Dad died of alcoholism
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 2
Dad died of alcoholism
Hi
My Dad died 2yrs ago from complications of cirrosis of the liver..from being an alcoholic. My mom is an alcoholic also.Her health is also going down hill.
Im not dealing with my Dad's death very well...I also have a very bad image of his death cause he died in my arms at the hospital and he was bleeding constantly from his mouth..
I need my mom at this time in my life and she is not her self cause of the alcohol.
Im so angry that my Dad drank himself to death and left us..Im so sad that I will never see him,,Im so mad that my mom is probably going to die of the same thing...
I used to be a very optimistic person but now find myself very negative..
I have a family of my own.. and I dont drink and am a fun loving Dad...
But I no that inside Im not myself and need help dealing with this..
I have such sad history with my parents and have some how been able to hide it in me..
Thank you for listening
Eric
My Dad died 2yrs ago from complications of cirrosis of the liver..from being an alcoholic. My mom is an alcoholic also.Her health is also going down hill.
Im not dealing with my Dad's death very well...I also have a very bad image of his death cause he died in my arms at the hospital and he was bleeding constantly from his mouth..
I need my mom at this time in my life and she is not her self cause of the alcohol.
Im so angry that my Dad drank himself to death and left us..Im so sad that I will never see him,,Im so mad that my mom is probably going to die of the same thing...
I used to be a very optimistic person but now find myself very negative..
I have a family of my own.. and I dont drink and am a fun loving Dad...
But I no that inside Im not myself and need help dealing with this..
I have such sad history with my parents and have some how been able to hide it in me..
Thank you for listening
Eric
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Welcome, trumpet. I'm so sorry your mom has chosen this route in life. And I'm really sorry about your dad.
My parents both compromised their health with alcohol and drugs too, and while they didn't die of cirrhosis, their addictions contributed to their early deaths (at 63 and 45).
Have you thought about a short of run of private counseling of some kind to help you sort out the tangle of thoughts in your head about everything that's happened? I was never a "therapy type" but I am so glad I chose that for myself. It really helped point my feet, my head, and my heart in the right direction. Al-Anon helped too -- it helped me to forgive them, and forgive myself.
Sending you strength and hope, for your sake and for your kids'.
Hugs,
GL
My parents both compromised their health with alcohol and drugs too, and while they didn't die of cirrhosis, their addictions contributed to their early deaths (at 63 and 45).
Have you thought about a short of run of private counseling of some kind to help you sort out the tangle of thoughts in your head about everything that's happened? I was never a "therapy type" but I am so glad I chose that for myself. It really helped point my feet, my head, and my heart in the right direction. Al-Anon helped too -- it helped me to forgive them, and forgive myself.
Sending you strength and hope, for your sake and for your kids'.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 2
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your support... I have consider some kind of counseling.. and probably should do that.. I've always wanted to go to an Al-Anon mtg.
My Dad was only 50 and my mom is 53, I wish my mom would see that she is going down the same path of my dad.
Thank you
My Dad was only 50 and my mom is 53, I wish my mom would see that she is going down the same path of my dad.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 39
Hi Eric! I also lost my dad to alcoholism at the age of 50. But he took his own life! I know what you are going through. I think it would be a whole lot easier for you if your mom could be there for you. Have you tried talking to her and be completely honest and let her know how you feel and how her drinking is impacting you. Stay strong, be there for your own family.
Chickenlady
Chickenlady
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Trumpet,
It is great that you are posting and seeking counseling. Grief is a process and it really goes much better if you have someone to talk to. Your grief for an alcoholic parent who died from their alcoholism make the counseling even more important. I know how hard it is. Even when friends and relatives express condolences, it is impossible to tell them about the alcoholism and the self-destruction that happened right in front of you. Nor can you mention the helplessness that you felt then or the frustration and guilt that you feel now.
My mother died in a car accident (she was driving alone). She had been alcoholic for years, as was my father, and had been suffering blackouts as her heath failed from all the drinking. She blacked out and hit a tree less than a mile from our home. The scarred tree is still there today, 27 years later. I was 18 at the time. I pleaded with her many times to get help, to get well.
After the funeral I returned to school and did not talk to anyone. No one. No counseling. I did not tell any professors or advisers. And none of my roommates were remotely interested in hearing about a dead parent. My grades dropped and I nearly flunked out within a year. This was the price of no counseling and thinking that I could handle it on my own.
