utopia

I have my birthday coming up and just wanted a dinner with my mother and sister. I don't have time with all of us together very often and its often a tradition on birthdays we have family dinners. My sister has made it known that if i do "it would be courteous to invite her partner".

I find myself feeling put out, feeling like she's selfishly imposing on MY special day and questioning if its even worth it because my sister is sensitive and not in recovery as far as i know. not becos i dont like her partner, shes a lovely lady but i dont know her as deeply as my family whom i love and whom i share a deep history.

. I see it as my mother sister and I having been through a lot growing up and just want it to be us three sharing a meal. thanks to recovery i just like to be near them and listen to them, i no longer expect some dream but i do like it when theres noone but us three. I believe that my sister has this complex that I still dont like her partner, maybe shes not comfortable with "us three".

her wanting to bring her partner makes me feel like she needs to bring entertainment/support to endure being with mum and me...i know when i was a teenager i was envious and sad that she had friends and boyfriends when i was single and a loner lost in my depressive moods.

years later as adults she still , even after amends and telling her many times i do accept that her partner is family to me, that im happy if shes happy, she seems to keep bringing up the whole "why wont utopia accept my partner" drama. :wtf2 let it go woman!! i dont hate your partner!!

mum understands from both points of view. mother and i have no partners but even if i did i would still want it to be just us three...i dont understand her and my sister doesnt understand me!!!

question>>>what ways can i communicate this as my sister is so quick to take offense which triggers my built up irritation at having to walk on eggshells about stating my needs to her. i wouldnt care any other occasion except that its my birthday and the only day i feel that i have the place to ask for who and what we do for a dinner out or at home or at least who comes to my bday, is this childish i wonder?. i feel now that if i dont invite her partner shes going to be stroppy and the dinner is pointless.

but i also feel that my sister should consider that for once this is not about her and that i dont care either way about her partner but i guess in a family shredded by alcoholism im living in a reality that is not possible. can we ever hope for anything?

views?

Peter

Wow. I dunno', that one is kinda sensitive.

From what I can see it appears that the bigger part of the problem is that your sister does not seem to understand that you do not dislike her partner.

As long as she feels there is some dislike there will always be tension. You need to find I way to make your sister understand that you do not hate the woman.

You do have a right to decide who you want to share your birthday with but what may happen is your sister is going to regard her partner's exclusion from the dinner as further sign of your rejection of her.

You need to have your needs respected but at the same time so does your sister even if you don't fully understand why she needs to invite her partner.

Even when I do not completely like my siblings choice of partners I know I have to accept that they are part of the territory when family events take place. I tread a very delicate path in my relationships with my brothers and sisters when I try to exclude their partners.

Talk to your sister. That's all you can do. I hope it all goes well. And Happy Birthday.

GiveLove

Here is a possibility. Maybe it will work. I think it's important too that you're as frank with your sister as you are with us about your feelings, especially the good ones.

You could make two dates, a couple of weeks apart.

One with just the three of you, and you could let your sis know that you find just being with her & your mom really healing for you, and that you hope she understands and supports you having a close, intimate birthday.

One with the four of you, and you could let your sis know that you like and accept her partner and want her partner to feel welcome. If there are others who would contribute to a fun, supportive, and lively gathering, invite them along too. the more, the merrier.

It is all in how you explain it to her, utopia. I know that, as a married person, if my husband's family were to invite him & others to an event but exclude me, it would be rather hurtful. If your sister sees herself as married, she's likely feeling the same thing.

I know you're after a special day with no compromises, but I think it may pay off in joy if you were extremely kind here. Think of it as an investment in fantastic future birthdays.

And anyway.......aren't two celebrations better than one?

GingerM

I second GiveLove's proposition, and, if it were me, I would go one step further and invite only your sister/sister's partner for an evening together. One can never have too many enjoyable evenings.

I would also take great pains to express to your sister that this birthday celebration has nothing to do with whether you do or do not like her partner, that even if your mom had a partner, you would still like it to be just the three of you, and that it's an issue with you and wanting to be with close family, not an issue with her partner.

utopia

Thanks, Ive given up and just invited them all. whats the point.

dothi

Your sister reminds me a lot of mine (I'm the oldest "golden" child, she's the middle "lost" child, AF, codie mom). She's also EXTREMELY sensitive to any criticism, and we've gone through hoops over her need for us to accept her boyfriends. For about 3 years she had a boyfriend who absolutely had to attend every family function that she attended - christmas, birthdays, all special ocassions. Although it was clear that her boyfriend had controlling issues (he hung around essentially to keep an eye on her), she needed to feel accepted by the family. And part of accepting her was accepting him. Until she felt that, this issue could not be separated from any others.

Yes, it was frustrating. But after a few boyfriend-wins and sucking up having to spend time with him, I approached her. I explained to her that sometimes it's nice hanging out with mom and dad, and sometimes it's nice with just mom. Same with you - sometimes it's nice to have just you, and I'm not saying that I never want to spend time with you and your boyfriend. I had to constantly relate everything back to her (e.g. would you want to spend your birthday with my boyfriend hanging around all day? probably not so much). I also credit the fact that my sister was still young and learning that being in a relationship doesn't mean completely immeshing in each other's lives. She knew what my boundaries were, and she wasn't cut out completely either way. This also helped her recognize situations when she would tell her boyfriend no, and she could see for herself how ridiculously over-protective he was being.

It took her a long time to start proactively seeking a better balance in her relationship. When it became clear that he wasn't going to change, she left him. But not without many uncomfortable get-togethers with him looming around. All the while my parents bit their tongue and tolerated him, desperately wanting her to know that their door was always open to her (even if it meant him too).

I suspect (to some extent) this could be the same for your sister. Her need to have her boyfriend present is far more about her (and her feeling like her decisions are accepted by the family) than it is about imposing on you. He's probably her crutch for confidence too; she may feel more at ease knowing that at least one person at this event will agree with what she has to say. As the family lost child, my sister's social development was grossly set back by how much she was isolated growing up (parents assumed she didn't have any social needs because she never spoke up; often when she did speak up, she was ridiculed). So by the time she was an adult, she still had a very juvenile approach to relationsihps - toting her boyfriend around to all family get-togethers being one such symptom.

I think if your sister is willing to talk about the boyfriend issue, really *really* listen and acknowledge what she has to say (even if it's completely juvenile). Accept that she might not be ready to really understand what is important to you, and so you'll have to relate everything back to her. Clearly she feels there's something you're doing/have done to suggest to your sister that you don't truly accept her boyfriend. Talk to her about this. Decide together if it's reasonable. Then try discussing what is reasonable for future visits and what is not, and see if you can agree on a set of standards. That way you're both feel respected. I suspect you and your sister are coming from very different places; it doesn't matter that you've come from the same alcohol shredded family, it's had very different impacts on both of you. In some ways you may even subconsciously reinforce those roles on each other, as a force of habit. It may take a lot of work to learn how to communicate effectively - good luck!

GiveLove

"The point" was that you could have the best of both worlds - the birthday you want AND something that might strengthen your relationship with your sister, who is one of your allies as I understand it.

utopia

thanks guys.