I need some help... maybe just perspective :(
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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I need some help... maybe just perspective :(
So I have typed out my long (boring 
) story here before... it's pretty typical. Mother went through an alcoholic phase, was very mean to me, and then kind of pulled out of the "meanness" but never stopped drinking. I think she drinks now because of the guilt she feels for abusing me.
that's beside the point, though. I moved to the opposite side of the country when I graduated college and have only been back twice. I don't think I even STARTED dealing with the pain I had kept inside until I moved away... I didn't move away with the thought of escaping them... but now that I have left I realize it must have been my subconscious trying to escape. I have a pretty smart subconscious!
SO... you are wondering why I need help? I have encountered a situation recently that it pushing me backwards in terms of coping with my "abuse"
My mother and her husband have not come to visit me once since I moved away. My mom always blamed it on not having vacation and money. So I decided that I would just buy their tickets ($1200!!) so they wouldn't have an excuse anymore. I would like her to see where I live and what I've accomplished, you know?
Well, they took me up on my offer and are coming to visit me in a few weeks. When I asked my mom about things that she would like to do or see while she was out here... I come to find out that her and my step dad decided they were going to stay in San Francisco for a few days... I asked them if they wanted me to come along or if they wanted to be alone... My mom informed me that they wanted to be alone.
I told my boyfriend about this and he was very angry. I paid for their trip out here to see me and they spend half of the time in San Francisco without me? He wants me to ask for my money back but I don't think I can do that.
I don't know, I just feel crappy and unloved. I am blaming most of it on my step dad because he isn't my biggest fan and is very controlling of my mother. She can't do anything without his approval, and her desires dont really matter in the scheme of things. My mom is a very "weak" person and I spent most of my life being her backbone... He came into the picture right after she went through the abusive alcoholic phase---I was a very hurt and angry teenager and still trying to get my mom to stop drinking. He was an alcoholic himself and was fighting for "control" over my mother and enabling her drinking so he wouldn't be drinkin' alone. The first time I brought a guy home he told my boyfriend what a crappy person I am....... how's that for love. And my mom knew about it and I don't even remember her getting angry.
It's just hard not to feel like I am a horrible person. My own mother doesn't seem to care enough to stick up for me? What does that say about a person? I thought family was supposed to love you unconditionally... I feel like I have to be a pretty crappy person to not even deserve that.
) story here before... it's pretty typical. Mother went through an alcoholic phase, was very mean to me, and then kind of pulled out of the "meanness" but never stopped drinking. I think she drinks now because of the guilt she feels for abusing me. that's beside the point, though. I moved to the opposite side of the country when I graduated college and have only been back twice. I don't think I even STARTED dealing with the pain I had kept inside until I moved away... I didn't move away with the thought of escaping them... but now that I have left I realize it must have been my subconscious trying to escape. I have a pretty smart subconscious!
SO... you are wondering why I need help? I have encountered a situation recently that it pushing me backwards in terms of coping with my "abuse"
My mother and her husband have not come to visit me once since I moved away. My mom always blamed it on not having vacation and money. So I decided that I would just buy their tickets ($1200!!) so they wouldn't have an excuse anymore. I would like her to see where I live and what I've accomplished, you know?
Well, they took me up on my offer and are coming to visit me in a few weeks. When I asked my mom about things that she would like to do or see while she was out here... I come to find out that her and my step dad decided they were going to stay in San Francisco for a few days... I asked them if they wanted me to come along or if they wanted to be alone... My mom informed me that they wanted to be alone.
I told my boyfriend about this and he was very angry. I paid for their trip out here to see me and they spend half of the time in San Francisco without me? He wants me to ask for my money back but I don't think I can do that.
I don't know, I just feel crappy and unloved. I am blaming most of it on my step dad because he isn't my biggest fan and is very controlling of my mother. She can't do anything without his approval, and her desires dont really matter in the scheme of things. My mom is a very "weak" person and I spent most of my life being her backbone... He came into the picture right after she went through the abusive alcoholic phase---I was a very hurt and angry teenager and still trying to get my mom to stop drinking. He was an alcoholic himself and was fighting for "control" over my mother and enabling her drinking so he wouldn't be drinkin' alone. The first time I brought a guy home he told my boyfriend what a crappy person I am....... how's that for love. And my mom knew about it and I don't even remember her getting angry.
It's just hard not to feel like I am a horrible person. My own mother doesn't seem to care enough to stick up for me? What does that say about a person? I thought family was supposed to love you unconditionally... I feel like I have to be a pretty crappy person to not even deserve that.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
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How does the inability of someone to provide unconditional love = you're a crappy person? It's like waiting for oranges to grow on an apple tree, and then blaming yourself when they don't. Your mom's inability to be a real mom to you is HER failure - not yours.
IMO unconditional love is a twisted myth if your parent is an alcoholic. It entails neglect of your emotional welfare, abuse of your need for parental affection, disrespect for you as an individual personality, and hyper-responsibility over the actions of your parent. If you manage all that, you may get a scrap of UL now and then. But you're fooling yourself. It's not unconditional love.
