New here...daughter of an alcoholic (kind of long)
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
New here...daughter of an alcoholic (kind of long)
Hello everyone!
So I guess I should start off by introducing myself and telling you a little bit about me before I get into my story and why I stumbled across this place just a little while ago...
For sake of anonymity, I would like to simply go by LC on here because my story is one that only my immediate family is aware of (I am the only one that knows the full extent of everything) and for now, I don't want to risk anyone I know stumbling across here and reading anything I post. I am 21 years old and a college student in Florida.
Now for my story (please bear with me, as it may get a little long!)...
I come from a family of 4...mom, dad, sister, and myself. My family is what you would call dysfunctional...verbally abusive dad, rebellious sister (with a history of drug use and several other problems), and my mom, who right now is going on about 4 or 5 years of battling alcoholism.
My mom and I have always been close and I've been lucky to have the kind of relationship with her where I could tell her everything and could count on her for anything. And my naive high school self saw my mom as one of the strongest people I knew. At that time we were dealing with several family problems, most of them bought on by my sister. During those years, I would often find my mom passed out on the couch with the TV on. I still have vivid memories in my head of trying to wake her up and having her look at me in a daze and then try to string together words to make nothing but incoherent sentences. At the time, I thought she was using sleeping pills to help her get some sleep at night, turns out I was wrong.
After that, the signs began to escalate and I tried to ignore them. A part of me screamed alcoholism...the other tried to muffle that because I didn't think that something like that could happen to my family. Up until that point, it was only something that I had seen on television shows and in movies. Like I mentioned before, I was naive...and very, very sheltered.
It wasn't until I started college and the suspicions started growing more and more that I decided to investigate more because my mom's nightly "couch naps" were becoming more and more frequent. I still remember the night where I confronted my mom, having found an empty bottle of wine hidden in her closet. My grandmother was over and I remember her begging me and crying and she urged me not to tell her anything about what was happening.
That pretty much set me off on the journey that brings me here today. Since then, my mom saw one psychologist who I really thought was helping her. She was sober for about a year, began exercising, lost a lot of weight, and she was strong when faced with problems from my sister. But then she stopped seeing that psychologist and things slowly started to fall apart again. She began seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed her Xanax and my mom developed an addiction to that as well.
These past few years I would definitely describe as a roller coaster ride. We've had our moments of calm where I really believe that my mom is getting better, where I slowly start to rebuild my confidence in her. But then she goes and drinks again and mixes it with the Xanax...and I'm back in the dark hole where I'm finding myself today. Things are slowly getting worse...she tries to convince us to her her buy wine at Publix, using the excuse that if she's able to drink openly and in front of us, she won't feel the need to hide it in her room and abuse it. But lately she has been keeping one bottle in the fridge and I keep finding bottles hidden around her room after she stumbles out, clearly not sober.
There are 3 days from this past summer that still stick out clearly in my mind...and they are all days where I seriously thought that I was going to lose my mom to an overdose. On each of those days she would say that she was going to shower and instead sat in the bathroom, drinking wine and mixing it with Xanax (and possibly sleeping pills). She'll come out barely able to stand up and will just pass out on her bed and I'm left freaking out, wondering if I should call the paramedics or if she'll just ride it out like the last time. It's scary and I can still clearly remember feeling my heart trying to beat it's way out of my chest every time I was faced with that situation.
She's seeing a new psychologist now, one who according to her is "really, really helping her get stronger" and a new psychiatrist who is weaning her off the Xanax, but is also prescribing her non-addictive sleeping pills (which I believe my mom has already abused). But honestly, I feel like she is getting worse. I am at the point where the fear of losing my mom is real. She begs me not to tell anyone else (my dad and my sister are aware of the problem, just not the full extent of it), and threatens to never speak to me again if I do. I am fully convinced that my mom isn't going to live to see me graduate from college next year and it's a thought that crushes me. I've become depressed myself because I feel like I've had to take on the "mom" role. I barely go out like I used to because I am scared of coming home and finding my mom dead of an overdose. And when I do go out, I call to check in constantly because the thoughts of my mom drinking are always on my mind.
So, so sorry that this has become a novel. It was definitely not my intention, but I'm a writer and I tend to get carried away. Today, I found another hidden bottle of alcohol. When I confronted my mother, she reacted rudely to me (like she does normally when I find hidden bottles). She had it hidden despite the fact that she had another one in the fridge (which I have already disposed of).
