stop spying on me
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
stop spying on me
I know how this sounds peeps, it sounds like I am off on one but I am not. Sorry for using the forum for this, but a message has to be delivered.
I know someone is spying on me, coming into the forums I use. They are using stuff I say on here and elsewhere to make judgements on me.
I just want to say, I know who you are. I have seen you smirking, I have seen your smile of recognition when I mention something, like it wasn't new to you. I heard your comment about these not being that anonymous really.
Why would you do that other than downright nosieness? I trusted you, I mean really trusted you. I know if I ask you you will deny it, you will say 'ask yourself the question, how likely is it?' and I will be stuck for words cos I will then feel like an idiot. But I do know, and I will know the next time I see you. So will you
It is going to change the whole atmosphere and there is nothing you can do to change it! You could try cancelling but you have to face me in the end!
Look forward to seeing you again!
Hippy ........aka .........well...you know!
I know someone is spying on me, coming into the forums I use. They are using stuff I say on here and elsewhere to make judgements on me.
I just want to say, I know who you are. I have seen you smirking, I have seen your smile of recognition when I mention something, like it wasn't new to you. I heard your comment about these not being that anonymous really.
Why would you do that other than downright nosieness? I trusted you, I mean really trusted you. I know if I ask you you will deny it, you will say 'ask yourself the question, how likely is it?' and I will be stuck for words cos I will then feel like an idiot. But I do know, and I will know the next time I see you. So will you
It is going to change the whole atmosphere and there is nothing you can do to change it! You could try cancelling but you have to face me in the end! Look forward to seeing you again!
Hippy ........aka .........well...you know!
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
just breath in and out take it easy it ain't worth it the person I mean
people are just either too nosy or too Miserable with there own life
or contented with life or is just envious or jealous
one thing I learn was never give your power to no one
they ain't worth it trust me people are a very complicated
species to understand, I'll be :praying
people are just either too nosy or too Miserable with there own life
or contented with life or is just envious or jealous
one thing I learn was never give your power to no one
they ain't worth it trust me people are a very complicated
species to understand, I'll be :praying
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
To the person reading my posts,
It is ok, I forgive human frailties. Curiosity is a human trait, you are as likely to be afflicted as anyone else. I should never have allowed so much information to pass my lips and then you would never have been able to read my threads. If I were in a similar situation, would I do the same out of nosieness? I cannot say 'no' in all honesty. That is not to say you aren't guilty of being a nosey twit, cos you have.
But, I have done wrong, I have done really wrong and that is what this is really about isn't it? You know what I have done and I cannot amend it. I am ashamed, deeply ashamed, I don't know why I did it. I'm doing a bit much of that these days eh? My behaviour is spiralling out of control and I am set for collision with disaster. I am responsible for myself, you know I feel that strongly, so I offer no excuse.
I will not tell people on here what I have done as they are too important to lose with a dishonourable discharge. I don't think you will either, or you will expose yourself.
peeps, I did something really bad. No one is hurt by what I have done, but they could have been. I have absolutely no right to be such a pompous cow. I cannot tell you what I have done, for the shame of it and I am sure if you knew, you would never ever want to talk to me again.
It is important to me that you think well of me, so please believe me when I say that I am very sorry for this 'thing' I did and that I will never ever do it again. It was out of character, it betrayed trust (and I have the gall to go on about my spy?) and basically was just sooooooo wrong on any level.
I cannot forgive myself and cannot really expect anyone else to especially when I don't tell them what they are supposed to be forgiving.
I have to find peace within myself for this and I don't know how to do this.
Thank you for all the times you have been here for me. You have been my saviour, you have been my place to cling to when all around me was crazy.
Thank you
Hippy
xxxx
It is ok, I forgive human frailties. Curiosity is a human trait, you are as likely to be afflicted as anyone else. I should never have allowed so much information to pass my lips and then you would never have been able to read my threads. If I were in a similar situation, would I do the same out of nosieness? I cannot say 'no' in all honesty. That is not to say you aren't guilty of being a nosey twit, cos you have.
