why are exclusive relationships banned in supported accomodation for alcoholics?!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 9
why are exclusive relationships banned in supported accomodation for alcoholics?!
Please help! I'm an alcoholic and I live in a supported house for alcoholics (recovering). I have fallen in love with one of the residents and he has with me, but now it has been discovered we've been given a warning! Anyone else had this problem or have any suggestions?!!
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome to SR!
The theory behind discouraging new relationships in the first year of sobriety is that when first get in relationships they tend to put much of their focus into the person they are with. It becomes quite easy to start finding excuses to stop working on sobriety. Also what happens when relationships go bad or end? We tend to feel bad. When these things happen the urge to drink tends to come back. The whole idea is that by staying out of new relationships while learning about and developing sobriety habits one will be giving themselves the strongest foundation for sobriety.
Personally, I would suggest cooling the relationship right now, work on it being a close friendship with room to grow. Allow both of you to concentrate on staying sober and developing the tools that would keep you that way. From experience relationships in sobriety are much better than any relationship I ever had while drinking. But I know that my relationship is quite likely to fall apart if either of us fail to maintain our sobriety. That takes work and balance.
Take care.
The theory behind discouraging new relationships in the first year of sobriety is that when first get in relationships they tend to put much of their focus into the person they are with. It becomes quite easy to start finding excuses to stop working on sobriety. Also what happens when relationships go bad or end? We tend to feel bad. When these things happen the urge to drink tends to come back. The whole idea is that by staying out of new relationships while learning about and developing sobriety habits one will be giving themselves the strongest foundation for sobriety.
Personally, I would suggest cooling the relationship right now, work on it being a close friendship with room to grow. Allow both of you to concentrate on staying sober and developing the tools that would keep you that way. From experience relationships in sobriety are much better than any relationship I ever had while drinking. But I know that my relationship is quite likely to fall apart if either of us fail to maintain our sobriety. That takes work and balance.
Take care.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Major reason would be...put your efforts towards your recovery, not a new relationship. No major changes for the first year is a good guide that works well.
Another problem that happens sometimes...is he married and not telling you? Has a wife waiting at home for when he gets out?
Until we get our own head thinking in the right direction, we are better off staying away from any new relationships.
Another problem that happens sometimes...is he married and not telling you? Has a wife waiting at home for when he gets out?
Until we get our own head thinking in the right direction, we are better off staying away from any new relationships.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Are you living there by choice?
There are rules to live by everywhere - I have tried my whole life to find a place where I could just do things my way, it doesn't look like it will ever happen.
Yes - I have gotten into 'relationships' in situations where it was made clear that I was breaking rules if anything physical were to ever happen. I had to either 1 - wait until we both got out, or 2 - leave.
I think true love waits - so, stay committed to the reason you are living in a sober recovery home. Love isn't going anywhere.
There are rules to live by everywhere - I have tried my whole life to find a place where I could just do things my way, it doesn't look like it will ever happen.
Yes - I have gotten into 'relationships' in situations where it was made clear that I was breaking rules if anything physical were to ever happen. I had to either 1 - wait until we both got out, or 2 - leave.
I think true love waits - so, stay committed to the reason you are living in a sober recovery home. Love isn't going anywhere.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
Ditto Adam. This is good common sense. Why are you in a recovery house to begin with? Romance? Where are your priorities - do not tell me! I will not deny the possibility of love - lust in a recovery house. If it is real it can wait. Do you think two people who are broken in so many non-visible ways can somehow bet the odds and help one another recover? Or maybe recovery is not important? Or maybe sex is? Or maybe just an escape from the harsh reality of a group recovery house and its many rules is the ticket.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 226
If, in my first year of recovery, I had had access to the many "gratifications" associated with a relationship, I never would have kept working to get comfortable in my own skin and find a sense of well-being and serenity independent of how anyone else feels about me.
Also, looking back, I was such a messed up, dysfunctional human being (and only somewhat less so now), that the idea of my somehow participating in a healthy relationship would have been laughable.
I needed to get truly OK with myself and establish a decent foundation in recovery before I could even think of getting in a relationship. Anything else would have been a "shortcut" to gratification and an "easy way out".
And I did get into a relationship after 16 months of working the program. And nine months after that I realized I had no idea how to be in a relationship!
Also, looking back, I was such a messed up, dysfunctional human being (and only somewhat less so now), that the idea of my somehow participating in a healthy relationship would have been laughable.
