Wascally Wabbit

I notice a tendancy in me to be quiet, not make waves. Of course this is typical ACOA behavior.
Some of you know my mom. She is the non stop complainer. She lives 3 hours away, but I call her often. She's been doing the "I don't know how I am going to make it" routine with me for years now. From health problems, that I believe she either makes up, or is a hypocondriac and believes she is sick,therefore makes her self sick, to the "I don't have enough money" guilt trip.
She has enough. She's not rich, but she gets a pretty nice gov't check including Soc Sec.

I don't have to go thru the details of the traumatic childhood I had, as I am sure you all have that story too. But, she's been sober over 30 years. The hatefulness left, but all the other stupid things are still there. Paranoia, fear, constant complaining. Then, trying to dump it all on me, as if I could do something about her "conditions". She tries her best to make me feel like I should be responsible for her because she's old.

We have never talked about the past. You know, it's the alcoholic who goes through the 9th step, and completely forgot about their own children! Then, they pretend nothing ever happened.

She's old. She's 76. She won't be here forever. I do love her despite her personality.

But, I find myself really wanting to confront her about all this BS, and how unfair she's being to me by dumping on me all her fear and son on.
Unfair that she would think that I should be responsible for her, take her into my home and live as her slave until she is no longer with us.

My sister won't have anything at all to do with her for over 10 yrs.

I know Im ranting. Im not even thinking ahead before I type either.

Have any of you just let your parent have it after they stopped drinking?
What came of it if you did.

Thanks for letting me go on like this!!

sadgirl25

I have only let my Mum have it when she has sobered up the next day with my Dad there too having a go but it doesn't seem to make any difference as she recoils and does the whole "Yes I am useless, poor me" thing which gets us nowhere. It's hard to know whether it is right or not for you to try now. I think you should for your own sanity but at the same time it could go either way as to how your relationship is between now and when she passes. Would you feel worse after her death if you hadn't had it out with her or if you had?

Wascally Wabbit

Sadgirl, thanks for the question. Would I feel worse?
That's going to take some thought actually. I know how good it would feel right now.
you're right about it not making any difference. I can see tears well up in her eyes, and then make me out to be the bad guy because I was trying to cause and old woman stress, "with all her medical conditions".

dothi

Hey Wascally, go ahead and confront - or at least burn off that bottled up anger somehow. But don't expect her to recognize her role in it. If she hasn't acknowledged your hurt and/or frustration at any other point in your life, it's unlikely she'll start now. However, I do think you should let her know that her complaining is not okay. By remaining silent, you're constantly reaffirming for her that she's justified to complain about *everything*. So she'll never be in reality when it comes to the past. Force her into your reality now.

What about making a list of these common avenues of emotional grief, and start shutting them down? Basically set up some boundaries. Let her know that you don't want to talk about x anymore, and if she insists, leave. She should get the message pretty quickly. Heck, draw the line and say you'll chitchat, but only about positive things. Your mom doesn't *need* to talk about depressing crap all the time. Just because you're her child doesn't mean you HAVE to hear all her innermost and depressing thoughts. That's what friends are for, and you're not her friend - you're her child. No friends? Too bad. You're still her child.

I don't know much about your history with your mom, but if she was classically alcoholic and lacked genuine relationships with her children (not founded on fear or guilt), then she is probably so used to manipulating her children with guilt, that she doesn't even realize she's doing it. She probably doesn't even know any other way to communicate with you.

That was a realization I came to with my alcoholic father (mid 60s). We've been in an emotionally incestuously relationship for so long (I was the golden child and "fixer"). In the past when I've been angry with him, he just kicks up the, "I have no money and I'm going to die" routine and supersizes the guilt until I'm so worn down he can take my silence for consent. More recently I learned to just get up and walk away when he can't find something positive to talk about. Usually it's accompanied with "I don't want to talk about this." The result has been that he looks for something we *can* talk about (we both like nature shows and TV) and is eager to bring that up when we see each other. I know he doesn't understand why, but he never really understood me to begin with. I had to accept the way he was all my life. Now he can accept this about me. This has had moderate success (ineffective when alcoholic is drunk), and his depressive talk generally looms in the background, but I don't hear so much of it anymore. In fact, I'm the only immediate family member he doesn't rant to regularly anymore.

