Free4now

I am a recovery addict and the adult child of two alcoholics and all the way down on both sides of their families. I've been through the usual stuff we go through.

I have been clean for nearly five years and still can't get myself to date...I have instant fear when someone even pays any attention to me. I want to change that but I don't know how. I have been to psychologists and psychiatrists...they ask how my week was and blah, blah, blah...I can get that at a meeting or talking with a friend and it doesn't cost me $$$. I am doing diligent step work (my 4th set). I don't even know how to flirt anymore.

Anyone out there expeience this and what helped?:wtf2

GiveLove

free4now,

How do you do with friendships? Do you have the same kinds of problems?

If you have a therapist who's asking you how your day was for an hour, then you need to find someone else. What else did they try to talk about?

Here's why I ask: I was on my third one before I finally found a guy who was willing to ask questions, send me home with homework, and give me verrry small steps to try. I do well with that kind of "active therapy" and the rest of it does nothing at all for me.

Mostly, re-learning how to do intimacy was a practice practice practice thing with me, starting with tiny seemingly inconsequential steps and working my way up. And it always started with friendships, not flirting.

I tried to notice when people "did intimacy" well - were honest, articulate, and courageous about it - and I wrote a lot in a Learning Journal. And as weird as it sounds, classes like Debra Fine's "The Fine Art of Small Talk" helped me to practice. Tiny steps, with a specific goal in mind. I think mine was just to have an entire conversation with a stranger (of 3 minutes or more) without blushing, stammering, or otherwise completely embarrassing myself.

Do you have a specific goal?

Mostly, I think I had to have confidence in the facts that 1) I was love-able, 2) I had something to contribute to a relationship, and 3) I was willing to admit my flaws and continue to work on them. It got a lot easier after that.

lizw

I relate and if you want some emotional pain, try googling 'emotional, sexual and social anorexia'.

I ask about the emotional pain first, as it is not very pretty picture according to the info.

The cure for me, is a day at a time and forcing myself to stay "emotionally current" with my recovery friends and sponsor. What I mean by that is telling the truth about what I am thinking and feeling, no matter how stupid, silly or unimportant it seems.

GingerM

I also had some issues with dating for a period of time (the period after I realized that something was really not right with me). A friend of mine took out a personal ad for me, and told me to go out with every single person who responded.

What then followed was what I call my "extreme dating" phase. I rarely went out with anyone more than once because I could see that they were far more damaged than I cared to deal with (hint: on a first date, don't tell your date that your last significant other has a restraining order against you).

But what it did was something like aversion therapy. By going out with so many people (admittedly, the first 5 - 10 dates were pretty frightening to me), I realized that nothing really mattered, I wasn't likely to see the person again, and I didn't really care what they thought of me. As horrible as this sounds, I continued taking out personal ads and going on these "one time only" dates out of morbid curiousity - to see how many really badly damaged people were out there.

It definitely got me over my fear of dating. I now thing of dating as being much like interviewing for a job - the more you do it, the more comfortable you get at it, and the more comfortable you get at it, the better you get at it.

I don't know if this would work for you or not, I'm sure it's not for everyone, but it certainly has given me a whole lot of stories to tell