My father died 8 years later of sudden heart failure. He suffered heart problems for many years, and though his death was not directly related to his alcoholism, it definitely did not help. I handled his death much much better by talking to several very helpful close relatives. Oddly enough, several of my coworkers (all men in that office) thought in odd that I would feel any sadness as my father's death was so quick. We guys are awful at sympathy for each other at times. I still could not talk about his alcoholism with any relatives.
So, Trumpet, Go and talk. A counselor would be great as you can talk about your dad's alcoholism. You could also talk to a trusted friend or relative, just to help with the grieving process, but it may be hard to bring up alcoholism issue.
Take good care!
It is great that you are posting and seeking counseling. Grief is a process and it really goes much better if you have someone to talk to. Your grief for an alcoholic parent who died from their alcoholism make the counseling even more important. I know how hard it is. Even when friends and relatives express condolences, it is impossible to tell them about the alcoholism and the self-destruction that happened right in front of you. Nor can you mention the helplessness that you felt then or the frustration and guilt that you feel now.
My mother died in a car accident (she was driving alone). She had been alcoholic for years, as was my father, and had been suffering blackouts as her heath failed from all the drinking. She blacked out and hit a tree less than a mile from our home. The scarred tree is still there today, 27 years later. I was 18 at the time. I pleaded with her many times to get help, to get well.
After the funeral I returned to school and did not talk to anyone. No one. No counseling. I did not tell any professors or advisers. And none of my roommates were remotely interested in hearing about a dead parent. My grades dropped and I nearly flunked out within a year. This was the price of no counseling and thinking that I could handle it on my own.
My father died 8 years later of sudden heart failure. He suffered heart problems for many years, and though his death was not directly related to his alcoholism, it definitely did not help. I handled his death much much better by talking to several very helpful close relatives. Oddly enough, several of my coworkers (all men in that office) thought in odd that I would feel any sadness as my father's death was so quick. We guys are awful at sympathy for each other at times. I still could not talk about his alcoholism with any relatives.
So, Trumpet, Go and talk. A counselor would be great as you can talk about your dad's alcoholism. You could also talk to a trusted friend or relative, just to help with the grieving process, but it may be hard to bring up alcoholism issue.
Take good care!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: martin ga
Posts: 1
i am 28 yrs old. I have a family of my own now. I have been through so much with my dad over the past 15 yrs. He owned and ran a very successful business, he lost it all including his home, he drank everything away. Friday i went pick my dad up from the hospital and walked in on the conversation that he and his doc were having and i learned that his liver was failing completely and his kidneys were only working 10%. the doctor said he had maybe a month. what do i do. how do u get through something like this. how do you face watching the strongest man u ever knew reduced to a helpless man that doesnt even care wether or not he lives or dies. how do you deal with the comments that you hear the whispers...."he did it to himself" i know he did, i agree but that doesnt change the fact that my daddy is dying... and dying very soon. how am i supposed to get through this . he is only 58. my daughter is 4 she probally wont even remember him.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
amy282008,
You are in a sad and very difficult situation. Your dad is not going to live much longer so you have to do the best with the time you have. And you can do alot. The time for blaming, shame, and finding fault is past, it's done, it's over. Period. Now is the time for love and respect. It seems that he cares for you so you have to be strong for him and your daughter.
The opinions of those 'wispering' fools do not matter. At all. Those folks are just irritating to people like you who are trying to show care and love to a very sick person. Whispered opinions are not important, and those who whisper them are less important. Love is important and the love of your family is very important.
I lost both my parents as a young adult. I wrote about it earlier in this thread. I do miss them both in spite of the many years of alcoholism and all the damage. I wish I had a bit of time with both of them to forgive them and say goodbye.
You have my prayers. Take good care of yourself.
You are in a sad and very difficult situation. Your dad is not going to live much longer so you have to do the best with the time you have. And you can do alot. The time for blaming, shame, and finding fault is past, it's done, it's over. Period. Now is the time for love and respect. It seems that he cares for you so you have to be strong for him and your daughter.
The opinions of those 'wispering' fools do not matter. At all. Those folks are just irritating to people like you who are trying to show care and love to a very sick person. Whispered opinions are not important, and those who whisper them are less important. Love is important and the love of your family is very important.
I lost both my parents as a young adult. I wrote about it earlier in this thread. I do miss them both in spite of the many years of alcoholism and all the damage. I wish I had a bit of time with both of them to forgive them and say goodbye.
