sadgirl25

Hi guys. I haven’t been on her for a few months but I would very much appreciate it if you could read this and give me your thoughts, feelings and similar stories in regard to this.

Firstly, I would like to say to everyone that you are good people that because of alcohol and parents have been through rough times and in case people don’t tell you this enough then I want you to remember that you are worthwhile and loved and thought about by people that you may not even know directly who suffer in the same way that you do. Hugs to you all.

A brief recap on the recent history with my Mum is that she has certainly been an alcoholic since I was around 7 and has got progressively worse over the years with me left to deal with it while Dad worked away a lot and ignored what I was telling him. Last September Dad was starting to suffer as badly as I was with her drinking and starting making ultimatums about leaving her unless she stopped drinking which he backs down on every time. She stopped I thought in the September when I moved away from home to start a new job and Dad told me she was doing well. It turned out at Christmas when I went to see them that she hadn’t at all and Dad had kept it a secret from me and she turned up completely out of it the day I went to see them when my boyfriend of 5 years told me he was thinking of ending it and needed Christmas to decide. Dad said he was leaving her and I though finally we were starting over but then he backed out and I was left to make my own decisions. I decided I couldn’t handle this anymore and said I didn’t want any contact with her anymore. I stuck to this but as Dad supported her it meant I hardly got to see him either. I have seen them about 3 times since January but each time is difficult as although she has stopped drinking again little has changed otherwise in terms of her admitting things or apologizing or making any sort of effort with me.

The problem I have now is that having worked hard with no holidays for a year and finally having taken a week off I would like to go home this weekend to be pampered by my Mum which is what my boyfriend is doing (yes we are still together). But it isn’t the same with my Mum especially as this weekend will be the biggest test of her sobriety so far as Dad has gone off to Hawaii to work for a few weeks and this is the first time he hasn’t had her with him since January.

I hate myself for saying this but the first thing I think is that I want to just turn up to test whether she is drunk or not. Dad has little time for phone contact there and even if she was drunk on the phone to him he would either ignore it or at least hide it from me so asking him won’t answer my question. However, I know ultimately if I am proved right, seeing her drunk will just upset me. Secondly, I am envious of my boyfriend having a home to go to where he can be mummied which is what I want but can’t have without all sorts of issues arising. If she were sober then it would mean I have gone back on my decision not to spend time with her and she will think all is forgiven plus Dad will think that whenever he goes away I will be there to pick up the pieces and lastly I will start to relax with her and trust her and tell her things about my life which she will throw back in my face next time she drinks.

I am going to pamper myself this weekend by having my hair cut and seeing a friend back at home but don’t think it is sensible to see Mum even though I want to go home and relax and not cook as there are too many problems attached.
What do you guys think? My other friends all have sober parents and can’t really understand these situations or how alone I end up feeling because of it but I know you guys will.

Thank you in advance.

xxxxx

decenda

I understand where you are coming from. I am struggling with whether or not to go home for christmas or not... for pretty much the same reasons.... It's definitely a chore to deal with situations like this. I know you want to go home and be pampered but you know that is not going to happen. If you think there is even a small chance you and your mom will get along and have a great time... then I would go. If you think that you are going to feel horribly guilty about not going to see her... then go. (but you absolutely shouldn't feel guilty)

Maybe you can go home to visit a friend and stop by and see your mom for a bit? I wouldn't go there with the intention of "catching' her--but it might not hurt to check in. If things start to go poorly, you have a back up plan (your friend)

I think that if I had a friend, spouse, relative, or sibling who was an abusive alcoholic it would be pretty easy for me to completely shut them out of my life. The fact that it's a parent makes it the hardest thing in the world. There is so much love and guilt and just confusing feelings... which I think you are feeling right now. I don't think we ever stop wanting to be "mummied" but at some point we realize that it's not realistic.

dothi

Your story reminds me a lot of my family. I think you're making the right choices, but I understand that it doesn't make their absence any easier to cope with.

Re: no-contact. I've felt *exactly* the same way with my alcoholic parent. For a long time I was seriously considering severing all ties with my family, but felt terrible about how I would damage my relationship with my enabling mother even though it is my alcoholic father who I don't want to see. She not in denial about his alcoholism; after being married for 20+ years, I think she just can't imagine living without him.