I needed to get truly OK with myself and establish a decent foundation in recovery before I could even think of getting in a relationship. Anything else would have been a "shortcut" to gratification and an "easy way out".
And I did get into a relationship after 16 months of working the program. And nine months after that I realized I had no idea how to be in a relationship!
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
One thing I was told in early sobriety to think about as far as relationships go is this:
What type would be attracted to the messed up barely sober, neurotic, struggling, clueless, alcoholic that I was. More than likely someone just as messed up as I was. We don't come into sobriety because our lives are so grand. We come in because we have hit a bottom. Most of us are miserable in our own skins, have a lot of secrets and shame, a lot of resentments, and more than enough baggage to tear apart 30 relationships. Please give yourself some time in this. Let you get better and let him get better before you explore this relationship further. Be supportive of each others sobriety and focus on that rather than a physical attraction. Be a good friend first.
What type would be attracted to the messed up barely sober, neurotic, struggling, clueless, alcoholic that I was. More than likely someone just as messed up as I was. We don't come into sobriety because our lives are so grand. We come in because we have hit a bottom. Most of us are miserable in our own skins, have a lot of secrets and shame, a lot of resentments, and more than enough baggage to tear apart 30 relationships. Please give yourself some time in this. Let you get better and let him get better before you explore this relationship further. Be supportive of each others sobriety and focus on that rather than a physical attraction. Be a good friend first.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Posts: 226
Originally Posted by nandm 
What type would be attracted to the messed up barely sober, neurotic, struggling, clueless, alcoholic that I was. More than likely someone just as messed up as I was.
...rita123Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Rita...
If you have the AA book
12 Steps and 12 traditions
please read page 118
I ask my AA sponsees to finishh their Steps
before starting a new relationship.
Those who do seem to have a more positive love.
Anyway...as you are there you need
to follow the house rules or be in trouble.
Lot's of time for new loves
after you have sobriety.
Take care...
If you have the AA book
12 Steps and 12 traditions
please read page 118
I ask my AA sponsees to finishh their Steps
before starting a new relationship.
Those who do seem to have a more positive love.
Anyway...as you are there you need
to follow the house rules or be in trouble.
Lot's of time for new loves
after you have sobriety.
Take care...
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Bottom line?
Because y'all are in there to get sober.
NOt to get a boyfriend.
It's recovery - not the Dating Game.
You're in a death struggle with the disease of alcoholism and addiction.
"Falling in love' ... is simply pretending the problem - alcoholism and addiction -
don't exist. That's no better than pretending we didn't have a substance problem in the first place.
If we can lie to ourselves about how bad we could get before we came to sobriety - we sure as hell will lie to ourselves about love, relationships and bonding also.
Michael said it best - raise the bar. Not a glass.
Because y'all are in there to get sober.
NOt to get a boyfriend.
It's recovery - not the Dating Game.
You're in a death struggle with the disease of alcoholism and addiction.
"Falling in love' ... is simply pretending the problem - alcoholism and addiction -
don't exist. That's no better than pretending we didn't have a substance problem in the first place.
If we can lie to ourselves about how bad we could get before we came to sobriety - we sure as hell will lie to ourselves about love, relationships and bonding also.
Michael said it best - raise the bar. Not a glass.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 9
Thank you everyone. I was quite shocked at how many responded! I am only young but my drinking almost killed me. I have to remember that. And maybe I am deluding myself with this love thing, much in the way i sometimes think i could have another drink. Time to wake up!! Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
When we are newly sober, we still don't have love of self yet. Therefore it stands to reason that any 'love' or attraction we feel towards another is unhealthy.
I threw 4 years of sobriety out the window over a failed relationship where I was sure it was love.
It was not worth it, and today my recovery comes first and foremost in my life.
I threw 4 years of sobriety out the window over a failed relationship where I was sure it was love.
It was not worth it, and today my recovery comes first and foremost in my life.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 321
Rita123, Please listen to me.
I have been in your shoes, the same thing happened to me. We were determined to disprove the theories, and we lasted 8 years. It was the hugest mistake I have ever made, and I think he would say the same thing.
Neither of you are "well" right now, or you wouldn't be in treatment. When you get out, you are both too dependent on each other, and neither is strong enough to carry the other. You end up both falling and dragging the other down with you. You fall emotionally, and usually, as in my case, off of the wagon, and begin the downward spiral and an accellerated rate.
You try to catch him, and he tried to catch you, but, what happens, is that both of you fall into the pit, yanking and tugging on each other until you have just about killed each other.