End point: try changing her "needs". And don't forget: she needs YOU these days. I hope this helps!

tromboneliness

That's my dilemma, too. My dad (88) is the same alcoholic raging control freak that he's always been, and now feels that I should (there's that word) take care of him, now that he's... an 88-year-old alcoholic raging control freak.

Confronting him (whatever that means -- yelling and screaming, I guess) would not do any good, simply because he would not recognize what he is and what he's done to the rest of us. He has never acknowledged any of that -- I'm sure he's totally oblivious to it, in fact, and thinks he's a model husband and father, and far superior to the rest of us -- so why on Earth would he all of a sudden see the light, at 88?

So my coping strategy -- admittedly not a great one -- has been, and is, to avoid him as much as possible and just run out the clock. I've got more time than he does, so every day that I don't have to deal with him is one more tick off that clock. Not great, but at least it prevents any more damage from being inflicted....

utopia

I ask myself. What would i do if this was a person in my life and NOT my parent. What would my higher power have me do? What outcome am I attached to, what expectation do I have of this person who is my parent. CAn I see how my attachment is causing my suffering?no matter how reasonable or human of me it is? Have I accepted the possibility that I may never have the relationship I want, that I needed as a child......for me, my step 8 and 9 is about healing my hurts I inflicted on myself with my expectations and that integrity and honesty need to be restored to my relationships. even if that means saying goodbye to a relationship......to accept that they will never "get it"///recovery taught me TRUE INTIMACY is impossible unless BOTH people are HONEST and OPEN and WILLING to be present for that interaction....being the only open person as a child (at times lol) taught me a lot ofmy life had NO intimacy so had this void that only recovery has come close to filling....that being said there is great healing potential in confronting the feelings and stating the boundaries that need to be set..i think getting professional help is great to have a third party so that personalities and resentments keep our REAL MOTIVES in check when confronting.....when confronting my loved ones i have needed to LET GO of all expectations and go in with kindness, patience and ,,,acceptance.....I've confronted my mother commenting on WHAT I NEED, on MY FEELINGS...my dad is a SICK PERSON and CANNOT HEAR me (none so deaf, none so blind) so I take it to a legal level and am confronting him for the abuse by taking him to court. Higher power is the strength to fuel this....but must release all that I hold dear in order to accept what's reality however painful and then be grateful for all that I do have, count my blessings and make the most of my situation, AS IT REALLY IS. cut the cord because i am my own man and have my own life to live and to quit trying to salvage an OLD childhood dream and embrace the interchange as the loss is transformed into a NEW dream co-created with the Higher Power in steps 11 and 12. LIfe is pain, the human experience is suffering but it is how i CHOOSE to respond and go through the suffering, how I grow and learn and come closer to my higher power and see life as richer and hold on less tightly and appreciate it more....never forgetting im on earth as a spiritual being having a physical experience...that there's more....look at nature, at the stars, at the bigger power than our own reality and find comfort in that., that this is a chapter in the journey.....that healing is always the goal and that discomfort is the soul calling to be heard and to express and that if it's not going to happen then what are your options but to grieve and let go so that new love, a new family, a new reality can blossom into our lives?:ghug2

splendra

My mom is an over eater and she used to take a lot of pills to not eat and then for sleep. She always worked mid night shifts and was always obsessing about my dad who drank to excess. She worked this shift in order to try and control my dad from staying out drinking all night.

My mom and I have had a few rounds of battle. She used to totally blame my dad and she has done her best to turn us against him and his family. My dad is dead so he is not here to tell his side of things. Mom is still an over eater I do not think she does a lot of pills any more. She know her mood swings and obsessing has taken a certain toll on our family. She thinks feeling guilty is a way of taking responsibility for the past. She is old and I pretty much feel it is best not to stir up old wounds for her. I have to understand that she was the only child of two violent alcoholics during the depression so she was only living out her programed way of living.

It is far more empowering to deal with my own stuff. I have to confront myself these days and ask myself if I am operating from a victim mentality? Correcting and reprogramming myself seems to be what gets me on the right track.