Your mother doesn't even have it in her to love herself. If she did, she wouldn't have been taking it out on you as a kid. If she did, you would have never had to play backbone because she would have cared enough about herself already to stand up when she needed to. If she did, she'd be able to recognize love from her daughter - not ignore or distance herself from it, like it's a terrible evil that will consume and destroy her. She also wouldn't be a package deal (with your step-dad), but rather, an individual.
Have you explained your perspective to them? It sounds pretty reasonable to me. If you're willing to negotiate that would be even better (maybe a day or two instead of a few, so it's a smaller fraction of their travelling time rather than half). Would they respond reasonably to "Mom/step-dad, since I'm paying for your flight out here, I'd really prefer that you spend the majority of the time visiting me. I haven't seen you in a long time and really want the chance to catch up."?
You could also try, "Since you're going on a separate holiday, I don't think I should have to pay for your full flight. It would be different if you were just coming to see me. But since you're not, how about I pay for your tickets here, and you pay for your tickets back?"
Although I know how hard it would be to reason rationally like that. You know they won't hear what you're saying. What they'll hear is you trying to control them. Animosity alights. Now they feel more justified than ever to spend as little time with you are they're obliged to, because you're obviously such a self-centered person.
NOT.
If they can't respect your wishes and refuse to give up any of San Francisco, chalk it up to a learning experience when it comes to dealing with your mom. IMO it sounds like cowardice on the part of your mom and step-dad. Maybe they're worried that a few days is too long to stay on good behavior (without the bottle). Maybe they're scared that the longer they hang around, the more likely "the past" will come up (god forbid they deal with any kind of honest confrontation, right?). Just know that their decisions have so little to do with you, compared to how much it has to do with their own insecurities/hang-ups/misery. It's their own damning stupidity for not being able to sober up long enough to see you for the independent success that you are. How is their blindness your fault OR your responsibility?
IMO unconditional love is a twisted myth if your parent is an alcoholic. It entails neglect of your emotional welfare, abuse of your need for parental affection, disrespect for you as an individual personality, and hyper-responsibility over the actions of your parent. If you manage all that, you may get a scrap of UL now and then. But you're fooling yourself. It's not unconditional love.
Your mother doesn't even have it in her to love herself. If she did, she wouldn't have been taking it out on you as a kid. If she did, you would have never had to play backbone because she would have cared enough about herself already to stand up when she needed to. If she did, she'd be able to recognize love from her daughter - not ignore or distance herself from it, like it's a terrible evil that will consume and destroy her. She also wouldn't be a package deal (with your step-dad), but rather, an individual.
Have you explained your perspective to them? It sounds pretty reasonable to me. If you're willing to negotiate that would be even better (maybe a day or two instead of a few, so it's a smaller fraction of their travelling time rather than half). Would they respond reasonably to "Mom/step-dad, since I'm paying for your flight out here, I'd really prefer that you spend the majority of the time visiting me. I haven't seen you in a long time and really want the chance to catch up."?
You could also try, "Since you're going on a separate holiday, I don't think I should have to pay for your full flight. It would be different if you were just coming to see me. But since you're not, how about I pay for your tickets here, and you pay for your tickets back?"
Although I know how hard it would be to reason rationally like that. You know they won't hear what you're saying. What they'll hear is you trying to control them. Animosity alights. Now they feel more justified than ever to spend as little time with you are they're obliged to, because you're obviously such a self-centered person.
NOT.
If they can't respect your wishes and refuse to give up any of San Francisco, chalk it up to a learning experience when it comes to dealing with your mom. IMO it sounds like cowardice on the part of your mom and step-dad. Maybe they're worried that a few days is too long to stay on good behavior (without the bottle). Maybe they're scared that the longer they hang around, the more likely "the past" will come up (god forbid they deal with any kind of honest confrontation, right?). Just know that their decisions have so little to do with you, compared to how much it has to do with their own insecurities/hang-ups/misery. It's their own damning stupidity for not being able to sober up long enough to see you for the independent success that you are. How is their blindness your fault OR your responsibility?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by decenda 
I think she drinks now because of the guilt she feels for abusing me.
You might ask if that's the case, and she might agree. But honestly, judging by what you've described, your mom needs any excuse to keep drinking. Her relationship with you is another reason to throw on the pile.
Sorry if my replies are coming across a little aggressively. I may be too easily frustrated by negligent, unacknowledging parents... especially those who clearly fail to recognize your efforts for no good reason other than selfishness. IMHO you're not doing anything wrong, decanda, to disqualify yourself from being loved by a parent. It just wouldn't make sense.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Posts: 4,706
decenda,
Have you bought the tickets already? Was it clear that you were paying them to come see you -- or could they have interpreted it as "my daughter was so nice to pay for a vacation for us, and we'll get to see her too!" ? Sometimes it's all in what they heard, not what you said.
This is a very tough situation that may have to go into the record book as "Things to Never Offer Again". I had an emergency trip to Los Angeles to "rescue" my alcoholic sister that set my bank accounts back to zero at a time when things were pretty dire. You guessed it: she didn't stay rescued, not even for a day. Chalk that up to "Okay. Learned THat Lesson. Ouch, ouch, ouch."
