...the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
...the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
Hoping for a little of this today.
I am one of seven siblings. Of those seven:
--Two have died from their addictions
--One is mentally ill
--One is in early recovery
--One is not in recovery yet
--One is reasonably normal, though he still lives with his mom at 40
...and me.
Of the two that died, one had a daughter who is now in her thirties. She is bright, beautiful, funny. And she hates holidays with everything she's got. She now has a good husband (after being involved with several addicts herself), a couple of wonderful children, and another on the way. She's a wonderful, engaging mom and a supportive friend. But when holidays roll around, she goes into a depressive state that lasts for days, sometimes weeks. Her suffering is deep, deep.
Her mom committed suicide more than twenty years ago. But in the years before that, some terrible things happened in their household, typical of the stuff you see on F&F of Substance Abusers.
She misses her mom. She hates her mom. She worships her mom, who was the best mom ever. She loves her mom. She does not grieve or deal with her feelings; she just goes in circles, round and round. She refuses to seek counseling or any sort of support group.
I can't control her choices. I can only tell her what has worked for me. I can tell her what I know & don't know. I can make strong suggestions that she neither demonize nor canonize my sister, but simply see her as a very flawed individual who happened to love us very much. I can whip out all of my recovery tools and go through them one by one with her.
But my niece will not pick those tools up with her own hands. She listens, she says she feels better. And the next time around, she is just as sick and sad as before.
I know I can't force her to get help.
I know I can't heal her wounds.
I know I'm powerless to stop this from happening.
But sometimes I just want to sit in my chair, wrap my arms around my chest, and cry for her.
No one should have to suffer like that. No one.
Thanks for listening to this rant. I'm just trying to get balanced again by talking it out...with people who "get it."
I am one of seven siblings. Of those seven:
--Two have died from their addictions
--One is mentally ill
--One is in early recovery
--One is not in recovery yet
--One is reasonably normal, though he still lives with his mom at 40
...and me.
Of the two that died, one had a daughter who is now in her thirties. She is bright, beautiful, funny. And she hates holidays with everything she's got. She now has a good husband (after being involved with several addicts herself), a couple of wonderful children, and another on the way. She's a wonderful, engaging mom and a supportive friend. But when holidays roll around, she goes into a depressive state that lasts for days, sometimes weeks. Her suffering is deep, deep.
Her mom committed suicide more than twenty years ago. But in the years before that, some terrible things happened in their household, typical of the stuff you see on F&F of Substance Abusers.
She misses her mom. She hates her mom. She worships her mom, who was the best mom ever. She loves her mom. She does not grieve or deal with her feelings; she just goes in circles, round and round. She refuses to seek counseling or any sort of support group.
I can't control her choices. I can only tell her what has worked for me. I can tell her what I know & don't know. I can make strong suggestions that she neither demonize nor canonize my sister, but simply see her as a very flawed individual who happened to love us very much. I can whip out all of my recovery tools and go through them one by one with her.
But my niece will not pick those tools up with her own hands. She listens, she says she feels better. And the next time around, she is just as sick and sad as before.
I know I can't force her to get help.
I know I can't heal her wounds.
I know I'm powerless to stop this from happening.
But sometimes I just want to sit in my chair, wrap my arms around my chest, and cry for her.
No one should have to suffer like that. No one.
Thanks for listening to this rant. I'm just trying to get balanced again by talking it out...with people who "get it."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Heya GiveLove ((((( hugs )))))
You know, it's perfectly fine to do that now and then. Just like we pray for others, we can cry for others.
Of course not. Some people need to. It's like they're building something stronger on the inside. When they do get into recovery, of any kind, they come out far stronger than most.
I don't have a niece like yours, but I have a step daughter. She came pre-installed with my ex-wife. The previous husband was a pedophile, and I had a large amount of trust to earn. I did exactly what you are doing. Lived my own life as best I could. Worked my recovery every single day and let the young girl just heal in her own time.