My mom likes to complain her illnesses seem to give her some kind of pleasure. I listen and offer up some sympathy and detach and go on about my day. I used to want to hurt her and confront her but, I know she is old and afraid and I want to try and comfort her and not bring her down to fighting level anymore. 3 of my siblings are raging drug addicts and I know she feels alot of guilt over that. I do not want to add to her burden. I just want to get over my stuff at this point...

GingerM

A couple of years ago, I did confront my parents, although not in the way you're describing (mine are both still active A's). But I set a clear boundary - I won't tolerate being treated a certain way anymore.

But. But when I did it, I knew there was a good likelihood of ending up no contact, and I was okay with that if that's the way things turned out. It was rocky at first and there were relapses, and my relationship with my parents cooled significantly since then.

We now have a civil relationship. The problematic behaviors have decreased significantly. I set a boundary with them, and I defended that boundary, which often took more work than just ignoring the situation.

If you plan on doing this, I would strongly recommend that you make sure you are in a place where you can talk reasonably and rationally, even when your mom responds with vitriol. You'll need to stay centered on yourself. I can't say whether it's right for you and your situation or not. In some ways it helped me, in others, it strained my relationship with my parents further.

GiveLove

I'm sorry you're going throught this, Wascally. Can you give us an example of what she says to make you feel like you're responsible?

If tomorrow, you were tapped with a magic wand, and this blame-laying no longer had ANY power over you at all -- I mean, you were so good at detaching that you could just smile and shrug when she brought this up, and then go on with the conversation -- would it make it easier to take her?

Then, it seems, she'd just be another annoying person with lots of fears and problems, rather than a monster.

Wondering about this.......if there were anything you could do to strengthen your recovery so "the way she is" didn't cause you so much pain.....

Hugs to you
GL

Rancorous

I've tried to confront my mother in the past. It never worked, she always had all these lame excuses for what shes was doing in the past and continues to do today. Since my father has died, i've done it more because I can't stand the ******** anymore. I agree with everyone here when they say that there really isn't much of a point, personally, it only fuels my internal rage.

Live

Many years ago my therapist had me write a letter to my parents telling them how they diminished me, discounted me and such and if it continued I would cease contact with them including grandchildren. They didn't get it at all. Thought it was me having a mid-life crisis. I have now spent years building up boundaries and basically, in a way, raising my mom to teach her how to talk to me. Honestly I tell her what to think about something as I am telling her about it. All I can say is, for the most part it works, she is 70 now and I want her happy and for us to have a better relationship than we have ever had...and we do. (no alcoholism involved, just nonacceptance and very critical)
Last time I phoned her, hubs asked if I was just feeling like feeling beat up But I have learned she is scared to death and fragile and that is NOT about me. I have learned to laugh and reframe things she says to me in conversations to another viewpoint.

Good luck.

londonvanpelt

I have a friend who is just like this. She expects me to revolve around her. I stopped doing it and she started snapping at me. You can train her not to do it. Whenever she starts tell her you won't listen to her complain anymore so you need to get off the phone. Don't stop. Keep doing it until she stops.She's not doing it TO you. That's just the way she is, so you have a choice in how to deal with it by not dealing with it. You have probably have gotten so used to complaining about her that when it does stop you won't know what to do. It's difficult to break those old programs.

Lenore

Unfortunately, the only time I really brought up my mum's drinking after she became sober was in anger after a particularly difficult day in therapy. She was criticising me about something or other and I screamed that maybe I wouldn't be like that if she hadn't been drunk all the time. Not very productive and it made me feel guilty afterwards. The times that I tried confronting her while she was still drinking were no more succesful.

I think that I've sort of given up on the idea of confronting her. I suppose I used to want to do it because I had an idea somewhere in the back of my mind that it would change her-that she'd stop drinking or, when she did get sober, that she would admit the hurt she'd caused and drop the martyr act. I now realise that she isn't going to stop it and that it's up to me to make things better for myself. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that a part of this means distancing myself from her somewhat and perhaps this would be the best course of action for you too, Wascally? I don't mean cutting her out of your life but just pulling back a bit to take care of you instead of her.

Maslina

I have confronted my father on many occasions, but never with much success.
That is the way that things go with many of our alcoholics parents: the alcohol is in the center of their world, and their is not much that we can do about it.
I was and I am still the typical ACOA: often I don't have the courage to stand up for my self and for me, that big thing.... the big confrontation was the moment when I sad to my father: It's enough!!! You will not treat me that way any more!!!
Many of our parents are not ready to talk and understand us and maybe never will be, so I'm thinking that the best way to stand for our self and confront them is showing them that we are in the power, we are not afraid any more...that they are the one with a problem, not us.