You have my prayers. Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: northern ireland
Posts: 1
I am in trouble and need help
Throughout my childhood I didn't realise anything was wrong with my home life. My parents drank regularly and fought with each other saying the most hurtful things. Physical abuse was regular and I was lifted from my bed many nights to run barefoot to a neighbours house. I hated my dad and was frightened of him - but then my mum and him were friends again and I had to accept that everything was ok. I had to be respectful and 'love him' again.
When I was 7 years old, and my 6 month old baby sister was in her pram - my mum went out looking for my dad and took us with her. She brought us round many bars and pubs in the town until we eventually found him. He was there with my uncle and 2 ladies. I could sense a tense atmosphere and know mum was annoyed with him. I needed to go to the loo and one of the ladies said she was going too and would take me. When we had finished, we were leaving the ladies room and my dad was waiting outside. He told me to 'go on ahead downstairs - we will follow you'. I did as I was told, but I wondered what was wrong. When I reached the bottom of the stairs - I looked up and saw my dad and the lady kissing. I don't remember what happened next. I think I must have been in shock - but I said nothing of what I had seen.
On the way home - my mum and dad were rowing and mum seemed to notice that something was wrong with me. She stopped me in the street and said I could go no further until I told her what was wrong. I blurted out the truth - and my dad flew into a rage and said I was a lying wee b###h.
My mum marched me 4 miles across town to the house of the lady concerned and confronted her. She denied it until my mum pulled me by the arm and made me tell her what I had seen. She had to admit it.
From that day on - my mum told me that my dad hated me for what I had done. He loved my sister more than me. She would use me as a weapon in arguments and try to get me to take sides. She said he would never forgive me for telling on him.
Unfortunately - my mum and dad became alcoholics. Life was unbearable and I got pregant at 15 (my saving grace). I never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next. At the age of 16 I found my dad 15 minutes from death after taking a massive overdose. He was pumped out and was ok - and that night I cryed and cryed and my mum said 'why are you crying? he's ok isn't he?' I felt guilty for crying - but I was still in shock but felt I couldn't talk about it.
My dad told me a few weeks later that he knew he would kill himself - but next time he would do it right. I spent the next number of years in constant worry about him and my stomach was in knots every time the phone rang. He finally hanged himself in 2002.
Since then my mum has attempted suicide 5 times. She has been found lying drunk by a river - ready to throw herself in. She sends me and my daughter text messages telling us she loves us and wants to say goodbye. She then switches her phone off.
I have now unfortunately started drinking more heavily than I should. It helps me to cope with the pain of everything - but I know it's not right and I want to stop. I just don't know how.
I have a good job. I am a manager in a bank and I have 16 lovely staff who really respect me and tell me that I am the best manager they have had. I think that is because I always put everyone elses needs before my own.
I have no 'REAL FRIENDS' no family worth talking about and mny boyfriend who I loved has just dumped me.
I feel so alone.
Can anyone give me advice. Oh - and I should mention that my ex husband (father of my daughter) almost murdered me and we divorced - but he doesn't pay child support - so I am in financial trouble too. I also suffer from depression and anxiety
When I was 7 years old, and my 6 month old baby sister was in her pram - my mum went out looking for my dad and took us with her. She brought us round many bars and pubs in the town until we eventually found him. He was there with my uncle and 2 ladies. I could sense a tense atmosphere and know mum was annoyed with him. I needed to go to the loo and one of the ladies said she was going too and would take me. When we had finished, we were leaving the ladies room and my dad was waiting outside. He told me to 'go on ahead downstairs - we will follow you'. I did as I was told, but I wondered what was wrong. When I reached the bottom of the stairs - I looked up and saw my dad and the lady kissing. I don't remember what happened next. I think I must have been in shock - but I said nothing of what I had seen.
On the way home - my mum and dad were rowing and mum seemed to notice that something was wrong with me. She stopped me in the street and said I could go no further until I told her what was wrong. I blurted out the truth - and my dad flew into a rage and said I was a lying wee b###h.
My mum marched me 4 miles across town to the house of the lady concerned and confronted her. She denied it until my mum pulled me by the arm and made me tell her what I had seen. She had to admit it.
From that day on - my mum told me that my dad hated me for what I had done. He loved my sister more than me. She would use me as a weapon in arguments and try to get me to take sides. She said he would never forgive me for telling on him.