What I ended up doing was reaching an understanding with my non-alcoholic parent. We cultivate a relationship with each other now - one that doesn't revolve around the alcoholic's drama. It's a struggle, as my dad does everything to tag along (everything we do is all about him apparently), but more and more my mom has stood up to him and asserted that she's coming to visit me ALONE. I accept that she's never going to leave him, and that it's her choice. It's meant the world to me that she can accept I'm not close with my dad but I am close with her. Is it easy? No, but immensely more satisfying than cutting my mom out altogether.

It's taken me years to develop this healthier balance, plus some counselling to help me control my reactions to news of my dad's drinking. I wonder if you could also benefit from getting similar guidance. I really do hear the pain of feeling like it's all or nothing. I can't emphasize enough how important it was for me to get counselling and develop tools of healthy boundaries and distance to reach this point (especially to deal with the guilt - now that the rules have changed, my alcoholic parent reminds us regularly of how selfish we are to leave him out). I hope my story hasn't been inappropriate. I just wanted to provide an example of avoiding living in that extreme no-contact. No matter how much sense it makes, it's f**king painful.

GiveLove

I'm so sorry about all of this, sadgirl. I know how you feel, honestly I do.

I long ago had to give up my fantasies of a mum who would pamper me. Even if she wasn't drinking, my stepmom is about as nurturing as a salamander. She's focused on herself, her own problems, etc., just like your mom is probably focused on maintaining her sobriety, resentments, etc. It may be very painful for you to go, not just because you WON'T get pampered but also because you realize you're doing it partially for the wrong reasons.

I think you've figured this out for yourself, but I know it doesn't make it stop hurting.

Is there any chance you can go to your boyfriends parents? I have found a very welcoming embrace in my husband's parents, who are NOT alcoholics and who DO like to pamper guests. Even though they are very different from me, materialistic and prejudiced and a bunch of other things I don't like, they still try to make me feel like part of the family, and at Christmas that's what I need.

Hugs to you
GL

Flossy

I think it's better to stay at a distance when you have a parent with alcohol/drug probs. The rollercoaster sucks and when you sign up to get on you usually end up hurt one way or another. It is dissapointing more than anything to see someone you love and need and can't . I have dealt with this for my whole life. No matter what the relationship is gonna hurt , but by you reaching out to others and talking about it I think is the healthiest thing you can do . Be good to yourself and do whats best for you!!

sadgirl25

Hi guys. decenda - Thanks for your reply. It really helps to know that there is someone else out there who understands this hard stuff too. I'm not sure I can see her without wanting to know about the drinking and without Dad taking it as a signal that he can still rely on me to take care of her. I just have to come to terms with not having a Mum like other people to look after me at times.

Dothi - Thank you for telling me your story. It was not inappropriate at all. I often struggle tofind similarities to my own story with other posts I read on here as it feels as if my family are very middle class getting along nicely but underneath there is all this bad history with family members and money worries that no one realises. So the alcoholic label comes as a suprise to people who think I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill as they can't see the truth of things.

Hello again GiveLove. I remember you very kindly replying to me last time i was here. I can't go to my boyfirend's this weekend as I have mentioned the issue and the subconscious feedback I am getting is that he just needs a weekend of not having to make sure his Mum doesn't taunt me for being posh and things which he knows upsets me. He is going to ask his parents if I can stay with them at Christmas which will be a totally new experience for me. Unfortunately his parents are not really the emotional huggy type so I doubt they would change this behaviour for me. I am still concerned as last Christmas I finished work on 22nd and was supposed to say bye to him for Christmas and then go up to his on 27th but instead he told me he needed to be away from me over Christmas as he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me anymore. He ended up spending New Year's Eve with the girl he always wanted to go out with and lied about it which made for a really bad start to the year as well as my Mum's massive drinking binge. I think I am worried this could happen again this year and I will be on my own for Christmas as I don't have any other close friends or family to go to. However, we seem strong and happy in our relationship at the moment so I am just hoping for the best and he is aware of my worries so hopefully he wouldn't do that to me again.