But, I have done wrong, I have done really wrong and that is what this is really about isn't it? You know what I have done and I cannot amend it. I am ashamed, deeply ashamed, I don't know why I did it. I'm doing a bit much of that these days eh? My behaviour is spiralling out of control and I am set for collision with disaster. I am responsible for myself, you know I feel that strongly, so I offer no excuse.
I will not tell people on here what I have done as they are too important to lose with a dishonourable discharge. I don't think you will either, or you will expose yourself.
peeps, I did something really bad. No one is hurt by what I have done, but they could have been. I have absolutely no right to be such a pompous cow. I cannot tell you what I have done, for the shame of it and I am sure if you knew, you would never ever want to talk to me again.
It is important to me that you think well of me, so please believe me when I say that I am very sorry for this 'thing' I did and that I will never ever do it again. It was out of character, it betrayed trust (and I have the gall to go on about my spy?) and basically was just sooooooo wrong on any level.
I cannot forgive myself and cannot really expect anyone else to especially when I don't tell them what they are supposed to be forgiving.
I have to find peace within myself for this and I don't know how to do this.
Thank you for all the times you have been here for me. You have been my saviour, you have been my place to cling to when all around me was crazy.
Thank you
Hippy
xxxx
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Hippy)))
Nothing....and I mean absolutely nothing at all that you have done can make me think less of you. I know what struggles you have been through. You are human, and humans make mistakes. No one was hurt. That's the most important thing. Let's thank G*D for that blessing, shall we?
The way to forgive yourself is to make amends and to never let it happen again.
There is no concept of "sin" in Judaism. What Christians call "sin" we call "missing the mark." Think of it as an archer, who misses the target, ok? What does the archer do? They try again. And they keep trying, until they get it right; until they hit the bulls eye. Teshuva, turning around, is what we do. When we miss the mark, we turn around and try again, until we hit that bulls eye. Then, we are living as G*D wants us to live.
You have no need to confess to any person, if you feel you cannot. Many believe that it heals the soul. That's what therapy is about. That's what sponsors are for too, in a 12 Step program. Or a priest/minister in Christianity. But, you can confess to G*D. Make it real; promise to make teshuva -- to turn around. And keep trying until you are capable of never ever doing the same type of thing again. Then, you are in G*D's grace.
Know, though, that nothing you can do will ever diminish your stature in my eyes. You are human. Nothing more, nothing less. Just as I am. We all have made our own transgressions. And we all have our amends to make.
Begin by forgiving yourself. You're worth it.
Shalom!
Nothing....and I mean absolutely nothing at all that you have done can make me think less of you. I know what struggles you have been through. You are human, and humans make mistakes. No one was hurt. That's the most important thing. Let's thank G*D for that blessing, shall we?
The way to forgive yourself is to make amends and to never let it happen again.
There is no concept of "sin" in Judaism. What Christians call "sin" we call "missing the mark." Think of it as an archer, who misses the target, ok? What does the archer do? They try again. And they keep trying, until they get it right; until they hit the bulls eye. Teshuva, turning around, is what we do. When we miss the mark, we turn around and try again, until we hit that bulls eye. Then, we are living as G*D wants us to live.
You have no need to confess to any person, if you feel you cannot. Many believe that it heals the soul. That's what therapy is about. That's what sponsors are for too, in a 12 Step program. Or a priest/minister in Christianity. But, you can confess to G*D. Make it real; promise to make teshuva -- to turn around. And keep trying until you are capable of never ever doing the same type of thing again. Then, you are in G*D's grace.
Know, though, that nothing you can do will ever diminish your stature in my eyes. You are human. Nothing more, nothing less. Just as I am. We all have made our own transgressions. And we all have our amends to make.
Begin by forgiving yourself. You're worth it.
Shalom!
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I absolutely love how Teach spoke about missing the mark but turning around and trying again.
