Wascally Wabbit

It's been a while. I felt a need to get this out.
For those who may remember, my mom is a 30 yr. recovering A who is always complaining, and always sick. If you are dying of pnuemonia, my mother will be sicker than you. If you break your leg, her back will hurt much worse. You know how it is.
And, she has NEVER said "thank you" to me in my entire life. In fact, she EXPECTS things.

I am 3 hours away. She had hounded me last year to move in together. To buy a house, together. Problem with that is she would own it, and I would be allowed to live there. We all know how that goes. I said no thanks.

Well, now I am the one buying. I have never owned in my life and I am 53.
You can't imagine how excited I am.
But, here comes the mom now wanting to move in.
You know, I really do worry about her, and I might, at some point take her in.
But, I don't want to listen to the daily misery and I don't want to become a slave/servant which is exactly what will happen.

Should she ever move in, I would have to have a conversation with her, an agreement of some kind so that I could live in peace.
So, I am here looking for things to say or do that would make her understand where I come from.

Have any of you taken a parent in that you didn't really get along with?

GiveLove

Hey Wascally,

I've never done this because I never would do this, and I have been asked.

You will "have an agreement"? And if, for whatever reason, she's not able to stop complaining and stop being herself (which is what's happening) you willl......kick her out? And will that be easier or harder than saying 'no' now?

Play the tape all the way through, my friend. Think about this. Your mom drives you out your mind and she's three hours away. You have to limit your phone calls so you don't wrap the phone cord around your neck just to stop the pain of listening to her.

What is possibly in this for you? Aside from the temporary relief of guilt?
She needs to know that you simply don't want to share your new house with anybody, no hard feelings, not even her.

Congratulations on your house! I was so excited when I first got to have my own place.....

Wascally Wabbit

Thanks for the slap on the forehead GL!!!
I needed that.
I don't know why I continue to feel guilty. For what?
I suppose it's partly compassion too. You're right. I would be miserable and I couldn't just kick her out.
Let me roll that tape a few days and watch. I already know what will happen. She will complain and I will be the one wanting to leave my own home!
Hmmm, lots to consider here.

GingerM

My first thought was similar to GiveLove's, but a slightly different tangent.

If you do decide to let her move in with you and if you do have an agreement (translation: boundary setting up front and in writing), what are the consequences of breaking that agreement (translation: violating that boundary)? Because boundaries only work if you defend them. What stipulations are you going to put in said agreement to indicate what happens if she crosses the boundaries, and how many chances will she get to reform behavior before you enforce those boundaries?

I predict, with my magic ball, that her behavior will not change on iota, and that you will then not be able to enforce the boundaries you lay out in your agreement for whatever reason, and that therefore the boundaries will cease to exist, completely defeating your purpose in having the agreement in the first place.

If, on the other hand, you can clearly delineate the ramifications of her behavior AND you think you can follow through with the consequences you've laid out for her, then it might be do-able.

GiveLove

Just lookin' out for ya, wabbit. You can still be compassionate. Just be compassionate in some other way

StillLearning1

Sorry Wascally, only thing I can think of- other than possibly we could have our parents share homes...

WUN WASCALLY WABBIT WUN!!!

Midnightfrost

My mother and I did move in together. It wasn't pretty. She had absolutely no regard for our agreements before hand. It was infuriating. And her attempts to manipulate and such only worsened because she had all the time and opportunity in the world to pick at me. I'd have to recommend helping her find an assisted living center and contributing what you can to help her live there. This was done with my addicted grandmother for a number of years and it worked well. If your mother refuses to move to somewhere like that then its her choice to live in a situation that isn't good for her. Its not your responsibility to take her in. Best of luck with it. Don't you hate it when those rescue/martyr feelings start sneaking in. :codiepolice

urbie

My situation is different but has some of the same elements. Dad is 88, I'm 45 and married, and live about an hour away. I also have a sister who lives 3000 miles away.

Since last December, my mom (78) has been in hospital/rehab/nursing care after a fall, and she'll need 24/7 nursing care from here on out. But my Dad clings to the house I grew up in. He won't consider assisted living, a smaller place, or any of the solutions more sensible elderly people typically choose. He practically begs me (and, presumably, my wife?) and/or my sister to move back in and be one big friggin' happy family again.

Well, this is not going to happen. He was, and still is, a raging, alcoholic control freak. I love him -- like most A's, he's a complicated guy -- but moving back there would be an absolute disaster. It would be the end of my marriage and my sanity; I am not willing to do that, no matter what happens.

Dad refuses to accept any help whatsoever, other than me or my sister moving back home. He claims he doesn't need help with meals, housekeeping, etc., but he does need rides (the state finally pulled his license last year -- he's trying to get it back, but I sure hope he can't, because he's a menace behind the wheel, at this point). If he wants to rattle around in that big house all by himself, there is nothing I can do to force him to do otherwise. But I am not going back to live there -- no way.

I've been in Al-Anon for 12 years or so, but it's still very difficult to deal with this situation. My dad is very formidable -- even at his advanced age, no one can really talk to him about these issues, because they can't take the heat he flames back at them. He does have one sister who doesn't put up with his rage -- she'll give it right back and tell him he's being stubborn and unreasonable -- but the rest of us just ignore the elephant in the room, so to speak.

It's tough. But it would be 10 times worse if I moved back in. So that ain't happening.

Urb

rudeawakening

Ones home should be a place of peace and tranquility... If you have any doubt what so ever for any reason, then your probably correct and should listen to that little voice in your head.