Unfortunately - my mum and dad became alcoholics. Life was unbearable and I got pregant at 15 (my saving grace). I never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next. At the age of 16 I found my dad 15 minutes from death after taking a massive overdose. He was pumped out and was ok - and that night I cryed and cryed and my mum said 'why are you crying? he's ok isn't he?' I felt guilty for crying - but I was still in shock but felt I couldn't talk about it.
My dad told me a few weeks later that he knew he would kill himself - but next time he would do it right. I spent the next number of years in constant worry about him and my stomach was in knots every time the phone rang. He finally hanged himself in 2002.
Since then my mum has attempted suicide 5 times. She has been found lying drunk by a river - ready to throw herself in. She sends me and my daughter text messages telling us she loves us and wants to say goodbye. She then switches her phone off.
I have now unfortunately started drinking more heavily than I should. It helps me to cope with the pain of everything - but I know it's not right and I want to stop. I just don't know how.
I have a good job. I am a manager in a bank and I have 16 lovely staff who really respect me and tell me that I am the best manager they have had. I think that is because I always put everyone elses needs before my own.
I have no 'REAL FRIENDS' no family worth talking about and mny boyfriend who I loved has just dumped me.
I feel so alone.
Can anyone give me advice. Oh - and I should mention that my ex husband (father of my daughter) almost murdered me and we divorced - but he doesn't pay child support - so I am in financial trouble too. I also suffer from depression and anxiety
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
I found that talking with someone was very helpful to understand my poor childhood. I went to a professional counselor, but there are other options. Know that you are not alone in your experiences and your feeling of helplessness. Here, I am sure we have all felt that way sometime in our lives. Someone else should be along soon to talk about your drinking. This is not an area I am familiar with. Good luck!
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
michelle894
You are in control of yourself and you have to take care of yourself. For your sake and for your daughter.
You cannot control you mother. She is making her own choices. You need to set some boundaries. Her addiction is affecting you. You can tell her you love her but you have to limit contact for the sake of your own sanity and the care of your daughter. Until you set boundaries you are enabling her addiction and it turns out worse for both of you. Yes - even receiving phone calls and listening can be enabling, and destructive for you.
You were not, NOT, responsible for you dad's choices, your mom's addiction, or your parents' marital problems. You were a child. While it is impossible, and unwise, to erase memories you can, and should, leave the guilt behind Today. You do not deserve any of that guilt no matter what anyone in your family says. Period.
Look around for al-anon meetings, and maybe AA meetings, and keep posting here.
You have a good job, employees that respect you, and a daughter. You deserve to take better care of yourself. You have made a big step forward to come here to post and read.
And Welcome to SR!
:ghug3
You are in control of yourself and you have to take care of yourself. For your sake and for your daughter.
You cannot control you mother. She is making her own choices. You need to set some boundaries. Her addiction is affecting you. You can tell her you love her but you have to limit contact for the sake of your own sanity and the care of your daughter. Until you set boundaries you are enabling her addiction and it turns out worse for both of you. Yes - even receiving phone calls and listening can be enabling, and destructive for you.
You were not, NOT, responsible for you dad's choices, your mom's addiction, or your parents' marital problems. You were a child. While it is impossible, and unwise, to erase memories you can, and should, leave the guilt behind Today. You do not deserve any of that guilt no matter what anyone in your family says. Period.
Look around for al-anon meetings, and maybe AA meetings, and keep posting here.
You have a good job, employees that respect you, and a daughter. You deserve to take better care of yourself. You have made a big step forward to come here to post and read.
And Welcome to SR!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Michelle,
I'm so, so sorry your parents forced you to go through so much.
This is purely a reflection on them -- not on you. But it has shaped you and that is just so sad, as you sound like a sensitive and lovely person.
Have you considered stopping drinking? Can you do so with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous or local resources? Pouring depressants through your body is only going to make things worse - and just because your parents chose these kinds of dark roads does not mean it's your destiny.
Through my work, I was able to talk with a counselor once every week or so, and it was so helpful in straightening out the mess that was my heart and soul. Do you have that possibility? It can make life so much better for you...
Hugs, and wishing you the strength to find a better way for yourself, away from this chaos and into a life that feels right. You deserve it.
I'm so, so sorry your parents forced you to go through so much.
This is purely a reflection on them -- not on you. But it has shaped you and that is just so sad, as you sound like a sensitive and lovely person.
Have you considered stopping drinking? Can you do so with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous or local resources? Pouring depressants through your body is only going to make things worse - and just because your parents chose these kinds of dark roads does not mean it's your destiny.