I have made many mistakes in my life. Some that have damaged people. Even my own children. I can not change the past, I can not predict the future, but what I can do is be the best person I can be today. When I allow myself to carry around guilt for things I can not change I wind up miserable, feeling shameful, and feeling less than others. That is why I believe it is essential for me to be able to treat myself as I would treat someone else with the same forgiveness, kindness, and understanding. I have to be willing to not let myself off the hook per se' as I still did the wrong but to allow myself to accept the fact that I am human, I will make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes will hurt others. The only thing I can do is when I recognize a mistake, make ammends the best I can, do my best not to make the same mistake again, and move forward with my life.
Personally, the person I see in your posts is someone who is sincere, kind hearted, and supportive of others. No matter what you have done in the past it can not change who you are in my eyes today. The past is dead and gone, the future is not guaranteed, all we have is today. Be the best you can be today and let the chips fall where they may. Best wishes you to with your struggle.
I have made many mistakes in my life. Some that have damaged people. Even my own children. I can not change the past, I can not predict the future, but what I can do is be the best person I can be today. When I allow myself to carry around guilt for things I can not change I wind up miserable, feeling shameful, and feeling less than others. That is why I believe it is essential for me to be able to treat myself as I would treat someone else with the same forgiveness, kindness, and understanding. I have to be willing to not let myself off the hook per se' as I still did the wrong but to allow myself to accept the fact that I am human, I will make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes will hurt others. The only thing I can do is when I recognize a mistake, make ammends the best I can, do my best not to make the same mistake again, and move forward with my life.
Personally, the person I see in your posts is someone who is sincere, kind hearted, and supportive of others. No matter what you have done in the past it can not change who you are in my eyes today. The past is dead and gone, the future is not guaranteed, all we have is today. Be the best you can be today and let the chips fall where they may. Best wishes you to with your struggle.
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
(((((Teach and Nadm)))))
Thank you so much. Teach, you brought a tear to my eye to read your post. The message of missing the mark and trying again is lovely. I have taken great comfort from that. I will try to view my crime in such a way. I know not to do what I did again and I hopefully never will. I will try to forgive myself, I really will try but I am in such torment just now. I feel a need to understand why I did what I did. I don't even know if I am imagining this person 'spying' on me. It is a person whose impression of me matters, so I don't know if I have manifested this but it feels so real. I feel every word is being read as though to punish me for what I did.
Nadm, you said some lovely things. I feel honoured to have you and Teach, and the others from other threads as online buddies. You are right, I will try to put the past behind me. I have done wrong for reasons I cannot fathom, but there it is. I will try try try to lay this to rest.
Thank you both again from the bottom of my heart.
Hippy
Thank you so much. Teach, you brought a tear to my eye to read your post. The message of missing the mark and trying again is lovely. I have taken great comfort from that. I will try to view my crime in such a way. I know not to do what I did again and I hopefully never will. I will try to forgive myself, I really will try but I am in such torment just now. I feel a need to understand why I did what I did. I don't even know if I am imagining this person 'spying' on me. It is a person whose impression of me matters, so I don't know if I have manifested this but it feels so real. I feel every word is being read as though to punish me for what I did.
Nadm, you said some lovely things. I feel honoured to have you and Teach, and the others from other threads as online buddies. You are right, I will try to put the past behind me. I have done wrong for reasons I cannot fathom, but there it is. I will try try try to lay this to rest.
Thank you both again from the bottom of my heart.
Hippy
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by hippyhippy 
I have to find peace within myself for this and I don't know how to do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 533
I totally agree with teach.
I cannot believe someone would want to do this to purposefully hurt you. Then again, I can't believe the human race sometimes either. Ugh.
HUGS to you Hip and dust them off your shoulder.
I cannot believe someone would want to do this to purposefully hurt you. Then again, I can't believe the human race sometimes either. Ugh.
HUGS to you Hip and dust them off your shoulder.
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
Thanks folks,
I spoke to therapist today about this but in a very round about way. He wants me to tell him exactly what it is I am going on about so that we can move on. He brought up a very good point that if I am not being open with him, he is concerned it is because I am worried about his reaction to me....well...yes....that is exactly why I can't tell him! However, he explained that if he lets this continue, then it is not conducive to the therapeutic process as I may always hold back. I see his point.....but I still didn't tell him.