MelinaArt

This is a bit of an extreme response, but for many years I tried to reconcile the huge gaps between me and my family, to no avail. Because of their addictions, victim mentality, and codependence, they refuse to change and therefore refuse to heal our relationships. In short, I had to get off the sinking ship. In essence, I told them to F*ck off, that I didn't need them anymore, and moved 2,000 miles away.

Do I miss them? Hell yes. Do I feel better without them? Hell yes. It's not that I don't love them and am not concerned for their well-being, but everyone has a responsibility to care for themselves and LET themselves be cared for. They never let me love them, so I said F*ck it and went on to love people who wanted it!

They look at it as though I abandoned them wrongly, which is another codependent, victim attitude, so I don't let that under my skin. I have boundaries, and that's all I can say about it. Nobody crosses my boundaries, not even family.

Oh, and just for clarity's sake, the reason I felt mistreated by them was because they called me a liar for having accused my deceased alcoholic mother for abusing me. They also minimized my experience of mental illness, telling me to "be like them" and "look on the bright side" which is the biggest crock I've EVER heard. They are very un-self-aware, and continuously criticized me for looking for a higher purpose. I said, to hell with them! I'm on my path, and they're on theirs.

Kallista

You're not going to improve her complaining, bitching, paranoia and fear by yelling at her. If you can tell her in a (semi) calm way, then it's not a bad idea. It might be more helpful to get a plan for accessing resources before you talk to her, though.

This is a normal situation, even in families that aren't alcoholic or addicted. Old people are often difficult, even if they aren't recovering. Everyone dealing with an older parent is scared of being the sole caretaker. It's an impossible task.

Your mom would probably feel better, and you'd feel better if you made a plan about how to take care of her as she gets older. You need to figure out what resources are available to help her from your state department of aging and in your community. In my area, there's a state visiting nursing association that can help plan these things. Local churches also have senior programs, as does our YMCA, and the community senior center.

Once you figure out what's available, you can tell her in a calm, leveling way that you want to make sure she's taken care of, but you won't do it in your home, and put her in touch with the resources she needs. You'll feel better because you have a plan to get her the help she will eventually need without becoming a "slave." She'll feel better because she knows there will be help for her.

If she keeps on it after that, you can tell her "That's your fear talking. We have a plan." and then change the topic.

marwel

hi guys, im 17 and i have been dealing with my alcoholic mother now since i can remember. Its amazing to come on here and read some of your posts and be able to relate almost all of them to what ive had to deal with. The other night i went to get a dog blanket out for my dog to sleep on n found a bottle of wine..i confronted my mother straight away and asked her wot all this was about n she said "ohh that was from the other night, dont worry it wont happen again" i had an inkling she had been drinkin for a month or so now. SHe said its only happened once since shes been sober (11 months now) and i believed her.

I find that if you cant get through to the drinker verbally then its good to write a letter..I did this recently and it seemed to get through to her. She says she reads it every night before she goes to bed but i sorta think thats BS lol.

Yesterday, i cam home from my girlfriends and mum was in a shocking mood..ranting,raving,cursing and i knew instantly she had been drinking. I checked next doors bin (a new hiding spot for emptys) and found a bottle of wine..i confronted her n she said its not hers and that she swears over her dead mother. Now i feeel guilty for accusing her? its just a roller coaster with peaks n throughs n can be so hard to deal with...I just feel like i cant go through all this BS again, i feel as if im about to crumble.

Kallista

The one thing I would add to what I said earlier is that the ACOA issues do interfere with taking care of an elderly parent.

When my mother got sick a few years ago and I was taking care of her, another person in my office said "Well, they took care of us, so we should take care of them." He was trying to compliment for "doing the right thing," but it really struck me. The truth is my mother didn't take care of me. She really screwed me over, and continues to screw with me to this day.

The demands of caring for an elderly person is over-whelming and when it's a person that you have a difficult relationship with, it's even harder.

You have to really think through what you are willing to do and what you aren't willing to do, and then stick to your guns.

good luck