If you guys have any more things to talk about with me it would be nice to chat about what life is like as ACOAs.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my reply and respond.

sadgirl25

Hi guys.

Thought I should keep you updated. I did see my Mum for a short time on Saturday and she seemed sober. I kept it on my terms and talked about myself. So it was ok. Unfortunately it left me feeling generally more agitated about the whole situation. I mean that in terms of me needing to talk about the situation by email with my Dad and mention it to my boyfriend. My Dad did reply to my email and gave me answers to my questions but it just doesn't seem to help the way I feel. I don't know where I stand. It's like there is shifting sand underneath me and I know if I step on it the chances are I could get hurt somehow but at the same time I am concerned that I can't stay floating in the air forever either. I want to be part of my family but I just can't see a way forward at the moment without being true to myself and my feelings first and foremost which is something I haven't ever done in the past and therefore doesn't sit comfortably with me at the moment. Any advice greatly received and just to know that someone is on my side. I must admit that my boyfriend although not terribly useful in the past has said very quietly and briefly but usefully not to get my hopes dashed or expect too much too soon which is helping to keep me sensible and not hysterically worrying about everything while trying to survive living alone and surviving financially.
Thanks guys
xxxxx

dothi

Like shifting sand is a really good way to describe it. That parent relationship can convey such a sense of strength in identity, when it's there and working. I wonder if the agitation you feel is just your feelings conflicting with what no child should have to do - take charge and parent the parent. You've set up the visit on your own terms with respectable boundaries (healthy!) and opened up a dialogue with your mom again (arguably healthier than no-contact). These are things you *shouldn't* even have to think about. Part of it just feels wrong, right? Part of it is probably that bad child guilt creeping up on you. The little voice many of us ACoAs have that constantly chimes in with, "how could you? that's your parent!" I'm sure the other part is disappointment - even though you knew what to expect, it doesn't soften how much they let you down.

But honestly, it sounds to me like you're doing just fine. For the record, I've come to expect that I'm generally a bit moody/anxious/depressed after a visit with my parents, especially my dad. My boyfriend expects it too, and so usually we both wait it out and get back to normal in a few days. Let yourself feel agitated, then remind yourself that this too shall pass.

How is your relationship with your dad? Is it pretty much centered around keeping tabs on your mom? Is that what the email was primarily about? Seriously consider seeing a counsellor for a while to talk these feelings over with instead. Your dad sounds so entrenched in this dynamic that he probably just can't give you the reassurrance and direction you're seeking. I've definitely felt that with my mom and I've realized that she just doesn't have that parental lead in her. She's always kept her head down and cleaned the house. I wonder if your dad's role is comparable. Anyhow, talking with a counsellor helped me accept that I couldn't change either of them. And when I accepted that, I stopped taking my frustration with my dad out my mom. I also stopped expecting her to explain "why" to me. Even though you've got perspective on the situation with your mom, it sounds like you're still seeking recognition/acknowledge/consensus from your dad. When it comes to your mom, he may never be able to give you any of that.

I totally hear your plea to feel grounded. That's why I'm wondering if you can't switch the focus to the one good parent relationship you do have. Stop focussing and beating yourself up on the one that isn't working. You're not a bad child for not getting along/liking/stomaching your mother. You're an awesome adult for keeping in touch with your parents, one of which you just don't get along with, and the other whom you could find a much better relationship with. You may feel like you're floating now, but with or without your parents, you will get grounded again. Just like getting a handle on your mom's alcoholism has taken time, so will this emotional aftermath. Hang in there!

guiab

I will second what Dothi said: You met with your alcoholic parent on your own terms, not theirs. You succeed in keeping in contact and keeping the lines of communication open. To paraphrase an old saying about diplomacy: "you must never talk because of fear (or guilt, or shame, or imploring of relatives), but you should never fear to talk."** And the post-meeting feelings are there because it is hard, and futile, to make the past right, but the child inside still wants that storybook happy family relationship that is so annoyingly depicted on TV/cable. One has to accept one's parents as adults who made their own choices. Maybe they will someday accept you (me, us) as adults too, but that is their road to walk.

**this has been used in the current US presidential campaign - no endorsement intended.