dothi

Does anyone else feel like since facing the fact that their parent is an alcoholic and losing that denial, that they've lost parts of their identity as well? It's like enjoying coffee your whole life, and then waking up one day to find that drinking it doesn't do anything for you. Old hobbies don't hold the same intrigue or enjoyment that they used to. It almost feels like life has been hollowed out.

To put a story behind it, I've been the golden child in my family and used to have a "special" relationship with my alcoholic father (he told me his problems, I tried to fix them, he'd have time to drink - wonderful enabling relationship). I've stop denying his problem and accepted that the relationship I have with him isn't accurrate - he doesn't know me at all, or at least, not beyond my capacity to be his golden child and fix everything (his marriage, depression, problems with my siblings, money, all of it). All those late nights "bonding" over how to solve his problems after he'd come home from the bar and had a blow-out with mom? Yup, never existed (he claims not to remember). The relationship I thought I had with the alcoholic parent only existed in my mind.

I've finally let go and distanced myself from this responsibility (and guilt). It took a while, but I finally moved across the country (with my boyfriend, so I've got support). Now I'm here and I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm regularly active and do go out when invited. When I meet people, I don't know what to say about myself - I just talk about work. I generally just feel disconnected. I strongly believe it's because of disconnecting from the toxic relationship with my father, but did I have to lose myself in the process? Has anyone else ever felt like this?

lizw

Yep and many times over.

Firstly when I got sober, I'm an alcoholic too.
For the second time, when I started going to Al Anon @ 5 years sober.
And more recently over the last 2 years when I was diagnosed with MS and also started attending SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous).

And I can say that it passes, it just takes time.

Take it easy
:ghug3

GiveLove

When I was first in recovery, I noticed (with the help of a kind, but firm friend) that I talked a lot -- even with near-strangers -- about my family history, my life as an ACoA, my history of abuse. I'm sure it's what I had to do at the time to work through it.

But I agree with you: at first, when you're trying to point yourself in a healthier direction, it's hard to think of something else to talk about. We've been wrapped up in it for so long that we have to re-learn how to "be" without it being such a big part of our thoughts and speech.

I found that I had to rewire myself to build other things into my life to talk about! And sometimes I had to practice: let's see...I could talk about my school work, the movie I saw last week, what THEIR favorite actors are, etc....

I cheated too, and learned to ask more questions rather than talk about myself much.

It does take time.....you're on the right track though.

Hugs,
GL

sadgirl25

Yes I often feel the same. If Mum goes through a drinking stage again although I feel pain about my relationship with her I also feel more secure as I am used to being the person that experiences these things. Now I don't speak to her I find it really hard to talk to people about holidays and families without sounding awkward or spilling the beans about stuff. I have always got away with it by asking more and more questions of the other person and it took my friends years to notice this and then they knew if I was doing it it was because I couldn't talk about it or needed them to start talking to me about it when they knew they had time. My boyfriend is the only person that I can immediately say what I think about this stuff to although he is prob one of the worset for knowing how to react. I wonder whether this has anything to do with whether we will make a good or bad couple long term? Anyway yes I feel left out in the cold most of the time when socialising like I just can't be myself so I know how you feel.

decenda

While not the exact same situation as you... I understand what you mean. I moved across the country as well. After I moved ("escaped") I tried to start removing all of the bad stuff in myself that was a result of my experiences... like digging out the rotten part of a piece of fruit. I have really just started "digging stuff out" but I have noticed that it's leaving a hole. At the same time I am also trying to open myself up to new experiences and ideas. I think that is helping!

I am turning into a person who is really different than the one I used to be... It's weird and it's scary. I don't think it's a bad thing, though. I think maybe you are going through something similar? I think your frame of reference has been blown apart recently and you aren't really sure where the pieces are going to land. It should be exciting for you to finally figure out who you REALLY are and not have it be somehow related to your alcoholic father. I think it's a slow process though... so patience is always helpful.

I am envious of you, in a way. I hope I will be at that point some day.

dothi

Thanks everyone. It's very reassuring to know I'm not strange for feeling like this.

Sadgirl, I'm also finding it very difficult to talk about family or holidays with people I'm meeting. I almost want to scream "I'm not close with my family - don't ask me about them!" The only reassurance I can find is knowing that there are many other people in the same boat. I'm not the first person in the world to have a poor relationship with at least one parent.

I'm almost thinking this is sort of a scary measure of how entrenched a person becomes in their alcohol-based alter-ego. I used to want my dad's approval SO much, that if he said I was going to be good at math, I worked my ass off to be good at math - just for some attention. I feel like I've spent a long time waiting for him to open his eyes and validate my feelings and recognize what it is I really like... And slowly I've been getting there. It turns out that I don't like my hair uncut - it's actually nice to have it styled. I also don't like country music - rock's been more my style. When I expressed these things to him last, he just acted like it was a phase or I was making a mistake (must be the people I'm hanging around, because only he knows that's not really me). Even my move was "something he wouldn't have done", and he certainly went through all the typical channels to sabatoge it (for months all my other family members were passing on his reasons for why I would fail, thankfully they recognize it's just BS too). The blatant manipulation just makes my blood boil :camper:

Anyhow, I thought I had been doing well in developing a real personality, but it seems like there's a lot more work to do. It literally feels like I'm starting all over again - how to meet people, how to relate to people. Guess it'll just take more time.

Rancorous

I've been going through the same thing. Its been very freeing to finally be myself, though confining as well, I feel like I can't talk about much of anything without some story about the way I was treated as a child. I'm slowly learning to ask other people about themselves more and not talk about myself so much. It kind of sucks having to keep stuff so hidden, but i'm used to not having a lot of friends around and being by myself. To be quite frank, i'm finding it hard to meet people, but eh.