did.
Fast forward to present, I rarely speak to my mom or my sister's.
One of whom I just don't and will never get along with and it's best we just not have anything to do with eachother. The other and I are very superficial to one another and nothing ever goes beyond your basic small-talk, which works for now I guess.
My mom, on the other hand, is full of self-pity and uses me to complain about other people or brags about her latest craft project or something that she did for my neices and then gets off the phone abruptly when I talk to her.
She still drinks, I don't know how often or to what degree. Most of the time I either feel very angry with her or worried sick about her.
When I have tried to bring up the past to my mom, she gets very defensive and hangs up on me and so I have decided that it's probably never going to be resolved. She spends alot of time with one of my sisters and does alot for them and spoils her two granddaughters rotten. I have to admit, I am a little jealous and resentful but I know that that's just the way it is.
I realize now, was that my mother never liked me or knew what to do with me. I think at this point, I will probably never have any closure.
There have been many times I regretted coming back to live with my mom that day when I was ten and had tried to contact my dad for some kind of help but his paranoia and alcoholism made him hard to track down. I don't think he alive now. The last time I talked with him (eight years ago) he was in late-stage alcoholism and couldn't put two sentences together. The next day, his phone was disconnected and the letters I sent him were returned.
Sometimes I really want to find out where he is and if he's still alive, other times I don't want to know.
Trying to figure out 'the lesser of two evils' between my parents has been hard, and so far, life never gave me any other options.
Now that I'm an adult, it feels like I missed out on alot and experienced too much of what I shouldn't have. I wish there was some way I could 'make-up' for all of this.
Writing this was hard. But I'm glad I got it out and let SR know where I'm coming from.
Thanks for listening.
Last edited by LaDita; 01-18-2009 at 01:54 PM.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
LaDita, welcome to SR..
Thank you for sharing your story. I am deeply touched by it. I appreciate the courage it must have taken to come here and share ... .
I am sorry for your pain and I applaud you for choosing to heal your life in spite of all you have been through....
Grateful
Thank you for sharing your story. I am deeply touched by it. I appreciate the courage it must have taken to come here and share ... .
I am sorry for your pain and I applaud you for choosing to heal your life in spite of all you have been through....
Grateful
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
so sorry to hear your pain. I like the premise that our biological mother and father brought us into this world, and as hard as it is to believe, they probably did the best they could with what they had. Welcome to your new family! We hear you and feel your pain. This family will be there for you to encourage you and help you grow to be the person you are truly meant to be. Take what you want and leave the rest, just keep coming back, cause we will be here for you. ((((((((LaDita))))))))
Eternal optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northeast
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by LaDita 
I started to get in trouble by age 12. I started stealing my mom's cigarettes and pot and hung out with the 'bad crowd' at school, skipping school often and developed obsessive behaviors. I wasn't mean or 'bad' to anyone, just very self-destructive.
she was being taken away by paramedics because she was having a psychotic breakdown.
I became her main victim.
At age twenty I got into drugs and got involved with an abusive alcoholic/addict and had a very crazy relationship with him
I started drinking heavily in my mid-twenties and kept it a secret from all of them. I spent my nights in bars and my days in bed.
Most of the time I either feel very angry with her or worried sick about her.
she was being taken away by paramedics because she was having a psychotic breakdown.
I became her main victim.
At age twenty I got into drugs and got involved with an abusive alcoholic/addict and had a very crazy relationship with him
I started drinking heavily in my mid-twenties and kept it a secret from all of them. I spent my nights in bars and my days in bed.
Most of the time I either feel very angry with her or worried sick about her.
Wow everything I quoted is a mirror image of my own life honestly. Right now I'm at a crossroads with my mom. She is battling cancer but lets my addict sister live with her and she raises my sisters son. I'm jealous about that because she wasn't a mom to us, she was always "checked out" drinking in the dark in the living room and we could never watch t.v. or turn lights on. We had to stay in our room and be quiet (hard for kids, impossible as a teenager).
My mom overdosed sitting at our kitchen table and later had to be taken out by the paramedics, that was seriously messed up. I visited her while she was in the psych ward, that was awful.
Just like you my dysfunctional abusive marriage is a whole 'nother story.
LaDita I can relate to so much you've said. I'm only on day 9 of sobriety but I know I have to address these family issues now. I haven't spoke to my father for 12 years and I need to cut the rest of my family off like a gangrenous limb, they are too crazy for me anymore. Good luck to you, I'm glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
Originally Posted by prettypoison
LaDita,
Wow everything I quoted is a mirror image of my own life honestly. Right now I'm at a crossroads with my mom. She is battling cancer but lets my addict sister live with her and she raises my sisters son. I'm jealous about that because she wasn't a mom to us, she was always "checked out" drinking in the dark in the living room and we could never watch t.v. or turn lights on. We had to stay in our room and be quiet (hard for kids, impossible as a teenager).
My mom overdosed sitting at our kitchen table and later had to be taken out by the paramedics, that was seriously messed up. I visited her while she was in the psych ward, that was awful.
Just like you my dysfunctional abusive marriage is a whole 'nother story.
LaDita I can relate to so much you've said. I'm only on day 9 of sobriety but I know I have to address these family issues now. I haven't spoke to my father for 12 years and I need to cut the rest of my family off like a gangrenous limb, they are too crazy for me anymore. Good luck to you, I'm glad you are here.