I am honestly at my wit's end. I just...don't know what to do anymore and I am glad to have found this place because just in writing this, I've gotten a lot off of my chest that I haven't been able to tell anyone else in all these years. So thank you and God Bless!
So I guess I should start off by introducing myself and telling you a little bit about me before I get into my story and why I stumbled across this place just a little while ago...
For sake of anonymity, I would like to simply go by LC on here because my story is one that only my immediate family is aware of (I am the only one that knows the full extent of everything) and for now, I don't want to risk anyone I know stumbling across here and reading anything I post. I am 21 years old and a college student in Florida.
Now for my story (please bear with me, as it may get a little long!)...
I come from a family of 4...mom, dad, sister, and myself. My family is what you would call dysfunctional...verbally abusive dad, rebellious sister (with a history of drug use and several other problems), and my mom, who right now is going on about 4 or 5 years of battling alcoholism.
My mom and I have always been close and I've been lucky to have the kind of relationship with her where I could tell her everything and could count on her for anything. And my naive high school self saw my mom as one of the strongest people I knew. At that time we were dealing with several family problems, most of them bought on by my sister. During those years, I would often find my mom passed out on the couch with the TV on. I still have vivid memories in my head of trying to wake her up and having her look at me in a daze and then try to string together words to make nothing but incoherent sentences. At the time, I thought she was using sleeping pills to help her get some sleep at night, turns out I was wrong.
After that, the signs began to escalate and I tried to ignore them. A part of me screamed alcoholism...the other tried to muffle that because I didn't think that something like that could happen to my family. Up until that point, it was only something that I had seen on television shows and in movies. Like I mentioned before, I was naive...and very, very sheltered.
It wasn't until I started college and the suspicions started growing more and more that I decided to investigate more because my mom's nightly "couch naps" were becoming more and more frequent. I still remember the night where I confronted my mom, having found an empty bottle of wine hidden in her closet. My grandmother was over and I remember her begging me and crying and she urged me not to tell her anything about what was happening.
That pretty much set me off on the journey that brings me here today. Since then, my mom saw one psychologist who I really thought was helping her. She was sober for about a year, began exercising, lost a lot of weight, and she was strong when faced with problems from my sister. But then she stopped seeing that psychologist and things slowly started to fall apart again. She began seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed her Xanax and my mom developed an addiction to that as well.
These past few years I would definitely describe as a roller coaster ride. We've had our moments of calm where I really believe that my mom is getting better, where I slowly start to rebuild my confidence in her. But then she goes and drinks again and mixes it with the Xanax...and I'm back in the dark hole where I'm finding myself today. Things are slowly getting worse...she tries to convince us to her her buy wine at Publix, using the excuse that if she's able to drink openly and in front of us, she won't feel the need to hide it in her room and abuse it. But lately she has been keeping one bottle in the fridge and I keep finding bottles hidden around her room after she stumbles out, clearly not sober.
There are 3 days from this past summer that still stick out clearly in my mind...and they are all days where I seriously thought that I was going to lose my mom to an overdose. On each of those days she would say that she was going to shower and instead sat in the bathroom, drinking wine and mixing it with Xanax (and possibly sleeping pills). She'll come out barely able to stand up and will just pass out on her bed and I'm left freaking out, wondering if I should call the paramedics or if she'll just ride it out like the last time. It's scary and I can still clearly remember feeling my heart trying to beat it's way out of my chest every time I was faced with that situation.
She's seeing a new psychologist now, one who according to her is "really, really helping her get stronger" and a new psychiatrist who is weaning her off the Xanax, but is also prescribing her non-addictive sleeping pills (which I believe my mom has already abused). But honestly, I feel like she is getting worse. I am at the point where the fear of losing my mom is real. She begs me not to tell anyone else (my dad and my sister are aware of the problem, just not the full extent of it), and threatens to never speak to me again if I do. I am fully convinced that my mom isn't going to live to see me graduate from college next year and it's a thought that crushes me. I've become depressed myself because I feel like I've had to take on the "mom" role. I barely go out like I used to because I am scared of coming home and finding my mom dead of an overdose. And when I do go out, I call to check in constantly because the thoughts of my mom drinking are always on my mind.
So, so sorry that this has become a novel. It was definitely not my intention, but I'm a writer and I tend to get carried away. Today, I found another hidden bottle of alcohol. When I confronted my mother, she reacted rudely to me (like she does normally when I find hidden bottles). She had it hidden despite the fact that she had another one in the fridge (which I have already disposed of).