I agree with your boyfriend -- I'd be royally mad -- but I'm also the kind of person who would have trouble asking for the money back. If you CAN find a way to do this and not beat yourself up about it, I'd say go for it. If you made it 100% clear that you were paying for their tickets so they would be with you, then this is pretty disrespectful on their part.
There's nothing wrong with you, decenda. You should not feel guilty for saving your own life, and you are worthy of a mother's love without having any strings attached. Hugs to you,
GL
:ghug3
Have you bought the tickets already? Was it clear that you were paying them to come see you -- or could they have interpreted it as "my daughter was so nice to pay for a vacation for us, and we'll get to see her too!" ? Sometimes it's all in what they heard, not what you said.
This is a very tough situation that may have to go into the record book as "Things to Never Offer Again". I had an emergency trip to Los Angeles to "rescue" my alcoholic sister that set my bank accounts back to zero at a time when things were pretty dire. You guessed it: she didn't stay rescued, not even for a day. Chalk that up to "Okay. Learned THat Lesson. Ouch, ouch, ouch."
I agree with your boyfriend -- I'd be royally mad -- but I'm also the kind of person who would have trouble asking for the money back. If you CAN find a way to do this and not beat yourself up about it, I'd say go for it. If you made it 100% clear that you were paying for their tickets so they would be with you, then this is pretty disrespectful on their part.
There's nothing wrong with you, decenda. You should not feel guilty for saving your own life, and you are worthy of a mother's love without having any strings attached. Hugs to you,
GL
:ghug3
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Originally Posted by decenda
I don't know, I just feel crappy and unloved... I feel like I have to be a pretty crappy person to not even deserve that.
You put up a big wad of cash to fly them out to see you, and wanted them to spend time with you and see your life and say "Good job. You're a great kid! We love you!" It's not happening. They're not going to say that. They elected to take your gift of the tickets and use them for a free vacation, rather than spend time with you. They'd rather go to San Francisco then spend time with you. That's self-centered and selfish, but that's who they are.
They could have at least asked you before making plans without you. In a normal family, there would at least be some discussion of what was going to happen. A normal mom would call and say "Hey, thanks for the tickets. We were thinking about going to San Francisco for a couple of days during our trip. Is that okay with you? No? Okay, I respect your feelings. Maybe next time." You don't have a normal family so that's not what happened.
You deserve better than this. It's hard not to feel unlovable when your mother doesn't love you. I know this one from personal experience. My mother hates my guts. she had me when she was 17 to earn my father a draft deferral from Vietnam. She says I ruined her life. Everything that went wrong was because she had me. My inner monologue goes something like this "I'm so ******* defective that even my mother couldn't love me. What kind of freak is so awful that her mother can't love her?"
It's not true, though. You are loved. You have a boyfriend and friends and a life. You have love in your life. You're not defective. Your mother is defective. She has problems in her life that keep her from engaging fully in a relationship with you. She can't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
You need to focus on the people who can be in a relationship with you and love you fully. If you need mothering, you might need to find a mother-figure who can care for you fully: a therapist or a mentor or a neighbor or a church lady or someone.
As for the trip, cancel it or don't cancel it, as you prefer. But don't expect a good outcome from either the trip or the cancellation. She can't help you, and may hurt you. My mother told me once, when we were talking about her addiction: "I never acted to hurt you. It wasn't malicious." My response was "No, it wasn't malicious. But you didn't care. It didn't matter whether you hurt me or not. You did what you wanted to do." And that was the bottom line: my mother didn't care what happened to me, one way or another. Whatever I wanted from her, I wasn't going to get it. I had to find other relationships to give me the things that I wanted.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Posts: 471
decenda,
You are, yes ARE, lovable and deserving of love and respect.
You have accomplished much in moving and setting up a life for yourself.
Your BF and everyone here sees that you are, ARE, a good person and that you should get some kind of recognition from your mom and step-dad.
You probably will not get any of this from your mom and step-dad. It is not that their bar of acceptance is high - there is no bar. That is their problem - not yours. You are not responsible for their poor treatment of you in the past, now, or in the future. You are responsible for loving yourself.
Here is a tough question: Can you tolerate their visit with limited expectations of recognition and affirmation? If they spent their entire visit with you, you may find yourself counting the hours until they leave.
You are, yes ARE, lovable and deserving of love and respect.
You have accomplished much in moving and setting up a life for yourself.
Your BF and everyone here sees that you are, ARE, a good person and that you should get some kind of recognition from your mom and step-dad.
You probably will not get any of this from your mom and step-dad. It is not that their bar of acceptance is high - there is no bar. That is their problem - not yours. You are not responsible for their poor treatment of you in the past, now, or in the future. You are responsible for loving yourself.
Here is a tough question: Can you tolerate their visit with limited expectations of recognition and affirmation? If they spent their entire visit with you, you may find yourself counting the hours until they leave.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Originally Posted by grewupinabarn
Can you tolerate their visit with limited expectations of recognition and affirmation? If they spent their entire visit with you, you may find yourself counting the hours until they leave.
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