Wow everything I quoted is a mirror image of my own life honestly. Right now I'm at a crossroads with my mom. She is battling cancer but lets my addict sister live with her and she raises my sisters son. I'm jealous about that because she wasn't a mom to us, she was always "checked out" drinking in the dark in the living room and we could never watch t.v. or turn lights on. We had to stay in our room and be quiet (hard for kids, impossible as a teenager).
My mom overdosed sitting at our kitchen table and later had to be taken out by the paramedics, that was seriously messed up. I visited her while she was in the psych ward, that was awful.
Just like you my dysfunctional abusive marriage is a whole 'nother story.
LaDita I can relate to so much you've said. I'm only on day 9 of sobriety but I know I have to address these family issues now. I haven't spoke to my father for 12 years and I need to cut the rest of my family off like a gangrenous limb, they are too crazy for me anymore. Good luck to you, I'm glad you are here.
Unfortunately some of us do need to permanently severe ourselves from our family of origin. I'm sure having a mom who is very ill throws a whole nother wrench into the problem and you are probably at a very tough crossroads right now. I wish there was some way I could help, or someone who can help you right now! In an ideal world, your mother would go to a nice care facility and your nephew would be taken by a special person and gets to see your mother whenever he wishes.
A really famous author by the name of Augusten Burroughs -who is also a recovering alcoholic- wrote several books on his life, raised by INSANE parents and broke off from them. His most famous book is called DRY. Anyway, it really inspired me that I could too break off from my family.
It's been a slow process. Over the years I have written them letters, emails telling them that I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore but was laughed at, ignored or guilt-tripped because it hurt their feelings (wtf?). Now I just don't call them anymore and they don't call me but I feel that that's not enough. I feel moving several thousands of miles away may be the next best thing.
I think your situation is probably alot different since your sister is an addict, there's a young child involved and your mother is battling cancer.
I don't know where you live or what social services there are available, but there has to be someone who can help, at least come over every once in awhile and help out or take the boy to the park.
I have been told by both ACOA's and recovering alcoholics that it's best to deal with one problem at a time and that your sobriety should be your first priority. It's probbaly very difficult to do that when the other problems are so urgent such as yours. I also noticed that having just written my story brought up alot of really awful feelings and maybe I'm not ready for it right now.
Whatever you do PP, just keep posting and reach out as much as you can. My life hasn't changed since I joined this board over a month ago, but it's made a tremendous improvement on my overall outlook and spiritual health. Good luck to you. :ghug3
Eternal optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: northeast
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by LaDita
I feel moving several thousands of miles away may be the next best thing.
And thanks LaDita, you are very insightful. When I write I sometimes get anxious feelings too, it opens up Pandora's box of negative emotions.
I just wanted to add to my story that my stepdad lives with my mom too...although he has problems of his own with drinking (I know, I know sounds like a bad movie). But he is really helpful with my nephew. I sort of got elected into assisting my mom because I am a nursing student and I understand medical language (I also have studied cancer treatments extensively). But, my job there is done, it's about me now. I want to heal and stay sober more than anything.
I'm so very thankful that you all are here, this is more help than I have ever had, it certainly has helped my overall outlook too.
BTW, I'm seeing a counselor this Friday to hopefully start sorting this out and start healing
Wish me luck...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
I just wanted to do a quick follow-up to this post. I realized after writing this, and a couple of other subsequent posts re: mom, I don't think I am ready to bring this stuff up; I really should be focused on me and staying sober and not complicate it with the past yet. I guess it's no wonder the secretary from a local ACOA meeting advised me to have at least a year of sobriety before going to ACOA.
Though I got a few responses from another post concerning my relationship to her which were very helpful. I also had a nice conversation with her on the phone the other day. There are still feelings of the anger/worry. But I think I can deal with them, so long as I accept them as normal and okay.
Though I got a few responses from another post concerning my relationship to her which were very helpful. I also had a nice conversation with her on the phone the other day. There are still feelings of the anger/worry. But I think I can deal with them, so long as I accept them as normal and okay.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Harrisonburg, VA
Posts: 1
My story
I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents. Lets start with my mother
My mother drank, took over the counter drugs, and compulsively lied over the years. She still does. I haven't seen or talked to her in years. I'm frankly just not ready.
I have a harder time with my Dad because he got clean and was there for my growing up. He has an alcoholism problem. It hurts me more than anything being let down over and over again lately.
Just tonight I got off work, went home to find my mom (stepmom, she is a true angel) on the couch, waiting for him to call. He wouldn't answer for either of us.
He took a cab home around 11, wouldn't tell my mom where he has been, where his truck is, and could barely stand up.
This is just one example. It really hurts to be let down by the only biological parent that has ever supported/been there for you. I feel like I have no where to turn, and feel very alone.
My mother drank, took over the counter drugs, and compulsively lied over the years. She still does. I haven't seen or talked to her in years. I'm frankly just not ready.
I have a harder time with my Dad because he got clean and was there for my growing up. He has an alcoholism problem. It hurts me more than anything being let down over and over again lately.
Just tonight I got off work, went home to find my mom (stepmom, she is a true angel) on the couch, waiting for him to call. He wouldn't answer for either of us.
He took a cab home around 11, wouldn't tell my mom where he has been, where his truck is, and could barely stand up.
This is just one example. It really hurts to be let down by the only biological parent that has ever supported/been there for you. I feel like I have no where to turn, and feel very alone.
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