prettypoison

I'm new to SR and came across this section, I am a child of alcoholic parents. My story is so complicated but today it looks like this:

My mom is an alcoholic--dry drunk nowdays--who has lung cancer but still smokes a pack a day.
My sister is a practicing alcoholic/crack addict who lives with her (along with her 5 year old son) and leaves for days bingeing -- mom is obviously an enabler.
My father is a practicting hardcore lifetime alcoholic/crack addict (he gets high with my sister a lot when she goes to his house) I haven't spoken with my father for 12 years.

My parents are divorced...they were both physically and mentally abusive to us as children.

I got married & moved out at 16. I've never really dealt with the trauma of my childhood yet.

I am an alcoholic just got sober a week ago. I'm struggling and came to this site for help. I have to stop drinking. I have a medical background and have been helping my mom navigate through the her medical treatments and appointments for a year. I feel like I'm in quicksand...I can barely stand to be around my family anymore---it's all so complicated...

I just needed to get that out.

Lenore

Thank you for your bravery in sharing your experiences. And kudos to you on being sober for a week! I won't lie and say I know how hard it is, but from my family experience, I've seen that it's something that's been horribly difficult for them. I really hope that you'll find the support and solidarity here to keep you going when things are so tough.

GiveLove

Hi prettypoison, congratulations on your new sobriety.

I'm so glad you found us.

We have SO many characteristics in common, us adult children. Have you read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum? I found myself in there over and over again.

What sort of a recovery program are you trying to do? I know it must be really hard to be both a child of addicted people AND an addicted person yourself. But I also know numerous people on these "friends and family" forums that are "double winners" like you, and if you lurk around the three Friends & Family forums, you'll find quite a few who post regularly, like laurie6781, freedom 1990, anvilhead, and a ton of others. They are living proof that, if you want to bust through your childhood patterns, get clean, and flip your life over to the good side, it can be done. It's a lot of work, but when you see how strong and happy these ordinary women are, it gives a lot of hope.

Sending you big hugs
Stick around with us!

prettypoison

Thank you for your replies. I did check out some of the other forums, gosh I belong everywhere here (quadruple winner?)....

The quagmire is the precarious situation I'm in. My family is so toxic that I know I must break free... The problem is in how I go about it.

I'm still trying to help my mom with her medical issues. However, being around my sister is many things--a major trigger (my sobriety must be a priority for the first time in my life) and I'm very angry at the whole cycle--my sister binges, mom vents to me, I get mad at both of them because we've been on this merry-go-round for too many years now. I want off of it. My mom keeps bailing my sister out of her monetary and legal problems. Meanwhile, I have kept my own alcohol addiction dilemma from them so as to not add more problems to the stack. So I suffer silently, I have been coming here for support though. In short, I have lots of issues with my mom for her alcoholic behavior when I was growing up, but I don't want to lose her to cancer either...what to do what to do...

LaDita

Hi pretty,

First congratulations on seven days. I too am an adult child of alcoholics/addicts and I know how difficult it is when the trauma of your childhood starts to sink in. This reality first came to me when I read a book called "Becoming Your Own Parent" by Dennis Wholley who is an ACOA and also a recovering alcoholic. It really changed my outlook and as painful as it was, it really brought up alot of things to the surface and made me realize that I am worth it.
I look forward to seeing you around the boards!

-LD

guiab

Welcome to SR. I can't add much to any of the excellent advice already given. You could check out AA and Alanon meetings. As much as SR is wonderful I (both parents alcoholic to the day of their passing) have found the face-to-face meetings to be very helpful. You are important, so your sobriety is important.
Keep up the good work and keep posting!

GiveLove

prettypoison,

What would happen if you took some time off engaging with your mother and sister? If you gave her the phone numbers of medical folks who can help her (you're not her doctor...right?) and went limited-contact or no-contact for a while?

You can't help a lung cancer patient who keeps smoking and enabling. All you can do is keep your front-row box seat to the chaos....she's going to do what she's going to do, no matter whether you're there or not. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and you can't help someone who don't want help.

What if you stepped away? Unilaterally changed your role to protect yourself? Or don't you feel you have a right to put your feelings first?

XOX
GL

prettypoison

GL you couldn't be more right on. It has taken me a long time to realize I have to protect myself. I'm at the point in my life where I have to put me first. I have played the role of dutiful daughter and people pleaser in that household since I was a kid.

Today I stepped away. My mom had a dr. appointment and I made other plans, let my sister accompany her for once. It's hard for me to say no to anyone. I thought I would feel guilty but instead I feel relief--liberated. Every time I go around them I come home anxious and upset. Not today. Her tests came out o.k. Doubly relieved because I can continue to focus on my sobriety, healing and school (me-me-me, my mom would hate that LOL).

Thanks for being here.:ghug

GiveLove

So how does it feel to pull one foot out of the quagmire and step onto more solid ground?

Proud of you!!!!

Counseling was the most precious thing I ever did, I swear. There was so much I couldn't see because I was too close to everything......MAJOR tunnel vision LOL

I hope it works the same for you. You deserve to be happy - this is definitely one of those "let go or be dragged" situations. Tiny steps in the right direction will get you there!
:ghug3

LaDita

I really applaud the counseling decision. I don't know if you have already made an appointment or found someone already, but if you haven't you might want to look for someone who specializes in Chemical Dependency within families. CD counselors really know their stuff.
Good for you for stepping back and taking care of you today. It should become easier to do as time goes on.
Let us know how it's going.

*hug*