I am honestly at my wit's end. I just...don't know what to do anymore and I am glad to have found this place because just in writing this, I've gotten a lot off of my chest that I haven't been able to tell anyone else in all these years. So thank you and God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi LC,
Glad you found us here, though so sorry about the circumstances that brought you to us. Watching a parent self-destruct with alcohol is horribly painful, and we've all seen it. So, you're in a good place.
If you poke around on this board and on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics board, you'll meet many people (and read many posts) who desperately need an answer to the questoin, "How can I make X stop drinking?" Sadly, there isn't any way to do that. We may feel that it's going to destroy our lives if they don't stop, we may feel it's unfair, agonizing, etc., but nothing we do will get them to stop before they're ready to stop. You can throw away bottles until your hands bleed, make threats, cry and scream....but the "three Cs" of this disorder hold sway: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
All we can really do is love them, encourage them to find help, pray if you're a pray-er, and learn to detach from their behavior as best we can. Some people have found a lot of relief in Al-Anon, where you can talk about your alcoholic loved ones in a safe, supportive environment. Some find help in counseling. Whatever you decide, I'd encourage you to learn everything you can about alcoholism and stop driving yourself mad trying to control this. It simply can't be done ---- read the "Sticky" posts at the top of this forum and the Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum....there's a lot of really helpful stuff. And that forum has tons of people on it with lots of insight. You may want to consider posting over there too.
I am so sorry you're hurting. I know how bad this all feels, and how helpless you must feel. Take care of yourself.
GL
Glad you found us here, though so sorry about the circumstances that brought you to us. Watching a parent self-destruct with alcohol is horribly painful, and we've all seen it. So, you're in a good place.
If you poke around on this board and on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics board, you'll meet many people (and read many posts) who desperately need an answer to the questoin, "How can I make X stop drinking?" Sadly, there isn't any way to do that. We may feel that it's going to destroy our lives if they don't stop, we may feel it's unfair, agonizing, etc., but nothing we do will get them to stop before they're ready to stop. You can throw away bottles until your hands bleed, make threats, cry and scream....but the "three Cs" of this disorder hold sway: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
All we can really do is love them, encourage them to find help, pray if you're a pray-er, and learn to detach from their behavior as best we can. Some people have found a lot of relief in Al-Anon, where you can talk about your alcoholic loved ones in a safe, supportive environment. Some find help in counseling. Whatever you decide, I'd encourage you to learn everything you can about alcoholism and stop driving yourself mad trying to control this. It simply can't be done ---- read the "Sticky" posts at the top of this forum and the Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum....there's a lot of really helpful stuff. And that forum has tons of people on it with lots of insight. You may want to consider posting over there too.
I am so sorry you're hurting. I know how bad this all feels, and how helpless you must feel. Take care of yourself.
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
Thank you so, so much for your reply. It really means a lot =) I have been reading around the forum and I stumbled across the sticky at the top regarding the 13 characteristics of children of alcoholic parents. It's crazy how almost each and every one of those hit home with me, and I had tears in my eyes by the time I was done because it really put into perspective just how much this horrible disease has taken a toll on me, even though I'm not the one drinking.
I saw a psychologist for quite some time late last year and it helped, for a while. But I am seriously considering going to see a different counselor and I've also considered going to an Al-Anon meeting because I feel like one of the primary reasons why I'm feeling so despaired is the fact that I am holding all of this inside and not able to really talk to anyone about it (which is one of the reasons why I am very happy to have found this board, because for the first time I've been able to put my situation into words).
So thank you again, and I look forward to being a part of this community and to here's to healing for all of us.
I saw a psychologist for quite some time late last year and it helped, for a while. But I am seriously considering going to see a different counselor and I've also considered going to an Al-Anon meeting because I feel like one of the primary reasons why I'm feeling so despaired is the fact that I am holding all of this inside and not able to really talk to anyone about it (which is one of the reasons why I am very happy to have found this board, because for the first time I've been able to put my situation into words).
So thank you again, and I look forward to being a part of this community and to here's to healing for all of us.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Keep on posting, dulce.
We're all listening out here. You're not alone in this struggle.
I had to look around a bit, but finally found a counselor who was experienced with adult children of alcoholics, and he made ALL the difference in my healing.
Wishing you peace and strength to find your way to the other side of this
GL
We're all listening out here. You're not alone in this struggle.
I had to look around a bit, but finally found a counselor who was experienced with adult children of alcoholics, and he made ALL the difference in my healing.
Wishing you peace and strength to find your way to the other side of this
GL
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