She watched me. Constantly. From behind a door, around a corner, thru a window. Every word I said, every time I went to work. Every time I came home. As she grew older she had ocassional flash-backs, would throw her into blind panic for days, sometimes weeks. I got as close as I could, but backed off when I noticed her tense up.
Years and years went by. She got married, had a baby, got divorced. Was living on her own and very depressed one Christmas, so we went to stay with her a few days. She was lonely, having no luck finding friends, never mind someone to date, asked me for advice. I told her the standard al-anon thing, make a list of all the traits you want in a husband, put them in order.
Three days later she came back. _Five_ pages of paper, crammed tight in her very OCD-ish tiny handwriting. I sighed, going thru that list was going to be a _long_ process. She surprised me with a burst of anger, crumpled up the paper and threw it in my face. Said I was wrong, she did not need a list to find a good man, all she needed was to find a man who treats her the way I treat her Mother.
She had been watching me allright. Every single day.
More years came and went. She started calling me when she had the flashbacks. First a few minutes, then hours, then I'd spend days talking her down. It took _decades_ to earn her trust.
Today she runs her own business, which she learned by watching me run mine. She runs a gaggle of her own children, a couple dogs, a cat, a husband. The man in her life treats her with respect and dignity, and his personality is so much like mine that we get bored from agreeing too much !!! The kids are so normal it's scary, there's not the smallest dysfunction anywhere in that household, not even in the cat.
I once told her that the only regret I have in life is that I am not her biological father, so that I could claim some of the credit for how well she turned out. She gets exasperated with me, said that I am the rock in her life and who needs a father anyway when she has me.
She taught me, among other lessons, that miracles happen in God's time. The One that takes hundreds of years to grow a single tree isn't going to grow a woman from a child on _my_ schedule. Margaret, you are the one that broke the chains of dysfunctoin and addictoin in your family. You are the rock in that young lady's life. It took my step daughter _decades_ to heal, and she used me to lean on even though I never knew it. You stick to your own recovery, continue being that strong, silent rock that is ever dependable and patient.
She has her own path to follow, but as long as she has you to turn to when the waves and the storms threaten to blow her away she'll be fine. Not on your schedule, but in her own HP's schedule.
Mike ((((( hugs )))))
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
... .But sometimes I just want to sit in my chair, wrap my arms around my chest, and cry for her...
Originally Posted by GiveLove
... No one should have to suffer like that. No one....
I don't have a niece like yours, but I have a step daughter. She came pre-installed with my ex-wife. The previous husband was a pedophile, and I had a large amount of trust to earn. I did exactly what you are doing. Lived my own life as best I could. Worked my recovery every single day and let the young girl just heal in her own time.
She watched me. Constantly. From behind a door, around a corner, thru a window. Every word I said, every time I went to work. Every time I came home. As she grew older she had ocassional flash-backs, would throw her into blind panic for days, sometimes weeks. I got as close as I could, but backed off when I noticed her tense up.
Years and years went by. She got married, had a baby, got divorced. Was living on her own and very depressed one Christmas, so we went to stay with her a few days. She was lonely, having no luck finding friends, never mind someone to date, asked me for advice. I told her the standard al-anon thing, make a list of all the traits you want in a husband, put them in order.
Three days later she came back. _Five_ pages of paper, crammed tight in her very OCD-ish tiny handwriting. I sighed, going thru that list was going to be a _long_ process. She surprised me with a burst of anger, crumpled up the paper and threw it in my face. Said I was wrong, she did not need a list to find a good man, all she needed was to find a man who treats her the way I treat her Mother.
She had been watching me allright. Every single day.
More years came and went. She started calling me when she had the flashbacks. First a few minutes, then hours, then I'd spend days talking her down. It took _decades_ to earn her trust.