I understand that you both "understand" each other, and you might really love each other. We did, but, trust me, this is NOT a good thing. Sometimes, even ALOT of times, LOVE is not enough.
Especially when dealing with addictions. Addictions are much stronger than LOVE. Maybe after you have both been free from your drug of choice for a year or more, try to reconnect then, then, if it is meant to be, it will be. I wish I could just get my time back.
I hope that you will heed the advise of your counselors. That rule is not there just for you. It was put in place a long time ago, for GOOD reason. I wish I had listened.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Just listen to what they tell you at your treatment center, and do it. They do know what they are talking about.
Honu
I have been in your shoes, the same thing happened to me. We were determined to disprove the theories, and we lasted 8 years. It was the hugest mistake I have ever made, and I think he would say the same thing.
Neither of you are "well" right now, or you wouldn't be in treatment. When you get out, you are both too dependent on each other, and neither is strong enough to carry the other. You end up both falling and dragging the other down with you. You fall emotionally, and usually, as in my case, off of the wagon, and begin the downward spiral and an accellerated rate.
You try to catch him, and he tried to catch you, but, what happens, is that both of you fall into the pit, yanking and tugging on each other until you have just about killed each other.
I understand that you both "understand" each other, and you might really love each other. We did, but, trust me, this is NOT a good thing. Sometimes, even ALOT of times, LOVE is not enough.
Especially when dealing with addictions. Addictions are much stronger than LOVE. Maybe after you have both been free from your drug of choice for a year or more, try to reconnect then, then, if it is meant to be, it will be. I wish I could just get my time back.
I hope that you will heed the advise of your counselors. That rule is not there just for you. It was put in place a long time ago, for GOOD reason. I wish I had listened.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Just listen to what they tell you at your treatment center, and do it. They do know what they are talking about.
Honu
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
The truth is that getting into a relationship in your first year is between you and God. Many AA sponsors become control freaks, this is why many organizations rightly label AA a cult. Having said that, you are in a recovery house? Then the people who run it are free to make rules they feel are best ensuring their home runs smoothly. You have a choice, follow their plan, or yours? Chanced are, they may know better. Waiting a year to get into a relationship in AA is not the AA program.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...in a recovery house? Then the people who run it are free to make rules..." --- absolutely right.....your house, your rules; my house my rules. I know some folks who have a problem with that, but thankfully most folks like, and abide by, good, well-set rules.....
"...The truth is that getting into a relationship in your first year is between you and God. Many AA sponsors become control freaks, this is why many organizations rightly label AA a cult..." --- there wouldn't be such a problem if folks remembered the suggestion as it was originally.....: "Don't make any MAJOR CHANGES in early recovery." .....changing that to a specific (relationships) and a specific time-frame (first year) really has caused problems. I've always liked to understand the suggestion as.....: In early recovery, don't make any changes, major. (like don't make mountains outta mole hilles....lol)
"...Waiting a year to get into a relationship in AA is not the AA program..." ---again , you're absolutely right. I just checked the Program (all 12 Steps of it), and nowhere does it mention relationships in the first year.....lol
.....back to the OP.....remember, yes, you may be in love, and if that's true, surely it will survive a year's wait.....since these are the rules of your treatment facility.....Learning to follow rules is always a hard 'first' step in recovery......u go guys....'n gals...... (o:
NoelleR
"...The truth is that getting into a relationship in your first year is between you and God. Many AA sponsors become control freaks, this is why many organizations rightly label AA a cult..." --- there wouldn't be such a problem if folks remembered the suggestion as it was originally.....: "Don't make any MAJOR CHANGES in early recovery." .....changing that to a specific (relationships) and a specific time-frame (first year) really has caused problems. I've always liked to understand the suggestion as.....: In early recovery, don't make any changes, major. (like don't make mountains outta mole hilles....lol)
"...Waiting a year to get into a relationship in AA is not the AA program..." ---again , you're absolutely right. I just checked the Program (all 12 Steps of it), and nowhere does it mention relationships in the first year.....lol
.....back to the OP.....remember, yes, you may be in love, and if that's true, surely it will survive a year's wait.....since these are the rules of your treatment facility.....Learning to follow rules is always a hard 'first' step in recovery......u go guys....'n gals...... (o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
If we make no major decisions in the first year does that mean we do not work step three? That sounds like a pretty major decision to me. There is no chapter in the Big Book called wait a year. There is working with others, into action etc...
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