I am still swinging crazily between paranoia of someone spying on me, thinking I have real reason to believe this, incredible guilt, intense anger. I have to let this go at some point I know. There is something I can do, but it is not without its risks but I am going to try.
Watch this space.........
Hippy
I spoke to therapist today about this but in a very round about way. He wants me to tell him exactly what it is I am going on about so that we can move on. He brought up a very good point that if I am not being open with him, he is concerned it is because I am worried about his reaction to me....well...yes....that is exactly why I can't tell him! However, he explained that if he lets this continue, then it is not conducive to the therapeutic process as I may always hold back. I see his point.....but I still didn't tell him.
I am still swinging crazily between paranoia of someone spying on me, thinking I have real reason to believe this, incredible guilt, intense anger. I have to let this go at some point I know. There is something I can do, but it is not without its risks but I am going to try.
Watch this space.........
Hippy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Hippy
Just an opinion. It reflects only who I am and what I need.
I would need to let this demon out to someone. I cannot fathom having something so meaningful fester. I cannot imagine just "letting it go." I need resolution, and part of that depends on sharing.
I don't know how this ties into your concerns of being spied upon. Stuff can snowball when under internal stress. I agree with your therapist and can't really understand why you would be unable or unwilling to share there.
Consider it. Consider how you may feel in 5 years. Will you still "own" your transgression? Or will it just sit there, waiting for an opportune time to revisit and grow? Not trying to tell you what to do, but I personally would find it far more damaging to let it go.
Good luck
warren
Just an opinion. It reflects only who I am and what I need.
I would need to let this demon out to someone. I cannot fathom having something so meaningful fester. I cannot imagine just "letting it go." I need resolution, and part of that depends on sharing.
I don't know how this ties into your concerns of being spied upon. Stuff can snowball when under internal stress. I agree with your therapist and can't really understand why you would be unable or unwilling to share there.
Consider it. Consider how you may feel in 5 years. Will you still "own" your transgression? Or will it just sit there, waiting for an opportune time to revisit and grow? Not trying to tell you what to do, but I personally would find it far more damaging to let it go.
Good luck
warren
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 7
Back when I was using I had thought patterns very similar to what you described in the OP.
IMO, and I'm no doctor, the OP has a very clear theme of paranoia that needs to be addressed. I'm assuming you're still going to therapy (you mentioned that above). Perhaps you should print off the OP and just give it to your therapist?
That's just my two cents.
Good luck,
mbach
IMO, and I'm no doctor, the OP has a very clear theme of paranoia that needs to be addressed. I'm assuming you're still going to therapy (you mentioned that above). Perhaps you should print off the OP and just give it to your therapist?
That's just my two cents.
Good luck,
mbach
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
Today I was with the person I have been leaving messages all over the internet for. I thought I would know just by being in her presence if she had indeed been spying on me. However, I didn't.
To cut a long story short, an opportunity arose whereby I told her that I thought she had been spying on me. She looked genuinely aghast but thankfully not offended (she is aware of my MH probs). I then offloaded this awful guilty secret I have been carrying around; or offloaded the essence of it, not the exact details. I then asked for further clarification that she hadn't been and she assured me she had not. I think I believe her.
So, I am hoping that this will be a turning point and I will feel less paranoid, as I have become quite ill over this whole affair. I have been posting messages of condemnation, guilt, fear, understanding etc all over the net. It has quite literally been eating me up.
Thank you for being here for me and I hope I can get back to some semblence of normality.
Hippy
To cut a long story short, an opportunity arose whereby I told her that I thought she had been spying on me. She looked genuinely aghast but thankfully not offended (she is aware of my MH probs). I then offloaded this awful guilty secret I have been carrying around; or offloaded the essence of it, not the exact details. I then asked for further clarification that she hadn't been and she assured me she had not. I think I believe her.
So, I am hoping that this will be a turning point and I will feel less paranoid, as I have become quite ill over this whole affair. I have been posting messages of condemnation, guilt, fear, understanding etc all over the net. It has quite literally been eating me up.
Thank you for being here for me and I hope I can get back to some semblence of normality.
Hippy
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