Today she runs her own business, which she learned by watching me run mine. She runs a gaggle of her own children, a couple dogs, a cat, a husband. The man in her life treats her with respect and dignity, and his personality is so much like mine that we get bored from agreeing too much !!! The kids are so normal it's scary, there's not the smallest dysfunction anywhere in that household, not even in the cat.
I once told her that the only regret I have in life is that I am not her biological father, so that I could claim some of the credit for how well she turned out. She gets exasperated with me, said that I am the rock in her life and who needs a father anyway when she has me.
She taught me, among other lessons, that miracles happen in God's time. The One that takes hundreds of years to grow a single tree isn't going to grow a woman from a child on _my_ schedule. Margaret, you are the one that broke the chains of dysfunctoin and addictoin in your family. You are the rock in that young lady's life. It took my step daughter _decades_ to heal, and she used me to lean on even though I never knew it. You stick to your own recovery, continue being that strong, silent rock that is ever dependable and patient.
She has her own path to follow, but as long as she has you to turn to when the waves and the storms threaten to blow her away she'll be fine. Not on your schedule, but in her own HP's schedule.
Mike ((((( hugs )))))
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Many hugs to you GiveLove
<<<<((((******{GiveLove}}}})))))>>>>
What Deserteyes wrote brought tears to my eyes and a renewed sense of the need for patience. As long as you are there and her HP is there, that is the most that you can do. And it is a great thing that you do.
Only recently have I realized that the slow work of recovery is not as awful as the seemingly inexhaustible fears instilled in my thoughts as a child.
My prayers go out to you and your niece.
Thanks for the reality check, Deserteyes, and peace to you.
<<<<((((******{GiveLove}}}})))))>>>>
What Deserteyes wrote brought tears to my eyes and a renewed sense of the need for patience. As long as you are there and her HP is there, that is the most that you can do. And it is a great thing that you do.
Only recently have I realized that the slow work of recovery is not as awful as the seemingly inexhaustible fears instilled in my thoughts as a child.
My prayers go out to you and your niece.
Thanks for the reality check, Deserteyes, and peace to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 14
GiveLove, want to adopt me? LOL... I think it is amazing how much compassion you have for her. I can relate to her in a lot of ways, my mom passed just over two weeks ago and I go through sooooo many emotions daily. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight and beginning my steps to recovery. I know it will be a long process, but it is a much needed one. Keep being that strong force, because when she gets to that desperate, "something has gotta give" point, she will know who to turn to!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey Jenn,
Hugs to you, and sorrow on the death of your mom. It's so hard those first few weeks, like a pendulum that swings back and forth. I'm SO glad you're gathering support for yourself. I've lost so many family members now, and god I remember those first weeks of not knowing whether I was coming or going. Please take good and tender care of yourself.
I didnt' - 'til recent years - have the presence of mind to do what you're doing for your own survival, so congratulations on that and please stick around and keep posting. Together, we'll all get through this stuff.
:ghug3
GL
Hugs to you, and sorrow on the death of your mom. It's so hard those first few weeks, like a pendulum that swings back and forth. I'm SO glad you're gathering support for yourself. I've lost so many family members now, and god I remember those first weeks of not knowing whether I was coming or going. Please take good and tender care of yourself.
I didnt' - 'til recent years - have the presence of mind to do what you're doing for your own survival, so congratulations on that and please stick around and keep posting. Together, we'll all get through this stuff.
:ghug3
GL
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Jenn,
It is sad to start the new year with the passing of your mom. My deepest sympathies are with you - I am guessing but it seems that there was more sadness than tragedy. Remember that grieving is a process and takes time.
You are on a good track going to meetings. I am doing the meeting thing too and am trying to go to several per week. Hopefully, your new year will be a good one for recovery.
It is sad to start the new year with the passing of your mom. My deepest sympathies are with you - I am guessing but it seems that there was more sadness than tragedy. Remember that grieving is a process and takes time.
You are on a good track going to meetings. I am doing the meeting thing too and am trying to go to several per week. Hopefully, your new year will be a good one for recovery.
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