Through my work, I was able to talk with a counselor once every week or so, and it was so helpful in straightening out the mess that was my heart and soul. Do you have that possibility? It can make life so much better for you...
Hugs, and wishing you the strength to find a better way for yourself, away from this chaos and into a life that feels right. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Yorkshire
Posts: 3
My dad finally made it.
I've been told to 'indulge' ones self so-
emotional indulgence
Work In progress
'I'
Have a switch that is flicked
Never felt as I feel
Never feel as I have felt,
Enveloped in its wrath
Surges through my neck
In tandem with my heart
Emotion my acquaintance
Interested when we meet
Am alive in this field
Paid a price for this ticket
Around me has weight
The liquor is sweet
Taste the thick vapour
We will all meet our maker
Xxxx
I've been told to 'indulge' ones self so-
emotional indulgence
Work In progress
'I'
Have a switch that is flicked
Never felt as I feel
Never feel as I have felt,
Enveloped in its wrath
Surges through my neck
In tandem with my heart
Emotion my acquaintance
Interested when we meet
Am alive in this field
Paid a price for this ticket
Around me has weight
The liquor is sweet
Taste the thick vapour
We will all meet our maker
Xxxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
My Dad didn't kill himself but he was never there for me or my siblings. I can't imagine what you all are going through and I'm sorry. But what you can do is take care of yourself. You don't deserve this. You didn't cause this You can't cure it and you can't control it. But you can control yourself. You have your whole life to live and be happy and you do deserve to be happy. I know it seems impossible now but it will happen. Please all consider counseling with a professional and or clergy. And try joining Alanon. You need to be able to talk with people who understand. We will be here for you. Saying a prayer for you all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 32
To all who are suffering here......I know it seems so daunting and frightening to take those first steps to get help but my experience has always been that once I do it and get there it always helps so much that I wonder what took me so long!!!! There is never any need to suffer in alone......no matter what it is, there are loving, caring people out there who can help. There are others who have been through similar things and similar pain. People who can listen and really hear your pain.
There is no easy way to lose someone you love but I think that there is a uniquely terrible kind of pain when the person destroyed themselves and there was nothing you could do to save them. I believe that it is nearly impossible to process such a thing in a way that will not negatively affect your own future without help. My father suicided (leaving an angry note to my Mother about her alcoholism) She kept right on drinking and will probably die an alcoholic death. I sought help in therapy and through a suicide survivor support group to get me through that awful time. In ways I think his suicide was easier that watching her pour her life and our family down her gullet but there is help for that too. I can't say that it ever ceases to be painful but with help it does get better.
All parents....good ones and bad ones...lead by example and there are lessons to be learned that can make our own lives better. Sometimes the lesson is who not to be and how not to live. I suspect that I would not be nearly as compassionate a person,nor as good with children or all sorts of other positive things, had I not had these two as parents. I try to be grateful for that. I was in early recovery from my own alcoholism when my father died......rather than give me an excuse to drink (to block out the pain) it gave me even more reasons not to. In these and other ways I have made meaning and found purpose in my journey through my grief. As time has gone on I have been able to help others who find themselves on the same journey and this too has been healing.
If you are suffering please reach out for help (coming here is a great start). I guarantee that you will never be sorry that you did. There is no need to suffer alone.
There is no easy way to lose someone you love but I think that there is a uniquely terrible kind of pain when the person destroyed themselves and there was nothing you could do to save them. I believe that it is nearly impossible to process such a thing in a way that will not negatively affect your own future without help. My father suicided (leaving an angry note to my Mother about her alcoholism) She kept right on drinking and will probably die an alcoholic death. I sought help in therapy and through a suicide survivor support group to get me through that awful time. In ways I think his suicide was easier that watching her pour her life and our family down her gullet but there is help for that too. I can't say that it ever ceases to be painful but with help it does get better.
All parents....good ones and bad ones...lead by example and there are lessons to be learned that can make our own lives better. Sometimes the lesson is who not to be and how not to live. I suspect that I would not be nearly as compassionate a person,nor as good with children or all sorts of other positive things, had I not had these two as parents. I try to be grateful for that. I was in early recovery from my own alcoholism when my father died......rather than give me an excuse to drink (to block out the pain) it gave me even more reasons not to. In these and other ways I have made meaning and found purpose in my journey through my grief. As time has gone on I have been able to help others who find themselves on the same journey and this too has been healing.
If you are suffering please reach out for help (coming here is a great start). I guarantee that you will never be sorry that you did. There is no need to suffer alone.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
